Merry Christmas, I Could Care Less

How the fuck could you care about someone so much when they had fucked you over so badly?

I was still trying to figure that out. Actually, I was about three 12 packs and three days into figuring that out. I'm not sure if the beer was helping or not, but it mostly numbed me to everything else so I wasn't going to change my routine around anytime soon.

Maybe it was a little pathetic for me to try and drown all of my sorrows in cheap beer and weed, but dealing with my actual feelings was much scarier than acute liver problems and a hacking cough at that point in time in my life. The fact that McKinley showed up on my door step just a few days prior looked completely pitiful just as I was shoving big tits out of my flat didn't really help by situation in anyway.

I think there was part of me that thought maybe that meant she was sorry for what she had done, but that also happened to be the same part of me that loved her. The stupid part of me. The more rational part of me, and maybe the drunk part of me, knew that was just her being the manipulative little bitch she was. She was a master at toying with my emotions, so much so that half of the time I didn't even know she was doing it.

But now that I was drunk and high almost all the time, I knew better. I knew that she was just trying to trick me into feeling bad for her when she came over a few days ago looking close to tears, when she muttered something about "so this is what it feels like", when she stuttered about not knowing where Quinn was and then left suddenly. But it wasn't going to work anymore. Her voodoo sex powers over me were now futile.

Mark my words, McKinley Jacobs was no longer allowed to use sex to sway me, smoke all of my weed, or embarrass me in front of her rich snooty parents. No way. No matter how good she was in bed, no matter how much I missed how she fit almost perfectly into my arms when she curled against my side, no matter how much I wished she was still around to order take-out and watch dumb movies with me, her strange power over me ended a little over a week ago.

"Yeh're kinda pathetic, yeh know," Tom told me somewhere in the middle of my 12 pack. I was barely drunk, although I had consumed a considerable amount of alcohol. I guessed my tolerance had grown quite a bit in the last week or so.

"Yeah, fhanks Tommy," I titled my beer towards him before taking a sip. His rolled his clear blue eyes and turned on his heel to walk towards his room. "I didn't know Quinn hopped off yehr dick long enough for yeh ta be alone!" I called after him. He slammed his door shut in response. And just as he was slamming his door shut, the front door was opening. I guess it to be Oliver and perhaps Amanda waltzing into the living room to criticize me just as Tom had, but I was terribly wrong.

Despite the fact I had talked myself into hating her, McKinley still looked breathtakingly gorgeous as she stood in front of me. Her hair was in its natural state of waves, and she wore a minimal amount of make-up which led me to believe she hadn't gotten ready before she left the house. The closer I looked at her the more dull and lifeless she looked and maybe I still thought she was beautiful because I hadn't seen her in a while. Or maybe because I really was drunk. Or maybe because I loved her. I hoped it wasn't the latter as she opened her mouth and spoke to me.

"Yeh hafta talk ta me sometime Matty," she blurted out, though her words held no malice in them. In fact, she sounded rather pathetic and timid. Her tone alone surprised me and made me sit up straight.

"Says who?" I countered.

"Yeh always do," she mumbled in a low voice, looking like she immediately regretted the words as soon as they left her lips. I sprung out of the arm chair I had taken up residency in and took three giant steps towards her until I was almost hovering over her tiny frame. She had always made me feel like such a fucking giant.

"Yeah, tha's meh, righ'?" I laughed sarcastically. "Tha's Matty, always fuckin' fallin' for yeh tricks, actin' like a complete dumb ass an' makin' a fool of 'imself cause 'e cares about yeh an' yeh couldn't give two fucks less 'bout 'ow 'e feels," I snapped. "I don't wanna talk ta yeh fer exactly tha' reason McKinley, 'cause I'm sick of always fuckin' fallin' for yeh tricks an' lookin' like a complete asshole. I only end up hurtin' me self in tha end."

"I neva wanted it ta be tha' way," she said feebly.

"Oh yeah, wha' did yeh wan' it ta be like? Did yeh wan' me ta realleh make a fool of myself an' do somefhin' like tell yeh I love yeh an' then sit there while yeh laughed in me face? That woulda been the icing on top of yeh cake, righ'?"

"Yeh're makin' me sound like I'm some 'orrible person," her voice was still meek and she had yet to make eye contact with me. I wasn't used to this Kinley and if I wasn't so livid it probably would have worried me.

"'Cause yeh are!" My voice boomed and she cowered below me. "Who tha fuck plays wiff someone's emotions like tha'?"

"I woulda never done it if I knew fhings would end up this way," she tried to justify herself. "I swear."

"I don't fuckin' believe yeh," I sneered at her, getting right in her pretty little face. Her chin crumbled up and she turned away quickly as she tried to hide the tears that had sprung to her eyes. I wanted to apologize right then, because seeing McKinley cry was foreign to me. In fact, I had never seen her cry. I didn't even know she had the ability to cry. And to know I had been the one who caused those tears, well, that was almost enough to make me stop and kiss her face. But I held my ground. "I still don't believe yeh," I crossed my arms over my chest adamantly.

