It's out of Your Hands but Not out of Reach
pt 2
"I did, ok?!" He near shouted, finally looking up and locking gaze with Frank. "I did! I did and I'm sorry ok, I'm fucking sorry!"
The tear were fat and free as they rolled down both men's cheeks. Frank bit his bottom lip in an attempt to keep them at bay, but it was just no use, nothing could stop them now. He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again.
"Sorry? Oh, you're sorry? And that's suppose to make it alright?" Gerard hated that sarcasm, but he deserved it.
"Well what do you want me to say?" Gerard got up from the floor, finding his feet a little uneasily. "That I'm a bastard and an asshole, that I'm a stupid selfish son of a bitch?"
"It would be a start."
"Stop being such a fucking smart ass will you! I had a slip ok? Big fucking deal!" Gerard knew it was a big deal, it was a fucking huge deal and he was just digging himself an even deeper grave, but he was too stubborn to put down the shovel.
By now the other men in the bus had begun to wake up, and most slinked off in to the bunk area as quietly as possible to give the two their privacy. That was, all accept Bert. The arguing couple were in the way of his escape, and so he sat there on the floor hoping he would appear invisible.
"Big fucking deal? Are you out of your mind?! How much work have you put in to quitting, how much work have we put in to it? You feel a slight temptation and instead of coming to me or your brother or another band mate you go to him!?" Frank pointed down to where Bert was cowering.
"You were mad at me." Gerard mumbled.
"That’s no fucking excuse!" Frank screamed all in one breath. "I would have still helped you, you know I would have!" He took in a few deep breaths as he just stared at the man before him who didn’t dare look back. "This isn't you Gerard, I don't even know who the fuck this is."
Gerard clenched his fists and snarled. "Well I'm so fucking sorry I'm not as perfect as you'd like me to be! I'm sorry I can’t just wear my heart on my sleeve like you can, I'm sorry I can't make life seem so fucking easy as you can!"
"Easy? You think my life's easy? How deluded are you?"
"About as much as you are." He shot back.
Frank glared across at the man before him, eyes burning angry holes in to his body. "Over." He stated, venom in the word. "This is so fucking over. Whatever we had, whatever feelings I led myself to believe I had for you, over!" And he walked out of the tour bus, slamming the heavy door behind him.
As the bus shook with Frank's anger, Gerard's world began to crumble. The furious look left his face and he sank once again to the floor as a series of sobs wrecked through his body. He clutched his chest as he cried, hair falling over his face as the reality began to set in and the numbness wore off. His Frankie was gone, he was alone again. That was pain not even a drink could take away.
-
"Frankie, are you sure you want to leave?" Hollie said softly as she watched Frank stuff the last of his things in to his case.
"I have to Holl, I can't stay here anymore, not with him around." He explained, throwing his last Stephen King novel in to his case and shutting it. He turned round to his friend "I'm sorry." He stated.
She sighed and pulled him in to a hug. "You have nothing to be sorry for Frank Iero, you hear me?" She pulled back and held him at arms length. "Now you get yourself home ok? And don't worry about a thing. I'll be back in a week and I'll take you out some place nice. We'll get shit faced, eat all the wrong food and watch gay porn until the world's better again, ok?"
Frank smiled weakly and nodded, pulling the small woman back in for another hug. "Thanks, you're the best."
-
"You need to go talk to your shit head of a brother." Hollie announced to Mikey as he sat outside the bus on a fold out chair reading a comic.
"Why?" He mused, not looking away from the coloured pages.
She tore the comic from his hands and flung it to the side. "Listen to me!" She demanded.
"Hey I was reading that!" He protested with a scowl.
"Mikey!" She warned, and he shrunk back in to the chair. Oh he knew that tone alright, he knew it well.
"Ok, I'm talking to him about Frank and the drinking I suppose?"
"Yes, but Frank mostly." She pointed her finger directly at Mikey and narrowed her eyes. "He has to fix it, or at least try to fix it. I just lost my best techie because of your asshole sibling so if I'm going to be short handed for a week I want a fucking happy ending to go home to. So you better march your skinny ass in to that tour bus - talk to your brother and get me one, you got that Way?!"
Mikey nodded and scattered on to the bus.
-
Four days later Frank was sat in his cold apartment living room. The heating had been off since he'd been away, and the money for utilities was in the pay cheque he wouldn't be getting for another week or so. So he sat, wrapped in as many quilts and blankets he could find watching Will & Grace reruns.
