Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

When I woke up in a cold sweat that night, I knew it wouldn’t be a good day.

I think the combination of the beach, the confrontation with both Josh and Max, and then the fact that I had yet to talk to Danielle so I had no idea what she was thinking or how she was feeling stirred something inside of me.

The nightmare was so vivid. I felt like I was transported back to a year ago, when the dreams were still fresh and the wounds still hurt. Everything was fresh in my mind again. I felt like it had just happened again, and I didn’t know how to handle that.

I tried to push it aside like I used to. I rolled out of my bunk and grabbed a sweatshirt before making my way down the stairs. I was trying to be quiet, because I didn’t want or need company, but when I saw another body sitting on the couch, I almost screamed in surprise.

I managed to only let out a squeak, causing the person to whip their head over in my direction.

I let out sigh of relief when I realized it was Danielle. “Jesus Christ you scared me,” I whispered, tip toeing over to her and taking a seat beside her. The laptop in her lap was causing a faint blue glow on her face, which I realized was streaked with tear stains.

Immediately, my heart was in my throat. “What’s wrong?” I asked, grabbing her arm to catch her attention.

She shook her head. “Nothing, nothing. It’s just my grandpa...” she trailed off, letting out a shaky breath. It scared me, in all honesty. Danielle never cried, and when she did I knew it was serious.

I instantly took over the best friend role she had been fulfilling so fabulously in the past few days and put my arm around her, pulling her into my side.

We didn’t talk for awhile, just sat and cried. Or rather, she cried, and I just kept smoothing her hair down and shushing her. I’m not sure if it was helping, but it was all I knew how to do. When she finally stopped crying long enough to explain to me what was going on, I was all ears.

“My grandpa, I guess he had a heart attack. He’s not doing so good, and I hate the idea of him in that hospital, y’know? All alone in that stupid bed in that stupid room with no good music to listen to or no good food to eat or no good wine to drink, because you know he’d want a glass of wine,” she ranted while wiping some of the remaining tears from her cheeks.

I smiled, because I knew Danielle’s grandfather, and she was right. He was Italian, and there were three things he loved in life: family, good food and wine because to him they went together, and music and dancing. Unfortunately, he had lost his only dance partner several years prior. His wife had been his world, but when she died, it seemed like a little part of him died as well. It was sad, but a part of life as he would say. He still enjoyed his life to the fullest, which was comforting to those around him I’m sure. Danielle especially. She was extremely close to her grandfather, and I could only imagine what this was doing to her.

“What am I going to do, Peyton? I can’t just leave. I can’t leave you here,” she cried quietly.

I shook my head. “No,” I said sternly. “You’re going, Dan. You have to go home and see him. I would never, ever, ever make you stay here, away from your grandfather, at a time like this just because I could use you around. I love you, but that’s fucking crazy, bitch,” i joked, nudging her softly.

She laughed quietly and nodded. “So I’m going home?”

I nodded too. “You’re going home.”

We were quiet again as we stared at the computer screen, looking at flights. But then suddenly, she was closing the laptop and turning to face me. “I’ll go, but I need you to be honest with me for a sec. And I think I need to be honest with you, too.”

I swallowed hard and tore my gaze from hers. She had to be referring to Josh. She wasn’t an idiot, and I was stupid to think Josh would keep it from her for so long. He hated me, why would he keep a secret for me? “What do you mean?” I mumbled as I played with a loose string on my old, ratty sweatshirt.

“About Josh, Peyt. I need you to tell me what’s going on with Josh, or what went on with Josh, or what’s going through your mind about Josh. Anything, please. I’m your best friend. I just want to know what’s going on.”

I sighed, but still wouldn’t look at her.

We were both silent as the minutes ticked by. I didn’t want to tell her. Why bring it up now, of all times?

But when I finally brought my gaze to hers and saw the remains of the tears in her eyes from her grandfather, I knew I had to. She was my best friend, for god’s sake. Of course I had to tell her.

“We had a thing...” I mumbled. “Last year, when I was here working. It’s such a fucked up story...” And so I went, and I told her the whole story. I told her about the internship and about Beth, and I told her about Josh and I hating each other. I told her about every detail of our relationship and how it came about, and sadly, I told her how it ended. I tried to not dwell on that part though, because I knew it’d jut cause more tears, tears that weren’t needed right now.

When it was finished and I finally looked at her, I searched her face for a reaction. Mad, sad, angry, upset, anything. But there was nothing. There was a small, sympathetic smile, and that was it.

“What?” I asked when it was all said and done. “What are you thinking? Do you hate me? Do you want to kill me? What?”

