The Only Thing On My Wishlist

I’d been staring at my phone for at least twenty minutes, not because I was hoping Josh would call, but contemplating whether or not I wanted to hit send. It would be so easy to go back to Grant. I knew he’d answer and I was ready for him to scream about how stupid I was. I’d tell him I made a mistake and he’d agree. We’d eventually go back to where we were before, that dysfunctional cycle of never-ending abuse. Maybe I didn’t deserve better than that.

With a sigh, I dropped my phone to the bed. I didn’t call him because of a sudden epiphany—I didn’t call him because Grant meant Duke and the only thing I was sure of was that I didn’t want to go there.

I wasn’t sure when I decided I wanted to go back to Georgia—back to my dad, back to my friends, back to the only place I ever called home. Maybe it was the mile walk I took in a near-blizzard, or maybe it was the fact that I never wanted to see Josh Franceschi again.

I didn’t know where to start—obviously with my suitcase, but other than that, I wasn’t sure. I seemed to have acquired more junk than usual on this trip, and I wasn’t sure if I needed, or wanted to bring any of it back with me. Everything I tried to shove into my bag held a memory I didn’t care to remember, which is why packing was getting me nowhere.

“One thing goes wrong, and you’re packing?”

I wasn’t expecting her back so soon. She’d gone out with Max less than an hour ago, raving on and on about some Christmas tree lighting in some town I’d never heard of. I figured—well, I hoped—she wouldn’t be back until later. I also hoped the tree fell on her, but as you can see, hoping gets me nowhere. I also thought I locked my door, but then I remembered that we had an adjoining bathroom.

“Christmas Eve Eve is tomorrow, Ellie. Don’t be stupid.” She moved herself further into my room; I could tell by the sound of her voice.

I turned around briskly, dropping my sweater onto my bed and folding my arms. “Lucy, I am so close to punching you in the face right now.”

She rolled her eyes, clearly not threatened. “I’m just saying, Ellie.” She shrugged. “You can’t keep running away from your problems. What are you going to do? Go home and grovel to Grant because you’re that spineless?”

My eyes went wide as I took a step toward her. “I’m not spineless, Lucy.”

She shook her head, taking two steps toward me. “Then grow a pair and fucking fight for Josh.”

My jaw dropped, quirking an eyebrow. She wanted me to fight for Josh? I mean, of course she did. She wanted Josh and I together the moment I stepped off of the plane. “You want me to fight for Josh? No, Luce, that ship fucking sailed the second he agreed to—”

“ELLIOT? LUCY? I COULD USE SOME HELP DOWN HERE.”

We both looked to the closed door at the same time, my mother’s voice muffled by the wood. I grunted, bringing my gaze back to her. I had two options; I could stay in my room with Lucy and possibly murder her, or I could go downstairs and help my mom. If it wasn’t so close to Christmas, I’d go with option one, but being as Christmas was in two days, I’ll bite my tongue and clean.

“Where are you going?” Lucy spat as I turned to the door. “We aren’t done talking, Elliot.”

I furrowed my brow. “Well, I’m definitely done talking, and if someone doesn’t go downstairs to help Mom, she’ll have a conniption.”

I knew Lucy well enough to know that she wasn’t going to just let this go. I just hoped she would at least not do it in front of Mom.

When we got downstairs, Mom was waiting by the stairs with a smile on her face, a bottle of Windex in one hand and a trash bag in the other. “We’ve got a lot of cleaning to do before the family comes tomorrow.

I couldn’t help groaning as I grabbed the black bag. I wasn’t much of a cleaner, which is why I never let my room get messy. The living room, though, was beyond a mess. It looked like a bomb went off at some point. There was still wrapping paper on the ground, and empty trays were scattered around tables and shelves. I couldn’t believe my mom let it stay this way overnight.

“He’s a good guy, Elliot.” Lucy barked the second my mom went upstairs, and as I turned around to glare at her, a wave of blue mist hit me in the face. “You’re not even giving him a chance.

“I gave him plenty of chances.” I shot back. “It’s not my fault he fucked it up.”

“God, Ellie, he didn’t fuck anything up.”

I tried to ignore her, shoving wrapping paper into my bag and following it with empty cheese trays.

“He’s mad about you and you’re just going to let him walk away.” She went on. “Are you afraid to be happy?”

I wasn’t afraid to be happy. It’s just so long sine I’ve been happy that I’ve forgot what it felt like. “Lucy, will you just let it go? I think you’ve done enough meddling to last you a lifetime.”

She actually let it go. I wasn’t sure how long it would last, but I hoped long enough for me to get the living room back to a room that can be lived in.

“Did someone forget a present?” I heard Lucy say as I pulled the strings of the trash bag closed. I turned around to see what she was talking about, a small box cupped in her hands.

“Is there a tag on it?” I asked.

I watched her roll her eyes as she twisted the present around. “To… Lucy? To me?”

I set the garbage bag down, crossing my arms as I walked over to her. “Who’s it from?”

“Dunno.” She replied before destroying the paper, letting it fall to the floor I’d just spent ten minutes sweeping. Her hands dug around the inside, slowly pulling out an envelope. She quirked an eyebrow at it before opening it. “Luce, you’re right mental—completely fucking insane.” Her mouth fell as she continued to read. “I know how much effort you put into making this Secret Santa, and I don’t think you’ve gotten the credit you deserve.” Her lips formed a smile. “You’ve got a good heart, Luce, and any person that can convince Max to bathe regularly is a person I want in my life. I’m probably going to regret this in a month when you’re nagging the life out of me, but the guys and I agreed that you deserve to come out for a few weeks on tour. We take Max away from you enough, and you deserve to spend some time together before you go back to Uni.” She paused, looking up at me. “Love, Josh.”