"They make it look so easy." Frank sighed to himself, stuffing another Oreo in to his mouth while on the screen Will and Vince cooed over their toddler son in their swanky New York apartment.
This was exactly the same thing Frank had been doing since he first stepped foot back in to his apartment. That and crying, moping, feeling sorry for himself and refusing to look at, let alone eat or drink, any product in his kitchen which began with a G. He learnt that after finding an old Granola bar down the side of the couch the first day he got back. He'd spent the next two hours clutching it to his chest and crying in to reused Kleenex's.
-
An hour or so later, when Frank had moved on from Will & Grace to Ally McBeal, the intercom buzzed. Frank groaned and buried his head beneath his blankets, cocooning himself inside the warmth, but the stubborn intercom buzzed again.
He flung the blankets back and sighed in annoyance. He picked up one blanket, wrapped it around his shoulders and stomped over to the little white box by the door. Shivering, he pressed the button.
"Yeah?" He mumbled. He could hear the rain outside, one or two cars passing by and distant shouting, usual Jersey street noises. Soft breathing was suddenly heard, as if the person were leaning closer and closer to the intercom outside. "Hello?" Still nothing. He'd just got up from where he'd been perfectly nestled in blankets and his own self pity and now this bastard wasn't even gonna talk? "Would you just tell me who the fuck it is for Christ sake? I'm freezing my god damn –"
"Frankie."
He'd know that whimper anywhere. "Gerard?" He whispered.
"Please don't cut me off." He had to admit, he was thinking about it. "Just hear me out ok? After that I'll never bother you again."
Frank thought for a few moments, and then hesitantly mumbled. "Talk."
"Frankie I'm so sorry, for everything. For the drinking, for Bert, for all those things I said, I'm so sorry. I know I'm not perfect, but I know you don't want me like that, I envy you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and the fact that you can smile no matter what. I love your energy, your determination and your passion for everything you do. I love the way you make me feel about myself, about everything. You're the first person in a long time who really understands me and who I can trust so much. Everything I used to be afraid of, I'm not so scared of when I'm with you because you make me feel like nothing can hurt me, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'll never drink again, I swear to you, I'll do anything you want me to if you just give me one more chance, please." He paused. Frank closed his eyes, tears squeezing themselves out and down his cold red cheeks. "I love you Frankie, with all of my black little heart."
Frank opened his eyes, his lips parting in a silent gasp as the tears rolled to the floor. Gerard listened for a reply, hoped and prayed for one. After what felt like eternity Frank let go of the button.
The tears slid down Gerard's face free and easy as he stared at the metallic speaker, hoping he'd hear Frank's soft voice. But no voice came. He stuffed his hand in to his pockets and sniffled the tears back, stepping out in to the rain. His shoulders hunched and his head hung low, dejected and hopeless. The rain beat down on his head and shoulders, falling from directly over head. He clenched his teeth in hope to stop either the shivering or the tears. Neither stopped.
As he halted to cross the road he heard faint running behind him, shoes hitting the wet tarmac and puddles, and after a moment or so heavy breathing. In some vain last attempt at hope he turned around.
And there he was. Soaking wet and now right in front of him, breathing heavily as he got his breath back, t-shirt soaked to the skin. For a moment or so they just starred at each other, breathing but showing no other signs of life.
Finally, the two flung themselves at each other, their lips being the first thing to meet. The kiss was sloppy, frantic, messy, open mouthed and hungry tongues but neither of them cared. They clung to each other as if it were the last time they'd ever be able to do so, and kissed as if the other would disappear at any moment. Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's neck as Gerard's coiled around Frank's waist, keeping each other as close as possible. They both whimpered in to the kiss, refusing to stop for air until they absolutely had to, and pulled back panting.
"I'm so sorry." Gerard breathed, pressing his forehead to Frank's.
Frank pressed his index finger to Gerard's lips, pressing his own over them briefly "Shh," He cooed, "That doesn't matter now."
"I love you so much." Gerard stated, running his hand to the back of Frank's neck.
The younger man smiled and kissed him again. "I love you too."
-
"MCR!"
"Frank!"
"MCR!"
"Oh fuck, Frankie."
"MCR! MCR"
"Frank, shit, Frankie!"