She laughed. “Of course not, you idiot. I’m a little upset you didn’t tell me, but I can also see it in your face how much it still hurts when you talk about it. I get it, Peyt. I’ve been there before.”

I was quiet, still picking the thread on my sweatshirt. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said quietly.

“Don’t be, sweetie. I really do get it.”

We were hugging then, a classic best friend hug where you can breathe and you’re literally squeezing the life out of the other person. I was glad. I felt like we hadn’t had a hug like this in too long, and I missed it.

“Okay, I’m gonna try and sleep,” she said when she pulled back. “I’m gonna book a fight tomorrow though, so we’ll check it out during load in.”

I nodded. “I love you, Danielle.”

She smiled and nooded. “Ditto, Peyt.”

While she went off to sleep, I stayed put. I had some research to do, and since I wasn’t going to get any sleep I figured now was as good a time as any. I picked her laptop up and pulled up some travel sites and began my search. I was going to get Danielle home as soon as possible, because she deserved it. And if that were true, then I had some serious work to do.

***

I was right. There was absolutely no sleep to be had for me that night, and I was still searching for flights when I heard Phil start the bus up and pull us out of Bournemouth. I was still awake when the sun was rising and, unfortunately, I was still awake when Phil was pulling up to the venue and some of the crew and were surfacing to start loading in.

Now, of course, just because I was awake doesn’t mean I wasn’t tired. I was exhausted and I’m sure I looked like hell, but I didn’t want to sleep. Sleep meant nightmares, and I didn’t feel like experiencing those all over again.

Just as a large yawn was passing through my mouth, I noticed Ollie standing in front of me. He was smiling, but it was a half smile, half smirk. He seemed amused. “Well now don’t you look like pure sunshine,” he joked.

I groaned and shut the laptop for the first time in what felt like an eternity. My eyes burned just from looking away from the brightly lit screen. “Ha, ha,” I answered flatly. “You’re so funny, I can hardly handle it.”

He laughed and took a seat beside me. “Did you not sleep?”

I shook my head. “Coudn’t,” I said shortly. I rubbed my eyes to try and rid the burning sensation, but it didn’t work.

This flipped the switch in Ollie’s internal concern center and had him worried almost immediately. “Why? Everything alright?”

I nodded and yawned again, stretching my arms above my head. “I’m fine, just exhausted. I’ve been up all night and now we’re here and I feel like my eyes are going to fall out of my head.”

Ollie laughed again. “Well then, how about I give you the time off and I’ll do load in while you nap? You look like you could need it.”

I let my head fall on his shoulder and let out a sigh of relief. “I’d thank you, but I don’t think I can formulate the words right now.”

“Go on, go sleep,” he demanded gently, helping me off the couch. “I’ll come wake you in a little while.”

I thanked him and then hurried up the stairs. I decided to check on Danielle first, since we were the only ones in the top part of the bus right now. I walked over to her bunk and peeked in, only to find her staring back at me.

“Jesus, Danielle!” I exclaimed, jumping back. “Twice in less than twenty four hours. You’re on the fast track to giving me a--”

I stopped short, slapping my hand over my mouth. “Oh my god,” I breathed as I watched the tears well in her eyes again. “Fuck, fuck fuck,” I muttered, leaning into the bunk and pulling her in for a hug. “I’m on a roll with the foot in mouth moments, too. I’m sorry sweetie.”

She laughed lightly and wiped at the tears. “It’s okay, Peyt. It’s an expression. And besides, it’s not like these things don’t happen every day. It’s going to be fine. Right?”

I nodded as I pulled back. “He’s going to be fine.”

She sighed. “I guess I should go look at flights, yeah?”

“Already booked and ready, babe,” I smiled proudly. “You have a flight out of Heathrow tomorrow afternoon. I haven’t gotten to talk to anyone else so I don’t know how you’re getting there but we’ll figure that out. Don’t worry.”

The tears appeared in her eyes again, but this time she was happy. She climbed out of her bunk and wrapped her arms around me in thanks. “You’re the best friend a girl could have, I swear.”

“Don’t thank me, this is all apart of my job. It’s right in the best friend job description,” I informed her. “What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t fulfill all of my duties?”

She laughed and pulled back. “You are the best, but you look exhausted. I’m going to go find Tom and tell him what’s going on, maybe the other guys too. I guess they need to know.”

“Want me to come?”

She shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll see if Max knows of any cars we could use though or if I should get a taxi or what I should do. You sleep. You look like hell.”

I laughed and nodded, and when she left I crawled into my bunk, closed my eyes, and fell asleep, praying for nightmare-less dreams.