Piercing

Breathing in I shut my eyes, “do it” I whisper to my best friend. The only one I would trust with something like this.

This will make three lip piercings; I think as I lay my head back and look into the kitchen light letting it slightly blind me.

This is the perfect time to do this, I think as I’m reminded of today’s events. How could he say that crap to me? He was the first guy person I’ve trusted outside of my elementary school friends with the secrets I’ve told him.

I’ve only known him a year yet he earned convinced me to trust him. To let him know the deepest darkest secrets hidden behind my brown eyes that even the girl in front of me, who I trust with my life, didn’t know.

He was great at first, I think he was upset I brought up her. I had every right to tell him that though.

I don’t care if she reads your texts or listens to your conversations but when it’s me on the other end telling you something I’ve never breathed a word to anyone else, yeah I mind.

I simple told him that before revealing another secret that I needed to vent about it was fine at first then he started going on about “fix it”, fix it, as if it were as easy to do as say, it only got worse from there.

Telling me I didn’t know because we are 10 months apart? It’s not about how long but what you’ve been through, no I refuse to compare lives that will only make it worse.

There are only two directions for this; drop it and act like everything in our relationship is fine (which it’s not) or end it. Right now ending it sounds better.

All these thoughts run through my head as my best friend, do you remember holding that tittle, stabs the needle through my lip in the same place as my previous hole.

“Done,” she says after I feel a momentary sting that I gladly welcome, nothing like physical pain to drown out feelings.

I smile as I lick the blood from the inside of my lip and place a paper towel on the out. The next two days it will be swollen, personally I think the days after are worse than the actual piercing.

I’m happy to live with a swollen lip though, it hurts to smile, laugh, and eat.

More pain will distract me from your betrayal.

I ignore how alarming these thoughts should be and think; at least I don’t cut anymore.

That’s a lie, I may not take the blade to my skin anymore but I still cut, it’s just being replaced with something else.

It’s the same thing, I’m still making myself bleed to forget, still making myself hurt, it’s still self-harm, just in a different form.