Loving Me First
This Is Not Happening
"Mariano don't smoke around her." I said as he grabbed Kaiori from me. "Girl gone somewhere you know my moms here." "Whatever Mariano you heard me." He waved me off as I finished slipping my six flags uniform shirt on. "Go yo azz to work lil girl. I got her." "Lina get out of school at four and i'll be back here at six." "Mila I know both of y'all damn schedules. I don't need it again. Stop acting like it's the first time I've watched her." "I know but it's the first time you gone have her with yo boys here." "Gone Mila before you be late for work." I Slipped on my Adidas, gave Kay Kay a kiss then raced out the door.
"Damn she act like yo lil azz ain't safe with me." Mariano said to Kay Kay. He went to his room and placed her on his bed and cut the t.v. on. "We gone have a nice day." As soon as the words left his mouth Kaiori started crying. Mariano grabbed her pacifier and stuck it in her mouth. She calmed down and fell asleep. He laid back after noticing she was asleep and did the same. He woke up to somebody banging at the front door. He grabbed Kaiori who was playing with her feet. "You's a nasty baby." He said swooping her up. He opened the door for his homeboys.
"Damn don't tell me you playing daddy already?" "Don't worry about what the fuk i'm doing."The last dude to step through the door. Mariano still didn't know that Ray was Kaiori's father. "Cute baby." He said grabbing one of her fingers. "Nigha if you don't let her finger go i'm gone break your's." Ray stepped back with his hands up. Everybody went to the room and a conversation started. "Y'all know who that baby remind me of?" One dude said. "Who Nigha?" "That chick Mila." "She show do. Her azz dropped off the map." "I heard she was pregnant." They all turned to look at Mariano. "Ain't yo sister cool with Mila?" "Don't worry about where the fuk Mila is. She ain't in yo back pocket." They all stared at him like he was crazy then he went back to the game on the t.v.
He looked at the clock and laid Kaiori on the bed. He grabbed the bag Mila left for the baby and got a bottle. "Ray hold her right quick." "Damn first it's don't touch her now it's hold her." "Shut up and hold the baby. I'd rather you hold her then any one of these nighas." "You betta be glad you my nigha talking to me like that." Ray said picking Kaiori up. Mariano left out the room. Kaiori who was getting ready to cry, looked up at Ray and smiled.
In her eyes he saw his own.The same deep gray of his own. Little Kaiori was smiling and playing with his fingers. For the first that anybody had seen Ray actually smiled. "Ray you alright dude." One of the dudes sitting in the room asked. "Don't it look like i'm cool." "I don't know man I just ain't never seen your azz smile." "And you never will." He held Kaiori at arms length and looked at her intently. A few minutes later the door came flying open with a chick yelling.
"I can't believe you didn't feed her Mariano." I said running into his room with him fast on my heels. "I did feed her before she went to sleep." I opened the door to his room and stumbled a little. Right in my face was Ray holding Kaiori like she had made a boo boo. "Why the fuk are you letting everybody hold my baby." I said grabbing her from him. Ray obviously offended stood up with his chest puffed out. "I'm not everybody." "And you shyt to me obviously." Ray looked me over before smiling then his grin dropped. "You wasn't lying hun." I knew exactly what he was talking bout but I tried at playing dumb.
"Nigha when have I called you. You must be mental or something. Mariano where is her diaper bag." "Damn Mila you done changed." Some dude across the room stated. I looked around and found the room full of dudes. Good, they didn't look high, one less thing to go off on Mariano about. "Calm the hell down Mila." "So this yo baby mama?" Another dude asked. "It's not my baby it's my god daughter." "Mila don't get distracted." Ray yelled. "I wish I could be distracted from your damn presence. But how the hell can I be distracted with you and your twin right in front of me. I wish I could say that I was distracted fourteen months ago when I let you fuk me bare back." I turned and walked out the door.
