You Already Know

It was amazing how much things could change in one week. Seven days prior, Lincoln had felt on top of the world, happy, elated, and every other synonym that could possibly exist. But now? Now she couldn’t get out of bed. And it wasn’t for lack of trying, it was for lack of strength, lack of energy, lack of motivation.

She hadn’t eaten anything in five days; the smell and taste of food was so unappealing that she was rendered nauseous all of the time—an all-encompassing feeling that not even her medication could help. She couldn’t really do much of anything. And on top of that, she really didn’t want to.

“Well there’s the most beautiful girl in the world,” Alex announced as he walked into her room.

Lincoln pulled the blanket over her head and let out a groan.

Alex frowned, walking over to the bed and climbing in next to her. “Are you feeling any better?”

“No,” she snapped though her voice was muffled by the blanket.

Alex kicked off his shoes and crawled under the blanket next to her. “Have you eaten anything?”

“No, mother, I haven’t.”

He nodded slowly. “Uncalled for.”

Lincoln sighed. “Sorry—I’m just in pain.”

“Take some medicine.”

“It just makes me sleepy.”

“You look like you’re about to fall asleep anyway.”

Lincoln sighed. “I just don’t want to do this anymore,” she said quietly.

“Do what, baby?”

“Nothing,” she said softly, wrapping an arm around Alex’s waist. He was right—she was about to fall asleep. But she had found that falling asleep on her own was becoming increasingly more difficult since she had gotten used to being near Alex so much.

“Is there anything I can do?” he whispered.

“No,” she told him, resting her head on his chest. “Just hold me.”

Alex smiled softly. Yeah, that was definitely something that he could do. In fact, he knew that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for the girl in his arms.

+

“All she does is sleep, Rian,” Alex said as they went out to lunch a couple of days later.

Rian nodded. “Her body is probably exhausted. I mean, she’s been fighting this for over half of her life, you know?”

Alex sighed. “Her nurse says things are looking bad…” he said trailing off.

“Then why did you want to go to lunch today?” Rian asked. “I thought you’d be glued to her side.”

“She kicked me out for a little while,” Alex admitted. “Said I was smothering her, that I needed to spend time with you guys. Zack lives too far away, Jack doesn’t get it, so you’re the obvious choice.”

“Gee thanks, Lex, only you could make the obvious choice sound like the last choice,” he joked.

Alex smiled. “It’s a talent that I have.”

“So tell me. How are you really?” Rian asked.

Yeah, leave it to Rian to go from joking to serious in a nanosecond. He kind of envied the guy for that…but he would never admit it. “Terrified,” he told him. “I mean, the nurse told us that it could happen at any time. And here I am, eating Olive Garden like everything is okay when it isn’t. I should be there, you know? I’ve been there every step of the way. I should be there now.”

“You deserve a little bit of a break, too, Lex,” Rian reminded him. “Link recognizes that. She knows you’ve been stressing yourself out over this, too. And if I know her, she’s probably pissed at you for doing so.”

Alex smiled, just barely. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“And if I know Lincoln, she’ll fight it for as long as she can. She’s stubborn, that girl. When it happens, it’ll be because she wants it to, not because she gave up or anything like that,” Rian told him.

“I just…” Alex sighed. “I can’t imagine my life without her. And I know I better start, because I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but it hurts. It hurts to think that she won’t be there during graduation, when we get signed, our first big show—anything. And more than that, what about everything she’s going to miss? Like—“

“Stop torturing yourself, Alex,” Rian interjected. “Do you really think Lincoln wants to focus on what she’s going to miss? You know her better than I do—she’d want to focus on everything she’s already experienced. Don’t be such a negative Nancy.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do when she’s gone, Rian. That’s all I can think about. I’m such a selfish fuck, I can’t even stand it,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “I mean, what kind of friend am I? She’s dying, and all I can think of is how this is going to affect me. I’m disgusting.”

“You’re human,” Rian assured him. “Besides, if it helps, she’s probably worried about you, too.”

