Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

I’m not sure we even knew what we were grabbing as we grabbed it, but it didn’t matter. We just needed a few things. We wouldn’t be gone for more than a day anyways, so we only needed the essentials. “Do you need this?” Josh asked, holding up my phone charger.

I thought about it for a minute before I shook my head. “I don’t want anyone bothering us.”

He smiled before continuing to help me grab things.

I grabbed a change of clothes, just in case, a sweatshirt, and a few CDs and then laughed at Josh’s confusion. “Come one, let’s get out of here.”

We hurried out into the “living room” of Danielle and I’s hotel suite, where she was waiting for us. “You’ll be back for the interview right?” she asked, a worried look plastered on her face.

I nodded. “We’ll be back,” I assured her. Josh and I said a quick goodbye before hurrying out of the hotel room, our laughter echoing throughout the hallway and into the elevator as we stepped inside.

“Where to, Miss?” Josh asked me, feigning seriousness for only a moment.

“To the stars,” I played along quietly before leaning in to kiss him.

***

Its funny, because if you asked me even twenty-four hours ago if I would be in a car driving Josh and I to San Francisco at midnight merely an hour after we had just gotten everything out on the table, I would have laughed hysterically. I mean, we could hardly be in the same state together. I knew how immature we were being. I knew the whole thing was ridiculous, because once we talked, I felt so much better.

Maybe that was because Josh had finally told me what I knew, deep, deep down,what I wanted to hear all along.

He still cared. Despite all his overall douchiness and his attitude towards me in the recent months, he never stopped caring. I felt like my heart had inflated three times its original size when he said that. While I drove and Josh babbled on about silly things, I kept replaying the moment in my head so I could keep it forever.

”If you ever for one minute thought I stopped caring about you, you were wrong Peyton. I haven’t stopped caring about you since day one, because despite my numerous attempts at trying to stop, I just can’t.”

My head was spinning. Sure, I had imagined he would say these words to me, but I never actually thought it would happen. I thought we had missed our chance, I had missed my chance. But here we were, and here he was, throwing his heart at me.

“You... what?”

He laughed, shaking his head, and stepped closer. “You heard me, Peyt.”

“I know I heard you but I’m having a difficult tim processing this because... don’t you hate me? I thought you hated me, Josh. I thought you hated me so much, I’m just...” I trailed off, shaking my head, losing the words.

He shrugged, but didn’t say anything else.

Suddenly I felt claustrophobic. The room--hell, the apartment--was too small. There wasn’t enough air. I looked at Josh with a crazy expression on my face, I’m sure, and said, “Let’s get out of here. Please. We’ll drive anywhere, I’ll drive anywhere. Let’s just go.”

And that was that.

“So why won’t you tell me where you’re taking me, Peyt?” he asked curiously.

I laughed. “Because surprises are more fun, Josh. Keep your pants on,” I scolded him, as if he were a three year old continually asking are we there yet?

“Are you sure you want that?” he teased, making me roll my eyes and laugh in disgust.

“Shut up, perv.” And so that was how the drive went for the next few hours. Josh would ask me questions, mainly about my life and what he had missed out on in the months we had been in and out of each others life, and I answered each and every one, sometimes shooting questions right back at him as well.

We stopped at rest stops every once and awhile, using the restroom or getting gas or just to stretch our legs. It was a six and a half hour drive after all. Josh tried to charm the late night gas attendants, but failed miserably every time. Meanwhile, I would stand off to the side and laugh at his attempts each time.

When we were an hour outside of the city, we decided to stop and get some breakfast. We hadn’t eaten anything other than some candy here and there and lots of energy drinks and stale coffee on my part, and so we were starving. I pulled off of the highway around six AM and we found a diner that was actually heavily occupied, deciding that was a good sign.

We walked inside and got seated at a booth rather quickly. We were quiet as we poured over the menu. When I was in the middle of deciding if I wanted pancakes, french toast, or both, Josh spoke up. “So I’ve seen enough signs around to know you’re taking me to San Francisco.”

I smiled, but didn’t take my gaze off of the menu in front of me. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Maybe we’re going to keep on driving, all the way to Canada.”

He barked out a laugh. “Yes, because Canada has always been your number one vacation spot.”

I laughed too, and once I decided on some sort of stuffed french toast and a side of bacon, I looked up at him. “Okay, yes. I am taking you to San Francisco. Happy now, you impatient child?”

The smirk on his face told me he was, in fact, happy, which made me happy. “Can you believe this is where we are right now, Josh?” I asked him suddenly, smiling at the waitress as she filled my coffee cup and set down a glass of orange juice for Josh.

