The Only Thing On My Wishlist

My face felt hot, despite the snow falling around us. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Lucy had rigged the Secret Santa, that much I gathered. But the thought that I had something to do with it, that was mad! She was mad!

“What’s the big deal anyway?” I demanded when I finally gathered my wits. “It’s just a stupid game. The fact that it was rigged has nowt to do with you and I.”

“It has everything to do with us, Josh! I thought it was a sign, you know? I thought it meant something, something like fate or… God, that’s just so fucking stupid. The fact that I even considered it…” She shook her head, like she was shaking off a haze. “This isn’t just about the Secret Santa. That just proved that this has been rigged from the start, everything has been!”

“No, it hasn’t,” I argued. “You can’t say that everything that’s happened between us… None of that was… It was all just us. No one’s been pulling the strings.”

“Except you,” she accused, fixing her glare on me.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” I tried again. “You can ask Lucy, she’ll tell you—”

“I wouldn’t believe her! She’s tried so hard this far, who’s to say she wouldn’t lie to me just to get you back in my good graces? I’m not a fucking idiot, Josh.”

“No, you’re just fucking mental, Elliot,” I seethed.

She gawked at me. “Oh, now you’re gonna call me names, is that it?”

“Yeah!” I scoffed, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I could feel my cheeks getting splotchy. “You’ve got a lot of nerve accusing me like this, especially when I’m telling you I had nothing to do with it. I’ve put up with a lot of your shit, and—”

“My shit!” she shrieked. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean!”

“Exactly what I said!” I shouted back. “I’ve had to jump through hoops just to get you to talk to me! You kicked me in the head, called my girlfriend names, got me thrown out of a girlie shop, almost got me killed by your boyfriend, and now you’re trying to lie to me?”

“Lie to you?” she yelled. “How am I lying to you? The only liar here is you!”

“No, you see, that’s not it,” I replied, lowering my voice. “I’m not lying about anything. I never have. But you never trusted me. If you did, you’d believe me right now when I tell you that I had nothing to do with whatever crap Lucy pulled.”

“I don’t—”

I cut her off. “Think about it before you say it. If you tell me right now you don’t believe me, I’m through. I won’t be coming back, not even when you figure out how absolutely daft you’ve been.”

She glared at me. “First I’m crazy, and now I’m stupid? You’re really racking up the points here, Josh.”

“I’m done trying to be nice to you, Ellie,” I shot back. “You’ve never responded well to it anyway.”

Her nostrils flared. “Fuck you.”

She started to stomp away, like a child throwing a tantrum, her arms crossed tightly across her chest. I knew she was freezing, but she was too stubborn to admit it.

“Where are you going?” I demanded, following her a few paces. “You don’t know anyone else. It’s freezing. Use you’re fucking head, Elliot.”

She stopped and turned to face me. “Tell me again that you didn’t do it,” she said so quickly the words were almost lost in the wind.

We stood there like two fiends out of an old western movie, breathing heavily, tense. I felt like Clint Eastwood.

“I didn’t do it,” I finally replied.

She pressed her lips together in a thin line and averted her gaze. “I don’t believe you.”

I felt my shoulders sag as the words left her mouth. This was it. We’d had our fun, and now it was over. She wanted me gone.

“Right,” I muttered, staring at the snow covering my shoes. My toes were frozen, like little ice cubes inside my thin trainers. “Bye, then.”

I was a few steps away when her voice stopped me.

“Josh?” she called.

Hope filled my chest like a traitor. “Yeah?” I replied, half-turning toward her.

She shivered. “You better mean it, because I don’t want to see you ever again.”

I closed my eyes briefly. “I mean it,” I told her firmly.

When I opened my eyes, she was shaking, but it wasn’t just from the cold. I once thought that there was nothing worse than watching a girl cry. But then I met Elliot and realized that there’s one thing worse than that, and it’s watching not just any girl cry but Elliot Green when you’ve got nothing left to do but walk away. So I did just that. I pulled my keys out of my pocket, abandoning my jacket and hat and gift inside for the option of an easy escape, and got into my car, and I left Elliot standing on the sidewalk, in the snow, crying over a problem that never even existed.