"MCR!"
"Oh god, oh fuck, oh Frank!"
"Gerard, god Gerard, there, right there, Gerard!"
Gerard slammed in to Frank again, hitting the bulls eye dead on with every thrust. Frank was splayed against the wall, head thrown back and legs wrapped tight around Gerard's waist as he stood before him, fucking him right in to the light yellow wall of the dressing room. Frank's arms sprawled out across the wall in a frantic search to find something to grip on to, but nothing was available, and so he settled his hands on his lover's shoulders.
The crowd were chanting, loud and clear and it did nothing but turn the two men on even more. Mikey had pounded on the door five minutes ago, but after he heard the first moan quickly scampered away to cut his own ears off.
Frank ran his fingers through Gerard's hair, pulling the strands, moaning loud at Gerard's same response.
"Frankie, almost there, almost." Gerard panted.
"Me too," Frank moaned once more as his head hit the wall with a thud. "Me too – oh god Gerard!"
The pair came together, long and hard with a shudder from both. They panted together for a while, Gerard's head pressed in to Frank's chest as the basked in the post orgasm glow. Gerard licked the beads of sweat from Frank's chest to which Frank sighed as a feeling of contentment surrounded them. Gerard slowly set Frank on the floor, his legs feeling a little unstable as his feet came in to contact with the ground again.
"We're doing that again." The younger man stated, reaching for his jeans.
"Mmm." Gerard mumbled, pulling on his own black jeans and fiddling with the belt. "Some dressing rooms have showers in."
Frank grinned and walked over to Gerard, swaying his hips as he got closer. He pressed his lips to the other's and kissed him softly. Just as he was about to make the kiss deeper there came another pounding.
"You guys better get your asses out right now! Frank, Hollie's gonna kick your ass if you don’t get over to the sound area pronto and Gerard you have 30 seconds to stabilize your retard brother before we go on stage!" Ray yelled. "So get to it!"
The two giggled and pulled on the rest of their clothing. With one last peck they exited the small dressing room and parted ways with nothing more than a longing look.
-
Frank watched from the sound desk as Gerard tamed his crowd so well, just as he had seen him do many times before. Frank felt that with each show, he could fall in love with that man all over again, and thought it a damn good thing he'd be there to see every single one.
No matter what.
The tear were fat and free as they rolled down both men's cheeks. Frank bit his bottom lip in an attempt to keep them at bay, but it was just no use, nothing could stop them now. He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again.
"Sorry? Oh, you're sorry? And that's suppose to make it alright?" Gerard hated that sarcasm, but he deserved it.
"Well what do you want me to say?" Gerard got up from the floor, finding his feet a little uneasily. "That I'm a bastard and an asshole, that I'm a stupid selfish son of a bitch?"
"It would be a start."
"Stop being such a fucking smart ass will you! I had a slip ok? Big fucking deal!" Gerard knew it was a big deal, it was a fucking huge deal and he was just digging himself an even deeper grave, but he was too stubborn to put down the shovel.
By now the other men in the bus had begun to wake up, and most slinked off in to the bunk area as quietly as possible to give the two their privacy. That was, all accept Bert. The arguing couple were in the way of his escape, and so he sat there on the floor hoping he would appear invisible.
"Big fucking deal? Are you out of your mind?! How much work have you put in to quitting, how much work have we put in to it? You feel a slight temptation and instead of coming to me or your brother or another band mate you go to him!?" Frank pointed down to where Bert was cowering.
"You were mad at me." Gerard mumbled.
"That’s no fucking excuse!" Frank screamed all in one breath. "I would have still helped you, you know I would have!" He took in a few deep breaths as he just stared at the man before him who didn’t dare look back. "This isn't you Gerard, I don't even know who the fuck this is."
Gerard clenched his fists and snarled. "Well I'm so fucking sorry I'm not as perfect as you'd like me to be! I'm sorry I can’t just wear my heart on my sleeve like you can, I'm sorry I can't make life seem so fucking easy as you can!"
"Easy? You think my life's easy? How deluded are you?"
"About as much as you are." He shot back.
Frank glared across at the man before him, eyes burning angry holes in to his body. "Over." He stated, venom in the word. "This is so fucking over. Whatever we had, whatever feelings I led myself to believe I had for you, over!" And he walked out of the tour bus, slamming the heavy door behind him.
