I Never Meant to Start a War
Fear
Jasper and I shared a relationship that some couldn’t comprehend its ideals. He felt assurance when he touched me, and me him, but we didn’t have a relationship based around the craving of touch. It was more of an emotional bond, a craving of the other’s presence rather than the simplicity of the touch. With him close by, I could rest easy that I was finally at peace, and he could feel assured that I was still well. Our relationship was one that some couldn’t begin to comprehend.
Bella tried to, on occasion, but especially as of late she was too blinded by the physical want to touch that of her lover that she was a bit biased in her opinion. Edward commended us on the strong bond but only understood it through the logic of our thoughts. I don’t think he could explain it with any more precision than I had.
It was enough to explain moments like now, where we laid on my bed in the dead of night, our eyes closed as we listened to the lone beating of my heart, but our breathing was still in sync although one of us didn’t need the reminder of the movement of my blood. We were close, but we were not touching. I could feel the chill of his skin and he could feel the heat of mine but they didn’t touch in the small space in between them, and neither of us moved to close the distance. The beating of my heart was the only thing to sooth us both.
I could hear the ticking on the grandfather clock downstairs in the living room, and the branches of trees scraping against the façade of the building. The smallest sound echoed in the silence but I felt that I enjoyed it. I needed peace every once in a while.
Jasper’s voice was a soft whisper, “What are you thinking about?”
“Peace,” I responded in the same tone. “I find it amazing that you can only feel it when you take the time to.”
“I agree.”
And we lapsed back into silence.
This was one of the things that Bella didn’t understand, and Emmett thought he were crazy for—we didn’t need to touch and I didn’t crave him to hold me in his arms when I slept. I could breathe happily with him breathing beside me. They were both so used to the physical touch, but I wasn’t.
I couldn’t explain it.
I feel asleep to that reassurance.
~*~
My parents work on Saturday, so Jasper accompanied me downstairs. He watched me from a spot at the table as I skipped around the kitchen in my pajama pants and tank top, his eyes watching me as I pulled open cabinets and tugged things free of the refrigerator until I finally decided on something to make. I glanced over at him to see a bright smile on his face.
“What?” I asked with a smile, and he just shook his head as his eyes lit up.
“Nothing,” he whispered. He sat back in the chair but I didn’t continue, just stood and stared into his eyes. I could always read him that way, almost in the same way that he could read everyone without meaning to. I could see the emotions he exclusively held splayed out across his eyes and read them all with ease. Love. Curiosity. Fondness. But there was a bit of something darker, under the surface—fear?
I frowned.
And he noticed. He glanced away from me in enough time to compose himself, and when he looked back a split second later, the darkness beneath was hidden under all of the better, lighter emotions. But he wasn’t fooling me.
“What was that?” I asked him, but he decided it was best to play dumb.
“What?”
“That emotion.”
“Which one, darling?”
I didn’t want to give up, so I moved toward him and perched myself on his legs, looking into his eyes, which had naturally softened with my closeness. I reached out and touched his arm.
“Was that fear?” I asked in a low voice, hardly being able to hear my own voice. A flicker of emotions flitted by his eyes quickly, but I caught it because I knew what I was looking for. It had been fear. And he showed a reluctance in going into it further.
I reached out to touch his face but his fingers captured mine before they could, bringing them back down to the chair arm. He sighed deeply and forced a smile.
“Don’t worry about it, Marie,” Jasper said, and I wanted not to, I really did. But the strangled fear and pain in the undertone of his speech stopped me. I felt my eyes flash as I nodded and got back to my feet, but I knew I wouldn’t forget this moment. And he knew I wasn’t going to forget, either.
~*~
Bella and I were sitting alone in her bedroom, her father at work and Edward with Jasper as they hunted far from town. We were silent as we finished homework that had been assigned yesterday, and I played with the idea of bringing up the emotional change in Jasper with her. I toyed with what her responses would be, and I eventually couldn’t take the silence. I placed my pencil down with a sigh as I looked up at the only person I had ever been close enough to call my best friend, and she glanced up curiously.
“I need to talk to you,” I announced obviously, sure that she had picked up that hint with the heavy sigh. She nodded slowly and set down her pencil as well, pushing away her Calculus book. I pushed away my Chemistry work and ran a hand through my hair, not knowing where to begin.
So Bella did: “Is it about Jasper?”
I sent her a distressed look.
“So that’s a yes?”