&&

“Josh!”

I was sure I was having a nightmare. Her voice was too surround sound for it to be real.

“Josh, wake up!”

I groaned as she shook my shoulder hard, rattling me right out of the REM cycle.

“Piss off,” I muttered, only turning my head so my voice wouldn’t be muffled by my pillow.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” she begged.

I pushed myself up with my elbows and glared over at her. “D’you not understand the term ‘piss off’, Luce?”

“Oh I understand it,” she shot back. “But when have I ever done what you told me?”

“I’m not playing games today,” I snapped, rolling onto my side. “I mean it, Lucy. Get out.”

“Oi, just hear her ou…”

“And you can sod off as well, Max!” I shouted, whipping around to glare at him.

Max winced. “Harsh, mate,” he mumbled, sitting at the edge of my bed. “We’re just trying to fix it.”

“I don’t need you to fix anything,” I snarled, fixing my glare on her. “You’ve already mucked it all up, haven’t you? There’s nothing left to fix, besides. We’re finished, me and Ellie. All you did by rigging this Secret Santa is make us realize we have nothing in common. She’s out of her bleeding mind, and I don’t want owt to do with her anymore.”

“You don’t mean that,” Lucy accused. “You’ve got plenty in common, and you’re both mad for each other. Don’t try to lie to yourself.”

“What do you want me to say, Luce? That I fell for her? Because I did, but you went and fucked it all up.”

Her face crumpled. “Josh,” she whispered, and then she just opened and closed her mouth like a fish, lost for words.

“I’ve not the patience to deal with you today,” I growled. Then I rolled back onto my stomach and buried my face in my pillow.

“You can’t just ignore me, Josh,” she tried again, forcing her way onto my bed.

“D’you not get it? I’m not playing around here, Lucy! This isn’t some kind of joke!”

“I’m not joking!” she shouted back. “I’m trying to fix this! Unlike you, I’m not spending the day in bed wallowing in unhappiness. I’m trying to right what I did wrong.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong, though,” I reminded her. “You seem to keep forgetting that.”

“But I can’t make it better on my own,” she whispered, sliding onto the floor to kneel beside my bed, putting us at eye-level.

I turned my head.

“Josh, please,” she begged.

“There’s no fixing it,” I mumbled into my pillow. “She’s already told me that, and I told her I’m through. So even if you can convince her that I had nothing to do with it, it won’t matter. She never trusted me to begin with. I was fooling myself to think she wasn’t on the rebound.”

“She’s going to leave,” Lucy pressed. “She doesn’t think she’s stable enough on her own to be single, and if you don’t give her a reason to stay, she’s going to end up going back to Grant. Doesn’t that bother you at all?”

“Of course it bothers me!” I exploded, flying off my bed.

She rushed back, colliding against Max. They both stared at me, eyes wide.

I fought back a crumpling expression. “You’ve no idea how much this hurts. That’s why you both need to fuck off. Please.” My voice cracked, and I closed my eyes slowly, collapsing back onto my bed. “Just let me be alone. You owe me that much.”

There was a light shuffle, a creak, and when I opened my eyes, I was alone. A couple minutes later, I heard the front door close, and then footsteps on the stairs.

“Josh?”

I lifted my head from my pillow, my blurred vision sharpening and focusing on my mum in my doorway.

“Is everything alright, love? Max and Lucy left in quite a hurry, and I heard an awful lot of yelling…”

“I’m fine, Mum,” I croaked.

She sighed. “Can I come in?”

“I really want to be alone right now,” I answered, collapsing back against my pillows.

A moment later, my bed sank in near my feet.

I lifted my head.

“It was more of a polite warning than a request,” she said. Then she squeezed my toes. “What’s happened, love?”