As the bus shook with Frank's anger, Gerard's world began to crumble. The furious look left his face and he sank once again to the floor as a series of sobs wrecked through his body. He clutched his chest as he cried, hair falling over his face as the reality began to set in and the numbness wore off. His Frankie was gone, he was alone again. That was pain not even a drink could take away.
-
"Frankie, are you sure you want to leave?" Hollie said softly as she watched Frank stuff the last of his things in to his case.
"I have to Holl, I can't stay here anymore, not with him around." He explained, throwing his last Stephen King novel in to his case and shutting it. He turned round to his friend "I'm sorry." He stated.
She sighed and pulled him in to a hug. "You have nothing to be sorry for Frank Iero, you hear me?" She pulled back and held him at arms length. "Now you get yourself home ok? And don't worry about a thing. I'll be back in a week and I'll take you out some place nice. We'll get shit faced, eat all the wrong food and watch gay porn until the world's better again, ok?"
Frank smiled weakly and nodded, pulling the small woman back in for another hug. "Thanks, you're the best."
-
"You need to go talk to your shit head of a brother." Hollie announced to Mikey as he sat outside the bus on a fold out chair reading a comic.
"Why?" He mused, not looking away from the coloured pages.
She tore the comic from his hands and flung it to the side. "Listen to me!" She demanded.
"Hey I was reading that!" He protested with a scowl.
"Mikey!" She warned, and he shrunk back in to the chair. Oh he knew that tone alright, he knew it well.
"Ok, I'm talking to him about Frank and the drinking I suppose?"
"Yes, but Frank mostly." She pointed her finger directly at Mikey and narrowed her eyes. "He has to fix it, or at least try to fix it. I just lost my best techie because of your asshole sibling so if I'm going to be short handed for a week I want a fucking happy ending to go home to. So you better march your skinny ass in to that tour bus - talk to your brother and get me one, you got that Way?!"
Mikey nodded and scattered on to the bus.
-
Four days later Frank was sat in his cold apartment living room. The heating had been off since he'd been away, and the money for utilities was in the pay cheque he wouldn't be getting for another week or so. So he sat, wrapped in as many quilts and blankets he could find watching Will & Grace reruns.
"They make it look so easy." Frank sighed to himself, stuffing another Oreo in to his mouth while on the screen Will and Vince cooed over their toddler son in their swanky New York apartment.
This was exactly the same thing Frank had been doing since he first stepped foot back in to his apartment. That and crying, moping, feeling sorry for himself and refusing to look at, let alone eat or drink, any product in his kitchen which began with a G. He learnt that after finding an old Granola bar down the side of the couch the first day he got back. He'd spent the next two hours clutching it to his chest and crying in to reused Kleenex's.
-
An hour or so later, when Frank had moved on from Will & Grace to Ally McBeal, the intercom buzzed. Frank groaned and buried his head beneath his blankets, cocooning himself inside the warmth, but the stubborn intercom buzzed again.
He flung the blankets back and sighed in annoyance. He picked up one blanket, wrapped it around his shoulders and stomped over to the little white box by the door. Shivering, he pressed the button.
"Yeah?" He mumbled. He could hear the rain outside, one or two cars passing by and distant shouting, usual Jersey street noises. Soft breathing was suddenly heard, as if the person were leaning closer and closer to the intercom outside. "Hello?" Still nothing. He'd just got up from where he'd been perfectly nestled in blankets and his own self pity and now this bastard wasn't even gonna talk? "Would you just tell me who the fuck it is for Christ sake? I'm freezing my god damn –"
"Frankie."
He'd know that whimper anywhere. "Gerard?" He whispered.
"Please don't cut me off." He had to admit, he was thinking about it. "Just hear me out ok? After that I'll never bother you again."
Frank thought for a few moments, and then hesitantly mumbled. "Talk."
"Frankie I'm so sorry, for everything. For the drinking, for Bert, for all those things I said, I'm so sorry. I know I'm not perfect, but I know you don't want me like that, I envy you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and the fact that you can smile no matter what. I love your energy, your determination and your passion for everything you do. I love the way you make me feel about myself, about everything. You're the first person in a long time who really understands me and who I can trust so much. Everything I used to be afraid of, I'm not so scared of when I'm with you because you make me feel like nothing can hurt me, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'll never drink again, I swear to you, I'll do anything you want me to if you just give me one more chance, please." He paused. Frank closed his eyes, tears squeezing themselves out and down his cold red cheeks. "I love you Frankie, with all of my black little heart."
