When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

The day after the Halloween party, nobody in the others bands got out of bed until noon and with the exception of Jack, everyone complained of hangovers when we gathered for sound check. I was dressed in my normal attire, sick of the costume after two days of it. I yawned as I sunk farther into the dressing room couch and my hoodie.

I hadn't seen John all morning, or the rest of the night last night, and we were on in twenty minutes. Holland and Jack were on the other couch, oblivious to anything other than each other. I thought it was rather adorable, almost sickeningly so.

I got up from the couch, pulling up my hood as I went out to the bus in the slight drizzle. I needed to take my medicine, I just remembered. “Riley, will you actually let me talk?” He asked, coming from his own bus, probably watching for me. The creep.

“Go for it.” I told him. I wanted to give him a chance to explain like my brothers and father had encouraged me to do, but I also didn't want him to see that I was sorry too. At least, until I knew if he was going to say that he actually did want to make our relationship 'official'. I don't even know why that mattered to me so much.

I guess it's because he could have any girl he wanted, and I just don't think that I'm good enough for him. I punched in the code for the bus door and John followed me inside. “I'm not just messing with your head, Riley.” He said, “And I know it's your choice of whether or not you go to chemo. But, you matter to me, a whole lot more than anyone outside of band and family.” He rambled. “I just...I'm sorry.”

I took a can of Dr. Pepper from the fridge, opening it to take the pills with and turned to John, searching his green eyes. “I am going to get treated, John.” I told him, “I just didn't want to bring it up because we were...” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “I just wanted to forget for the time being that there was anything wrong with me.” I shrugged.

John stood still five feet away from me, “Then, we won't talk about it anymore.”

“But...I'm going to have to tell everyone else. When I'm ready for that...will you be there?”

“Anything for you, Riley.” He answered. My phone rang with a text from Ross, and I had to leave. We walked out of the bus together and I turned to him as he went back to his own.

“I'll...talk to you later, John.” I waved, giving him a small smile.

It kind of hurt that he didn't try to hug me or anything, but I brushed it off and went back into the venue.

“Have you made up with John yet?” Dalton asked nosily as we all met side stage.

“Have you made out with Stephan yet?” I asked just as nosily, slipping my bass strap over my head. I never thought I'd see the day, but a tiny blush crept up Dalton's neck. “Aww, you're so cute.” I smiled, ruffling his hair. He exclaimed, and fixed it quickly before we went onstage.

From the corner of my eye, I saw that Stephan and the rest of Many Shades of You were watching us from the other side of the stage. Stephan was focused on Dalton. I smiled wider, they would make an insanely cute couple.

By the end of our set, I was sweaty and in need of a shower. Instead of waiting around for the Maine's set, I went directly to the venue's shower with a change of clothes and towel. I was out of hoodies for the time being, I knew I should have washed my clothes last night at the hotel! So, instead I pulled out one of my red plaid button ups and black sweatpants that I rolled up to my knees.

By the time I was groomed and refreshed, All Time Low was almost over with their set. I settled back into the dressing room couch, intending on relaxing a bit more before I went back onto the bus.

“Riley?” I heard John's raspy voice asked me hesitantly. My heart skipped a beat when I looked at him, he looked much like a kicked dog. “You...left this in the van.” He said, holding out the big stuffed panda he had won for me. “I thought you might...want it back...or something.” He muttered.

I resisted the urge to 'Awwwww' at him, and patted the couch next to me, “Come here, John.” I invited. He slipped fully into the room as I tried to hide my smile. I took the panda from his hands and hugged it, leaning against him.

“I'm sorry.” He muttered once again, wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head. “And, no, I'm not just using you or pulling you along, Riley.” He whispered. “I can never even think of doing something like that.”

“I'm sorry, too, John.” I whispered. “I was being unreasonable.”

“Which time?” He chuckled, kissing the top of my head again.

“Both.” I laughed with him, “I didn't even let you talk.”