“It’s nothing, Mum,” I mumbled. This wasn’t exactly the type of thing I wanted to talk about with her.

“Doesn’t seem like nothing. You seem right distraught over it, to be honest.”

I didn’t respond.

“If I guess right, will you tell me?”

More silence. I didn’t want to be angry with her, but it was hard when I was angry at the world.

“It’s about a girl, isn’t it?”

I winced. “Are you some sort of psychic or something?” I asked, sitting up. I hunched over, crossing my legs in front of me.

“No, I’m your mother,” she said. “I’m all knowing.”

We both stared at each other for a moment.

“Well, it probably helped that Lucy mentioned something when they stopped by,” she continued sheepishly. “I just want to make sure you’re alright. You don’t seem to be taking it well, whatever happened?”

“She hates me,” I answered darkly.

“Lucy?”

I shrugged. “Probably her too, by now,” I replied. “Throw in Max for good measure, as well. But I was talking about Elliot.”

“And what could you have possibly done to make her hate you?” she asked gently, squeezing my foot again. “I know you, Joshua, and I know you’re not capable of doing anything unforgivable. The two of you were so keen on each other just a day ago. What happened?”

“Lucy rigged the Secret Santa,” I said, my voice cracking. I frowned, pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes until stars exploded behind my eyelids. “Elliot thought it was something like fate that ended us up with each other in Lucy’s Secret Santa, but then she found out it was rigged and now she thinks I’ve been playing games with her this whole time. I mean—” I stopped, shaking my head. “I just… I don’t know how she can think that, not when I’ve been so… I was so nice to her all the time, Mum, and she thinks that I’m this big liar. So I told her I’m finished, and now she hates me and she’s probably going back to the States and to her ex-boyfriend there, which is just great, because then I’ll be here with nothing but enough material for a new album’s worth of songs.”

She frowned. “Oh, my boy. I’m so sorry.” She sighed and patted my leg absently. “At least your fans would be pleased with that last option though.”

“Well, that’s great for them,” I replied, bending my knees up and cradling my head in my hands. “Because I’m just a bit heartbroken over it.”

The bed shifted, and she moved to sit beside me, wrapping a motherly arm around my shoulders. “I’m not the best at giving this kind of advice,” she admitted, rubbing my arm. “I’m not a love guru like most mums are. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have married a man who’s off gallivanting in the States every other month.”

I chuckled, turning my head to the side to look at her. “I must get that from him then, yeah?”

“My world travelers,” she answered with a smile, ruffling my hair.

“Mum!” I protested, even though I knew it was a wreck anyway. That’s what happens when you stay in bed all day.

She gave my cheek a hard pinch and stood up. “You know, love, if you really like this girl—and I can tell you do—maybe you should try again. You spoke with her once, when she was still stuck in that intense anger of just finding out about everything. Maybe now that she’s had time to cool off, you could speak with her. Talk some sense into her.”

“But I told her I’m done. How am I supposed to go back when I told her I’m finished, that I won’t try again even when she’s figured it all out?”

She gave me a weak smile. “Oh, Josh. You won’t be the first man that’s ever lied. Better to lie about that than lie about something else.”

On her way out of my bedroom, she shut my door behind her, leaving me alone in the silence with a decision to make. I could wallow some more, go back to sleep, pretend I’d never talked to her or Lucy or Max, pretend I’d never even met Ellie, write a few songs and move on with my life. Or I could get my arse out of bed, put on one of my last Christmas sweaters, and go save a possible relationship with probably the most perfect girl I’d ever met.

You can imagine how thrilled my mum was when I came bounding down the stairs ten minutes later, fully clothed and armed with my car keys.

“You couldn’t even shower first?” she asked, grimacing at my rumpled hair. “You look like a bum, Joshua.”

“You’re starting to sound like Lucy, Mum,” I replied, kissing her on the cheek. I grabbed my trapper hat on the way out the door.