Endlessly

“Audrey? What are you doing here?” Ryan asked.

“I needed to talk to you,” she said, stepping from behind the counter, making my eyes bug out. Fuck. Ryan flinched and stepped back, almost stepping on my toe. He just nodded and walked towards the back, still holding my hand. “I said I needed to talk to you,” Audrey sneered, glaring at me.

“You need to talk? Talk right here, right now, she does not need to leave,” Ryan said.

“Fine,” Audrey hissed, and took a deep breath. “Ryan, I’m pregnant and she’s yours,” she said. My world stopped, and my heart stopped, my stomach sank. I wasn’t about to black out.

I looked up at Ryan, and I looked at her belly. Tears were threatening to burst out, and I did what I was best at. I ran. I heard Ryan calling after me, I heard him shouting for me, but nothing. I didn’t stop, I ran, got into a cab and ran to where I knew nobody could find me. Gabriel.

“Gab!” I pounded at the door. “Gab!” I sobbed.

“Hazelyn, why are you crying?!” he asked.

“Ry-Ry-Ryan,” I sobbed onto him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me inside.

“What happened? You guys just got engaged, you guys were so happy a week ago!” he said very confused.

“I know, bu-but, he got a girl pregnant,” I sobbed harder.

“You’re kidding. As much as I hate the guy, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to you. I saw the way he looked at you at that party, he-,” he sighed and just let me cry. Gabriel called up half my friends. Kyle, Luke, Jack, Scotty, Samantha and Kyle, my brother, and Stephanie. We were all stuffed in Gabriel’s little apartment, and they were full of fury and pity.

Even Luke looked menacing. That’s Luke we’re talking about. Cute and Adorable Luke. Samantha and Stephanie whispered to me, trying to sooth me and calm me down, but nothing seemed to work. I finally calmed though, after 3 hours of crying. It was probably because I ran out of tears to cry.

“What are you gonna do?” Tristan asked me, his voice stiff.

“I don’t know, but please do me a favor guys, don’t tell anybody else. It wasn’t Ryan’s fault. He didn’t know. And we were already over at that time probably,” I said.

“That’s not the point!” Tristan finally yelled.

“It is, T. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I can’t, I can’t do it to him, and I know he’s devastated right now, and just please promise me you won’t do anything to harm him, just leave him alone,” I pleaded to all of them. “Promise me guys,” I pleaded at all of them until I heard their promises. “Thanks,” I smiled weakly.

“So, what are you gonna do now?” Stephanie asked me.

“I guess what I’m good at. Packing up and leaving. I can’t do this anymore. I know you guys don’t approve of me leaving when I can’t handle something, but right now, I hope you understand that I just can’t do anything to change it. The child’s there, and it’s his,” I said quietly. “I’ll be back and I’ll settle things when I’m ready but right now, I need space,” I said.

I expected them to shout at me and tell me to face my fears, but they nodded and all gave me a hug. “I have one more thing to ask from you,” I said to him. “Well, Samantha, Kyle, Luke, and Gab, would you guys, uhm.. come with me?” I asked. They looked astonished. “I don’t think that I can do this alone, and I’m pretty sure that Stephanie’s easy to track, specially by his brother, my brother has the business to take care of, Jack and Scotty, you guys have training, and if I take all three of you, Ryan would suspect where I am, and because you guys are pretty much always on sports news,

“Of course,” they said as they all gave me a hug, telling me that they’ll be there every step of the way. They didn’t tell me everything will be okay, because we all knew it wasn’t. At least for me it wouldn’t be.

We went back to my house and packed because we were leaving first thing in the morning. It was around midnight already and I was tired. I felt dead. I felt lifeless. I felt like a zombie. Just like last time. But now it was worse. I was numb. I thought I had him but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Luke, Samantha and Kyle were with me, since Gabriel still had to pack. I told him he didn’t need to, and we can just start anew at our destination but he said there were important stuff he wanted to take with him. Luke opened the door, and thankfully Ryan wasn’t there. I was half expecting him to be there, and tell me everything was a lie. But he wasn’t, making my heart sink all the more.

First thing in the morning, my bags were packed. Everything was packed. My friends were all in the house, ready to escort me and my other loyal friends to the airport. I looked back at my now empty bedroom, except for the furniture- and thought of the past 3 years that I had spent in there. From getting almost raped by Gabriel, to waking up next to Ryan, to cuddling with him, to when he proposed to me. I smiled lightly, and closed the door, holding back the tears.

I walked down the stairs with the last of my stuff, which Scotty immediately took from me and put into the trunk of my Rover. I looked around at the house, remembering the day that I first walked in here. I wouldn’t have imagined that I would’ve been engaged as a teenager. I wouldn’t have thought that I’d be where I am now. The past three years just seemed to flash by right before my eyes, and now I’m here, breaking down because of all the pain.

“Ready?” Gabriel asked softly. I nodded, blinking away the tears as I exited my house. The place I called home for the past- worst and best- 3 years of my life. Everyone was watching from their cars as I shut the door behind me and was about to get into the car, but I heard a car screech into a stop and before I opened the door, I was pulled away from it.

“Baby,” I heard his voice. I shut my eyes, hoping the tears wouldn’t come out. When I was confident enough, I looked at him with a smile. He looked like shit.

“Ryan,” I said, surprisingly, my voice was clear and stern, nothing like how I felt inside.

“Please don’t leave me baby,” he begged.

I smiled at him, and held his face. “Ryan, I have to leave. I love you, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s best. But I’m not selfish enough to hold back the right of that child for a father. I will not stand here and pretend that my husband has a child with another woman. I won’t let the child grow up hating me, thinking that I deprived her from her family. I’m not that selfish Ryan, and as much as I’d want to be because I want you so much, I can’t. It contradicts against my principles.

“I love you, and I always will. But right now, I need to find out what I’m going to do with myself. I need to find that independence again. I’ve depended on you for too long, and I guess I lost my backbone,” I chuckled. “I need to find me again, I need to find who I am without you,” I said sadly. “But don’t worry. I’ll always be your bestfriend. I’m sorry I’m selfish that I can’t be here for you through the whole thing, but I will be back. I just hope you understand that I need this because if I don’t leave now, I might be the homewrecker, and I can’t do that. Not to an innocent child,” I said shaking my head.

“Promise me though, that you’ll try and love this child of yours, and for you to always remember me. Remember our good times, remember our friendship. How we were bestfriends. How we are bestfriends. E-mail me anytime. I don’t know if I’d be able to respond, but let me know what’s going on. I’ll be sending subtle messages through your sister, and you’ll know they’re from me. We never know what might happen in the future, but I will promise you, and tell you for the last time that I will be back. I’ll be back when I’m stronger, when I know I won’t break down and beg for you, and won’t be as childish as I am now,” I smiled at him. “I love you Ry, always have always will, that I can assure you,” I smiled before I reached up to my tip toes and kissed his lips lightly. I smiled before getting into the silent car, driving away from my old life.

Away from Ryan. I didn’t even bother looking back. Always and Forever, that’s what he said to me. He lied, and I believed. I shook my head at my stupidness.

We’re back to strangers again, and that’ not an overstatement. Because the truth is, we’re back to Square One.