Drowning Lessons

Hours later I was on the cusp of being far gone, so when I strolled upstairs and saw Darren, Shar, and Eddie in a heated discussion, I had to intervene.

“What’s goin’ on motha bleepers?!” I came to a wobbly stop in front of the trio. Darren and Eddie kept talking, but Shar raised his drooping eyes at me. I had to smile. He was just as bad as me.

“We’re talking about anti-ists.” He didn’t have to repeat himself with more clarity for me to know what he was talking about. My insides twirled at the chance to rant and be honest.

I grabbed a barely touched bottle of Dull Delight off the coffee table. “Atheists have it made, man.”

He nodded wildly and spoke with not only his hands but his arms. “I know! There’s like a god--- everywhere?! That’s just-” He leaned back and rubbed his face. “Just fucking crazy…”

I paused my sip, getting more into the conversation. “The way I see it is that… religion… spreads hate so… if we got rid of all the religions… there’d be less hate.”

“Spread the love!” he raised his bottle, and I clinked with him. I took a heavy swig of Dull Delight. When I gulped it down I was surprised to not have that sick feeling in my belly. I had acquired a taste. As he took in more than his mouth could hold, an important detail I failed to recognize came to mind.

“Wait, dude. Aren’t you like Muslim or something?”

Beer trailed down his chin. “Yeah, but- I don’t-”

“You know what you should be?” My eyes sprung open. Lessons of English class flooded my mind. “You should be a-an existentialist.”

“A huh?”

“Life is bogus; choice is… you live by you. Then you’re your own hero.”

Shar’s face screwed up. “… like Batman?”

“Jane, someone’s here for you.” A voice turned me around. A smile splashed across my face.

“Steve!”

He stood at the front door, his mouth a thin line. I ran over to him and threw my arms around his neck. I hugged him and kissed his cheek, my lips grazing familiar stubble. His arms remained limp at his sides. I pulled away, a thought occurring to me.

“Did I call you?”

“No, I called you--- six times.” He bit his lip, shaking his head. “How did I know that when you didn’t pick up, you’d be here? You said you were going to stop this.”

“No, you said I was going to stop.” I poked him in the chest.

He leaned in and ripped the bottle away from me.

“Hey!”

“We’re leaving. Where’s your coat?”

My head swiveled about. “I dunno.”

He sighed in exasperation. “Stay here,” he demanded, barging past me and heading down the hall. Funny how he assumed I was in a bedroom some time tonight.

I stuck my tongue out at his back and zigzagged down the stairs, colliding into Corey taking a shot in a pool game with Ray. He lunged forward, the stick missing the white ball completely.

“Scratch.” Ray grinned.

Corey spun around, livid, but when he saw it was me he calmed. “You alright?”

I nodded, holding back the venom naturally aimed at Steve. My legs carried me to the laundry room full of people. Some were pouring drinks while a huddle of guys congregated in the corner. I recognized my blue bottled beauty. The cap was placed carelessly on the top and fell off when I picked it up. This time the hesitation was gone, and I drank greedily straight from the bottle, fueling the flames.

My body shivered, and I placed it back amongst its brethren. Smoke penetrated my nostrils. The unforgiving pungency turned my insides. That rising jolt I know all too well came sudden and merciless.

Mike placed his hand on my shoulder. “Whoa, you okay?”

Vomit cascaded from my mouth and splashed onto the tile floor. Mike jumped, attracting the attention of the mysterious group in the corner. They either gasped or exclaimed, “Ooohhh!”

“Okay, okay, we can fix this.” Mike looked all around him and ended up tugging a black t-shirt off a hanger. He used it like a rag and cleaned it all up. He then crumpled it up and tossed it on top of the washer. Won’t Ray be happy to find that?

I mumbled a “Thanks,” wiping away the sick on my lips. I felt better.

“Jane!” Matt called me to the circle in the corner. I staggered over and a few moved to the side to let me in.

“Yeah?”

“You know what gets rid of nausea like that?” He snapped his fingers.

“No, what?” It smelled worse over here.