Alex sighed. “She told me that she’s in love with me,” he told him. He wanted to sing it from the rooftops the second Lincoln said it, but he didn’t. He kept the moment to himself, thinking about it every night before he went to bed. But now, now he wanted to tell someone. And Rian was the perfect choice.

Rian’s eyes widened. “Holy shit. No kidding?”

He shook his head.

“What did you say?”

“I told her I am in love with her, too,” Alex said with one of those ridiculous yeah, I’m in love smiles.

“Congrats, man,” Rian told her. “When did this happen?”

“About a week and a half ago.”

Rian nodded. “A week and a half…ago…” he trailed off. “Wait a minute. You had that dorky I-just-got-laid smile a week and a half ago… Did you…”

Alex bit his lip.

“You son of a bitch! Why would you do that to her?!” Rian yelled in the relatively empty Olive garden, causing one of the waiters to take a step back, their refills in hand.

“He’s just kidding,” Alex assured the waiter.

“Oh,” the waiter said with a nod, setting their refills on the table. “Your food will be out in just a couple of minutes.”

“Okay, thank you,” Alex said with a polite smile as the waiter walked away.

“You bastard,” Rian said with a nod.

“I didn’t do anything to her, Rian—she wanted it, okay? Trust me,” Alex said, taking a drink of his Coke.

Rian sighed. “I can’t believe you had sex with her.”

“It wasn’t… I mean, it wasn’t…”

“I swear to God, if you say you made love, I’m seriously going to throw my drink at you,” Rian interrupted.

Alex shrugged, a small smile on his face. “I don’t regret it, Rian. She doesn’t either. Don’t they say that young love is the purest love? Or…some bullshit like that.”

“Some bullshit like that, yeah,” he agreed. “If you hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

“I was as gentle as a new born babe, okay?”

Rian paused. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Alex frowned. “Well, the sentiment is the same,” he said with a wave of his hand. “We mutually decided it was a good idea and that it was meant to happen.”

“Yeah, that sounds like something Lincoln would say,” Rian muttered.

Alex was silent for a couple of minutes, even when the waiter returned and set their plates in front of them. After his first bite, his cell phone vibrated on the table with one new text message from Lincoln.

I need you.

Alex set his fork down. “Gotta go.”

Rian paused. “But our food—“

“I know,” Alex said, pulling out his wallet and tossing some money on the table. “I’ll call you later. Lincoln needs me. I gotta go,” he told him before shoveling another bite of food into his mouth and taking a long drink of his Coke. “Can you bring this to me in a to-go box?”

“I—“

“Thanks, you’re the best,” Alex told him before shoving his wallet and phone in his pocket and running out of the restaurant.

+

By the time Alex arrived at Lincoln’s house, his heart was racing and his stomach was in knots. He wasn’t even sure if he parked his car correctly (or legally) and he really didn’t care. He didn’t bother knocking as he made his way into the house, only to be stopped by Diane before he went up the stairs.

“Alex—“

“She isn’t—“

“No, but any time…I’ve never seen her this bad…”

Alex sucked in a deep breath and went upstairs, walking into Lincoln’s room slowly. It wasn’t a surprise to see her hunched under the blankets, the curtains drawn, and music playing softly from her laptop. “Link?”

She didn’t respond verbally, but raised a hand weakly to wave him over.

Alex felt his eyes water but he tried to ignore it. He climbed in next to her, the way he always had, and pulled her towards her chest. “I—“

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Listen to me for a minute.”

“But I—“

“Goddammit, Alex, do you ever shut up?” she asked, her voice tired but there was a smile on her face.

Alex smiled. “Sometimes.”

“Can now be one of those times?”

He nodded.

“I owe you everything,” she told him slowly.

“You don’t—“

“I do,” she insisted. “You’ve made my life worth living for ten years, Lex. But I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Link—“ he said, tears welling up in his eyes.

“I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, too.”

