The Center

Frank:

Sebastian, who looked like a miniature Harry Potter all dressed up in his Halloween costume – as I expected – squinted through his fake specs in Alicia and Mikey’s direction before he sort of scurried over to my cousin’s boyfriend and looked up at the guy in bewilderment.

I guess because I was distracted by the little boy’s sudden interest in something other than his blanket, and someone other than me, I didn’t have the time to choke on the fact that instead of Donna Way accompanying young Sebastian tonight, Gerard was standing in my kitchen instead.

And he was wearing a cape, too.

When I did take notice of him though, it required every ounce of self-control in my body not to let my jaw rudely drop. He was the absolute last person I imagined to see here tonight!

“Hey Sebastian,” Mikey broke the silence before it could get unbearably awkward. Even so, his greeting to the boy threw my already confused head for another loop.

How the hell did he know who this kid was?

When I looked around, though, the only two other people who seemed as surprised by this was Ray and Bob - who were hiding it much better than I was.

Heck, Gerard wasn’t even freaking out that this guy knew who his kid was…

I mean, he did seem a little confused… but not upset or anything…

Why wasn’t he upset? Wouldn’t someone normally be if a stranger knew his or her four-year-old son’s first name?

Then, the next thing I know Sebastian is sitting in Mikey’s lap – contently! – and is staring up at the guy, not even giving him the blank stare that I first received, but completely acknowledging his existence!

What the fuck is going on?!

“Where’s Nana?” Mikey asked the kid.

Though it felt like I had been freaking out and left without any clues or answers for forever by this point, it had only been about a minute or so. But because Mikey asked about ‘Nana,’ I could only assume that he must be a close family friend or something in the case that he obviously knew Donna, and Sebastian obviously knew him. This also explains why Gerard wasn’t acting like a total basket case…

Like I was… For some reason…

When Sebastian didn’t answer my cousin’s boyfriend – which I happened to be thankful for at least some consistency in the child’s actions – Mikey looked up to the direction I was in. My eyes widened when I first thought he was looking at me, but I realized he was looking at Gerard instead.

“Where’s mom?” he asked before looking back down to the little boy and smiling foolishly at him as if he were a baby. Sebastian just stared back up at him in return.

Gerard cleared his throat. “They called her into work, she said something about needing to do someone’s hair last minute for a costume contest?” He replied without a doubt questioning his own mother’s excuse and whereabouts. He also still seemed to be looking at Mikey in a confused manner…

Meanwhile, I’m gasping at their conversation.

Mom?

Donna Way is both Gerard and Mikey’s mother?

Mikey is Sebastian’s uncle?

And, of course, Donna couldn’t make it tonight so she sent her son, Gerard – who hates me- in her place?

If I hadn’t put all of the alcohol away on account of Sebastian’s presence then I could have definitely used a drink right about now…

“Well, just the same, we’re glad to have you both here! Sit, Gerard, make yourself comfortable!” My mom cheerfully urged the man who had been awkwardly frozen in the entryway of the kitchen. He gave her a half smile and nodded, making his way to an empty seat that just happened to be next to me.

“Oh, and Frank, close your mouth. You look ridiculous!” She pointedly said to me, making my cheeks automatically blush. Because Sebastian’s here she said ‘ridiculous,’ but I knew she meant ‘idiot.’ I bet I did look like an idiot. I couldn’t help it though!

I suddenly felt very warm…

I was embarrassed and closed my mouth immediately, biting down on nothing to ensure that I wouldn’t sit here with a rude expression any longer. Not able to sit completely still, though, my hands started to fidget. First they made themselves into fists and then released only so I could crack each of my knuckles individually. Then I tapped a random beat on the top of the table, my foot also getting in on the action.

I don’t know why this shit is making me so nervous.

Why is this bothering me so much?

There was an awkward moment where we could only hear the cheesy music from the Halloween Kidz Bop CD being played. No one talked, we all just looked around at each other and the food on the table while my mother cleverly kept herself busy by pretending to be making something else for us to devour. Finally she turned around to all of us, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed and a forced smile on her face. Then she gave nodded her head in Sebastian’s direction while giving Alicia a pointed look. My cousin, who seemed to have been watching everyone carefully, put on an equally fake smile and turned to the boy.