He held up a blue and green tie-dyed pipe. I instantly knew what it was from movies. “Just a puff of this will make you feel a lot better.”

I inched forward, curious. “You sure?” He nodded. I glanced over my shoulder: No Steve to bark at me otherwise. “… okay, but you gotta tell what to do. This is my first time.”

“We gotta noob!” The tall boy all in black from earlier, Anthony, shouted.

“Okay.” Matt handed it to me. “Put it in your mouth.” Unsure of how many different pairs of lips that have been on it, I did as I was told. “… okay, now breathe in deeply when I tell you.” I watched him bring a lighter to the barrel. My eyes searched every face that surrounded me in fear one of them would be Steve’s. All I found were smirks and snickers. “Breathe in…” Smoke filled my lungs. “Now hold it.” I waited a few seconds. “Now let it go.” I didn’t feel much, so I tried the process once more. As grey billowed from my lips, my eyes eased closed. A wave of relaxation veiled over me and the tension inside melted. Matt was right; I didn’t feel as queasy.

The pipe was taken from me, and the guys continued to take hits and pass it. My face grew hot. Damn claustrophobia. The melted tension hardened, and I had to get away and cool off. I squeezed between a couple bodies and stumbled out of the room, tired. The empty bathroom provoked a sigh of relief. Using the wall as a support, I slipped inside and flipped on the light. I kicked the door shut behind me and sauntered over to the toilet. I put the seat down and sat, placing my head in my palms.

“Deep breaths,” I sighed, inhaling and exhaling. My eyes fell shut, and in the darkness my world was spinning. I whimpered, scared and agitated of the feeling. “1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8-1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.” I tried the chant that usually worked when I was sober and aggravated. By the time I’d get to eight, I would be bored and feel better. It didn’t happen here. I simply looked like a psychotic muttering to herself.

“Hey.” My vision peeked through my fingers and chunks of my bangs. Anthony closed the door. The lock clicked. “… how are you doing?” He moved from the door and walked closer. He slipped his dark sunglasses off his face and sat them on the counter.

I shook my head, my face lowering to the sweaty sanctuary of my hands. I just wanted to be alone.

“Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon enough.” It was something about the way his voice was unusually soft or that is sounded cold and unfeeling, that I had to look at him and monitor his movements. He sat on the edge of the tub and scooted closer.

I shifted away from him. “Whad-dyou want?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked pretty out of it when you left… are you okay?” His hand found its way on my leg, his thumb massaging my knee cap. I tried to think of it as nothing more than a friendly gesture.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just needed some time to myself but I’m all better so…” I jerked my knee from him and tried standing up.

“What’s the hurry?” I fell back, unsure of it was my faulty balance or him. “You can hang with me for awhile, can’t ya? Some one on one time?” He leaned forward with a grin and laid his arm across my shoulders.

My shoulders wriggled under him. “I would, but -uh- my boyfriend’s waiting for me.”

“Oh, you have a boyfriend?” He smirked, exercising his muscles and urging me closer. “Then we’ll have to be extra quiet, won’t we?” His hot breath sent shivers down my spine.

“I-I have to go.” I pushed.

“Sh-sh-sh-sh-shhh…” He locked me in his arms. “Everything’s okay. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Tears built up in my eyes. I wanted to scream, to hit him, to run. But I could do none of those things. His hazel eyes nurtured my fear and arrested my motions. I gazed at the door. Did anyone know I was in here? That he was in here?

He pulled me so close to him that I was practically on his lap. At a break neck speed, he lurched forward attacking the skin around my throat with his mouth. His lips sucked and smeared, paining me to gasp.

“No-” I cried out. His teeth bit and tore. With my arms pinned to my sides, I kicked and struggled, my hips gyrating in the process.

“Tease,” he huffed and nipped at me earlobe.

“Pig,” I spat, fear boiling into anger. His hand situated on my leg crept up my thigh to the bottom of my shirt. Once his fingertips grazed my torso, I swung at him and knocked him in the ear. Caught off guard, he fell backwards into the tub, bringing me down on top of him.

