When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

Everything makes a dull ache start in my chest. Holland's bulimia, Elina's abuse. Everything is just so terrible. My heart starts to beat faster when I realize I'll have to 'fess up as to why I haven't told them until just now.

Elina's confession is probably the most horrifying thing I've ever heard before. How could her mother do that to her? How could anyone do that to another person?

And, Holland...I don't know what I'd do if I had been in that mess. If I had to guess, I probably would've done the same thing she is doing right now. It was downright awful what both her mother and her sister had done, now I understand why she is more of a daddy's girl.

There are somethings that people do that no one will ever understand, I get that, but it doesn't make it any less terrible or downright disgusting.

We all wait patiently for Elina come back, I'm against John, his comforting arms around me. We all wait for Elina to come back in silence, mulling over everything that has so far been revealed to us. I wonder how they will take what I have to tell them.

Elina comes in, a smile on her face, but Zack doesn't return. I'm a little grateful for that, but I know that eventually all of my knew friends will be told. “How long have you known?” Ross asked, sparing me from having to stutter out a starting point.

“Since I was fourteen. It first started then and, after a few surgeries and chemotherapy, it went away.”

“So, you mean you had cancer.” Dalton nods during my momentary silence.

“No, it's been back for almost eight months.” I whisper, eyes watering.

“Why didn't you tell us?” Holland asked, concern in her eyes. Here comes the part I haven't even told John fully.

I shifted in my spot, fiddling with my hands. Now that I think about it, my reasoning is pretty stupid. “I was...afraid.”

“Why?” Calvin asked. Funny, he didn't seem shocked that much about finding out I had cancer.

“I...” I gulped and John took one of my hands in his own. The comforting gesture made me go on somehow, “I live in Tuscon, right? And I only moved to Phoenix because of my old school. There were rumors about me, I was alienated from all my friends because during my treatments, I really didn't have enough energy to go anywhere with them and...I lost them all. I didn't want that to happen again.” I explained, not looking at anything but John's massive hand covering my own.

“Don't you know us well enough that you knew we wouldn't do that? And, how could we? That's just...not right.” RJ says, baffled.

I looked up at them again, “I never thought all of my old friends would either...but they did.” I reasoned.

“You didn't...tell me that.” John whispered, turning everyone's attention on him, this being the first thing he has said throughout my explanation.

I opened my mouth to reply, but Ross beat me to it, “So why aren't you getting chemo or something?”

“...The doctors don't know.” I admit, ashamed, “I didn't want to get treated, I was just going to give up. And, it was a completely selfish idea because...I didn't consider what it would do to you guys, or my family, or...” I stopped, shaking my head once.

“So...are you still not going to get chemo?” Elina asked, sounding frightened and upset. I didn't blame her, watching my grandma die was one of the hardest things I had to do.....

“As soon as tour ends, I'm going to my oncologist.” I said, “But...that means I can't...” I stopped, tears back in my eyes. I would have to give up the only thing that has ever made me happy, “I can't be in the band anymore...”

“What?” Dalton exclaimed.

“I won't be able to play in the band anymore. Too much time and energy spent that I just won't have.” I was again looking at the floor.

“We're still mainly a local band...” Calvin trailed off.

“We won't be letting a huge fan base down if we just...halt activities for a while.” Ross added, “Because, Holland will also need some professional help.” And I didn't miss the glare Holland shot him.

“And, I'm really sorry that I haven't said anything before now...” I apologized, John holding my hand tightly again.

“Honestly, Ri, we couldn't care less about you not telling us...it's the fact that you have cancer that's more upsetting.”

It falls silent again, the tension disappearing slowly.

“Now that our group therapy is over, how about we grab some grub?” Dalton claps his hands together. Collectively, we smile, that last bit of awkwardness vanishing, though the slightly distressed look never leaves any of our faces.