Once I got to my apartment I put Kaiori on the bed and balanced her bottle on a pillow.
I sat next to her just staring at her.
5 months ago
"Darnell I don't want Mariano looking at my cootchie." He just laughed at me. "It's not funny. You want somebody other then my gynecologist down there. He stopped laughing. "Mariano you gotta hide. Only three people suppose to be in here." It's exactly six months after I found out I was pregnant and now i'm in this room getting ready to push this baby out. Everybody who mattered was here. Except my moms. I still hadn't talked to her but Darnell said she missed me. Which I really doubt. Mariano ran into the bathroom where Jay was holding Trey. Jay handed Trey to Mariano and came out. During the last six months I've started community college and picked up another job. I've also got my own apartment even though Darnell tried to talk me out of it.
He had gotten his own apartment after finding out his main chick was pregnant and decided it was time him to settle down. He wanted me to move in with him so he'd be able to help with the baby. But I felt that it was my responsibility to take care of my baby on my own. So I told him no. "Come on Mila push." The doctor said. I squeezed on Lina and Darnell's hands as the contractions got harder. After five more pushes and my yelling Kaiori Renee Mai was here screaming as well. I’ve been in labor with this baby for eighteen hours. That was the hardest thing in my life I’ve think I’ve ever had to do. Everybody laughed. "Like mother like daughter hun.”
“It’s not funny.” I said as they handed me Kaiori. After they took her out the room my brother and Mariano came out the bathroom. “I will never watch that experience again.” Mariano said wiping his face. They laughed. I tuned out the rest of their conversation and dozed off. When I woke up they were bringing Kaiori back in. After they handed her to me I fed her then burped her. Everybody but Lina had left to go get something to eat. And Lina was laid on the couch knocked out. I had started to doze off when I heard my room door open.
I turned my head to see my mother with a bouquet and a vase. I immediately set up. She set them down and looked down at Kaiori. “Your brother called me. He said that you were very brave and strong.” “You would’ve known that if you were here and he wouldn’t have to relay anything.” “I know Mila. Believe me this has been the worst six months of my life.” “Yours. Ma you put me out when I was three months pregnant. You tried to force me to get an abortion. You hit me and you think this was hard on you. I had to do this without my mother. I couldn’t run to my mother and ask her stuff that only she knows.” Kaiori started crying obviously feeling the tension in me.
I tried to calm myself down before I picked her up. “I’ve been here Mila not in your vision but I’ve been here.” I waved her off and tried to calm Kaiori down. “Can I see her?” “Why ma? Your didn’t even want her brought into this world why would I let you hold her.” “Mila you can’t keep throwing this in my face. I made a mistake and I take responsibility for it. But she’s here and I would like to get to know her.” “Where were you when she was born ma?” “In the hallway Mila. I’ve been out there the whole eighteen hours. Yeah I counted.” Unknowingly a smile appeared on my face. I handed Kaiori over to my mother. The door opened with everybody coming in. Darnell stopped at the entrance making everyone peer around him. Kaiori had stopped crying and was now opening her eyes.
“Looks just like her mother.” My moms said handing her back to me. That was the beginning of the mending of our relationship.
Present:
Kaiori crying broke me outta my thoughts. I took the bottle out her mouth and burped her then sat her in her swing. She banged on the hard part making me laugh. “Kaiori what is wrong with you mamas?” She just smiled and kept banging. I cut her music on, pushed the swing to get it started then sat at the computer. Cutting it on I checked my facebook cut my music on then got started on my essay. I knew that with Kaiori being woke up for her nap she was gone be sleep within the next hour. She started crying right after the first paragraph as somebody banged at my door like they were the damn police. I picked her up out her swing and went to the door. “Who is it?” I yelled. No one answered. “Who is it?” Nobody answered so I went to sit down.
