Sequel: With Everything I Won't Let This Go ›
These Words Are My Heart and Soul
Long Live the Car Crash Hearts
Frank’s POV
She was gone. My Loryn was gone. I cried like a baby, holding her still warm hand to my forehead. What had she ever done? What had she done that had taken her from me and from the world? She was a good person, a beautiful person.
But in all the time I’d known her, I hadn’t really known her. I didn’t know anything about who she used to be, apart from the fact she’d been with Gerard, and how he’d treated her.
I stayed by her side for ages. I got kicked out, eventually, because they needed to clean her up and put her away safe so she was still as beautiful as ever when her funeral came round. After that, I went and visited her daughter… our daughter.
She was the most beautiful child. She already looked like her mom, but she had my eyes. She had my smile. She had fingernails… she had hair… it made me well up knowing she’d never know her mother and her mother would never know her.
I cried, holding Laurie close. She gurgled and looked up at me. I think she knew who I was. She played with the fabric of my Misfits tee-shirt. I looked down and realized. It was the shirt I’d worn the day I met Loryn. It seemed ironic that this shirt was there the birth and death of our relationship. And I couldn’t help but cry.
Gerard came in and wrapped an arm round my shoulders. He opened his mouth and closed it again, not sure what to say. His tears stained me and mine stained him. I knew he still loved her. He’d always love her. It was Loryn; she had that effect on people. I knew Mikey’d be the same too.
As his name crossed my mind, the geeky, tall angel came in and sat by my other side, looking down at the child that was going to remind me everyday what had happened. I knew I couldn’t look after her alone. It would kill me.
It was then I decided. I couldn’t put her up for adoption. I couldn’t give her to some stranger, or even to a friend. She had to go to a relative. I decided she’d go to Loryn’s sister, Erryn.
Again, the person in my thoughts came in. A heavily crying sister wandered in, looking at me. Her eyes fell on the baby, and she cried more. She came over and took the baby from my arms, holding it close.
“My God, you’re so beautiful…”
“Erryn… I want you to look after her…” I whispered.
She looked at me, aghast.
“Frankie, she’s your daughter. You-”
“Erryn, I can’t. I can’t even look after myself… and she’s Loryn’s daughter… it’d kill me everyday…”
“She was my sister, how do you think it’s gonna affect me?!”
“Look, I just think it’s best you have her. I want the best for her. I want her to grow up safe. My band’s getting big and I can’t take her away with me. It’d mess her up. At least with you she’d have a stable home, a loving, full family. Just, take her,” I said, blubbering.
Erryn sighed, knowing there was no way around it. I cried and got up, walking out. I’d lost everything. The band was the only thing I had left. Gerard followed me and held me, and I cried into his shoulder. I was never going to get over this. I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t.
I made a vow to visit her every day I could. It’d be painful being away on tour without her, it’d be painful not seeing her smile everyday. I’d miss her first words, her first steps, her first smile. Erryn would get all of that. But she’d be the one breaking the distressing news.
I pushed Gerard away and got in the car. I took a breath to cam down; I couldn’t die too. Laurie couldn’t be orphaned at hours old. I drove home, looking around.
Everything smelt like her. Everything looked like her. Everything was her. I laid on our bed - the bed we’d slept in, made love in, lived in - and cried. As if I hadn’t cried enough the past three hours.
I rummaged in the drawers, looking through her stuff. I looked under the bed and found a box. There were two old pregnancy tests, both saying positive. One looked really dated, like it was from the nineties. I dug further and found more stuff. Drawings, and ticket stubs from all the movies we’ve been to. There was the rose I bought her for valentines.
There was also a letter. It was addressed to me. So I opened it.
“Dear Frank.
You don’t really know me. I know how you think you do. I hope when you find this, our daughter is safe in her bed and I’m no where to be found. Not dead, I hope though hah. Anyways. I’m gonna just… spill my past out to you. Right from the top.
Well, I was born in Scotland. My mom was Scottish and my dad was from New Jersey. He traveled on business, but he was only your age, and my mom was mine. They met in Glasgow and well, me and my sister happened. We moved before I could talk, to America. We moved around a lot but we settled in Wyckoff when my dad got sick. He died when I was twelve. I think I told you that part. Anyway.
We moved to Belleview and my sister stayed in Wyckoff, coz she was with someone. She got married to him, you know James. So me and my mom were in Belleview and Erryn was in Wyckoff. She probably still is at this time.