Frank opened his eyes, his lips parting in a silent gasp as the tears rolled to the floor. Gerard listened for a reply, hoped and prayed for one. After what felt like eternity Frank let go of the button.
The tears slid down Gerard's face free and easy as he stared at the metallic speaker, hoping he'd hear Frank's soft voice. But no voice came. He stuffed his hand in to his pockets and sniffled the tears back, stepping out in to the rain. His shoulders hunched and his head hung low, dejected and hopeless. The rain beat down on his head and shoulders, falling from directly over head. He clenched his teeth in hope to stop either the shivering or the tears. Neither stopped.
As he halted to cross the road he heard faint running behind him, shoes hitting the wet tarmac and puddles, and after a moment or so heavy breathing. In some vain last attempt at hope he turned around.
And there he was. Soaking wet and now right in front of him, breathing heavily as he got his breath back, t-shirt soaked to the skin. For a moment or so they just starred at each other, breathing but showing no other signs of life.
Finally, the two flung themselves at each other, their lips being the first thing to meet. The kiss was sloppy, frantic, messy, open mouthed and hungry tongues but neither of them cared. They clung to each other as if it were the last time they'd ever be able to do so, and kissed as if the other would disappear at any moment. Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's neck as Gerard's coiled around Frank's waist, keeping each other as close as possible. They both whimpered in to the kiss, refusing to stop for air until they absolutely had to, and pulled back panting.
"I'm so sorry." Gerard breathed, pressing his forehead to Frank's.
Frank pressed his index finger to Gerard's lips, pressing his own over them briefly "Shh," He cooed, "That doesn't matter now."
"I love you so much." Gerard stated, running his hand to the back of Frank's neck.
The younger man smiled and kissed him again. "I love you too."
-
"MCR!"
"Frank!"
"MCR!"
"Oh fuck, Frankie."
"MCR! MCR"
"Frank, shit, Frankie!"
"MCR!"
"Oh god, oh fuck, oh Frank!"
"Gerard, god Gerard, there, right there, Gerard!"
Gerard slammed in to Frank again, hitting the bulls eye dead on with every thrust. Frank was splayed against the wall, head thrown back and legs wrapped tight around Gerard's waist as he stood before him, fucking him right in to the light yellow wall of the dressing room. Frank's arms sprawled out across the wall in a frantic search to find something to grip on to, but nothing was available, and so he settled his hands on his lover's shoulders.
The crowd were chanting, loud and clear and it did nothing but turn the two men on even more. Mikey had pounded on the door five minutes ago, but after he heard the first moan quickly scampered away to cut his own ears off.
Frank ran his fingers through Gerard's hair, pulling the strands, moaning loud at Gerard's same response.
"Frankie, almost there, almost." Gerard panted.
"Me too," Frank moaned once more as his head hit the wall with a thud. "Me too – oh god Gerard!"
The pair came together, long and hard with a shudder from both. They panted together for a while, Gerard's head pressed in to Frank's chest as the basked in the post orgasm glow. Gerard licked the beads of sweat from Frank's chest to which Frank sighed as a feeling of contentment surrounded them. Gerard slowly set Frank on the floor, his legs feeling a little unstable as his feet came in to contact with the ground again.
"We're doing that again." The younger man stated, reaching for his jeans.
"Mmm." Gerard mumbled, pulling on his own black jeans and fiddling with the belt. "Some dressing rooms have showers in."
Frank grinned and walked over to Gerard, swaying his hips as he got closer. He pressed his lips to the other's and kissed him softly. Just as he was about to make the kiss deeper there came another pounding.
"You guys better get your asses out right now! Frank, Hollie's gonna kick your ass if you don’t get over to the sound area pronto and Gerard you have 30 seconds to stabilize your retard brother before we go on stage!" Ray yelled. "So get to it!"
The two giggled and pulled on the rest of their clothing. With one last peck they exited the small dressing room and parted ways with nothing more than a longing look.
-
Frank watched from the sound desk as Gerard tamed his crowd so well, just as he had seen him do many times before. Frank felt that with each show, he could fall in love with that man all over again, and thought it a damn good thing he'd be there to see every single one.
No matter what.
♠ ♠ ♠
END