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. He’s getting—he’s acting—his emotional balance is starting to seem stranger than usual. It’s like there is something wrong but he doesn’t want to tell me.”
Bella looked like she had swallowed a lemon, and my stomach felt as though all of my body heat had moved to it. I felt myself turn bright red as I stared at her accusingly.
“What does everyone know that I don’t?” I demanded, all homework forgotten. She bit her lip and glanced over at the window, as if to make sure Edward wasn’t perched precariously outside of it, listening intently to our conversation. I didn’t point out that if he couldn’t have heard it normally, he more than likely would be listening to it through my thought process.
“Alice is seeing some things in the future that’s worrying him,” Bella said, but I didn’t like how cryptic she was being. “Honestly, Marie, that’s all I know. That’s all they trusted me with, probably because they knew I was going to tell you some of it.”
She relinquished a smile, but I was too deep in thought to return it. So Jasper was afraid of something that Alice saw? What could she have seen?
“In other news,” Bella said, moving back to the homework as if the tension I felt wasn’t thick in the air. I always was amazed by how hard she tried to come off as ignorant, like nothing could touch her, when she really just didn’t want people to dwell on the things making them feel tense or awkward. I always admired her tactics. “I was wondering if you wanted to go down to La Push with me sometime.”
I scrunched my nose. Her method had worked, because Jasper’s fear shrank in comparison to what she was saying.
“To the werewolf territory?” I asked her.
“Oh come on!” she exclaimed. “They’re not that bad! You’re just biased!”
“A little.”
She glanced over at me. “I’m not going to make you. I was just wondering.”
“Edward and Jasper will never let us set foot on wolf territory,” I reminded her. “You know that.”
“Edward is trying not to be prejudice. So you don’t know that.”
“Jasper has not agreed to try to look at them on equal footing, so there is no way that he would let me go over with you.”
“I wouldn’t count you out that quickly either.” She rolled her eyes. “He would probably let you if you asked. The thing is, you never ask for anything.”
“Because I don’t need anything. I have all I need here in Forks.”
“It’s just one visit. Just to keep me company.”
“Fine, fine!” I threw my hands up. “I’ll ask! But when I call you to say that he said no, don’t be surprised!”
But there was something more to that conversation I didn’t notice until later—the way neither of us thought of the obvious. The thought of what could obviously happen in a moment I didn’t think of until too long later. I didn’t think of it until it was way too late, even if it should have been the first thing, even if it was the most important.
Even if it had the power to destroy everything we had built.
Bella tried to, on occasion, but especially as of late she was too blinded by the physical want to touch that of her lover that she was a bit biased in her opinion. Edward commended us on the strong bond but only understood it through the logic of our thoughts. I don’t think he could explain it with any more precision than I had.
It was enough to explain moments like now, where we laid on my bed in the dead of night, our eyes closed as we listened to the lone beating of my heart, but our breathing was still in sync although one of us didn’t need the reminder of the movement of my blood. We were close, but we were not touching. I could feel the chill of his skin and he could feel the heat of mine but they didn’t touch in the small space in between them, and neither of us moved to close the distance. The beating of my heart was the only thing to sooth us both.
I could hear the ticking on the grandfather clock downstairs in the living room, and the branches of trees scraping against the façade of the building. The smallest sound echoed in the silence but I felt that I enjoyed it. I needed peace every once in a while.
Jasper’s voice was a soft whisper, “What are you thinking about?”
“Peace,” I responded in the same tone. “I find it amazing that you can only feel it when you take the time to.”
“I agree.”
And we lapsed back into silence.
This was one of the things that Bella didn’t understand, and Emmett thought he were crazy for—we didn’t need to touch and I didn’t crave him to hold me in his arms when I slept. I could breathe happily with him breathing beside me. They were both so used to the physical touch, but I wasn’t.
I couldn’t explain it.
I feel asleep to that reassurance.
~*~
My parents work on Saturday, so Jasper accompanied me downstairs. He watched me from a spot at the table as I skipped around the kitchen in my pajama pants and tank top, his eyes watching me as I pulled open cabinets and tugged things free of the refrigerator until I finally decided on something to make. I glanced over at him to see a bright smile on his face.
“What?” I asked with a smile, and he just shook his head as his eyes lit up.
“Nothing,” he whispered. He sat back in the chair but I didn’t continue, just stood and stared into his eyes. I could always read him that way, almost in the same way that he could read everyone without meaning to. I could see the emotions he exclusively held splayed out across his eyes and read them all with ease. Love. Curiosity. Fondness. But there was a bit of something darker, under the surface—fear?
