It Wasn't Meant to Be Like This

You know that saying? You never know what you had until it’s gone?

It’s true.

I never knew how good a friend Jack was until after he left, I felt crappier seeing he’d done the laundry for me, he’d tidied my room, he’d gone shopping and he put a post it note on my door, saying it April, Maggie and Mom called, and I had to ring them back.

I actually missed the bastard, and it’s only been 5 days. It’s been 5 days since Jack stormed out the flat, I had no idea where he was, but I had a feeling he was at his Dad’s.

I hadn’t spoken to him, and I hadn’t spoken to Beth either. After she left that night, she had called me every day, text me several times a day and even popped over but I said it was best she left.

I didn’t understand, I now had her and I was pushing her away. I felt like shit, and I couldn’t even enjoy my victory. I now had Beth, she was available and available for me…yet I didn’t want her yet, I couldn’t have her yet because even they had unofficially broken up, I took Jack’s swearing and exiting swiftly, as a break up don’t you? Even though they had broke up, Jack was still in fucking way.

I called Beth last night, and told her I needed space, just for a couple of days to clear my head. I felt like a right twat, as she cried on the phone saying she knew this would happen. So we’re no longer speaking…

I called my Mom, and told her to come over today. I’m petrified because she knew something is wrong. She has a sixth sense, my Mom does.

The door rattled and I swiftly opened it, I was in my pyjamas still, bear in mind it was 4pm. I had no intention of changing today.

I smiled weakly as my Mom walked in, a sense of authority followed her. Mom looked pretty today, brown hair in curls, and clipped up. She had a bit of makeup on and she was dressed fashionable, in a modest summer dress and white cardigan.

“You look nice” I say, as I put the kettle on to boil. I got two cups out.

“Thanks…coffee please” she tells me. I nod glumly, feeling like a teenage girl sulking, as I spooned the instant coffee into the cups, spooning one sugar in each. Just how we liked it.

I made the coffee in silence and Mom made herself comfortable, on the one breakfast stool we had left. I was left with a bruise on my face from Jack’s sucker punch, it still hurt but the swelling had gone down completely and there was no ore blood. I thankfully didn’t go to the Emergency Room.

Mom watched me under her beady, brown eyes. “Cut the crap Finn, what’s go on?” Mom demands suddenly.

I froze, as I passed the black coffee to my mother, and taking a sip of my own.

“What you mean?” I ask, deciding to play stupid. Mom scoffed, and put her cup down.

“You disappear for the weekend and don’t both to call me when you get home? There’s a bruise on your face, Jack isn’t here…what’s going on?” Mom says firmly.

“Jack’s at work.” I found myself lying, to my own mother.

“Stop lying honey, it’s not going to help you.” Mom says plainly and I sighed, leaning against the counter, covering my eyes with my hands.

It all came at once, the desperation, the pain, the guilt, the fear, the everything. It all came and even though I hadn’t cried in a very long time, I haven’t cried, sobbed in a very long time. I was a guy and I don’t particularly like showing weakness, I had pride that stopped me from doing that.

But standing her, head buried shamefully in my hands, the smell of coffee and my mother’s delicate perfume and her firm gaze on me, made me crack and fall apart. In front of my mother right now…

I started to cry.

“Mom, I messed up….I fucking messed up.” I croak, sniffling, not caring that I swore. I hear Mom get up.

“Oh baby…” she murmurs, putting her arms around and me and in an instant, I look to her, wrapping my arms around, crying on her shoulder.

“I messed up so badly…I’ve hurt him so bad, and I’ve hurt her…and I just…I don’t know anymore Mom. I don’t know what to do.” I sobbed, clutching to her for dear life.

She was my life source, she was the woman who carried me for 9 months in her stomach, suffered hell to get me into the world, and put up with every bit of my shit, I treated her like crap, I did so many shitty things, stealing money from her purse for cigarettes, swearing at her and Dad, coming home whenever I felt like it, failing school, messing around with girls, got police warnings several times…

Yet she still loved me.

Mom would always love me.

“Mom…” I say, my voice filled with emotion, as the tears dried out from my tears, my nose burning and my eyes itching. Mom held me tightly, her cool hands wrapped around me like I was a small child.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” she whispers, kissing my head and for a minute, just for a minute. I felt like I was 16 again, and I cried against Mom when Dad died. We cried together for an hour, and when Mom stopped. That’s what she said. She said those very words.

After five minutes of being held, I finally let go. Mom took my hand, and led me into the living room, sitting me down on the couch calmly, and she took hold of my hand, with both of hers and held it, stroking my hand softly.

“Tell me…” she says softly, and I did. I told her everything, I told her about how I met Beth, how I had liked her, how I started to like, like her…how I fell in love with her, how I cheated with her, how we went away together, what happened in London, what happened in New York and finally, what happened five days ago.

When I was done, I felt like a dick all over again.

I had really fucked it up.

Mom remained silent, absorbing the information. When I was done, she looked at me with mixed emotions. Some bad, some good.

“Finn, you know when you were a little boy, about 7 years old…you asked me what love was…” Mom said, I was shocked slightly but nodded anyways, interested to what she had to say.

“Your Dad picked you up, and told you that love was something special and you’d risk anything for it…” she finishes. I knew what she was saying.

“I’m not saying that you did the right thing, because you are wrong in some places. You shouldn’t have slept with the girl, or kissed her until she sorted with Jack. I’m not pleased with how you handled it, but I know that when you love someone, you can’t help it.”

“I’m sorry” I say, hating that I disappointed her.

“It’s okay, you just need to go talk to Jack honey, you need to get everything out in the open, put your cards on the table and fold…get out of the game. And secondly, don’t ignore Beth, she’s a sweet girl, who obviously has feelings for you. You’ve made the decision Finn, now stick to it.” Mom says softly, she reached across and kissed the middle of my forehead.

“I love you, son” she tells me, giving me a gentle smile.

“I love you too, Mom” I tell her, meaning it.

Mom smiles, and gets up, picking up her purse and leaves the apartment, my head feeling slightly clearer.

Mother’s know best.