Wake up Under the Sun

Maybe it was all too much for me to handle. Maybe I wasn’t as strong as I thought I really was.

No, I was just terrified.

Terrified of falling too deeply in love with someone like John. He was so many things wrapped up into one lanky, brilliant boy. He did so many things and had so many clear goals; he knew what he wanted to do with his life. He couldn’t sit still. And then there was me, slowing down and losing ambition. I was falling out of his standard; I would eventually be holding him back from doing whatever he wanted to do with his life, and he would hate me for it. He would hate loving me.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do: avoid. I stayed out of his way. Austin dragged me to parties almost every night and if John came into my line of vision, I’d bolt in the other direction. Some nights I’d even leave the party altogether. It was an inexplicable feeling, really. It washed over me and flipped my stomach, made my head spin, and gave me chills all at once. His energy always called out to me and tried to draw me in but I had to resist – at least until I could figure out what needed to be done.

“Well, you look pretty today.”

I looked up from my coffee and a soft sigh escaped my lips as he sat down across from me. Another boy I had been avoiding. Although, this one was much harder to stay away from for some reason.

“How’d you find me, Halvo?” I asked nonchalantly and took a sip of my now-cold coffee. I tried to hide my grimace.

He chuckled. “Like it’s hard to find you. You only ever come here.”

I sighed again. He had a goofy grin on his face as he stared at me for another moment longer. His phone rang and he quickly pulled it out, answering without looking. “Yeah, I’m sitting with her,” he said and my skin crawled. It was weird to realize, but from his tone I just knew it was John on the other end. “Oh.. Um, sure.”

My eyebrow rose significantly when his eyes shifted to mine and held a thought I couldn’t quite pick up. “What?” I nearly demanded.

He set his phone down on the tabletop and the screen faded black as the call ended. He stared innocently at me.

“Eric Halvorsen,” I sighed.

“I’m sorry, Lane,” he apologized quickly. “He just.. He doesn’t understand what’s happening and you know I can’t say no; he’s my best friend, for crying out loud.”

I balled my fists up and clenched my eyes shut. I took a few minutes to steady my breathing before I spoke again. I looked at him sternly, “You haven’t told him.”

He stuttered and tripped over his words. “I- I mean- Have you? Does he- you know- Did Kenny say anything?”

“He doesn’t know anything,” I replied calmly. “Not about the second Kennedy kiss, or the drunken one with you. He won’t be happy if he finds out any of it. And I suggest you keep it in just a little longer.”

Halvo nodded and I stood up. His mouth fell open as I started picking up my things. “Where are you going?”

I tossed my bag over my shoulder. “I’m just.. Not ready yet.”

**
“Just one more,” Austin urged. “I promise, it’ll be great. I hear that he won’t even be there.”

“I’ll be there instead,” Kennedy said, as if that would make me want to go any more than I already wanted to.

I groaned loudly, spinning my chair to face the two boys perched on my bed. “I’m tired of parties. I’m tired of running away. I’m tired. I want to do my homework and I want to sleep. Lex is getting married in two days. I just want to relax.”

“You’ve been done with your homework for twenty minutes now,” Kennedy pointed out matter-of-factly. “You slept all day. Lex isn’t even home right now. And Austin just said John won’t be there, so you won’t have to run away tonight.”

I pursed my lips. “I hate you.”

Austin grinned and Kennedy laughed. “Yeah, that’s why you kissed me so many times.”

I shook my head, biting back my laugh, and turned my chair away from them again. “Fuck you, Kenny. Now I’m really not going.”

I felt his weight leaning against my shoulders seconds later. He pressed his lips to my temple. “Come on, you know you wanna have some fun.”

“With John not showing up, you’ll actually be able to enjoy yourself,” Austin chimed in.

I sighed and looked up at Kennedy. He was grinning, just knowing that they had won me over. I stood up and shuffled into my closet to get dressed while Kennedy and Austin chatted about the party and where we would meet.