“It’s from Josh?” I asked, my face falling as the blood draining away from my cheeks.

“Look, Ellie.” Lucy sighed, looking to the floor. “Believe me when I tell you Josh had nothing to do with the Secret Santa. It was all me. I just… Josh deserves a good girl, and you deserve a great guy. And Josh—don’t tell Max—but Josh is the best guy I know. And You… Ellie… You’re perfect… You’re perfect for him, so forgive me for trying to push you two in the right direction. I know it was wrong of me. I should have just trusted that you two would eventually find your way to each other. ”

I had a hard time forming complete thoughts. Josh had nothing to do with the Secret Santa. It was a slap in the face more than anything. I’d made a complete fool out of myself, accusing Josh of something he had nothing to do with. “I… I need to go.”

In a daze, I walked over to the coat rack, grabbing my jacket before picking up the keys to my mom’s car off of the table.

“Ellie?” Lucy called. “Elliot? What… Where are you going?”

I didn’t know where I was going until I was in the car, and already a quarter of a mile down the road. I seemed to be on autopilot, navigating the streets of Surrey like I’d lived there my whole life. It wasn’t long until I rolled to a stop in front of his house, completely unsure as to what I was supposed to say. I guess I wasn’t looking for him to forgive me. I owed him some type of apology, that much I knew, but I wasn’t going to expect much of anything else.

It took all the courage I had to ring the doorbell, and the thirty seconds I’d spent shivering on his doorstep were the longest thirty seconds of my life. As soon as the door pulled back, I jumped slightly, my heart instantly falling when it wasn’t Josh.

“Ellie, darling.”

I smiled at Josh’s mother as she stepped aside, silently inviting me into the house. “Hi, Misses Franceschi—”

“Call me Lydia, love.”

I smiled again, nervously biting the corner of my bottom lip. “Is Josh home? I’d like to speak with him if that’s okay.”

She frowned. “Afraid not, Ellie. He left in a bit of a hurry about twenty minutes ago.”

I swallowed the knot in my throat, trying my best to choke back the tears I could feel welling in my eyes. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to cry, but I did.

“Let me tell you something about Josh, love.” Lydia said quietly. “He’s got a heart the size of the world and he so willingly gives it away. He’s had a few girlfriends, Ellie, but he’s never looked at one of them they way he looks at you.”

I could feel my heart swelling in my chest, guilt filling my veins. All I could do was nod, afraid to open my mouth.

“Go find him.” Lydia smiled. “I’m sure you can figure out where he’s gone.”

“Thank you.” I said quietly before turning back to the door, flurries spinning in the sky as I walked toward my car.

His mother was right. I mean, Josh had been nothing but nice to me since I got here and I guess part of me took advantage of that. It wasn’t that I didn’t have feelings for him—I did. What I was feeling was something I’d only felt one other time in my life, and that was right when Grant and I started going out, before I knew what he was really like. Josh wasn’t Grant, though. Josh had too much good in him to ever be like Grant.

I wasn’t entirely sure where Josh had gone, but I let my heart do the driving and I ended up at Trafalgar Square.

I wasn’t expecting to find him so soon, sitting quietly on the ledge of the fountain that was frozen over. His hands were tucked into his coat pockets, his cheeks and nose red as snow dusted the top of his hat. I tried to think of something to say, but the only thing that managed to leave my lips was his name, “Josh?”

He turned his head slowly toward me, his lips frozen tight as snowflakes landed on his eyelashes. “Hey.”

I took a deep breath, sucking my lips in as I searched my head for proper sentences. “Lucy told me about the Secret Santa. She told me you didn’t have anything to do with it.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “Funny how you believe her…”

“Look, Josh, I’m sorry—”

“Sorry about what, Ellie?” He asked, standing up quickly. “Sorry that you didn’t believe me? Or are you sorry that we started whatever this is.”

“Josh, I’m not sorry about us… I’m… I’m just sorry I didn’t trust you.”

He shook his head. “Why can’t you trust me, Ellie? I’ve been nothing but nice to you. I’ve been there to pick up the pieces, and you still don’t trust me. I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“I don’t even know you, Josh.” I cried, raising my voice. “How the hell am I supposed to trust you?”

“Because I’m not Grant, Ellie.” He hissed. “I’m not that guy. I want to be with you because I like you and I think you’re fucking perfect. I’d be a fucking moron to let you go, but I’m willing to because you’re just so angry all the time and I can’t let you take it out on me anymore.”

My chin quivered as a single tear rolled down my cheek. His words stung worse than I anticipated.

“I just… I don’t know what you want from me, Ellie. It’s like I can never do anything right and it’s so fucking frustrating.”

I took a deep breath. “What are you trying to say, Josh?”

“I don’t know.”

We stood like that for a while, the snow blowing in the wind. The only sound was the chattering of my teeth, my entire body shaking.

“And you’re standing here, in front of me, fucking shivering and all I want to do is hold you.” He scratched the back of his neck, a cloud of white air swirling on front of him as he exhaled. “But I can’t do that.”

“Josh—”

“An apology isn’t going to fix us, Ellie.” He said. “An apology isn’t going to change the fact that you don’t trust me.”

“Josh, I do—”

“No.” He shook his head. “You don’t, and maybe I don’t trust you either, not after you broke my heart.”

“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so—”

“I know.” He replied quietly. “I’m just… I’m not ready to be with you… Just not right now.” He looked from his feet back up to me, his eyes locked with mine. “The ball’s in your court, Elliot. It’s up to you.”

He was gone before I realized, leaving me in the middle of Trafalgar Square completely heartbroken, shivering, and covered in snow. I wanted to be with Josh, but that wasn’t an option right now.