When I was sixteen, I met Mikey, because we were in senior Math together. I was a brain hah. So, I met Mikey and he was kind of bad at Math, so I tutored him. I met Gerard then. He was older than me and we started dating. He kind of… pressured me into giving him my virginity. I grew depressed because he got drunk a lot and hit me.
We fell out because he knocked me out, and then we got back together. He got me pregnant, got scared and ran. I had an abortion. I never heard from him for ages.
One night, I stole my moms car and went to a bar. I was still only sixteen. I became a hooker, and ended up starting my own business as a hooker. I even had employees and customers. I bought a house, and turned it into a whorehouse. But I met Cariad, and everything.
Then my mom got this boyfriend. A right piece of work. I think he’s still in prison. He used to beat my mom but she wouldn’t admit it. But I knew. One day, a few hours after my seventeenth birthday, I went and confronted her. She denied everything, even though she was covered in bruises. So I ran away. I got sick.
I had a panic attack and was in hospital for weeks.
I found out, when I woke up, that my mom had killed herself.
The ink was smudged at that part. I knew she’d started crying. I was now, because it seemed she’d had such a bad life. I carried on reading, even thought it was making me feel ill.
Gerard was the one who found her. He tried to get back in my life. Mikey tried to get him back in my life. But I wouldn’t go back there, no way. I found out Cariad had gotten married, and let her move in.
That’s when I met you. I couldn’t tell you all of this from the beginning because I liked you so much.
I could never tell you how I felt about you, even when you put that ring on my finger. I know how you’d feel about it. You probably hate me now. If I’m still around when you’re reading this, don’t let me go. I can’t take much more. I’ve been close to killing myself, I’ve even tried, so many times. You leaving me would be the thing that makes me do it.
But Frankie, I love you. I really do.
I hope these aren’t my last words to you.
Okay, this is the end.
Yours forever… and ever… and ever… and you get the picture, right?
Love, Loyrn. Xxx
I cried, holding the letter tightly. It was her last words, sadly. But they were to me, and only me. I felt sort of special, and sentimental. And I hugged it tightly. I’d keep this till the day I died. Which hopefully wouldn’t be for a long time yet.
I missed her already. I’d always, always love her.
***
A year later and me and Frankie were still together.
# I don’t care if Monday’s blue… #
The music blared and we danced, his one hand on my waist and his other on the side of my face. We weren’t drunk, though we’d had a little to drink. He smiled happily at me, a look of content across his ever - dare I say that cruel word - perfect features. A look that was supposed to make me believe that he cared. But it didn’t; no one cared about me.
“You know, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, you’ve obviously not met many people,” I grinned falsely.
He laughed, stroking my face gently and looking at me as if he actually did mean it. But he’d given me that look before. Yet, there was something different about the way he gave me it. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t identify; but in the year I’d known him, I’d come to learn that he was good at masking his emotion in his eyes.
“Look, let’s be serious for a sec,” he laughed.
“Me? Serious? You’re ‘avin’ a larf,” I smiled, in a strange accent.
At this sarcastic comment, he laughed again. Not a harsh cackle or a coarse chortle, but… a laugh. Almost a giggle but a jolly chuckle in its own right, with just a hint of that schoolgirl “teehee” element. It was such an adorable laugh, but I wasn’t going to admit that.
# It’s Friday I’m in love… #
“Look, I’m not good at this shit, but… I want you to wear this,” he said.
I looked at him bluntly, as he dug around in his pants pocket for whatever he wanted me to wear. He pulled out a plain chain, his hand covering the pendant so I couldn’t see, and something else shiny that he was also hiding.
“T-Turn around,” he whispered nervously.
Like I said, I’d only known him a year, but in that whole year, he’d never been nervous or shy. He usually just did it and brushed everything off with a laugh and a joke, kinda like me. Guess that’s why I liked him.
So I did what he said, turning on my heel and facing the band stand. Something cold fell against my neck and chest, and I felt all the color drain out of me into the floor. My hands curled into fists, so tight that I could feel a small trickle of blood from where my nails were digging in. My eyes started to well up as I looked down, seeing a plain chain with a pendant twisted into the shape of his first initial.
Turning back round, I saw he was fiddling nervously with something in his hand.
“Wear this?”
He held out a small silver band, and I felt my arm extending itself. His face lit up dramatically and he slipped the band onto my finger. There was a matching one on his same finger; I knew things had gotten serious…
***
THE END?
