Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

I didn’t know what to do. I was literally at a loss for words. My jaw having dropped to the ground in shock was a perfect signal of this. I didn’t know what else to do, so i just stood there and stared at them.

The first word out of either of their mouths was about Danielle. It shouldn’t have pissed me off as much as it did, but there you have it.

“Where is she?” Josh practically demanded.

While I was still in shock, I snapped out of my trance. “What the hell are you doing here?” I hissed.

He brushed by me and completely ignored my question. “Where is she Peyton? Is she okay?”

Now it was my turn to ignore him. I turned to Max, still standing in the doorway with his hands shoved in his pockets, looking sheepish. “What the fuck, Max?” I whisper-yelled, completely infuriated. “What are you guys doing here?”

I watched as his emotions changed from sheepish to mad to hurt in a matter of seconds. “Well jeeze, Peyt. Nice to see you too,” he grumbled, brushing by me into my apartment. “How are you? Our flight was good, thanks for asking.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead in frustration. He wasn’t serious, was he? What kind of reaction was he expecting? A party? Maybe some balloons? Hell no. “I’m going to ask one more time, Max. What are you guys doing here?”

He sighed as well and turned to face me. “It’s legit this time, Peyt. We’re just here to see Danielle, make sure she’s okay. I’m sure things are rough right now.”

I could feel the confusion covering my face. I opened my mouth to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but the sound of Danielle’s squeal could be heard in about every single one of the continental states and probably Alaska and Hawaii as well.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she squealed as I watched her jump into Josh’s arms to embrace him in a hug. Despite it being completely platonic, I still felt a twinge of jealousy as I watched.

“To see you!” he answered, just as enthusiastically. “How are you doing, love? You alright?”

The same confusion that covered my face merely moments before was now all over Danielle’s face. “Uh, I’m fine?” she spoke, her voice raising in question. “How are you?”

He laughed gently and pulled her in for another hug. “Same strong girl I knew you were,” he remarked before pulling away.

“Uh, Josh, can I talk to you?” I asked, my tone hard with my hands on my hips. I didn’t even wait for a response as I made my way to the kitchen. I knew he’d follow. Or, I hoped he would.

When I heard his footsteps stop behind me, I whipped around to face him. my arms were crossed defensively in front of my chest as I hissed, “What are you doing here Josh?” I peeked over his shoulder to check on Danielle and Max, sitting together on the couch in deep conversation.

“For Danielle, Peyton. It’s not all about you,” he quipped.

My mouth dropped in shock. “You bastard!” I all but screeched, reaching out to strangle him. Or worse.

He stopped me though, grabbing me at the wrists and pulling me into his chest, presumably to stop me from killing him. And it worked. I was so caught off guard that every evil thought flew out of my mind. “What are you doing, Peyton?” he whispered into my ear. “What are we doing?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. I could hear everything I wanted to be saying in my head but none of it would come out.

“Peyton! Josh! Come in here please!” Danielle called out, snapping the two of us out of our trance with each other.

When we got into the living room, feet away from each other with a bright red blush covering my cheeks, Danielle was smiling at us. “I have something to clear up with the two boneheads here.”

“Oh yeah?” I remarked, my voice still sounding quite breathless. “What’s that?”

“Everything’s fine, you guys. Honestly,” she told them, sincerity in her voice. “My grandfather, the whole reason you’re here,” she smirked, “is fine. He’s alive and well and actually doing better than he’s been in awhile.”

I turned to Josh to see his reaction. “Well, then.... wait, why... I don’t get it!” he sputtered. “We thought he had passed!”

Danielle laughed. “No, silly. He had gotten really bad, which is why I wanted Peyton to come home. But he got better, a lot better, and now here we are.”

We were all quiet, processing what Danielle had just said. Josh and Max, I’m assuming, processing the fact that they had just traveled to another country for no reason; and me, processing the fact that they had traveled so far just to comfort my best friend when they thought she was hurting.

I was feeling a million different things right then, and not one of them was very bad.

***

Once we got the guys settled into the rather large guest room our our apartment, with blankets and pillows and an extra air mattress, Danielle and I left them alone. I said a quiet goodnight outside of the guest room and headed towards my own bed, but Danielle caught me before I could get far and dragged me towards her room. She shut the door behind us once we were inside and leaned against it, smiling devilishly at me.

“What?” I asked, my voice flat.

“Did you not see who is in our apartment right now, Peyton? Because I sure did.”

I rolled my eyes. “He came to see you, Danielle. He came to make sure you were alright. He’s in no way, shape, or form here because of me.”

She sighed, clearly aggravated. “Oh shut up Peyton! He may be here for me, but he’s also here for you. He wouldn’t be here for me if it wasn’t for you.”

I put my hand up, silencing her. “We aren’t talking about this, Dan. Okay? He’s here, and we’ll deal with that tomorrow. For now, I’m going to bed.”

Surprisingly, she didn’t even argue with me as I headed towards my own bed for the night.