“Riley...” John started, but didn't continue.

I sat up, releasing me from his grip to look at him. “Yeah, John?”

He seemed a little nervous. “When I, uhh, kissed you after you told me...I...” He shifted, and I again had to push down the 'awww' building up in my throat. This boy was just too adorable for his own good. “I thought you had gotten it that I wanted you to be my girlfriend.”

A reluctant smile slid onto my face, “I need to be told things outright, Johno.” I said to him, “I rarely assume.” He turned his eyes from mine, a blush creeping up his neck. I settled myself next to him, twisting my fingers together with his and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Well, will you? Be my girlfriend, I mean....” He cleared his throat. His usual confidence was gone, replaced with a nervousness comparable to that of a fifteen year old boy.

“Of course, Johnny-Boy.” I smirked, leaning in to kiss his cheek. But, he had other plans and turned his head at the last minute so our lips met. “You sly dog.” I chuckled, pulling back.

“Thanks, I try.” He smiled. “Do you want to come on our bus tonight?” He asked.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Ohh?” I asked, hand over my heart like I was offended.

“Is it working?”

“A little.” I giggled. He got up, pulling on my hand, and I followed him willingly.

“Gar-Bear!!” I cheered upon seeing the shortest member of the band, also the most adorable.

“Ri-Bear!” He echoed, running over to me and wrapping his arms around my head. He may be the shortest member of the band, but that doesn't mean he isn't tall enough to crush my head. It was a little strange, that after so long of fearing physically contact, I was suddenly comfortable with it. I couldn't help but think it was a little bit because of John...

“You're suffocating me!” I protested, laughing.

After a while of messing around with Garret, completely ignoring John, we all went in the back to play some Zombie slashing games. Garret, of course, was killing twice as many zombies as all of us ever could. Combined.

After handing my controller over to Pat, I leaned into John's chest. “Why'd you shave your mustache?”

“Did you like it?” He asked.

“It made you look like a cop.” I looked up at him, trying to hid my smile, “But, yeah, I liked it.”

“I might grow it back out then...” He said thoughtfully.

“No, it would tickle.” I protested. He smiled devilishly, and his fingers began attacking my sides.

“How is this for tickling!” He taunted.

“No! Not the tickle monster!” I cried, laughing loudly. “Stop!” I squirmed.

“No!” John's laughter only made me smile wider while I was being tortured.

“Garret! Help! Pat! Someone! Kenny! Please! Jared!” I called between spasms of laughter. “Oh my gosh, I think I'm going to die!”

I fought to get away, but it was no use, he was sitting on my waist, rendering me immobile. I managed to wiggle enough out from under him to get a leg, but as I was pulling it free, I accidentally kneed John in the stomach.

It wasn't hard enough to actually really hurt him, but he was stunned for a few seconds, and I tackled him so that I could now tickle him.

“Uncle!” He laughed, “Mercy! I give!” He tried, but I didn't stop. Not a chance. Suddenly, his hands were at the side of my face, pulling to me him. Our lips collided and I was stunned, eyes wide. I shut my eyes, John's long eyelashes brushing my cheeks. The guys at the game systems and couches cooed and cat called.

I ripped away, jumping on the couch in between Jared and Kennedy, hiding behind the large panda.

“You cheated!” I accused, peeking behind the fluff at John, who was now sitting up, smiling crookedly.

“All's fair in love and war.” He quoted. I then launched the panda at him, and it attacked him with its bilk. I jumped again so I was standing on the couch.

“This is war!” I declared, pointing at him as he stood up.

“Is she on drugs?” Garret asked, pausing the game to look at me.

“I think so.” Pat muttered and they all watched me.

“No!” I corrected, “I didn't run today, or yesterday, so I have all this unused energy, and before John came to give me the bear back, I may have eaten a whole package of peach rings.”

John's large hands gripped my hips, catching my off balance and I started falling. John caught me an proceeded to throw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Which caused more laughter and squealing from me as he spun around. “Stop!” I screeched, pounding on his back.