“And I want you to promise me something.”

“I—“

“I want you to promise me, Alex,” she said before pausing, taking a deep breath. “I want you to promise me that you won’t let me hold you back. I’m not the only girl in the world for you. You deserve to go out there, fall in love with someone else. I want you to promise me that you’ll take that chance one day. I can’t be the one holding you back, Alex. I want you to take that risk. I want you to be happy without me,” she told him.

“I don’t know if I can ever be happy without you, Lincoln,” he whispered, pressing his lips to his forehead and letting the tears fall from his eyes.

“One day you will,” Lincoln assured him with a smile. “I love you so much. You’ve made all of my dreams come true. I’ll never be able to repay you—“

“You already have,” Alex told her. “You already have.”

“I have to do this my way, Alex,” she whispered. “I want this. I’ve fought for so long that I just… I want this. Here… With you. You’re the last person I want to be near. Will you stay?”

Alex cleared his throat, a hand reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “Of course I will,” he promised, leaning down to brush their lips together.

“I love you,” Lincoln whispered against his lips.

Alex smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I love you, too, Lincoln. I love you so much.”

+

When Alex woke up a couple of hours later, his tears were dried on his cheeks and his chest was heavy. He looked down at Lincoln in his arms and felt his chest tighten. It had to have been a dream. It had to. He lightly touched her shoulder, shaking her slightly.

“Link?” When she didn’t respond, he choked back a sob. “Link? Wake up, goddammit,” he muttered, shaking her a little bit more.

Nothing.

He wiped his hands over his face and rolled her over onto her back, brushing the strands of hair behind her ear. He leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. She hadn’t been kidding. He wanted it to be a joke or a dream or something that meant that Lincoln was still there.

But she wasn’t.

He stood from the bed slowly; he wasn’t even completely sure what he was doing. But he found his way downstairs and walked into the kitchen, seeing Diane and Mrs. Tuck sitting at the kitchen table.

Diane stood instantly. “Alex—“

“She… She won’t, uh… I tried to wake her up and…she…she must be a really heavy sleeper,” he muttered.

Diane ran past him and up the stairs, leaving Alex alone with Lincoln’s mom.

“Is she—“

Alex looked down at his shoes.

“Oh my God, my baby,” she whispered before following Diane up the stairs.

Alex stood alone in the kitchen for nearly three minutes before he found the strength to walk back upstairs and into Lincoln’s room. Mrs. Tuck was on the phone, crying, calling…whoever she wanted to call. Diane was brushing a few tears from her cheeks and making a call herself. Alex walked over to Lincoln’s desk, picking up her red hat and holding it to his chest.

His mind was filled with what he had to do. He had to call Rian and Jack and Zack and…do whatever he could to help Mrs. Tuck arrange everything. He had to do so much. But all he wanted to do was cry.

He sat down on the bed next to Lincoln, brushing her lips across her forehead again. “You’re perfect, Lincoln. I miss you. I love you.” He set the hat down on the chest, moving one of her hands to hold it before he got off of the bed and walked out of the room. He had made it to the front door before he heard Mrs. Tuck calling after him.

“Alex, wait!”

He paused and turned around to see Mrs. Tuck walking towards him, her hands behind his back. “Just let me know when the arragements are.”

“Of course,” she told him with a nod. “I want you to have this.”

Alex looked down to see her hands holding the red hat that Lincoln always wore. “I thought—“

“She would want you to have it instead of being….with it,” she told him, her eyes swelling with tears.

Alex slowly took the hat from her hands and held it tightly. “Thank you.”

“No. Thank you. You…were the only thing keeping Lincoln sane,” she said softly. “I’m glad she had someone like you.”

He nodded slowly. He didn’t know what else to say. His mind was reeling with snappy retorts but he didn’t speak them. If this was the only time Mrs. Tuck would ever be civil to him, he would accept it. He offered his condolences before stepping out of the house and into the bright Baltimore sunlight.

Nothing would ever be the same.