We're pretty messed up, yeah, but we're still a band. We're still a family. “Should we make it a tour dinner? Like everyone?” Calvin asked, and we all nodded.

John and I are the last to leave, we stood, but we didn't make any move to exit the back room. “Riley...” John started, looking in my eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“For what?” I'm confused by his sudden apology, yeah, but most of all I'm pulled into his eyes.

“For everything that has happened to you...but it has made you so strong, you're not a coward at all.” His hand came up to hold my face as he searched my eyes some more, “You are who you are because of what you've been through, and you're only where you are because of who you are.”

I didn't have time to ask what he was talking about before his lips touched mine softly. The contact didn't last long, but it was enough to make my heart start to beat irregularly. Once he pulled away and gave me a short hug, we joined the rest of the tour, a few people missing, by the buses.

Alex, Garret, Tim, Vinny, and a few other techs and band members were missing, and we were waiting on them apparently.

With John's hand coupled with my own, I thought some more on what he said. Going through chemotherapy and cancer had been a major trial in my life, and it certainly changed who I was, but...what had he meant by the second part?

I'm only where I am because of who I am.

The only thing I could think of to explain that was that I was only in the band and on tour with my best friends was because of who I turned out to be...but, though it made perfect sense, it didn't seem enough.

Maybe later we could talk about it. As it was right now, I didn't want to think about his words, I wanted to think of solutions to maybe help Holland and Elina.

Since I didn't think there was anything you could do to console a rape victim, I had to dedicate my treatments to her and getting better, because I didn't want her to have to watch me wither away like she had watched her aunt do. That wasn't right. No one should have to go through that.

And I realized....that was the only thing I could do for her. There was nothing else. I was powerless to help her, and that...

It sucked.

There really wasn't anything I could do for Holland, except watch her closely and make sure she eats and doesn't go and vomit it up later.

Why couldn't I help more?

I gave John's hand a squeeze, making him look at me as he was talking with Pat about something, I was too busy spacing out to know what. John must have saw the distress in my eyes because he pulled me to him, capturing me in a hug.

I could feel his voice rumble through his chest as I buried my face in it once he started talking to Pat again.

Soon enough, everyone was gathered and we went to the IHOP a couple blocks down from the venue. We really didn't have a lot of time until sound check, but it was enough to eat, apparently. They had to push together several tables to get us all together, and even then we still had about four people left at a booth.

There were a lot of people involved in this, I just realized.

But, I feel bad for the dinning staff, no doubt after this there will be a huge mess to clean up. It was bound to be fun, though.

“I AM THE JACK-O-NATOR!” Jack exclaimed, jumping up on his chair pointing at Alex. I have no idea what set him off, but Alex looked a little frightened.

“Oh, no!” Rian exclaimed, “It's Jack's alter ego!”

“JACK ATTACK!” Jack screamed, disturbing every other person in the restaurant, and throwing himself at Alex across the table.

Everyone was laughing, I looked around at the other patrons, and even a few of them had smiles on their faces. But I still didn't know what caused Jack's odd behavior.

“What even happened?” I asked through laughter.

“Alex said superheroes didn't exist.” Holland explained, hand over her mouth as she continued to laugh.

“Alex is crazy, I'm a superhero too!” Dalton explained. “He's just jealous.”

“Seriously, man!” Alex struggled from the floor, trying to get Jack off of him as Jack just sat there. Him and Dalton were alike in that way, “I think you broke my hip!” Alex was groaning in pain.

“That's what your mother said last night!” Jack smiled as Alex gave one final shove and Jack fell off of him.

“Okay, all of Jack's distractions aside...” Zack started, and didn't know how to finish. He cursed lowly before adding, “I don't even remember what I was talking about.” He said to Elina. It was about time, too!

You could totally tell they were together now, even if you didn't see their hands secretly clasped under the table.

I turned back to John, “By the way, my father says he wants to talk to you when we get back.” I smiled playfully.

