Wake up Under the Sun

It had been a few days since John and I argued. And, honestly, it had been a few days since we’ve spoken to each other at all. I took to sleeping in the bunk I was originally given and I left the bus immediately after waking up. I sat at the merch table with Vito and kept to myself at nights. Max would keep me company for a while, sitting quietly beside me as I finished my homework and he touched up the tour plans for the upcoming days.

It was the end of day four when Vito finally asked me what was going on. I kept quiet for a little longer, holding out until I had just the right words. The truth was, I wasn’t exactly sure I should have said those things to John. I was upset because I didn’t expect Garrett to snap about me studying all the time and it hurt because I thought he understood. And I didn’t expect John to just go along with it, belittling my studious behavior.

“We just.. We had a disagreement, that’s all,” I told him finally. I glanced at Vito briefly before fixating my gaze on the lanky singer. The way he moved his body to the rhythm and the way he ran his fingers through his hair made me chew my lip. I missed his voice lulling me to sleep every night. I missed his hands caressing my skin and his long arms holding me tightly against him.

“A disagreement that leads to four days without talking? Sounds intense,” Vito commented.

A girl in the crowd screamed that she loves John and I felt my insides crawl when his lips twitched into a half smirk before introducing their last song. Vito looked at me for a moment longer before he stepped forward to get a shirt for a girl that had approached the table. Once she had wandered away, Vito stood in front of me.

“Why don’t you just talk to him?” he suggested. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”

I sighed heavily, looking up at him. “You don’t understand.”

Vito eyed me curiously. “Explain it, then.”

I briefly explained to him what was said and how I had lost my temper, consequently saying things I probably shouldn’t have said to him. Vito shook his head after I had finished. “What?” I asked.

“Honestly, you two have been together for, what, two years? Almost three, right? So maybe that argument needed to happen. You’re both driven individuals that are highly independent. Sometimes it’s going to be hard for you guys to come together as one all the time.” As Vito was speaking, I couldn’t take my eyes off of John. He glanced at us but when he saw I was staring at him he looked down at the floor.

“What do I say? Sorry for making fun of your Tom Petty song choice?” I asked. “It’s not like he apologized for getting annoyed that I’ve been studying.”

Vito sighed. “Look. You both got heated over something stupid – on both ends. It’s just… It’s not going to go away on its own. You of all people should know that about him by now. He may be all about ‘peaceful living’ and blah blah blah, but he doesn’t exactly like to apologize – especially not first.”

I pursed my lips. John gave a final thank you to the crowd before he and the rest of the boys grabbed their drinks and left the stage. As girls rushed the merch table, I sighed again and pushed myself up from the chair I had been seated in since the show started. I placed a hand on Vito’s shoulder, silently thanking him, before heading outside to get some fresh air.

Vito was right. John wouldn’t apologize first, so I would have to. And he was especially right about how this was stupid. After being together this long, that argument was bound to happen, but it shouldn’t have gotten to us like this. Now that I’ve calmly looked back on it, I realize we were both wrong and being rash. It was all said in the heat of the moment. It didn’t mean anything major. We could move past it.

I rounded the corner, heading for the bus, when I suddenly stopped and backtracked a little so I would be out of sight. John was already outside, talking to some girls. He was smoking – something he never did in front of his fans – and had a beer in his free hand. My mouth fell agape slightly. This wasn’t the John I knew – but could this have stemmed from the argument?

He pushed himself away from the wall and stood straighter when Kennedy stepped off the bus. He said something to the girls that I couldn’t hear and they smiled seductively and walked away. Kennedy watched the girls for a moment before turning to look at John sternly.

“What are you doing?” Kennedy asked. But before John could answer, Kennedy continued. “You haven’t spoken to Delaney in days and now you’re smoking and drinking in front of fans? Since when?”

John shrugged. “Maybe-”

“Don’t fucking say ‘maybe it’s for the best,’” Kennedy snapped, cutting him off. “Because you and I both know it’s not. You’re miserable, John. Just fucking admit it. You need her.”

John looked at Kennedy for a moment and I thought he would break. The look in his eyes softened and he dropped the cigarette, crushing it with his boot. “I don’t need someone that’s going to demean what I do for a living.”

My eyes stung with tears. Maybe I deserved that but it was completely unfair how he was ignoring the fact that he got on my case for trying to make a better life for myself.

I leaned against the wall of the venue for a moment while Kennedy continued to yell at him. I inhaled and held my breath. I felt sick to my stomach. This couldn’t be the end of us. How could one little, petty argument be the end to something so great?

“Maybe if she wasn’t such a stuck up bitch-”

“Seriously, John, do you even hear yourself?” Kennedy challenged. “Now you’re just making shit up so you’ll feel better about yourself. You two were both at fault. Don’t make digs at her for being completely focused on something like you once were.”

“I made time for her,” John defended loudly. “No matter how many hours we had to spend at practices, I still made time for her.”

“Yeah, but who didn’t want her to come to California? You,” Kennedy retorted sharply, his words like blades cutting right through John’s skin. “And you kept her from the meetings about the new EP. You’re the one pushing her away, John. It shouldn’t be a surprise that she finally snapped back at you.”