“I know this is where I want to be, if that’s what you’re asking.”

I shook my head. “No, I do too. That’s not what I mean. I mean, could we have really bypassed all that shit with one talk?”

“You want to know what I think, Peyt?” I nodded. “I think we shouldn’t talk about it right now. Let’s reserve this day for us, just us, and stay as blissfully happy as we can for as long as we can until we have to go back to reality. Alright?”

I just nodded in agreement, and that’s exactly what we did.

***

We basically spent the day doing very tourist-y things. We found the Full House home first and foremost, snapping tons of pictures on our cell phones and posing like goofballs out front. After that, we rode a trolley car around the city. It was a great way to see all kinds of different sites, even if I had Josh complaining in my ear the whole entire time.

We stopped at Chinatown and thought about getting some authentic Chinese food, but Josh wasn’t feeling up to it. He wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge and the Sea lions, so after browsing through a few little shops, we went to the pier and Fisherman’s Wharf.

We parked the car in an empty spot a few streets over and they headed to the pier. We saw the seals first, and Josh tried (but failed) to impersonate them. But regardless, it made me laugh. I snapped some pictures of him with the seals in the background, and then I decided it was lunch time.

“Josh, I’m going to eat my own arm pretty soon if we don’t get food,” I complained as we walked up the pier.

He laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “We’ll find something soon love, promise.”

And find something we did.

We ended up at Chowders, apparently the most famous restaurant in the area because of their clam chowder served in a huge bread bowl. Josh and I ordered a bowl of soup for each of us, and we only ended up eating about half of it. Of course, I was munching on my bowl, but regardless. We definitely did not finish.

When we felt satisfied (and like our stomachs were going to explode from eating so much), we headed to one of the visitor areas to see the bridge.

Of course, it was the afternoon, so it was rather busy. But it was also the middle of January so surprisingly there weren’t as many people as there could have been walking around. I parked the car and we walked around the visitor area, taking pictures every chance we got and being goofballs like we had been all day. We posed in stupid pictures and we acted silly. But it was the most fun I had had in a long time.

We ended up at one of the lookout points, where there were a few benches to sit on and just gaze out at the bridge. So that’s exactly what we did. We found an open bench and sat down and I guess we just reflected on the day.

“I can’t believe we’re in San Francisco,” Josh murmured into my hair while I snuggled into his side. It was rather windy and I was only wearing a t-shirt, seeing as I had left my jacket in the car, so I was cold.

I smiled at him. “I know. I just can’t believe this is where we’re at, y’know?”

I felt his laughter gently vibrate through his chest where my head rested. “I thought we weren’t going to head back to reality just yet, love.”

I smirked and looked back out at the bridge. “We’re going to have to drive back soon, Josh. I have to be back tomorrow for the interview.”

“Do we have to?” he whispered into my ear, sending shivers up my spine. I shook and laughed, moving my body into an upright position to avoid further antagonizing from Josh.

“Yes, we have to.” I stood, grabbing his hand and pulling him with me. He didn’t stop when he was standing and just kept moving so he was right against me. He pulled me into his chest and placed a kiss on my forehead.

“Alright love. Let’s go home.”

***

I guess once we were back in the car and leaving the city, it started to sink in that we were heading back to reality. The car ride back to Los Angeles was drastically different from our car ride out to San Francisco. We were quiet for most of it, only talking occasionally. Even then you could tell the tone in the car had taken on a more serious one, and it sucked. Plain and simple. If I could have re-lived the few hours where we were completely happy and didn’t have a car in the world for the rest of my life, I would have. Simple as that.

But I couldn’t re-live it, and we had to get back to our lives sooner or later.

About half way back to LA, and when I thought I was going to die if I had to endure the silence much longer, I pulled off at a rest stop so Josh and I could grab some dinner.

Neither of us spoke as I parked and we climbed out of the car. We headed into the diner wordlessly and took seats at a booth, grabbing our menus out of the holder on the table and pouring over them like our decisions were life or death.

We didn’t speak as we both ordered burgers and fries from the waitress and we didn’t speak when she walked away. We just looked at each other. Or rather, Josh looked at me while I played with the plastic menu in front of me.

“Peyton,” he said quietly, grabbing my attention but not making me look up.

“Peyton,” he tried again, but going no further than saying my name. I still didn’t look up. “We should probably talk now, yeah?”

I laughed bitterly. I wasn’t mad at him, I just... I guess I was just mad. It didn’t really make sense, but when did my emotions ever make sense? “You might as well just tell me what you wouldn’t tell me earlier,” I said quietly, taking a napkin from the dispenser before I started to rip it to pieces. I concentrated on the growing pile of white in front of me instead of Josh’s face. I had a bad feeling about all of this, and I was afraid if I looked at his face, my heart would break.