John got a scared look in his eyes, “About?” He asked.

“Well, Jordan kind of spilled the beans on us...”

“Your father isn't...mean, is he?”

“Naw, he's a teddy bear.” I giggled, hitting John's shoulder with my own, “He won't shoot you anywhere vital.” I joked.

“He's going to shoot me?” John yelped.

“Relax, John.” I smiled, kissing his cheek, “I was kidding. It's my brothers you have to worry about.”

“How many do you have?”

“Four.” I shrugged, “They all played football in high school, too.” Teasing John was just too fun.

“You're joking, right?”

“Nope. But, if it helps, Brandon says he approves. But, that doesn't stop him from threatening you.”

“You'll protect me, right Riley?” He pouted.

I grinned, “Awww, wittle John-John is scared.” I cooed, ruffling his hair. “You're adorable.”

“Yeah, well...” John paused, “You're adorable.” He said, sticking his tongue out, which only made my smile grow.

“Awwww.” Garret said loudly, throwing a French fry our way, “Get a room, you two.”

“You know where there is a room?” John asked me, not phased by Garret's flying food, “in the back of our bus. We could do anything we want there.”

“Oh, no, god, no.” Pat groaned, “Please don't.”

I laughed, “You know, John, there's also a whole bunk we could use.”

“AHHHHHH!!!!!!! NA NA NA NA NA NA!” Jack sang loudly, covering his ears, “They're talking about dirty things, Holli! Make them stop.” Jack whined.

“As I recall, you talk about dirty things all the time, Jack.” Holland said with a small smile on her face.

“Yeah, bu--” Jack sputtered, unable to come up with a good excuse.

We all ate our dinner without getting kicked out, which I considered quite a good thing. But, probably the only reason we didn't was because of how much money they were making off of us, especially after the ice cream.

With almost bursting stomachs, we walked back to the venue, still loud. My dark and distressed mood from earlier had lifted, and now I was just...happy.

Glad we got all of our secrets out of the way, glad we didn't have to hide, glad we were still a band.

I was beaming.

For the first time in a long time, it seemed that it would truly be okay soon. Holland would get better, Elina would learn to smile more and not to blame herself, and I would get better as well. At least, I could hope that was the case.

Even though before my reserves were empty, they were slowly filling back up.

Slowly, but surely. John's voice echoed in my ears. They were the words he had said to me about Holland and how she was changing. How Jack had helped with that.

I wondered if John knew how much he had helped me.

Right when we got back to the venue, we did sound check. Today, for the first time, I was actually willing to depart with my bass. I was expanding my horizons, focusing less on my love for music and more on my love for everything else.

Soon, I wouldn't have music to keep my mind off everything. Sure, I could listen to it, but it wasn't the same as playing it. When listening, it lacked a kind of personal connection that was there while you were playing it. I would have to hold onto something that wasn't music.

Like my friends, like my family...

Like John.

My eyes slid to the singer in question, now onstage doing his own sound check. And all at once I realize...

I may be in love with this man.

I slink back to the dressing room, hearing Dalton tell some sort of outrageous story. I walk passed it, instead going back to the bus. I needed to think.

It wasn't the fact that I loved John that scared me, it was the fact that I had no idea if he loved me. If I told him, he could laugh in my face, maybe smash my heart in a million pieces. I trusted him not to do that...

But, people often did things you would never suspect.

Actually...I know he wouldn't do that...but that didn't mean I was going to say it first.

I faced the bathroom mirror, looking at myself. I hadn't put on much makeup today because I hadn't really felt like making myself up at all. I never thought that I was ugly or anything, mainly I just thought I was average, but right now...

Right now I felt extra pretty. Maybe it was the smile revealing the dimples on either side of my cheeks, the tan skin which John had once mentioned reminded him of sunshine. Beauty is fleeting, though, and a couple weeks into Chemo, I'll have started losing all of my long hair.

