I Never Meant to Start a War

I couldn’t say that I didn’t expect it, but I also couldn’t say that I expected it. A kiss from Paul was something I had considered as a possibility back when he imprinted on me, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to hold back forever. I had already observed that they had a sort of need or want to touch their imprint, to know they’re there. I suppose this is what those feelings ended up progressing to.

And yet, at the same time, I had let myself believe that he wouldn’t let himself give into those temptations because he knew who loved me, and who I loved. I thought that would push him away. I let myself believe one of the many lies I told.

The kiss wasn’t as much of a surprise as my reaction—I kissed him back.

I lost myself in it, and I couldn’t believe it. I pulled myself closer to his lips as Paul moved me closer to his body, smiling slightly against my lips as it deepened to something that Jasper and I had only taken that far once before, and yet, I wasn’t afraid with Paul. I trusted him unconditionally from this spot in his arms, kissing him without a care in the world, without seeming to realize that I had a boyfriend that I loved and that I wasn’t just betraying one person right now—I was betraying an entire family.

I didn’t think about those things when I kissed Paul. I thought about Paul when I kissed Paul. I didn’t think about the outside world or the people that would see us or the people I was letting down, I actually could enjoy it. I could let my body go and instead live in my soul.

And I . . . I loved it.

I loved the feeling of being free enough to fly, like I was now. The rain showering down around us was just a backdrop to this new discovery, this discovery of the world that belonged to us. We found out that neither of us wanted to leave this world.

We eventually did, just because we knew we couldn’t stay forever. When I opened my eyes and saw Paul’s already looking at me with a small happy smile and joy in his eyes, I wondered what I was showing in mine.

He ran his thumb over my lips, and my mind began to come to the realization I had pushed so far out of my mind that it seemed impossible.

I could not be falling in love with this man.

But I was. And I didn’t know if there was any use to deny it any longer—he had to see it right now, in my eyes, and Edward would know about it sooner rather than later, in my heart. Despite everything I had tried to do otherwise, I had fallen head over heels in love with Paul Geyer. And it didn’t seem that bad anymore.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. I glanced up at him to see that it was raining harder, the perfect moment for this romantic realization, and the rain had soaked his hair, making it fall into his face and outline his eyes. I felt my hair laying flat and the drops rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t do anything other than look into his eyes.

Eventually, I felt myself smile, and I looked down, blushing.

I saw him smile wide before he put his fingers under my chin to coax my head up. He looked in my eyes for a long moment before he laid his forehead against mine, both of our eyes closing as we relied on feeling each other breathing. I was sure that he was smiling, and what scared me was that I was, too.

In the long moment that we sat like that in the pouring rain, I didn’t think once about Jasper and what was waiting for me at home.

~*~

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that the fantasy world that Paul and I had built up brick by brick wouldn’t follow me back to Forks.

The thoughts and memories of what I had done came back and hit me hard, and as I ran my hands through my hair, my skin still flushed from the heat of the shower, I found myself thinking about it in a constant mantra of disbelief and confusion. How had I so easily let my guard down? What was I going to do?

My heart told me one thing, while my mind told me something entirely different. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I knew there was only one person I could ask.

I reached over and grabbed my phone off of my bed, knowing that Jasper was on his way and I only had moments to spare. I dialed the number of my best friend—the only person I thought could answer me with complete honesty.

It rang twice.

“Hello?” Bella’s voice rang out, and in moments I was murmuring the words I needed confirmed.

“Is it that Alice is seeing something that is making them uneasy, or that they are uneasy because Alice can’t see anything?”

Bella was silent for one long, shocked moment. “Edward’s here—”

“It doesn’t matter,” I stammered. “He knows.”

She gasped, and I was sure her head snapped to her boyfriend. I couldn’t even imagine the sour expression on his face that must have come with him knowing Bella was keeping such a valuable secret from him, one that could tear his family apart.

I didn’t wait for her to recover. I immediately exclaimed, “Bella!”

A long pause.

A soft whisper: “Alice can’t see anything.”

I hung up the phone and sunk down to my knees uneasily, running both of my hands though my soaked hair. It wasn’t a feeling I could explain, the one where I knew the world was crashing down around me and all I could do was watch. It was helpless, and it was guilty, because I knew that the only key player that was making this all happen was me. If I hadn’t have done this, that wouldn’t have happened, and then it wouldn’t have gone wrong. I felt so sick to my stomach to know that it was my choice to make or break everything.

Before I had quite enough time to prepare myself, Jasper’s voice was coming from the window.

“Marie?” he asked a little frantically, appearing on the ground beside me. He gently tugged on my hands to free them from my hair, his honey eyes searching my face desperately. “What’s wrong?” He touched my cheek so tenderly that it was all the control I had not to flinch away.

How could he deserve such a monster?

I tried to smile, but I didn’t know how distorted it looked on my face. “I’m fine, Jazz,” I whispered as I reached out to touch his face. “Just a little tired.”

“Go to sleep, then, Marie, you’ve had a long day,” Jasper cooed to me as he pulled me into his chilled arms, pressing a kiss into my hair and smelling nothing of the werewolf scent I had long since washed off. When he held me like this and listened to my heartbeat, I wondered vaguely if he thought about the implications as to why I have vanished from the future. He must believe that I was long gone, that I had been lost too soon, before he could save me, and I wondered how much that scared him. I wondered how much I was feeding to that fear just by solidifying my future with my love for Paul.

And I finally understood it all.

Jasper started to run his fingers through my hair, and I tried to breathe against his neck. He moved only to kiss my forehead, a content expression on his face.

“Tonight is the night I am going to be instructing the wolves and my family about the newborn techniques and mannerisms,” he told me in a soft murmur. “I was wondering if you would want to join me, but you seem tired.”

I thought about the wolves and the vampires looming on two different sides of an imaginary line, eyes distrustful and lips pulled back into a prolonged snarl, prepared to attack if one thing went wrong . . .

I no longer felt nearly as tired, and I looked up at Jasper. He was still looking at me, and he smiled when our eyes met. I was knocked momentarily breathless.

Would I be able to trust Paul to keep his temper when Jasper was only a second away?

I wasn’t sure.

More so yet: Would I be able to trust myself with the knowledge that something so easily could pull away the balance in just a crooked world?

“I’ll join you,” I told him, and he nodded.

He saw me staring a little unnervingly and beamed, leaning down only to pull me into a perfect kiss that was soft, innocent, peaceful, loving, everything that shined in his eyes. I should have treasured a kiss like this.

Instead, I felt it cutting the chords that held everything that made sense in the world, and now, I was floating away.