Torn

I didn’t know what to think. I have a PENIS! That thing that guys have instead of a vagina. I couldn’t believe this. So, I pinched myself. I looked down. Nope, still there. I was so engrossed with staring down there, that I didn’t realize there was someone sleeping next to me… and they had boobs.

“Mmmm…. good morning sweetie. That was great last night.” The mysterious woman purred.

“Yeah, it was.” I said.

I had no clue what to do. My hands were around her body, hands that were covered in tattoos. I got up towards the bathroom.

“Where are you going honey? Come back.”

“Just going to the bathroom. I need to take a piss.”

I look in the mirror and nearly choke. I was staring at the face of Billie Joe Armstrong. This cannot be. I wonder if he is in turn in my body.

Billie Joe’s p.o.v.

I had the most amazing night with Adrienne. We had the best sex in the world. Okay, not yet ranking in my top three, but close enough. God, I love her. I opened my eyes to a rather discomforting sight, and the most unusual feeling. Instead of my beautiful wife, I am confronted with the sight of a purple wall, surrounded by pictures of people I do not know. Wait, I do know one person. It’s that girl that punched me!!!

And I have this rather odd sensation between my legs. I look down. I am not confronted with my penis, but rather, a vagina. I push myself out of bed and in front of the full length mirror next to the bed. I gasp. I am that girl that punched me. Maybe now I can find out why she hates me so much.

Not knowing what to do, I do the next thing that makes sense: I call my phone. Someone picks up on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Jacob? It’s um….. nvrmd. May I speak to Billie Joe?”

“Um, mommy and daddy are still sleeping. Wait, I hear daddy. Hold on.”

I hear a knock on a door and a hoarse voice asking what Jacob wants and then…

“Hello?” My own voice said.

“Hi, uh…. I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re in my body.”

“Yeah, I know. What are we going to do about it? Oh yeah, can you die in a hole after this is all over by the way?”

“I don’t know what we’re going to do about it, and why do you hate me so much?”

“Well, you are the cause for my brother killing himself, so yeah. Anyways, pretend to be sick. Cause you have school today. Oh, since we’re trying to figure this out, can I take your car to my house to meet you????”

“Wait, school as in college or high school?”

“High school, duh. I’m 17. And oh yeah, I don’t have a driver’s license, but I know how to drive.”

“Don’t drive my car!!!”

“No way. I’m you for now and I won’t damage your car. And what am I supposed to say to your wife? You evidently had sex, so what should I do???? And who was that who just gave me the phone? I don’t know anything about you. Like, what’s your wife’s name and everything.”

“You don’t know that? Well, my wife’s name is Adrienne, or 80, and that was Jacob, the youngest and there is Joey, the oldest. Just tell her that you have to go do something for Mike and you’ll be back in like, a few hours.”

“Okay. Fine. Any particular way you want to be dressed today? Cause if not, I’m totally dressing you up today.”

“Oh no, don’t go crazy. Please????? It’ll make people suspicious.”

“Fine, but you owe me for this one. You have such a girlish figure.”

As we said our goodbyes, I realized that our conversation seemed almost normal. No hurtful comments or anything. Maybe that’s an improvement.