“Yeh don’t get it, Matty!” She yelled suddenly, regaining the fire the Kinley I had somehow grown to love had always possessed. “An’ yeh should. Yeh should know ‘ow much it took fer me ta come ova ‘ere an’ tell yeh I’m sorry. Even after I fuckin’ humiliated myself in front of yeh an’ tha’ girl tha other day. I swallowed my fuckin’ pride an’ yeh won’t even fuckin’ listen ta me. Do you know 'ow much it too fer me ta actually come 'ere an' tell yeh all of this? I know wha’ I did was proper fucked up, but I never knew yeh cared so much,” she said, almost whispering the last part. “I ‘ope yeh believe that I’m not tha’ fuckin’ heartless, although I guess I wouldn’t blame yeh,” she added with a sigh as she raked her fingers through her pink and blonde hair. “Maybe ‘s stupid of me ta even ask, but tomorrow’s Christmas Eve an’ me parents ‘re throwin’ their biggest party of tha season. Although I technically already ‘ave a date, I realleh wan’ yeh ta be there.”

“An’ by date do yeh mean someone yeh fucked cause I wouldn’t answer your calls?” I snapped. I guess I couldn’t help it, really.

She shook her head sadly as she glared at me, “Unlike yeh I don’t fuck for pity.”

"Yeh're righ', yeh jus' fuck ta manipulate people inta doin' fhings yeh wan' them to," I spat, venom dripping from my every word. My face was right in her's then. We were eye level. I could see her tears form and then well up and then fall from her eyes. I should have felt bad. But I was angry and I was drunk and that combination of things made me completely apathetic to the entire situation.

She swallowed hard and broke our eye contact, letting them focus on the floor. "Yeh remember tha' first party I brought yeh too? When we went up on my balcony an' smoked?" She asked, her voice quiet.

I grunted in response.

"When I told yeh yeh got me?" She was whispering now, like she was almost ashamed of what she was going to tell me.

"Yeah McKinley, get on wiff it," I rolled my eyes and she flicked her eyes up to mine for a brief moment.

"I wasn't lying," she said. "Yeh're tha only who ever got me Matty. I'm really sorry I fucked tha' up for myself."

"Yer sappy bullshit isn't gonna work on me anymore," I glared.

She ran out crying around the same time Tom burst back into the living room, sort of the opposite of what had happened a few minutes before. His blue eyes darted around the room frantically, searching to see if McKinley was still around or not. When he realized she had left he turned his attention towards me, and he did not look happy in the least bit.

"Wha' tha fuck is tha matter wiff yeh?!" Tom's voice boomed. My eyes went wide as I quirked an eyebrow at him. He wasn't being serious right? Just a few weeks ago Tom had been telling me what a bitch McKinley was and now he looked absolutely livid with me. I would have thought it was Quinn's doing, but as far as I knew she and Kinley weren't on speaking terms. Kinley wasn't even staying at her flat anymore.

"Wha' are yeh talkin' about?" I asked.

"Yeh're a fuckin' wanker! He was still yelling at me and I was still confused.

"Wha' tha fuck is tha matter wiff yeh Tommy?!" I exclaimed.

"Fer someone who claims they love 'er, yeh sure do know 'ow ta make 'er feel like proper shit, yeah?"

"She made me feel like shit first! Why tha fuck is everyone defendin' 'er?!"

"Cause we're all fuckin' sick of yeh bein' miserable!" He screamed. "All yeh've been doin' is gettin' high an' drunk. Yeh're fuckin' pathetic. At least when yeh were wiff Kinley yeh were 'appy! An' yeah she fucked it, but it was only because she fuckin' loves yeh too! Yeh an' Quinn are tha only people who ever fuckin' cared about 'er, did yeh ever fhink of it tha' way? Bringin' yeh around was tha only way 'er parents ever paid attention ta 'er. Did yeh ever 'ear tha' negative attention is better than no attention? Yeh're such a fuckin' moron sometimes," Tom ranted.

I literally had nothing to say to him when he finished yelling at me. His face was red and he was breathing hard and I could tell he had put a lot of thought into this. I wasn't sure why he cared so much, and I think that's what baffled me the most. Maybe he really did just want me to be happy, maybe he secretly had a soft spot for McKinley, maybe Quinn had talked me up to it, or maybe he just wanted me to get over myself and take a shower.

"So yeh're sayin' I should forgive 'er?" I asked slowly.

"Are yeh tha' fuckin' dense, Nicholls?"

"Maybe I'm jus' drunk."

"Or maybe yeh're jus' a fuckin' idiot," he rolled his eyes. I turned around on his heel and started towards his bedroom again. "Yeh better make this righ'!" He called over his shoulder as he shut his door.

"Aye! 'ow am I supposed ta do tha'?!" I yelled after him.

"Figure it out asshole!"

Well...fuck.