“Son of a bitch!” He hissed, his hold loosening.

It was my chance, so I scrambled to crawl off of him. I heard knocking and a click, so I froze. Anthony moaned in pain, and the door swung open and several people rushed into the cramped bathroom: Ray with a key, Corey, and Steve. They stopped, crashing into one another.

“What the fuck is this?!” Steve roared, shoving Ray and Corey to get closer. Realizing the scene from his point of view, I shook my head.

“No, it’s not what you think!”

“The hell it is.” He threw down my coat and stormed out.

“Steve, wait!” I struggled to get to my feet. Corey and Ray gaped. “I-he-I didn’t- ah, damnit!” I ran out and crawled up the stairs as fast as I could go. “Steve!” I gripped the railing and pulled myself up, reaching the upstairs in time to see him walking out the front door. “Steve!” He didn’t stop though he heard me. Listening to the only clear thought in my head, I chased after him. I only gained distance because he took the walkway and I cut through the lawn. “Steve, please!”

“No, I’m done.”

“That wasn’t what you think.”

He spun on his heel and marched straight up to me. “Oh yeah? Then what’s that?” He stabbed in the air at the area Anthony’s saliva was slowly drying. “You wreak of alcohol and pot, things you promised you’d stop doing or never do, and then I catch you locked in a bathroom with some guy while I’m looking for your damn coat!”

At mention of my coat, the cool weather covered my body in goose bumps. “Steve, I-”

“No, Jane, I’m done. I can’t be your babysitter.” He stepped back, an irritated smile ruining his face. “I’m done.” He turned his back to me and walked to his car out of sight.

I looked over my shoulder to the light spilling from the front door I left open. I had no desire to go back in there. The engine of his car broke the silence of the night, making me weak in the knees.

“I give up.” I collapsed to the ground, ending up on my back. The grass was cold and wet as it pricked my skin. I thought about getting my coat but decided against it. I didn’t deserve it.

Tires screeched as Steve tore down the street, getting as far away from me as he could. Tears bubbled and rolled to the corners of my eyes. I stared at the navy atmosphere. There wasn’t any stars out tonight but clouds of purple.

“How did I get here?” No one replied. I was alone… again.

I smiled knowing the answer. My hands smoothed over my face. “I’m such a fool.”

After all my consumptions I felt emptier than before. I swallowed a sob and turned on my side, bringing my knees close to chest and hugging them there.

I don’t feel so thirsty anymore.

I passed out in that very spot. Ray and all them found me hours later soaking wet from a light rain that came and went. They carried me inside and laid me down on the couch. They had questioned Anthony, but like most guys he lied about it. Deep down everyone knew the truth and where there’s humiliation, a lesson is learned. Besides, when I awoke early in the morning to people snoring around me, I didn’t care about last night’s events. Sure, my heart ached for Steve, but I wasn’t going to beg him to give me another chance that day. Saying you’re going to change are empty words; you have to actually change to be taken seriously. And I was going to show him in due time. I couldn’t live that life anymore.

So I drove home, snuck in while everyone slept, and showered. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt clean. I turned off my phone to avoid the prying calls of nosey witnesses. Then I lathered my neck with concealer to hide the nasty splatter of purple and crimson. My mom would have killed me if she saw it. Mom would never know about any of this.

That’s why I’m trusting you with my story. I saw you at a party. You’re new to the group, aren’t you? I watched you stumble about and throw up. I know you didn’t break the TV on purpose. People just don’t understand. I know how you feel walking through the halls at school and thinking to yourself, “I’d kill for a shot right now.” I know what it means to lick your lips at a Smirnoff commercial. I know what it was to choke on fire and burn in the spotlight. You can do with this information however you please. You can toss this in the trash, have a bon fire, hell I don’t care if you rip up the pages and use the paper to roll dope and smoke it. I don’t expect you to change after reading this, but I hope the next time you raise that drink to your lips, you’ll think of what will happen.

As for me, I’m taking my bow and letting the curtain fall.

Sincerely hoping,
The Ex Drowning Victim