Instead of depressing myself out, I combed my hair and redid my makeup, iPod in and blocking the world out with the music.

'Hold My Hand' by New Found Glory flipped on. I kind of loved this song. New Found Glory had always had a place in my heart, and with their album 'Coming Home' it kind of showed a different side of them.

Less girl hating and more...loving I suppose. A more somber and serious side.

A cheesy grin came on my face as the lyric 'waking up to the green of your eyes, is something I'll get used to' played. I felt like such a lovestruck teenage girl in that moment, it was kind of ridiculous.

So what if I could connect even the most obscure thing to John, it wasn't like I was some crazy fan girl stalker. He was my boyfriend. And, boy, did I like that sound of that.

I walked off the bus, feeling more refreshed and put together, making my way back to the venue where our show would be starting soon.

I was kind of nervous about what it would feel like onstage tonight, with all the stuff that had happened today.

But, as we all filed onstage and Calvin introduced us, I knew I didn't have to worry about it. Even if it wasn't like it was last night, our set was pretty darn good if I do say so myself. Especially when Calvin got hit with a Jones Soda cap after he dissed something of Dalton's.

Those two, I swear.

As usual, when we stepped off, Jack scooped up Holland and John came to me. The only thing that was different than most nights was that Zack was there for Elina. Adorable.

“So, what do you think of those two?” I asked John, nodding in the direction of Zack and Elina. They weren't doing much together, there was still that little awkwardness with them, but they were both smiling.

“I saw it coming.” John stated.

“I think we all did.” Jack put in his two cents, then skipped off after Holland.

Since the Maine was playing last today, I would have a little extra time with John. I combed my fingers through his hair again, and he yawned, cursing lowly.

“Stop doing that, you're going to put me to sleep.”

“It had been my plan all along.” I smirked down on him. He had his head in my lap, laying down on the dressing room couch while I was sitting with my hip against the armrest. “If you're asleep, you can't play, disappointing your fans. I'm trying to sabotage the Maine's popularity so You First can beat you.” I tried a maniacal laugh, but it only made John smirk.

“Oh my goodness!” He sat up, laughing, “You sounded like a...like a—a....” He tried to find an answer, “You know in The Emperor's New Groove, where Ezma gets turned into a cat and she starts laughing, you kind of sounded like that!”

“Are you serious right now?” I gaped at him, “Did you really just use an example from a children's movie?”

“Yeah, so what?”

“That is so...” I trailed off.

“Hot? Sexy? Manly?” John baited.

“Opposite of everything you just said.” I sighed and John pouted.

He tried to get me to take it back, but I wouldn't. “Hey...” I started, trying to get him to stop bugging me, “What did you mean earlier, when you said that I'm only where I am because of who I am?” I asked, looking into John's green eyes, though, at the moment they were graced by flecks of brown.

“Think about it, where are you right now?” He asked, placing an arm around my shoulder.

“Well, somewhere in Nevada, I think...” I answered, “On tour with my best friends, like I've always dreamed.”

“No, I mean at this moment.” John smiled.

“With you.” I said simply.

“Exactly.” John said softly, “It's completely selfish of me to look at it this way, Riley, but...you're here with me all because of who you are and turned out to be. If you were any different, I wouldn't like you this much. Along with that, you get to go onstage every night and play bass with the four people you've been the closest with...all because you went through all of that.”

I still didn't quite understand what he was trying to say, but I was getting there. “I'm not saying your pain and the cancer was a good thing, but look at where you are now and tell me all of that wasn't worth it. Tell me that choosing to live wasn't worth this.”

There it is. “It is worth it...” I whispered, nodding.

“And guess what?” John asked.

“What?”

“It'll be worth it again.” He kissed the tip of my nose, his green eyes smiling.

“Yeah.” I agreed, still a little stunned at how he made me feel ten times better with just his last sentence, how he could always make me feel comfortable, like he knew what to say at every moment.