Constant Companions

-x-Antonia-x-

There’s this funny feeling in my stomach, and I can feel it spreading across my skin like an unscratchable itch. I restlessly cross and uncross my legs, waiting for the ceremony to finally begin so we can go to the reception and then I can go home.

Opening the scene, we have Justin, looking as if he tried to tame his hair, but really, who is he kidding?

I immediately recognize the nervous ticks he’s exhibiting; the timely adjustment of the glasses, the counting of tiles in the ceiling and floor- but he’s smiling, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Maybe he’s been better than I give him credit for lately.

At any rate, he doesn’t look as if he’s going to have a panic attack, like he almost did at our wedding.

And me, I feel like I shouldn’t even be here.

I take a quick glance over my shoulder, partly to see if it’s going to start anytime soon, mostly to see if I recognize anyone so I don’t feel so out of place.

I recognize various family members of Justin’s, obviously, Josh sitting next to someone in a blue dress that isn’t Jill, Tony, and Jesse with his wife.

I still feel weird, not that talking to anyone here besides Matt would help anything or make me feel less awkward. I’m not as close to the rest of their bandmates or any of Justin’s family members that are anywhere near my age. Big shock, I know.

With my discreet glances behind me, the one person I don’t see is-

“Beth!” I exclaim with grateful relief as she slides into the empty seat next to me.

“Long, boring story,” she says, answering my unasked question as to why she’s so late.

The music starts before I can reply and we all turn to watch the procession.

My Mia is first down the aisle, maybe walking a little faster than she should be, tossing flower petals into the air in such a haphazard way that I can’t help but smile as broadly as Justin is at the sight of her.

“My God, Toni, she’s adorable!” Beth nudges me excitedly.

She pauses halfway down the aisle to wave at me enthusiastically, earning her some amused chuckles. I wave back, trying to usher her along by nodding my head towards the front as I try not to laugh.

I look towards the front to see Justin wearing the same amused expression on his face. He picks her up once she reaches the end and kisses her on the head, tickling her before setting her back down as the rest of the wedding party continues down the aisle, the bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Then the maid-of-honor with Matt, looking clean cut in his tux and looking as out of place as I feel.

Finally, here comes the bride.

Formally presenting: the stunning, the beautiful…Miss Informed.

And I would know; I was her, before.

We got married so fast that everyone thought he knocked me up first, to which we just laughed. (The joke was on us; that happened a few months later)

I know it’s morbid of me, but while they’re saying their “I Do’s”, I’m thinking about how long they’ll last.

I’m thinking about the night we decided to get divorced.

The night I decided we were getting divorced, if you’re letting Justin tell the story, anyway.

I’m remembering being outside, underneath the pouring rain, I’m remembering trying hard not to cry, I’m remembering yelling: me yelling, him yelling.

I’m remembering him asking if I ever even loved him. Asking if I decided to ruin our lives over my bowl of Captain Crunch that morning.

And of course I loved him!

Typical Justin paranoia.

As she’s kissed by him for the first time as his [second] wife, I’m remembering his [second] relapse during our short marriage, just before the divorce papers went through. I’m remembering me threatening him with taking full custody of Mia if he didn’t get clean, and fast.

Which he did.

I’m remembering all Beth did for the both of us at the time. It must have been hell. I mean, dealing with your two friends getting divorced from each other while still staying neutral?

-but these are just vague details.

It’s in the past, and no one cares anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I remember the good parts, too.
It’s just harder to remember when we were happy, because he is again, and I’m still not.

“Toni…” Beth is nudging me, and I realize I’ve been zoning out for who-knows-how-long and everyone is starting to leave the church. Mia’s even back right at my side by now.

“Mommy…” she says, with the exact same tone as Beth, hands on her hips and impatience decorating her expression. Beth laughs.

“Alright. Let’s get this over with…” I sigh, standing up and following them outside.