“Sebastian, I really like your costume! Harry Potter is one of my favorite movies!” She said cheerfully. Mikey smiled and rubbed his nephew’s arm and bounced him once.

“Yeah, Harry Potter is really cool!” He said to the kid, who was now looking at Alicia.

There was another silence between the group of us and I couldn’t help but wonder if we would all be this uncomfortable if Donna had come over instead. It relieved me to see now that it wasn’t just me who seemed out of sorts with Gerard here.

“Mikey’s right, Harry’s awesome. Do you even have a scar?” Bob surprised me by asking. Slowly the little boy turned to his direction and stared at him for a minute, his mouth oddly pursed as if he were deciding something. Then he reached up and pushed his hair away from his forehead, revealing a drawn signature lightning bolt scar. Everyone cracked a smile at the sight of this.

“Whoah! Did your dad do that for you?” Bob asked him encouragingly. With his hand still in his hair, and his fake scar still showing, Sebastian looked at his father and then back to Bob before gently shaking his head ‘no.’

“That’s right, his Nana did it for him this morning for costume day at The Center. We played games and had treats and his group even got to listen to Miss Cora read them a spooky ghost story, right Sebastian?” Mom told us, but directed her attention to the little boy who had let his hand come back down to pick up his magic wand that sat in his orange pumpkin pale that seemed to hold nothing else in it but his trusty blanket. I smiled at the fact that he seemed to enjoy our positive commentary on his Halloween costume.

“Wow, spooky stories? Me and Frankie love spooky stories!” Ray said, looking at me and then looking back to the kid. Wand in hand, Sebastian looked in my direction almost as if to ask if my friend’s statement was true and I didn’t know what to do.

I felt… in a way, helpless. The term “charity case” was now making it’s way into my mind and repeating over and over again. I didn’t want Gerard to think that I thought of him and his son like a charity case any more than he already did. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying way too hard.

I didn’t want another fight.

“Y-yeah, we do love spooky stories… They’re… the best…” I said nervously, not wanting to be completely antisocial at my own birthday party, but also not wanting to make a big thing about it.

Everyone’s eyes were on me now, I could feel their gazes as I lowered mine to the half-eaten food on my plate. This party was already a bust and there was yet another silence filling the house other than the CD that I was beginning to hate. Part of me felt like if I left then the tension in the room wouldn’t be so thick and the other guests would stand a chance at having a good time, but I knew I couldn’t leave my own party.

Another part of me, that couldn’t be stressed enough, wished that Gerard never came. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how to act. At least if Donna were here I wouldn’t feel like I was walking around on eggshells for this guy.

But if my mom hadn’t have made up this whole party in the first place, then there wouldn’t be a problem at all and I would probably be having a good time on the couch with my friends watching cheap slasher films and filling my stomach with chocolate cake.

Quickly I grew tired of the lack of uneasy conversation and the stares of pity and confusion. I got fed up. I let out an audible sigh and got up without word, leaving the kitchen and then locked myself in the downstairs bathroom.

I snatched my mask off of my head and threw it to the ground. Then I made sure the toilet seat was down before I sat and cradled my head in my hands.

Why did every situation I was in with this man and his son turn into an utter mess?

I could faintly hear my mom ask Gerard and Sebastian if they were hungry and then she urged the group to have some of the food she slaved to make. I don’t know if they listened to her or not but eventually a quiet conversation was started and didn’t let in any hesitant pauses or silences, which lead me to believe that maybe my guests weren’t the ones with the problem.

No, I was the problem.

I was the one in here being a big baby.

Didn’t I resolve this all with myself a week or two ago? Didn’t I lift my own spirits and decide that this whole situation was silly and it wasn’t going to bother me any longer? Aren’t I now a 21-year-old man who should know how to act like an adult?

And yet, I’m locked in a bathroom, hiding from some guy all because he got mad at me once or twice in the last month.