My stomach flipped dangerously. I closed my eyes tightly, pushed away from the wall, and rounded the corner. I opened my eyes and saw Kennedy staring at me like a deer in headlights. John’s eyes were bloodshot and soft, shocked that I had shown up in the middle of their confrontation.

“Don’t mind me,” I muttered as I walked by them. John scoffed and I paused with my fingers brushing against the door handle. As my stomach flipped again, I turned slowly. “Fuck you, John. Sorry for studying and trying to get an education so I can become something. Sorry I have ambition.”

“Stop apologizing,” Kennedy said to me. “You don’t need to apologize.”

John rolled his eyes, finishing the last of his beer. “Stop sticking up for her, Ken. My God.”

I don’t know where it came from but I felt a rush of adrenaline and energy surge through my body and I stepped forward, pressed my hands to his chest, and shoved him backward into the wall. His head hit the brick pretty hard but I couldn’t make myself care.

I stuck my finger into his chest, no doubt hurting him a little more, “I’m done, John. I’m fucking done. I was originally coming out here to apologize for the fight we had but you- you obviously don’t care to hear it. So I’m done with this and I’ll be out of your hair soon.”

And what he said next hurt the most, really. I was sure he said it because of the alcohol but it stung. And it made me cry the hardest.

“Not soon enough.”

I retracted myself from him and stared. His eyes showed so many emotions, all different than what his words were conveying; his body slouched slightly, the realization of the situation settling in. As his words were reverberated in his head, he took a small step forward in attempt to apologize.

“Lane-”

I shook my head quickly, blindly taking a few more steps away from him. I fell into Kennedy, who was just as shocked and in awe as we were, and he wrapped his arms around me instinctively, protectively, as the three of us stared at each other.

I hated how I couldn’t control my temper anymore and how the things I said out loud now, I never would have said months ago. It had to be something about this tour or the way the fans looked at me. I wasn’t cut out for this kind of life. I was an insecure mess and I had John O’Callaghan to thank for that.

“I’m sorry I wasted your time for all of these years,” I muttered, turned and hastily fought my way out of Kennedy’s grasp.

And this time, as my fingers wrapped around the handle to the bus door, I didn’t let go. Not even when I heard Kennedy’s fist collide with John’s face and the slur of obscenities instantly escape John’s lips. I didn’t falter in my steps as I carried myself up the steps and into the front lounge, not even when I heard Kennedy yell at John one last time – telling him to stay the fuck away –before storming onto the bus.

By the time Kennedy had caught up to me, however, I was already shoving things into my suitcase. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as he stood in the doorway, watching me rush around, gathering all of my belongings. Five minutes later, with tear-stained cheeks and blurred vision, I fought to zip the suitcase but it wasn’t budging.

“Can you stop for a second?” Kennedy asked softly.

When his warm hands gripped my arms, holding me in place, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I folded myself into his body. I muttered into his shirt about how I hated who I had suddenly become – I wasn’t this mess of a girl, I never imagined I’d become paranoid and anxious all the time.

“What just happened out there – it sucks,” Kennedy said simply. “It sucks and it hurts and it’s not fair, I know. I wish I could explain it but there’s just… There’s nothing I can say that’ll make you feel better.”

And he was right. The only thing I wanted to hear was that I would be able to go back four days, keep my mouth shut and avoid that argument altogether. But we knew it wasn’t possible and we knew this new argument wouldn’t be easily forgotten.

“I have to go home,” I said and sniffled. I looked up at him, then, and more tears welled in my eyes at how sad he looked. But he understood why. And he wouldn’t ask me to stay, even if he really wanted to beg.

He tilted my chin upward and I felt his lips graze against mine. It was sweet and light, and I almost didn’t believe it happened. But then he pulled back and lingered there, barely an inch from my lips, the hesitation so obviously fed by fear. I closed my eyes and leaned up, our lips meeting again. His hands settled on my hips gently, while my hands tangled messily in his hair and held him as close to me as possible.

It felt like we had been locked in that kiss for minutes, but in reality it only lasted a few seconds. My lips tingled when we parted but it felt foreign and wrong – wrong in the sense that we knew our lips would never fully match, we would never belong to one another.

Kennedy’s hand entwined with mine, squeezing my fingers tightly. We sat down in the back lounge and while I called Lex to fill her in, Kennedy looked up tomorrow’s schedule. I guess, out of this whole mess, I was lucky we’d be in our hometown tomorrow.

“I will fuck him up,” Lex shouted before I could finish telling her what time we’d be arriving in town. “I will fuck that kid up!”

I laughed through my tears and shook my head. I had to put her on speaker so Kennedy could hear it, too. Loren was in the background, asking what she meant and whom she was threatening. Kennedy laughed along with me as Lex continued.

“I think Kennedy’s got your back, Lex,” I said.

She stopped momentarily, her voice returning to a normal level, though still sounding crossed. “What do you mean?”

Kennedy’s face turned a light shade of pink. “It was kind of heat of the moment but, uh, I sorta sucker punched him.”