She was gone. My Loryn was gone. I cried like a baby, holding her still warm hand to my forehead. What had she ever done? What had she done that had taken her from me and from the world? She was a good person, a beautiful person.
But in all the time I’d known her, I hadn’t really known her. I didn’t know anything about who she used to be, apart from the fact she’d been with Gerard, and how he’d treated her.
I stayed by her side for ages. I got kicked out, eventually, because they needed to clean her up and put her away safe so she was still as beautiful as ever when her funeral came round. After that, I went and visited her daughter… our daughter.
She was the most beautiful child. She already looked like her mom, but she had my eyes. She had my smile. She had fingernails… she had hair… it made me well up knowing she’d never know her mother and her mother would never know her.
I cried, holding Laurie close. She gurgled and looked up at me. I think she knew who I was. She played with the fabric of my Misfits tee-shirt. I looked down and realized. It was the shirt I’d worn the day I met Loryn. It seemed ironic that this shirt was there the birth and death of our relationship. And I couldn’t help but cry.
Gerard came in and wrapped an arm round my shoulders. He opened his mouth and closed it again, not sure what to say. His tears stained me and mine stained him. I knew he still loved her. He’d always love her. It was Loryn; she had that effect on people. I knew Mikey’d be the same too.
As his name crossed my mind, the geeky, tall angel came in and sat by my other side, looking down at the child that was going to remind me everyday what had happened. I knew I couldn’t look after her alone. It would kill me.
It was then I decided. I couldn’t put her up for adoption. I couldn’t give her to some stranger, or even to a friend. She had to go to a relative. I decided she’d go to Loryn’s sister, Erryn.
Again, the person in my thoughts came in. A heavily crying sister wandered in, looking at me. Her eyes fell on the baby, and she cried more. She came over and took the baby from my arms, holding it close.
“My God, you’re so beautiful…”
“Erryn… I want you to look after her…” I whispered.
She looked at me, aghast.
“Frankie, she’s your daughter. You-”
“Erryn, I can’t. I can’t even look after myself… and she’s Loryn’s daughter… it’d kill me everyday…”
“She was my sister, how do you think it’s gonna affect me?!”
“Look, I just think it’s best you have her. I want the best for her. I want her to grow up safe. My band’s getting big and I can’t take her away with me. It’d mess her up. At least with you she’d have a stable home, a loving, full family. Just, take her,” I said, blubbering.
Erryn sighed, knowing there was no way around it. I cried and got up, walking out. I’d lost everything. The band was the only thing I had left. Gerard followed me and held me, and I cried into his shoulder. I was never going to get over this. I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t.
I made a vow to visit her every day I could. It’d be painful being away on tour without her, it’d be painful not seeing her smile everyday. I’d miss her first words, her first steps, her first smile. Erryn would get all of that. But she’d be the one breaking the distressing news.
I pushed Gerard away and got in the car. I took a breath to cam down; I couldn’t die too. Laurie couldn’t be orphaned at hours old. I drove home, looking around.
Everything smelt like her. Everything looked like her. Everything was her. I laid on our bed - the bed we’d slept in, made love in, lived in - and cried. As if I hadn’t cried enough the past three hours.
I rummaged in the drawers, looking through her stuff. I looked under the bed and found a box. There were two old pregnancy tests, both saying positive. One looked really dated, like it was from the nineties. I dug further and found more stuff. Drawings, and ticket stubs from all the movies we’ve been to. There was the rose I bought her for valentines.
There was also a letter. It was addressed to me. So I opened it.
“Dear Frank.
You don’t really know me. I know how you think you do. I hope when you find this, our daughter is safe in her bed and I’m no where to be found. Not dead, I hope though hah. Anyways. I’m gonna just… spill my past out to you. Right from the top.
Well, I was born in Scotland. My mom was Scottish and my dad was from New Jersey. He traveled on business, but he was only your age, and my mom was mine. They met in Glasgow and well, me and my sister happened. We moved before I could talk, to America. We moved around a lot but we settled in Wyckoff when my dad got sick. He died when I was twelve. I think I told you that part. Anyway.
We moved to Belleview and my sister stayed in Wyckoff, coz she was with someone. She got married to him, you know James. So me and my mom were in Belleview and Erryn was in Wyckoff. She probably still is at this time.
When I was sixteen, I met Mikey, because we were in senior Math together. I was a brain hah. So, I met Mikey and he was kind of bad at Math, so I tutored him. I met Gerard then. He was older than me and we started dating. He kind of… pressured me into giving him my virginity. I grew depressed because he got drunk a lot and hit me.