***

I couldn’t sleep. Between the excitement of the guys returning, and Josh in general, and Josh sleeping only a wall away from me, I couldn’t help that my mind was running at the speed of light.

After tossing and turning for an hour, I finally got up and decided to get a glass of water, hoping that would help rest my restless mind.

I opened my door carefully and tip-toed out into the kitchen. I got my glass of water and drank it, my mind drifting off to the shaggy haired British boy sleeping in my apartment. What else was new though? I was always thinking of him. Good, bad, or ugly, I was always thinking of Josh. Maybe I always would be.

With a light sigh, I dumped the rest of my water into the sink, set the cup down, and headed back to my room.

I laid in bed for a little while longer, tossing and turning and completely unable to fall asleep, before I heard my door creak open. “Peyton?” they called softly, their voice barely above a whisper. “You awake?”

I turned over and sat up in bed, reaching over to my bedside table to turn the lamp on. “Careful, watch your eyes,” I said just as quietly, before turning the lamp on.

We both cringed for a minute before our eyes adjusted to the change.

“What’s up?” I asked him easily, as if my whole thought process for the last few hours hadn’t consisted of him and only him.

He shrugged and took a few more steps, moving further into my room and consequently closer to my bed, before answering. “Couldn’t sleep. And I had to talk to you, so when I heard you wake up I figured now would be as good a time as any.”

I nodded, pulling my body into the Indian stance. I felt like I was having deja vu again. “Haven’t we been here before, Josh? And didn’t it end badly?”

He nodded. “It did, and I guess I’m sorry for that Peyt. You just... you make it so hard to be around you,” he informed me, frustrated. “I hate that, you know? I hate that I’m so mental when you’re around, but I am and I can’t change that.”

“I’m trying not to be around, Josh,” I cried helplessly. “I’m trying, but then you show up and make it seem like I’m not.”

“I’m not saying you aren’t love. We just... we have so much to figure out. So much left unsaid, which can’t be healthy. Yeah?”

I shrugged, looking down at the floor. “I’ve said everything I needed to Josh. I told you how I felt, and you practically shut me down. You can say it’s because you couldn’t process and all of that shit, but it’s a simple thing. I still care about you, and you want me gone. Obviously. Which is fine, I’ll leave. But you have to let me leave. Let me out of your life so we aren’t doing this back and forth thing anymore. Because it’s tiring and it hurts and it’s just... it’s exhausting, Josh. It’s really fucking exhausting.”

“I never said that!” he exclaimed, but quietly. We didn’t want to wake everyone else up. “I never said I wanted you gone!”

I shook my head. “You did, Josh. You said you wanted me to leave, that you wanted me out of your life.” He couldn’t deny it, because I could remember the conversation perfectly. It still hurt to think about it.

He opened his mouth to argue, but stopped, clearly remembering the conversation as well. “I didn’t mean it though, Peyt. I was angry. Maybe I still am. And hurt. But I can’t help that! You can’t blame me,” he argued helplessly.

I nodded. “I know, and I don’t,” I told him simply. “But you can’t just demand I get out of your life on multiple occasions, and then decide you didn’t mean it. Back and forth,” I murmured, looking at my bedspread in fascination.

“I don’t know what I want Peyton, so don’t put words in my mouth as if you do know, because you know what? You don’t know what you want either,” he growled lowly, his anger getting the best of him.

I seemed to have that effect on him. Which in turn angered me as well.

“I’m not putting words in your mouth!” I spat. I climbed off the bed and pointed my finger at him. “I’m telling you like it is, Joshua. And if you don’t like it, too fucking bad, because you’re the reason we’re in this spot. I wasn’t the one who turned my back on the other person. That was all you, for stupid reasons might I add.”

We stopped to glare at each other, because neither of us knew what to say at that point. That was when we ran out of words and turned to actions, because apparently, that was what we did best these days.

I just closed my eyes and thought back to the hotel as my hands raked through his hair while his lips attached to my own. I thought about the hotel and how ridiculously happy that night made me, and I prayed that if it happened again, maybe I’d be just as happy. Maybe it was a stupid thing to think, but once the idea was in my brain I couldn’t think of anything else.

Aside from Josh’s lips on mine. And his hands all over me. And the tingly feeling I got whenever he touched me.

We backed up to the bed, turning around so he fell onto it first and I straddled him. I was basically sitting on his lap, kissing him fiercely while his hands roamed up and under my sleep shirt. It was always fast, fast, fast with us, but I don't think I could complain. I enjoyed it too much to complain.

I pulled away and attached my lips to his neck, nipping the skin softly while his hands ghosted over my hips, giving me goosebumps; he pulled back then, but not to give me more pleasure in the sense of his lips all over me, but rather to stop me. “What are we doing, Peyt?” he started to ask, but I stopped him.

I attached my lips to his own and whispered against them, “Shh, no talking,” before capturing his bottom lip in between my teeth. When I heard the groan rumble in his throat, I knew I had him just like he had me.

It didn’t matter that we didn’t know what we were doing. We never did, so what else was new?