I frowned.
And he noticed. He glanced away from me in enough time to compose himself, and when he looked back a split second later, the darkness beneath was hidden under all of the better, lighter emotions. But he wasn’t fooling me.
“What was that?” I asked him, but he decided it was best to play dumb.
“What?”
“That emotion.”
“Which one, darling?”
I didn’t want to give up, so I moved toward him and perched myself on his legs, looking into his eyes, which had naturally softened with my closeness. I reached out and touched his arm.
“Was that fear?” I asked in a low voice, hardly being able to hear my own voice. A flicker of emotions flitted by his eyes quickly, but I caught it because I knew what I was looking for. It had been fear. And he showed a reluctance in going into it further.
I reached out to touch his face but his fingers captured mine before they could, bringing them back down to the chair arm. He sighed deeply and forced a smile.
“Don’t worry about it, Marie,” Jasper said, and I wanted not to, I really did. But the strangled fear and pain in the undertone of his speech stopped me. I felt my eyes flash as I nodded and got back to my feet, but I knew I wouldn’t forget this moment. And he knew I wasn’t going to forget, either.
~*~
Bella and I were sitting alone in her bedroom, her father at work and Edward with Jasper as they hunted far from town. We were silent as we finished homework that had been assigned yesterday, and I played with the idea of bringing up the emotional change in Jasper with her. I toyed with what her responses would be, and I eventually couldn’t take the silence. I placed my pencil down with a sigh as I looked up at the only person I had ever been close enough to call my best friend, and she glanced up curiously.
“I need to talk to you,” I announced obviously, sure that she had picked up that hint with the heavy sigh. She nodded slowly and set down her pencil as well, pushing away her Calculus book. I pushed away my Chemistry work and ran a hand through my hair, not knowing where to begin.
So Bella did: “Is it about Jasper?”
I sent her a distressed look.
“So that’s a yes?”
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. He’s getting—he’s acting—his emotional balance is starting to seem stranger than usual. It’s like there is something wrong but he doesn’t want to tell me.”
Bella looked like she had swallowed a lemon, and my stomach felt as though all of my body heat had moved to it. I felt myself turn bright red as I stared at her accusingly.
“What does everyone know that I don’t?” I demanded, all homework forgotten. She bit her lip and glanced over at the window, as if to make sure Edward wasn’t perched precariously outside of it, listening intently to our conversation. I didn’t point out that if he couldn’t have heard it normally, he more than likely would be listening to it through my thought process.
“Alice is seeing some things in the future that’s worrying him,” Bella said, but I didn’t like how cryptic she was being. “Honestly, Marie, that’s all I know. That’s all they trusted me with, probably because they knew I was going to tell you some of it.”
She relinquished a smile, but I was too deep in thought to return it. So Jasper was afraid of something that Alice saw? What could she have seen?
“In other news,” Bella said, moving back to the homework as if the tension I felt wasn’t thick in the air. I always was amazed by how hard she tried to come off as ignorant, like nothing could touch her, when she really just didn’t want people to dwell on the things making them feel tense or awkward. I always admired her tactics. “I was wondering if you wanted to go down to La Push with me sometime.”
I scrunched my nose. Her method had worked, because Jasper’s fear shrank in comparison to what she was saying.
“To the werewolf territory?” I asked her.
“Oh come on!” she exclaimed. “They’re not that bad! You’re just biased!”
“A little.”
She glanced over at me. “I’m not going to make you. I was just wondering.”
“Edward and Jasper will never let us set foot on wolf territory,” I reminded her. “You know that.”
“Edward is trying not to be prejudice. So you don’t know that.”
“Jasper has not agreed to try to look at them on equal footing, so there is no way that he would let me go over with you.”
“I wouldn’t count you out that quickly either.” She rolled her eyes. “He would probably let you if you asked. The thing is, you never ask for anything.”
“Because I don’t need anything. I have all I need here in Forks.”
“It’s just one visit. Just to keep me company.”
“Fine, fine!” I threw my hands up. “I’ll ask! But when I call you to say that he said no, don’t be surprised!”
But there was something more to that conversation I didn’t notice until later—the way neither of us thought of the obvious. The thought of what could obviously happen in a moment I didn’t think of until too long later. I didn’t think of it until it was way too late, even if it should have been the first thing, even if it was the most important.
Even if it had the power to destroy everything we had built.
♠ ♠ ♠
© The Surrealist