“You look sexy as all hell,” Austin said, a slight purr in his voice. “God, if John didn’t already have you wrapped around his finger-”

“Austin,” I hissed, checks burning bright red.

Kennedy snorted. “Besides, I’m second in line. You can be after Halvo.”

I rolled my eyes as I headed down the hallway to the bathroom. They continued to argue over who was “next in line” for me, even as we all headed out to our cars some time later. Kennedy insisted on driving, so I slid into the passenger seat of his car and we promised we’d see Austin at the party.

Kennedy drove to his house so he could change clothes. His mother was home and she insisted that we have dinner before we leave for the night, so while we went upstairs she began to put together a quick dinner for us.

I sat cross-legged on Kennedy’s bed, watching as he fruitlessly rifled through his closet. “I don’t have anything to wear,” he mumbled, shoving yet another shirt aside.

“Seriously?” I chuckled. “Come on, Ken.”

He looked at me. “I’m just saying. I’ve worn this all before.”

I heaved, pushing myself off his bed. I nudged him aside so I could look through his clothes. “All you need to do,” I started slowly, holding up a shirt to his body, “is accessorize.”

“Do what?” he asked dumbly.

I rolled my eyes as I took the shirt off the hanger and handed it to him. “Just put it on. You’ll be fine.”

As I handed him a belt and pair of shoes, his mother walked in and told us dinner was on the table. She eyed us for a moment, sizing up what was happening: were we taking Kennedy’s clothes off or putting them on? My body stiffened slightly and a light blush rose on my cheeks. I backed away from him, seeing the question burning in her eyes. Finally, she smiled.

“I’ve got to go pick your father up,” she informed Kennedy. “I expect you’ll be out late again?”

Kennedy meekly nodded, a blush creeping up his neck. She nodded at us, smiling once more before disappearing down the staircase. Kennedy finished dressing and I quietly made my way downstairs after hearing the front door close. After a few minutes, Kennedy joined me in the kitchen and we ate in silence.

“Don’t worry about my mom,” Kennedy said on our way to the party. I looked over at him as he focused on parking. “She knows nothing is going on.”

I nodded. Honestly, I wasn’t worried at all about her. Especially not when I saw John and Halvo walking up the driveway of the party house. I stared after them, my body filling with anger. I wanted to go home instantly. I felt someone’s arms encircle around me and I could smell his cologne of whiskey and cigarette smoke.

“I thought you said he wouldn’t be here?” I snarled at Austin.

“I’m sorry, babe. Halvo must have convinced him to take a break from writing,” Austin apologized.

I sighed heavily and dramatically, pulling myself from his grasp. “I have a horrible feeling about this night,” I mumbled and started toward the house.

Kennedy stayed at my side for a while until he, too, was distracted by a pretty girl; Austin had been grabbed instantly upon entering the house, something I’d grown used to. But now I was alone, trying my best to stay away from Halvo and John. As far as I could tell, neither of them knew I was there. It was an accomplishment, I’d say, going until 2am without being noticed.

But as I searched the house for Kennedy, my luck ran out. I stepped out of the bathroom and bumped right into Halvo.

“Whoa, Laney, when’d you get here?” he slurred. He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Does John know you’re here? Oh my God, are you two back together?”

I shook my head. “No, he doesn’t know and no we aren’t together.”

He exhaled a sigh of relief and clapped my shoulder. He moved his face closer to mine, “Good. So you haven’t told him about our kiss.”

I don’t know why it happened the way it did but I shifted my gaze over his shoulder the moment those words escaped his drunken lips and I saw John standing there. He looked furious and confused and overall hurt. I was speechless and Halvo was oblivious. There was no fixing it.

“Did I see Kennedy here, too?” Halvo continued. “Did you come with him? Are you and Kenny together? Have you kissed him again? You know who you would be perfect for? Austin. You two would be nice together. I think he likes you a little bit.”

The more he rambled on, spilling every secret he knew, the more my heart fell. I could see John pulling away emotionally and I knew he was feeling the utmost betrayal. I just had no idea how to fix it and it infuriated me.