The knocking started again this time I didn’t answer the door. It was starting to creep me out so I called my brother who said he was on his way. But that’s like a two hour drive. Just as I started to go back to the door a bullet flew through the window making Kaiori scram louder. The glass shattered and I raced to my room as more bullets came flying. I reached under my bed where I kept the 2 .22’s my brother had given me when I moved in. I crouched in the corner covering Kaiori’s mouth. Obviously they whoever it was wanted us dead. Her cries were muffled but I could still hear her. I had to muffle my own cries in her belly.
Ten minutes after the shooting started it ended and somebody was trying to get into my apartment. I picked up one of the guns and held Kaiori to me as I scooted to the door in my room and peeked around the wall. My door was hanging off the hinges but I couldn’t see anyone. I raised the gun and aimed at the door then pulled the trigger. “MILA!” I heard my brother’s voice. “Darnell.” Then faces appeared in my doorway. I jumped out of the doorway and ran to D. “Y’all alright?” He asked checking me over. He took Kaiori from me and checked her over then held her trying to get her to stop crying. He kept an arm around me as I cried into his shirt. “This is a fukking mess.” I heard an all too familiar voice. I peeked around Darnell and saw Ray standing there with two of his homeboys.
“How the hell did he find my place?” I yelled at Darnell. “Watch yo damn tone he was here when I pulled up. Who the fuk is this nigha since he still standing here?” I didn’t answer as I glared at Ray still looking around the room. “She gone have to get up out of here.” “Aye man slow yo roll. You ain’t got shyt to do with this situation.” “I have something to do with this situation when it involves my daughter and her mother.” I dropped to the floor with my hands over my face. “Mila what the fuk is he talking about?” “I don’t know Darnell. Kaiori doesn’t have a father.” “Ah that’s insulting. As you so kindly stated if I can remember it was fourteen months ago that I slid in you bareback.” “Aye man watch what the fuk you say when you speaking to my lil sister.” “Can we please have this conversation later? Everybody really needs to get up out of here.” “We gotta wait on the pigs to get here.” Darnell said turning to me. “I thought you said Kaiori’s father didn’t want shyt to do with her?” “He didn’t D he just popped up out of nowhere today. And as for what the fuk he doing here I have no clue.” Hopping back in the conversation Ray said something that was totally unexpected. “Ah damn ma I thought I made it clear. I want my daughter. And you part of that package.”
"Damn she act like yo lil azz ain't safe with me." Mariano said to Kay Kay. He went to his room and placed her on his bed and cut the t.v. on. "We gone have a nice day." As soon as the words left his mouth Kaiori started crying. Mariano grabbed her pacifier and stuck it in her mouth. She calmed down and fell asleep. He laid back after noticing she was asleep and did the same. He woke up to somebody banging at the front door. He grabbed Kaiori who was playing with her feet. "You's a nasty baby." He said swooping her up. He opened the door for his homeboys.
"Damn don't tell me you playing daddy already?" "Don't worry about what the fuk i'm doing."The last dude to step through the door. Mariano still didn't know that Ray was Kaiori's father. "Cute baby." He said grabbing one of her fingers. "Nigha if you don't let her finger go i'm gone break your's." Ray stepped back with his hands up. Everybody went to the room and a conversation started. "Y'all know who that baby remind me of?" One dude said. "Who Nigha?" "That chick Mila." "She show do. Her azz dropped off the map." "I heard she was pregnant." They all turned to look at Mariano. "Ain't yo sister cool with Mila?" "Don't worry about where the fuk Mila is. She ain't in yo back pocket." They all stared at him like he was crazy then he went back to the game on the t.v.
He looked at the clock and laid Kaiori on the bed. He grabbed the bag Mila left for the baby and got a bottle. "Ray hold her right quick." "Damn first it's don't touch her now it's hold her." "Shut up and hold the baby. I'd rather you hold her then any one of these nighas." "You betta be glad you my nigha talking to me like that." Ray said picking Kaiori up. Mariano left out the room. Kaiori who was getting ready to cry, looked up at Ray and smiled.
