Why Is This So Unbearable

I stare down at my hands, my blades aren’t long. The length of any humans fingers, they are basically fingers but instead of a pale white like the rest of my skin they are a rusted silver, and instead of soft at the touch they are sharp and cold.
I’m so scared, the last time I encountered surgery was when I was given these and now I have the chance to get them taken away and I'm not jumping for joy. What is wrong with you Gerard?
I laugh at myself.

“Baby, what are you laughing at?” I remember Franks presence
He’d long since given up questioning what happened. He knows I take a lot to talk about stuff.
But I figure this time he deserves to know, his face shows his worry.
“I’m wondering whether I’m man enough to face surgery.”
“Well your selfish then aren’t you, I only tried to kill myself here!” He says and then giggles.
My heart drops. My expression on my face must have changed as he noticed and said.
“Babe, I was kidding , I love you .”
I half smile at him.
“Why Frankie? I love you, how could you try and take you life away? Your soo amazing and have so much to give to the world!” I say as I begin to bawl my eyes out.
“Because I thought, I thought you left me.”
I look down at my feet.
I'm sick of thinking, ‘ if only he knew’ now he can know.
And he will.
But...after the operation.