Contorting, Distorting, I Am Undone

We all awoke earlier than usual this morning. This was because our slot was swapped with another group, and we were shifted to one in the afternoon instead of seven in the evening. We had to rush to get ready and make sure our gear was in order and then play right after the first band. It was an alright show, not bad but yesterday's was way better.

As soon as we finished, we signed a few shirts, took a few pictures and ran back to the busses.

"Sleep!" Travis cried, jumping onto his bed.

"Sonny, be a good sport and go sleep with Max again," Seth yawned, climbing into Sonny's bed. Sonny laughed, but complied nonetheless. I sighed, not even caring where Derek was anymore, and stretched out on my bed. I closed my eyes, spreading myself across the entire bed - not like it was that big anyway.

"Fucking tease," I heard someone mutter. I opened an eye and saw Derek climb up into his bed.

"What was that?" I asked, getting up and bracing myself for an argument.

"Nothing, go the fuck away," he mumbled, closing his eyes and getting comfortable.

"Well, that's rude!" I huffed. Weak, I know...

"Sorry," he said, not opening his eyes. What? So that was it? Why no yelling? Why no smart remarks?

"Yeah, you better be." I answered like a child. Why was I doing this? I was the one picking the fight.

"Okay, I get the point, now shut up."

"Make me," I said a little louder than necessary. He opened an eye and gave me a look.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. I frowned.

"I... Don't know." With that I crawled back into my own bed. I don't know why... I just want to yell at someone, anyone. I sighed in frustration. I'd been so happy with Ronnie... Overly happy, I hadn't shouted in like... twenty four hours. That was fucking weird.

I wanted needed to yell. With Derek, it was always yelling and then rough kissing and then more yelling... I can't believe I miss it... Right now was the first time I'd talked to him since after the show yesterday.

Too much thinking... I just closed my eyes. I'll just sleep it off, like Derek does.

Fucking Derek. He needs to get out of my head.

I took a long breath and let it out. Let the frustration melt away... Just let it all melt...

-----

"Wake up Mattie boy!" A voice yelled in my ear. I groaned and turned over. "Oh no you don't, c'mon, wake up!" I ignored the voice and the fingers gripping my arm. "If you wake up I'll give you a kiss?"

I opened my eyes and turned around to see Ronnie smiling in my face.

"Ronnie!" I smiled.

"It worked!" he laughed, giving me a quick kiss.

"What're you doing here?" I asked.

"We just got off and I'm bored. Let's go out," he said. I rolled off the bed.

"Okay, I'm getting hungry, let's go." Ronnie grabbed my hand, leading me off the bus. It felt a bit awkward holding Ronnie's hand, knowing Derek was there, but I shook off the feeling. I guess I was starting o get use to it. Ronnie and I had been going out for another two weeks; we were touring a few venues together and now in Texas. We walked out of the parking lot and went around the few shops close by.

"How about some Wendy's?" he asked. I nodded and we went in. We ate and talked. Once again, his smile grew on me. By the time we got back, my face was hurting again.

It was then I remembered how I hadn't been angry in ages. No shouting, no swearing, no threatening... I'm actually admitting... I missed verbally abusing Derek. I hadn't shouted at anyone in almost a week – a new record – yet I am not pleased.

"Ronnie, I know this will sound weird, but can I shout at you?" I asked as we swung our hands.

"What?" he laughed. "Why?"

"Because... I haven't shouted at anyone in ages and I was wondering... If you'd do me the honor?" I rephrased. He shrugged.

"You're serious?" he asked. I nodded. He looked at me for a second before shrugging. "Okay then... Go for it."

I took a deep breath and let it all out. I used every single curse word I knew, hurling all the insults at Ronnie, who looked really startled as I went on. I spent an entire minute letting it all out then I calmed down. Ronnie stared at me, shocked. I smiled and kissed his nose.

"Wow, thanks," I laughed, walking again. I felt I was dragging Ronnie, so I looked back at him. "Ronnie?"

"That was... Different," he commented quietly.

"Awe, come on, you know I didn't mean it at you, right?" He nodded. "Good. You don't know how great I feel right now," I grinned. "Come on, we're almost there." The rest of the walk back was pretty quiet.

We reached our busses and I was going to do the whole usual giving a kiss and goodnight routine, until he said something new.

"Sleep with me?"

"What?" I raised my eyebrows. The thought of sleeping with Ronnie hadn't even crossed my mind – yet.

"No, no, I mean... Sleep in our bus tonight...?" he asked. My mouth formed and o shape and I thought about it.

"You know I'd love to... But I don't think I can tonight." He frowned. This was the third time he'd asked and I'd declined.

"Okay then. We'll try some other time. Good night Matt," he said once again before giving me a kiss on the cheek. I quickly grabbed Ronnie's arm and pulled him back, giving him a proper, long kiss on the lips.

"Goodnight Ronnie," I said, stroking his cheek and walking into the bus. I felt bad for turning him down yet again, but I don't know... Something just told me not to go with him. I got cozy in my bed later that night. Sonny was spending another night with Max, so Travis and Seth were out cold, catching up on sleep. I felt so bored and awkward being up alone. There was Derek, but I can't exactly talk to him, I haven't really talked to him since we broke up.

I guess I should bore myself to sleep... Again. It's what I've been doing these past few nights.

Was this better than spending the night with Ronnie? I don't know... I just didn't feel that comfortable enough yet. On the other hand, over here I feel so lonely.

Really lonely...

I miss spending the night with Derek. Let's face it, I cannot and will not stop thinking about him, or comparing him to Ronnie. Ronnie is great and all, but it's just too... Perfect.

With Derek, I hated him and loved him at the same time, it somehow worked. Ronnie's just too perfect. Then I realized it.

"Ronnie is just too perfect," I said out loud. It all made sense.

"What does that mean?"

I looked to the side. "Derek?" I heard him shift above me. "Derek, please come down here, I really need to talk to you." After a moment of silence, he came down.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I miss you," I sighed.

"You do?" he asked. "What happened to hating me...? And me smoking and making fun of you and–"

"Yeah I don't like all that. But... I never hated it," I whispered, sitting closer to him. He didn't respond.

"What about Ronnie? You two are together twenty-four seven and always laughing–"

"I know." I interrupted. "We're always laughing and smiling. Like I just said, it's too perfect. I miss having fights. I miss insulting you," I chuckled. He smiled. "Oh and did you know your face can cramp from smiling too much?" He laughed.

"What?"

"It's true, happened to me for the past few days. Really, I haven't frowned once with Ronnie and I hate it. My face is aching Der!" I whined, as I fell back on the bed. "Make it better Der Bear," I frowned. He smiled, hesitating before leaning in and kissing me. It was a soft kiss, softer than usual. I didn't care, I missed him. I missed his taste.

I pulled away and grinned. "It haven't kissed you in ages... I miss it." He looked downwards, smiling sheepishly.

"I've... Missed you too..." he said. I gushed.

"Aw, Der Bear, now's your time to be all mushy again. Come on, you remember my lines? Make me proud, bear," I smiled, sitting up and nudging him.

"Shut the hell up," he laughed, looking away. See that? I missed that.

"I've really missed you a lot more you little shit," I said hugging him. I leaned over too much that we fell on the floor, stifling our laughs so we wouldn't wake up Seth and Travis. I sighed, lying on top of Derek, resting my head on his chest.

"I can hear your heart beating," I murmured. He slowly slipped his hand in mine and I closed my eyes.

I've never felt so comfortable in my life.