In her eyes he saw his own.The same deep gray of his own. Little Kaiori was smiling and playing with his fingers. For the first that anybody had seen Ray actually smiled. "Ray you alright dude." One of the dudes sitting in the room asked. "Don't it look like i'm cool." "I don't know man I just ain't never seen your azz smile." "And you never will." He held Kaiori at arms length and looked at her intently. A few minutes later the door came flying open with a chick yelling.
"I can't believe you didn't feed her Mariano." I said running into his room with him fast on my heels. "I did feed her before she went to sleep." I opened the door to his room and stumbled a little. Right in my face was Ray holding Kaiori like she had made a boo boo. "Why the fuk are you letting everybody hold my baby." I said grabbing her from him. Ray obviously offended stood up with his chest puffed out. "I'm not everybody." "And you shyt to me obviously." Ray looked me over before smiling then his grin dropped. "You wasn't lying hun." I knew exactly what he was talking bout but I tried at playing dumb.
"Nigha when have I called you. You must be mental or something. Mariano where is her diaper bag." "Damn Mila you done changed." Some dude across the room stated. I looked around and found the room full of dudes. Good, they didn't look high, one less thing to go off on Mariano about. "Calm the hell down Mila." "So this yo baby mama?" Another dude asked. "It's not my baby it's my god daughter." "Mila don't get distracted." Ray yelled. "I wish I could be distracted from your damn presence. But how the hell can I be distracted with you and your twin right in front of me. I wish I could say that I was distracted fourteen months ago when I let you fuk me bare back." I turned and walked out the door.
Once I got to my apartment I put Kaiori on the bed and balanced her bottle on a pillow.
I sat next to her just staring at her.
5 months ago
"Darnell I don't want Mariano looking at my cootchie." He just laughed at me. "It's not funny. You want somebody other then my gynecologist down there. He stopped laughing. "Mariano you gotta hide. Only three people suppose to be in here." It's exactly six months after I found out I was pregnant and now i'm in this room getting ready to push this baby out. Everybody who mattered was here. Except my moms. I still hadn't talked to her but Darnell said she missed me. Which I really doubt. Mariano ran into the bathroom where Jay was holding Trey. Jay handed Trey to Mariano and came out. During the last six months I've started community college and picked up another job. I've also got my own apartment even though Darnell tried to talk me out of it.
He had gotten his own apartment after finding out his main chick was pregnant and decided it was time him to settle down. He wanted me to move in with him so he'd be able to help with the baby. But I felt that it was my responsibility to take care of my baby on my own. So I told him no. "Come on Mila push." The doctor said. I squeezed on Lina and Darnell's hands as the contractions got harder. After five more pushes and my yelling Kaiori Renee Mai was here screaming as well. I’ve been in labor with this baby for eighteen hours. That was the hardest thing in my life I’ve think I’ve ever had to do. Everybody laughed. "Like mother like daughter hun.”
“It’s not funny.” I said as they handed me Kaiori. After they took her out the room my brother and Mariano came out the bathroom. “I will never watch that experience again.” Mariano said wiping his face. They laughed. I tuned out the rest of their conversation and dozed off. When I woke up they were bringing Kaiori back in. After they handed her to me I fed her then burped her. Everybody but Lina had left to go get something to eat. And Lina was laid on the couch knocked out. I had started to doze off when I heard my room door open.
I turned my head to see my mother with a bouquet and a vase. I immediately set up. She set them down and looked down at Kaiori. “Your brother called me. He said that you were very brave and strong.” “You would’ve known that if you were here and he wouldn’t have to relay anything.” “I know Mila. Believe me this has been the worst six months of my life.” “Yours. Ma you put me out when I was three months pregnant. You tried to force me to get an abortion. You hit me and you think this was hard on you. I had to do this without my mother. I couldn’t run to my mother and ask her stuff that only she knows.” Kaiori started crying obviously feeling the tension in me.