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang in my pocket. John stopped for me to answer it. “Hello?” I said to Dalton, breathing wildly.

“What are you doing in there?” He asked, clearly puzzled.

“Well, I'm currently upside down and--”

“Oh!” He cringed, “Don't need to hear this! How are the others letting you get away with that?”

“They're here with us...watching.” I was now confused. What he talking about?

“Sick! Sick! Sick!” Dalton chanted, “You're banned from the bus tonight, dirty girl.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked Dalton, while John, having heard the whole conversation, chuckled.

“Oh, Riley...you're too cute.” Dalton cooed. “So, are you coming back to the bus tonight?”

“No, I'm thinking about ditching John for Garret to kill some zombies.”

“So you'll play Zombie game with him but not me?”

“Aw, Dalton, you know you're my favorite zombie slayer, it's just Garret let's me win. I need an ego boost.”

“Fine.” He huffed.

“I love you, Dalt.” I sang sweetly.

“I love you, too...I guess.” He pouted. We said goodbye and hung up.

John slowly slid me off his shoulders, “Ditching me for Garret, huh?” He cocked an eyebrow. I smiled wide and nodded.

“He lets me beat him.” I shrugged, “Well...sometimes.”

John turned to Garret, “Don't let her win.”

Garret saluted him, and I stared at them both, shocked. “How could you betray me like that, Garret?” He just shrugged, “No fair!” I pouted, giving John my best set of puppy dog eyes. “One round?” I pleaded, “And then I'm all yours.”

John sighed, “Fine.” He rolled his eyes dramatically.

One round turned into four, and I was coming down from my sugar high. I handed the controller to Pat. “I'm going to go spend some time with John before I fall asleep.” I yawned, picking up the stuffed animal I'm sure wouldn't fit in the bunk. But I would try.

“Finally.” John smiled when I pulled back the curtain to his bunk. He pulled the headphones out of his ears and scooted over. He was all dressed for bed...or undressed I should say. He only had on boxers and long pajama pants. No shirt.

“What are you listening to?” I asked, distracting myself by unbuttoning my plaid shirt and sliding it off, leaving me in only my purple tank top and sweatpants and then lifting the panda as well as myself into the bunk.

“I don't think he's going to fit.”John laughed. After a few more moments of trying, I dropped it back to the floor. “What are you going to name him?” John asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as we lay side by side.

“I'm thinking Cornelius.” I thought out loud. John cracked a smile before asking why. “So that, even when you're not there when I'm afraid, I can still cuddle with Cornelius.” I cheekily replied.

“You're strange.” He chuckled before kissing my temple.

“We all are.” I shrugged, picking up his iPod. “So, what were you listening to?” I asked again.

“Ivory.” John replied.

“Is that the band your band name comes from?” I asked, recalling something I heard in an interview. John nodded, “I've never heard that song...” He gasped and stuffed an earphone gently in my ear, and put his hand over mine to scroll through until he stopped on 'Coast of Maine'.

It was a good song, slow and sweet. I really liked it. But, it was lulling me to sleep. “Hey.” John protested quietly, nudging me with his elbow. “Don't sleep yet.” He turned on his side, face hovering over mine.

“No.” I said stubbornly. “Sleep time.”

John kissed me softly, sucking lightly on my lip as he pulled away, but I followed him. We kissed a few more moments before pulling apart, facing each other, noses touching. My eyelids dropped and I heard John say my name. “Hmm?” I looked up at him through half-lidded eyes.

“Good night.” He pecked my forehead, placing his arms around me, pressing me firmly against his smooth bare chest.

“Good night, John.” I mumbled, cuddling against him. It doesn't get much better than this. I remember thinking before falling fully asleep.

…...........

When I woke up, my back was pressed against John's chest, his breath blowing across my neck. It gave me chills. With his arms still secure and tight around my waist, I couldn't move.