“Oh, no,” she said sternly and I could picture her shaking her head furiously, as if that wasn’t enough of a punishment. “I promised that kid I would rip him into pieces of he messed with you, Laney. And oh God, don’t think I won’t do it. I don’t care if he’s a skyscraper, I will fuck him up.”

I exhaled softly when the bus door opened and Max came into view first, John close behind, and Tim right after him. Max’s eyes met mine and I felt my lips tighten into a straight line.

“Lex, I have to go,” I said quickly. “I’ll text you later.”

Max entered the back lounge with a heavy sigh. His eyes slowly moved from my face to my hand, still wrapped up in Kennedy’s, then to the schedule splayed out in front of us. His lips pursed as he prepared for this battle.

“I’m going home,” I said, to save him from figuring out how to start this. “Tomorrow, right when we get there.”

I licked my lips when John’s eyes slid up, no longer fascinated with the floor, and stared into mine. I licked my lips again, this time to taste the remainder of Kennedy’s lips on mine.

“Well that was..” Max trailed off, looking over his shoulder at John and Tim. He was confused, as if he had expected me to put up some sort of fight.

Tim sighed softly, stepped around John. “You’re sure?”

I shrugged. “It’s not like I have a choice.”

I gnawed on my lip. Kennedy absent-mindedly placed a hand on my leg, in that awkward spot somewhere between an appropriate-place-for-a-friend on my thigh and my knee. John noticed right away. His eyes narrowed at us and his hands tensed into tight fists.

I clapped my hand against Kennedy’s and squeezed his fingers. The boys all looked at me expectantly. “Lex is picking me up at 10, right after we get there, and that’s it.”

Max and Tim exchanged looks before they decided there was nothing further to discuss and left. John stood in the doorway, looking on at us. He shifted his weight from foot to foot anxiously.

I kept my eyes on his feet, watching as he shifted. His hands curled and uncurled, grabbed at his jean pockets, played with the hem of his loose tank top. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he didn’t want this to be true. That much, I still knew about him.

I lifted my gaze to meet his. “That’s it,” I repeated.

****
Seeing those girls celebrating the end of the best three years of my life had taken the wind out of me. When John had walked into the dressing room and Kennedy was behind him, I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t speak when Lex asked if I was okay or when Kennedy kissed my cheek goodbye and begged me to promise I’d keep in touch while they were finishing the tour. I was in shock, completely out of things to say.

Kennedy put my bags in the trunk of Lex’s car and I hugged him tightly, never wanting to let go. Over the course of 10 or so hours, he had become the best friend I needed him to be. We watched movies all night – chick flicks, much to his protests – and he wiped my cheeks dry when I’d suddenly start crying. The kiss didn’t even bother us.

As Lex drove through town, I sat silently and stared out the window. I didn’t ask where we were going after we passed our neighborhood. I couldn’t even bring myself to feel curious.

“Well, I didn’t exactly think I’d be picking you up today,” Lex commented, mostly to herself because she knew I wasn’t going to respond. “We’re meeting some people at a coffee shop in town.. To talk about the wedding. Which, I guess, will be a good thing because it’s all of the wedding party – you know, my bridesmaids and Loren’s groomsmen.”

I sighed heavily, knowing John would be included in the wedding party as well once he returned home.

“There’s some people you’ve never met before,” Lex continued. “And we – Loren, really – decided that you can just go with Austin now.”

“Go.. With Austin?” I asked slowly.

“Just to the wedding, of course,” she said hastily. “Not as in.. Yeah.”

I looked at her now. “Wouldn’t that piss John off? Austin is like his best friend.”

Lex rolled her eyes in the most serious, non-playful manner I’d ever seen from her. She was honestly annoyed and I could tell she simply could not care less about John at this point. She pulled into a parking spot and I took note of Loren’s bike by the door of the coffee shop.

Taking the keys from the ignition, she turned in her seat so she was facing me. “We talked about it for a bit last night after we got off the phone. Just a little bit. We were going to put you with one of the Gomez brothers, but we decided you have to walk up the aisle with someone in the party so, why not Gibbs?”

I didn’t say anything else. I sat quietly in the chair beside Lex, listening as she talked to the girls she had been friends with since childhood. Loren’s guy friends were much quieter about this whole affair, talking normally as if they were discussing a football game they’d seen on TV.

I watched as people rode bikes past the window. Women held their children’s hands tightly as they window-shopped at the stores across the street. Every so often a car would whiz by.

But all I could truly think about was John and the look on his face when I walked out of the dressing room. It was haunting, the hallow look in his eyes.

“You remember Austin, right?” Loren said to me.

I dragged my eyes over to Austin Gibbs, the man sitting by the window. He smirked at me, his infamous moustache still as thick as ever. He looked cool, in a major macho-man way; he refused to take his aviators off and his hair was a tousled mess.

“I do,” I replied, trying to smooth my voice out.

“I hear we’ll be partners in crime,” he said, and his voice was a lot sexier than I remembered.

I laughed softly, shaking my head slightly. “I can’t wait to get started.”