I tried to calm myself down before I picked her up. “I’ve been here Mila not in your vision but I’ve been here.” I waved her off and tried to calm Kaiori down. “Can I see her?” “Why ma? Your didn’t even want her brought into this world why would I let you hold her.” “Mila you can’t keep throwing this in my face. I made a mistake and I take responsibility for it. But she’s here and I would like to get to know her.” “Where were you when she was born ma?” “In the hallway Mila. I’ve been out there the whole eighteen hours. Yeah I counted.” Unknowingly a smile appeared on my face. I handed Kaiori over to my mother. The door opened with everybody coming in. Darnell stopped at the entrance making everyone peer around him. Kaiori had stopped crying and was now opening her eyes.
“Looks just like her mother.” My moms said handing her back to me. That was the beginning of the mending of our relationship.
Present:
Kaiori crying broke me outta my thoughts. I took the bottle out her mouth and burped her then sat her in her swing. She banged on the hard part making me laugh. “Kaiori what is wrong with you mamas?” She just smiled and kept banging. I cut her music on, pushed the swing to get it started then sat at the computer. Cutting it on I checked my facebook cut my music on then got started on my essay. I knew that with Kaiori being woke up for her nap she was gone be sleep within the next hour. She started crying right after the first paragraph as somebody banged at my door like they were the damn police. I picked her up out her swing and went to the door. “Who is it?” I yelled. No one answered. “Who is it?” Nobody answered so I went to sit down.
The knocking started again this time I didn’t answer the door. It was starting to creep me out so I called my brother who said he was on his way. But that’s like a two hour drive. Just as I started to go back to the door a bullet flew through the window making Kaiori scram louder. The glass shattered and I raced to my room as more bullets came flying. I reached under my bed where I kept the 2 .22’s my brother had given me when I moved in. I crouched in the corner covering Kaiori’s mouth. Obviously they whoever it was wanted us dead. Her cries were muffled but I could still hear her. I had to muffle my own cries in her belly.
Ten minutes after the shooting started it ended and somebody was trying to get into my apartment. I picked up one of the guns and held Kaiori to me as I scooted to the door in my room and peeked around the wall. My door was hanging off the hinges but I couldn’t see anyone. I raised the gun and aimed at the door then pulled the trigger. “MILA!” I heard my brother’s voice. “Darnell.” Then faces appeared in my doorway. I jumped out of the doorway and ran to D. “Y’all alright?” He asked checking me over. He took Kaiori from me and checked her over then held her trying to get her to stop crying. He kept an arm around me as I cried into his shirt. “This is a fukking mess.” I heard an all too familiar voice. I peeked around Darnell and saw Ray standing there with two of his homeboys.
“How the hell did he find my place?” I yelled at Darnell. “Watch yo damn tone he was here when I pulled up. Who the fuk is this nigha since he still standing here?” I didn’t answer as I glared at Ray still looking around the room. “She gone have to get up out of here.” “Aye man slow yo roll. You ain’t got shyt to do with this situation.” “I have something to do with this situation when it involves my daughter and her mother.” I dropped to the floor with my hands over my face. “Mila what the fuk is he talking about?” “I don’t know Darnell. Kaiori doesn’t have a father.” “Ah that’s insulting. As you so kindly stated if I can remember it was fourteen months ago that I slid in you bareback.” “Aye man watch what the fuk you say when you speaking to my lil sister.” “Can we please have this conversation later? Everybody really needs to get up out of here.” “We gotta wait on the pigs to get here.” Darnell said turning to me. “I thought you said Kaiori’s father didn’t want shyt to do with her?” “He didn’t D he just popped up out of nowhere today. And as for what the fuk he doing here I have no clue.” Hopping back in the conversation Ray said something that was totally unexpected. “Ah damn ma I thought I made it clear. I want my daughter. And you part of that package.”