“Jesus Christ,” I cursed under my breath, shoving his hand off my shoulder. “What else do you want to let everyone know?”

“Twenty fucking questions is over,” John snapped, scaring Eric. He swiftly approached us and snatched my wrist, yanking me away from his best friend. My heart pounded against my ribs. I forgot how to breathe.

I stumbled after John, who was walking way too fast to begin with. He slammed the back door open and before I was dragged outside, I caught glimpse of a worry-stricken Kennedy in the kitchen. The girl on his arm didn’t have a chance as he bolted after us.

“John,” I squeaked into the darkness of the backyard. “John, I think we’ve both made some mistakes here-”

“Mistakes?” he boomed. “You want to talk about mistakes?”

I felt chills run up my spine and I shivered. “I actually don’t want to talk at all right now, honestly.”

“Too bad!” he shouted and shoved my arm back at me. I rubbed my wrist gingerly where he had grabbed it. “Halvo opened that can of worms and now it’s time to sort through it. I’m tired, Lane. I’m fucking tired.”

Kennedy stood quietly next to me. As moral support, I’d guess. I stammered, “T-tired?”

“Do you love me or not?” John asked simply. “I’m tired of this goddamn game we’re playing at. It’s exhausting. I know I said I’d wait forever but not if forever means you go around kissing all of my best friends in the meantime.”

“John-”

“Shut up,” John said forcefully to Kennedy. “Just – God – shut up, Kennedy. I’m not talking to you right now.”

I was tired, too. I knew he was the one for me and I needed him like I needed air. But it was a pride issue at this point. I couldn’t be with him just because I needed to be.

“I do love you,” I said softly. “But I can’t commit to you again yet. I can’t do it, John. I’m not ready to fall madly in love.”

John shook his head. “I’m not asking you to fall madly in love with me. I just need you. I need to know that you’re mine and I’m yours.”

“I can give you my word; you’re all I think about. I fucking miss you. I miss the way you talk and the way you think; I miss your laugh and how you would sing me to sleep at night. I miss your hands and your touch and your smell. I miss the way I felt when you were around all the time,” I confessed. I felt my eyes burn with tears. “But until this wedding is over, I can’t give you any more than those words right there.”

I turned to Kennedy then and wiped at my eyes. He knew it was time to go home, that I was done with this conversation. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys, handing them over to me.

“I’m begging you, Lane,” John pleaded with my back to him.

I gripped the set of keys tighter. I kept my focus on Kennedy’s bright eyes, my breath stuck somewhere in my chest. I had to figure out what was holding me back before I could dive right back in. I owed it to him – and myself – to know what I wanted out of this. I needed to understand and embrace his lifestyle and the people that adore him. Most of all, I needed to somehow kill the jealousy that always brewed in the pit of my stomach. I needed to work on my self-esteem.

“I’m just not ready,” I repeated softly, not turning to face him. I swallowed hard and bravely walked back into the house. Kennedy followed close behind me, a hand on my back as we weaved in and out of the crowds. As soon as we left the house, he gently tangled his fingers with mine and lightly squeezed my hand reassuringly.

I drove Kennedy’s car back to my house and took him inside. He fell face-first onto my bed with a sigh, head buried in the pillows. I took his shoes off, tossing them across my room, and tugged at the leg of his jeans so he’d get them off by himself.

“I’m so confused, Kenny,” I said as I pulled the dress off over my head.

He grunted as he fought to get his jeans off his legs. “I know, Lane. I know. I wish I could help.”

I stepped into a pair of pajama shorts and turned to face him. He tossed his shirt at me and I sighed, tugging it on. I turned the lights out and climbed into bed next to him. “I really don’t know what to do. I just.. I need to figure things out, you know?”

Kennedy yawned, wrapped his arms around me, and nodded with eyes closed. “You do what you have to do. I don’t want to see you get hurt again, and if that means taking a while to think things over, do it. John can wait if he really loves you.”