Trying to release his grip, I only succeeded in him tightening his grip. “Noooo!” He muttered, “You're warm.” He kissed the bare skin of my shoulder once, twice, going on three times.

“It's almost noon!” I complained, looking at his watch, “We slept in.”

“No such thing when you're a rock star.”

“Tell that to Ross, I'll blame you, you know?”

“But Ross is scary.” John whimpered.

“Exactly, now let me go.” I told him.

He released me, but didn't follow at I slid back on my shirt and shoes and went off the bus. Lazy bum.

I entered the venue, running my fingers through my hair by way of brushing, and almost ran into Dalton. “Hey, buddy!” He called, punching my shoulder lightly. “Accompany me to the bus, I need another Jones.”

I rolled my eyes, nodding. I needed to change anyway.

“So, did you and John make up and make kissy faces?” He asked, looping his arm with mine.

I shook my head at him, “Yeah, but no kissy faces.” I mentioned.

“You didn't make out?” He gasped, punching in the code for the bus.

“No, we didn't.” I shook my head.

“What a bummer, I wanted all the juicy details.”

“I wouldn't have given them to you anyway.” I shook my head, going back to get some clothes from my bag. “Ugh...How much time do we have until sound check?” I asked, remembering I had virtually no clothes left.

“About three hours, why?”

“I need to go to a launder-o-mat.” I explained.

“I do, too. This is the second time I'm wearing these jeans.” He made a disgusted face, looking at his skinny jean clad legs.

“Oh, you must feel so...dirty.”

“Riley, babe, I feel dirty all the time.” He replied suggestively, throwing an arm over my shoulder.

“Ha, ha, ha.” I let out sarcastically, hitting my shoulder against his arm. “Well, we'll all go and wash our clothes.”

“Can do.” He nodded, “I'll call everyone to get their skinny butts over here, they all smell bad.”

We took one of the vans to the nearest launder-o-mat, and started cleaning out clothes. “It's nice to see you away from John long enough to hang out with little ol' us.” Calvin joked, bumping his hip with mine.

“I haven't been that attached, have I?” I asked, realizing that indeed, I had.

“But, we forgive you. Johno is sexy, there's no way you can deny that.” Dalton fluttered his eyelashes.

My face flushed and I looked around at everyone else, busy with their own clothes. Elina was on the last row of washers, the furthest from us.

“What's going on with Lina?” I asked Dalton, keeping my voice down.

He shrugged, looking over at her with worry etched plain on his face, “I don't know...she hasn't really talked to me...”

“She's so...introverted.” I muttered, going back to sorting out my own clothes. I was mostly concerned about washing all my hoodies first I loved those things and I would probably die if I didn't have them not sweaty smelling and gross.

I sat in the hard plastic chairs of the place, debating on using some of the only money I had left on a soda and some candy from the machines. Or maybe take my chance with the pinball. But, I was never good at those.

I contemplated yet again how comfortable I was getting with contact, and how I thought it was all because of John.

Just the thought of him made my heart skip a beat and a giddy smile spread on my face. Especially when I thought of his promise to me. About him being with me and staying there. It was possibly the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me besides my brothers. Which reminds me, I have to call Jordan.

I stepped outside away from the noisy machines and dialed Jordan's cell. But it went straight to voice mail, he was probably forcefully recruited to help Brandon move. So, I left a simple voice mail, “Hey, Jordan, I want you and your gossip loving self to know that I talked to John and we made up. I have a boyfriend.”

I smiled as I said the last word, loving the way it sounded. I had never really had a boyfriend before. Sure, guys were interested. But, I was never interested in that kind of attention. At least, not until John came around.

It's funny how one person can walk into your life and change it forever.

I never really got that quote until now. I mean, Elina, Calvin, Holland, Dalton, RJ, and Ross had all changed my life, but not, I think, as profound as John was. Even if he didn't keep his promise, and eventually left me, I would never forget him or would I want to forget him.

Because he was there, when I thought nobody else was.