DaySleeper

Maggie is thrilled to tell me that the Valentine’s Day dinner is all planned out for two days from now. It will be a regular dinner, but we’ll be seated in pairs, as Valentines. Moms and kids are Valentines, and then everyone else just chose other people. Mike is bringing his wife, and Alice and Rebecca will be joined. Alice keeps saying she’s a lesbian. I roll my eyes most of the time at her, even as my nervousness grows.

I wonder if I’ll have to eat, really, with Avid there, or if I can get away with not doing it. I don’t want to, especially on these anti-depressants. They make my stomach hurt terribly. I need to tell Maggie. She wants me to gain some weight. How can I if I am doubly nauseous? I’ll mention it before she leaves tonight.

~~
Maggie instructs me to take only half a pill, so my stomach will not hurt. I do. I feel better.

“Now, the only way to get you to eat again… is to simply eat. Just eat something. Once you eat regularly for a few days, you’ll probably fall right back into the swing of things.” She tells me. I don’t know if I am ready for that. How messed up does that sound? I don’t know if I am ready to eat. Who doesn’t know?

~~
It is Valentine’s Day. No one’s left in a couple of days, since we announced the dinner. I think making everyone remember that this, here, is family, helped a lot. I miss Josiah desperately. I kind of want to cry sometimes, most times, whatever.

Dinner is being made. Alice plays with the two little girls still here of the original 12. Avid asks if I should be helping. I tell him Mike will tell me if I am supposed to. Alice gives me a look.

Mike doesn’t call me in to help cook, just to help serve. Not like I could start eating (if I would eat) with Avid helping. We work quietly, Mike and his wife talking loudly. She’s beautiful in a clean way.

Dinner is served up, and everyone sits down, only half the tables full now, and Avid and I sit in the kitchen for a moment.

“I am not hungry,” he says. I sigh in relief.

“Me neither.”

“Let’s go sit outside,” he suggests. I shrug and pull my jacket off the hook and onto my shoulders. He holds the door for me, sweeping it open and smiling widely. I feel my face flush and my stomach flutters a bit before I exit the kitchen, averting my eyes.

The cold air hits me in the face and I pull my jacket a bit tighter around me and watch as the door swings shut, the light leaving the alley. I look at Avid, and we’re left in the dim light of the streetlamps around the corner. I can feel my nose going red.

“Cold?” he asks me. I shrug and smile a bit.

“What are we doing out here?” I ask him, leaning back against the brick wall.

“People expected something of us in there,” he says, “I know you must have noticed.”

“Yeah,” I shrug, “People are just like that, I guess.”

“People want you to be happy,” he says. I glance away.

“I am happy,” I say, “And people want you to be happy more.”

“Why?”

“You’re a good guy.”

“So are you,” he says. I shuffle my feet.

“Avid—” I begin. He holds his hands up, smiling widely again.

“Just saying,” He says, “You don’t have to take it any way that you don’t want to.”

I look at him.

“I guess it depends how you meant it,” I reply casually. He laughs a bit and leans against the wall next to me.

“I just mean that from what I know of you, you’re a good guy,” he says, “Maybe you need to eat a bit more, or something, but you seem to be a good guy. To me.”

I roll my eyes.

“I eat fine,” I inform him. He smiles, and I am not sure if it’s sad or not.

“You are really skinny though,” he points out. I sigh. I am fully aware that everyone thinks I am far too thin.

“I know,” I say. “I just… I don’t know. I have no appetite recently.”

“Happens. Before I left to visit my mom, I’d been working here nonstop for a year and a half. I hadn’t been eating right for a few months. I was just exhausted.”

I nod, and leave the silence as an invitation for him to continue.

“I love my job,” he says, taking the bait, “I really love this more than most things I’ve done. But I needed a break. I felt so guilty leaving though.”

“I know how you feel,” I reply easily, a pang stinging my chest. He smiles.

“Felt like they kind of needed me here,” he said, “I thought I was really selfish for the first week I was gone. And then I woke up one morning, not exhausted and hungry, and I realized I needed it. I was doing a shitty job before I left.”

I smile.

“What were you doing before you came here?” he asks. My stomach sinks.

“I… I don’t know,” I admit, “Nothing really. I haven’t ever really had a job.”

He looks at me.

“Why did you choose to work here?” he asks. I feel my stomach sink further.

“Avid—” I begin, the urge to come clean bubbling in my stomach.

“I'm sorry! I didn’t think about that. That was personal,” he says, “Sorry.”

I stare at him. He turns to look at me and smiles nervously.

“You’re my first Valentine’s date,” I say, and then turn red. I try to talk it off. “I mean, I’ve been in relationships on Valentine’s day, but never… a date.”

He just keeps smiling.

“God, I'm a loser,” I mumble, turning my face away and laughing at myself. He joins me, laughing along.

“I haven’t either,” he admits, “I haven’t even dated anyone for at least a year now.”

I look back to him, a bit shocked.

“Why not?” I ask.

“Haven’t found the right guy?” he shrugs, “I don’t know. Busy, I guess.”

“I'm surprised,” I admit.

He laughs.

“Why?” he asks, “I take my job more seriously than anything, and honestly, I am not super-model material.”

I stare at him.

“You’re very attractive.”

He looks at me.

“So are you.”

My insides twist and Kane laughs at him.

“Hey,” he says, and I glance up at him. He kisses me, smoothly leaning down and pressing my back gently into the brick wall.

I feel my heart rate pick up dangerously as my face heats up, and then I am suddenly very calm. I don’t black out, or do anything particularly embarrassing. Apart from the fact that I cannot remember how to properly kiss without intent to damage, I try my best not to hurt him. Or worse, humiliate myself.

He pushes me a little harder into the wall, and our mouths open up, just a bit.

I don’t remember it being like this.