What’s the matter with me?

I almost wanted to cry at my pathetic behavior, at my irrational and childish mindset getting the better of me.

Suddenly I heard the kitchen chairs scraping against the floor and away from the table and the word ‘games’ had been mentioned from what sounded to be from my cousin’s mouth. I groaned and dug my fingernails into my scalp for a second. Those games were the ones I intended to play with Sebastian. All I wanted was for this kid to have fun on Halloween, and for me to enjoy spending time with him, but because I just can’t seem to function like a regular human being, I’ve probably ruined everyone’s fun.

Where did the positive attitude I started out with this evening go and why does it always seem to do this when Gerard comes around?

I couldn’t really hear anyone’s voices from the kitchen any longer, so I assumed they moved to the living room to play the games in there. When I heard the music stop and laughter I knew they had decided to try to rope Sebastian into playing musical chairs.

I wanted to play, too… Who wouldn’t? Instead of stressing about nothing I wanted to go and have fun with the rest of my party guests. But I just couldn’t go back out there and act like nothing’s wrong with me, could I? I’m so embarrassed with myself, my own friends must think I really am a mental case. I know I do…

A knock at the bathroom door made me jump and sent my heart into a frenzy. I gasped and clutched my chest, that just scared the shit out of me!

“I, uh, I’ll be out in a minute!” I called out exasperatedly and ran my hands through my hair. The knocking stopped as I flushed the toilet to make it seem like I really did use it. I waited until it was done running before I got up to wash my hands. I turned both the hot and cold faucets on to make the water warm and then I lathered my hands with the pumpkin spice scented soap my mom bought. I wasted another couple of minutes just soaping and washing before I finally decided it was time to stop being impolite and let whoever needed to use the bathroom. I didn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I knew I must have just looked horrible.

I let out an shaky breath and opened the door, but when I did I automatically wanted to go back inside and lock myself in there for the rest of the night.

Leaning against the wall to my right was Gerard, waiting for me to exit with a patient look on his face. I tried my best to come up with some sort of half smile and made my way out the door saying “It’s all yours,” but before I could escape he grabbed onto my shirtsleeve.

“Hey,” He said, making me look at him now. He had his half smile on too, but he also seemed a little worried. “Are you okay?” he asked me, and it almost seemed sincere, too, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. He probably regretted bringing Sebastian over.

His question, though, sincere or not made me wince. Okay? I thought I was. But after tonight’s thoughts and emotions I knew I definitely wasn’t. Why I wasn’t okay, I honestly didn’t know. I have no clue what’s wrong with me. But I decided to lie to Gerard anyway.

I shrugged my shoulders and broadened that fake half smile I was sporting. “Yeah, sure.” I said, even though it was not very convincing. The man who stood in front of me furrowed his brow and worry was even more evident in his eyes. I tried to leave again, but his hand still held onto my shirt.

“Frank, I… I’m not mad anymore…” He said quietly but genuinely. I could tell this time because he was looking at his feet when he said it. He was being brave, coming to talk to me, but I don’t think his shy nature would ever leave him.

And even though hearing those words from Gerard was something I desperately needed to hear, I wanted to be anywhere else in the world right now. I was uncomfortable.

This verbal white flag is what I had been trying to get out of him for the past month, and finally when I’m the one who gives up he comes to me… But I can’t take it.

I don’t know what to do…

The only thing I can come up with to say is “I’m sorry.”

We stood there for a minute or two just staring at each other, trying to figure one another out. The music in the living room had been stopping and starting for a while and every time it stopped there was still that fun laughter. Now the game had ended because I heard Mikey suggest for everyone to play another. Ray then threw in the possibility of watching a movie.

Finally I looked away from Gerard. I felt ready to go back and face everyone else. Even though the whole situation has been nothing but unnerving, especially this one-on-one with Gerard, right now I felt strong enough to put on a brave face and hoped to at least enjoy the end of my birthday party.

With one glance back to the man, I softly pulled my arm out of his grasp and started for the living room. Before I got too far, though, I heard him whisper “Me too.”