We fell out because he knocked me out, and then we got back together. He got me pregnant, got scared and ran. I had an abortion. I never heard from him for ages.
One night, I stole my moms car and went to a bar. I was still only sixteen. I became a hooker, and ended up starting my own business as a hooker. I even had employees and customers. I bought a house, and turned it into a whorehouse. But I met Cariad, and everything.
Then my mom got this boyfriend. A right piece of work. I think he’s still in prison. He used to beat my mom but she wouldn’t admit it. But I knew. One day, a few hours after my seventeenth birthday, I went and confronted her. She denied everything, even though she was covered in bruises. So I ran away. I got sick.
I had a panic attack and was in hospital for weeks.
I found out, when I woke up, that my mom had killed herself.
The ink was smudged at that part. I knew she’d started crying. I was now, because it seemed she’d had such a bad life. I carried on reading, even thought it was making me feel ill.
Gerard was the one who found her. He tried to get back in my life. Mikey tried to get him back in my life. But I wouldn’t go back there, no way. I found out Cariad had gotten married, and let her move in.
That’s when I met you. I couldn’t tell you all of this from the beginning because I liked you so much.
I could never tell you how I felt about you, even when you put that ring on my finger. I know how you’d feel about it. You probably hate me now. If I’m still around when you’re reading this, don’t let me go. I can’t take much more. I’ve been close to killing myself, I’ve even tried, so many times. You leaving me would be the thing that makes me do it.
But Frankie, I love you. I really do.
I hope these aren’t my last words to you.
Okay, this is the end.
Yours forever… and ever… and ever… and you get the picture, right?
Love, Loyrn. Xxx
I cried, holding the letter tightly. It was her last words, sadly. But they were to me, and only me. I felt sort of special, and sentimental. And I hugged it tightly. I’d keep this till the day I died. Which hopefully wouldn’t be for a long time yet.
I missed her already. I’d always, always love her.
***
A year later and me and Frankie were still together.
# I don’t care if Monday’s blue… #
The music blared and we danced, his one hand on my waist and his other on the side of my face. We weren’t drunk, though we’d had a little to drink. He smiled happily at me, a look of content across his ever - dare I say that cruel word - perfect features. A look that was supposed to make me believe that he cared. But it didn’t; no one cared about me.
“You know, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, you’ve obviously not met many people,” I grinned falsely.
He laughed, stroking my face gently and looking at me as if he actually did mean it. But he’d given me that look before. Yet, there was something different about the way he gave me it. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t identify; but in the year I’d known him, I’d come to learn that he was good at masking his emotion in his eyes.
“Look, let’s be serious for a sec,” he laughed.
“Me? Serious? You’re ‘avin’ a larf,” I smiled, in a strange accent.
At this sarcastic comment, he laughed again. Not a harsh cackle or a coarse chortle, but… a laugh. Almost a giggle but a jolly chuckle in its own right, with just a hint of that schoolgirl “teehee” element. It was such an adorable laugh, but I wasn’t going to admit that.
# It’s Friday I’m in love… #
“Look, I’m not good at this shit, but… I want you to wear this,” he said.
I looked at him bluntly, as he dug around in his pants pocket for whatever he wanted me to wear. He pulled out a plain chain, his hand covering the pendant so I couldn’t see, and something else shiny that he was also hiding.
“T-Turn around,” he whispered nervously.
Like I said, I’d only known him a year, but in that whole year, he’d never been nervous or shy. He usually just did it and brushed everything off with a laugh and a joke, kinda like me. Guess that’s why I liked him.
So I did what he said, turning on my heel and facing the band stand. Something cold fell against my neck and chest, and I felt all the color drain out of me into the floor. My hands curled into fists, so tight that I could feel a small trickle of blood from where my nails were digging in. My eyes started to well up as I looked down, seeing a plain chain with a pendant twisted into the shape of his first initial.
Turning back round, I saw he was fiddling nervously with something in his hand.
“Wear this?”
He held out a small silver band, and I felt my arm extending itself. His face lit up dramatically and he slipped the band onto my finger. There was a matching one on his same finger; I knew things had gotten serious…
***
THE END?
♠ ♠ ♠
How did you like it?I could have the sequel up soon?
Tomorrow or Friday, depends.
On what?
On how I'm feeling.
xoxo