“You’re mad,” he stated after a few minutes of silence.

I shook my head. “No I’m not, I just have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach so I want you to spit out whatever you want to say before I go insane from wondering, okay?” I looked at him then and watched him nod his head.

“Its not bad, Peyton. I don’t know why you always assume the worst. I just want to talk, alright?”

I shrugged.

I heard him release a frustrated sigh, but it didn’t stop him. “I just wonder what all this means, you know? I mean, are we back on track right now? Are we happy? Or is this a fluke, a glitch of sorts. Is it not supposed to last, or what?”

“I think its whatever you want it to be, Josh. Are we back on track? Are you happy? Do you want this?” I shrugged again and looked up at him. “You know how I feel already.”

“Do I, though? Do I Peyton? Because you’re closing off right now and I fucking hate when you do this!” he hissed lowly.

I glared. “I am not, Josh. I am happy, and I do want to be back on track. And of course I fucking want this! Would I have wrote you that letter if I thought otherwise?”

I watched as he opened his mouth to say something, but stopped short. He repeated this a few times before he finally spoke up. “Then let’s try it again,” he said simply. As if that was all there was to it.

I fell back against the seat of the booth and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Is it that simple?”

“Why can’t it be?”

“Because you’re here recording and I have an interview tomorrow and I may or may not get it but even if I do get it it won’t matter because you’re going to go back to England obviously I mean you live there and I live in a whole other country so why are we even bothering I mean it sucked bad enough when it ended the first time, I honestly don’t think I could take it again.”

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was rambling, but it didn’t stop me. I just let the word vomit happen and then when it was over I had no choice but to face the mess I had just thrown at Josh.

I sighed when Josh still didn’t speak, even minutes after I had finished. “Look, let’s just forget it okay? We’ll chalk this day up to bad decisions and nostalgia and forget it ever happened and we can go back to living our lives separately. Okay?”

“No, we can’t do that. Because that’s the thing Peyton. That right there is our problem,” he admitted in frustration, crumbling up the paper from his straw in his hand and throwing it on the table.

“We can’t just chalk it up to bad decisions or nostalgia,” he continued, “because that’s not what it is. And we can’t forget it ever happened, because I don’t know about you but I know I’ve spent the past year trying to forget you and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. So what makes this time any different? I can’t just forget about you Peyton, and even if I could I wouldn’t. I don’t want to just act like we never happened, or act like you don’t exist, because the fact is you do exist and we did happen and, honestly? I don’t care what anyone says because at one point we were falling in love. Whether that means we’re in love right now or not, I don’t know. But I know it happened and I know I can’t just forget something like that. I know I don’t want to forget something like that.”

My mouth was dropped ever so slightly in shock. I couldn’t speak, let alone hardly process what Josh has just said, but I tried my hardest. “So you really want this Josh? Like, really fucking want it? Because I swear to God if you just shut down on me again and throw me out and start to hate my guts, I honestly don’t think I could take it. Like I said, it was bad the first time around but round two? I don’t think I could do that again.”

He laughed gently and reached across the table, letting his hand cover my own. “I won’t shut down Peyton, and I won’t throw you out. It goes both ways; I don’t think I could handle that a second time either.”

“This is going to be hard,” I said, vocalizing what was on both of our minds I’m sure.

He nodded. “It probably will be. But I think anything’s a piece of cake from what we’ve been doing for the past few months.”

“What about the living thing? I mean... different countries here, Josh. What are we supposed to do about that?”

He smiled. “You’ll be in LA for the next few months, right? I mean, assuming you'll get this job like I know you will. And after that, well...” he shrugged nonchalantly. “We’ll figure it out Peyton. I just know figuring living arrangements out will be a hell of a lot easier than figuring out how I’m going to forget you. And it’ll probably be easier on my liver, if I’m being honest,” he joked, trying to lighten the mood. I assumed it was because I was crying by this point. I couldn’t help it though; after the year I had, I figured I was allowed to cry during a conversation like this.

“What if we fight?” I choked out between sniffles.

He barked out a laugh. “As long as your name is Peyton and mine is Josh, we’re going to fight. We fought before though, but that didn’t stop us.”

I stopped then; I stopped trying to argue the point and I stopped thinking so hard about it. Because Josh was right. We had fallen for each other before, and we still were, so what made me think we couldn’t just... start again?

So, without another word, I got up and walked to his side of the booth and took a seat beside him. Then, placing my hands on either sides of his face while his own traveled to my hips, I kissed him.

And suddenly, nothing else mattered.