Endlessly

I’ve been in Santa Monica for a month now. I’ve just been doing nothing, basically. Just walking around, running around, just hanging out. I’ve been spending time with Tristan and Stephanie lately which was awesome. I didn’t wanna go back to school, because honestly? I didn’t really feel the need to. I’d just take over the company with my brother, and tada! Everything will be good and okay.

“Hazelyn Mae, is that you?” I heard from behind me as I was walking around the Santa Monica pier.

I grimaced. “Trisha,” I greeted. “Long time no see,” I said as she came towards me.

She immediately hugged me. “I’m so sorry, Hazelyn. You guys left right after graduation, I didn’t get a chance to apologize to you, and I didn’t know where you went off to for college,” she said and pulled away from me. “You did so much for me and I paid you back by being a bitch,” she frowned.

I smiled lightly at her. “I was never one to hold grudges, it’s okay,” I smiled at her.

“Are you free? Do you wanna hang out and catch up?” she asked me.

“Yeah, I’m free,” I smiled.

“Okay, hold on though, I need to tell my company that I’ll be ditching them for a bit,” she chuckled and lead me to a small group of 4 other people. “Hey guys, this is Hazelyn,” she introduced. They all introduced themselves and shook my hand. “She went to my old high school, do you guys mind if I hang out with her and catch up for a bit?” she asked them. There were a chorus of ‘no’s and ‘naah, go ahead’s. “I’ll call you guys later,” she said and walked up to one of the guys, and kissed him on the lips, before grabbing my arm and dragging me towards on one of the restaurants.

“So, that was your boyfriend?” I asked her, as we got our drinks. She blushed and looked down, nodding. “How long?” I asked her.

“A year now,” she grinned at me.

“Nice,” I nodded.

We continued our conversation, reminiscing about senior year, and whatnot. She asked about school, and I told her where I went off to and all that jazz. Then our conversation lead to a topic I dreaded that would come up.

“How are you and Ryan?” she winked at me.

I frowned instantly. “We’re not together anymore,” I said lowly.

She spit out all the liquid that was in her mouth, but luckily the focus of it missed me by a few inches, sending only a small amount of drops on my face. “Sorry,” she muttered. I wiped the drops away and grimaced. “What? Impossible,” she said.

“Well, it is, because it’s true,” I frowned.

“I thought you guys were married already or something!” she said. I laughed lightly. “Not even lying! The way that he treats you, the way he looks at you, why?!” she shrieked, making everyone look at us.

“He grew tired of me,” I smiled lightly. “But it’s okay, he’s happy now, I can’t get in the way of that.”

She stood up and make her way over to me on the other side of the table. “I’m so sorry Hazelyn,” she said and hugged me. I pat her back.

“it’s okay Trish, I don’t need sympathy. I’m fine, we’re fine. He’s great. You just move the hell on,” I shrugged.

Total lie.



One night, there was a thunderstorm. I was scared shitless, but the feeling of me missing Ryan’s arms protectively around me distracted me from the storm. I was crying a river, and it drove me insane. I had to call my brother over, and I made up the excuse – ‘the thunderstorm scares me’ – to keep him from finding out the real story behind the tears I shed.

Drinking. That’s what I leaned towards. I got drunk almost every single night, just so I don’t have to deal with the pain. It helped me forget about whatever the fuck was happening in my life at that moment and just did whatever the hell I want. Though, I always did stay home, just for safety.

Cutting. I also leaned towards that so that I’d have something to physically let out the pain. You hurt so deep inside, that you need to let it out, but you just can’t, because you can’t feel it physically. Well, cutting helped that. It was a good thing it was winter, because my brother would’ve wondered why I would always wear a hoodie if it was summer.

I was starting to have thoughts about trying out drugs, but it just wasn’t going to do me any good. Even though I was barely careful of my actions anymore, I still swore to not get any drugs in my system.

Another two weeks, I’ve been basically just at home. Stephanie and Tristan would visit, but they wouldn’t make it past the door. One day though, some friends visited me.

“Hazelyn!” I heard from outside the door one morning.

“Bloody hell, who in their right minds would wake me up?!” I asked the rest of the house as I strutted down the stairs carefully, because of my hangover. More pounding on the front door. “Will you calm your balls?!” I shouted, which I immediately regretted, because of the excruciating pain. I finally made it to the door, and opened it.

“Hazelyn?” I heard Scotty’s voice say.

“Come in,” I said standing aside, and letting them in.

It was Scotty, Luke, Jack, Kyle and Samantha. I closed the door behind them. I turned my attention to them, and they were just staring at me, mouth agape. “What happened to you?” Kyle asked, almost in tears.

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “Nice to see you too,” I smirked at them. “Anything to drink? There’s only water,” I said walking into the kitchen. They all followed me. “And basically every alcoholic drink ever made upstairs,” I shrugged, trying to make a joke.

“Do you eat?” Scotty asked me.

“I don’t really know,” I admitted.

“When was the last time you ate?” Luke asked, worriedly.

I thought about it. “Like, what kind of eating?” I asked.

“Like, actual food,” Jack said.

“Uhh, two weeks ago?”

“What have you been doing?!” Samantha shrieked. “You look like a living skeleton! Have you seen your eyes! They’re bloodshot red! And your hair! It looks as if you touch it, it would break! Same goes for your body! And ugh! What’s that bloody smell?! Have you been drinking?!” she shrieked at me.

Kyle simply walked over to me and grabbed my wrist, and I immediately flinched, when he touched my raw cut. “Shower, now,” was all he said, and I immediately nodded and made my way to take a shower.

I came out about 20 minutes later, and as I walked into the living room, and I wanted to go run and hide.

My brother.

He walked towards me and grabbed both my wrists. I closed my eyes as he put them down.

“You, come with me,” he said to Scotty. “All you, stay here, and take care of my sister,” he said, “make sure she eats, she drinks her vitamins, and do not dare let any alcohol into her system,” he sneered before he and Lago walked out the door.