If You Run

It was strange, really. I expected to wake up, still on top of the roof, or maybe even in someone’s bedroom, or car, but not here. When I say ‘here’, I do mean a place that looked a lot like hell, if you were to use your imagination to try and decide on what hell looks like.

It was dark, and I was slowly trying to prop myself up on my elbows, but the bottom of my back hurt like a bitch, as if I had fallen. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that scared, or worried - just confused. And, this wasn’t normal, at all, obviously, which made me wonder if I was even in control of my own body, which it didn’t seem like I was.

Once I was finally sat up and resting back on my hands, I blinked, my hair all over the place and my eyes tired. The atmosphere around me was eerie; it was silent, and the only thing I could strain my ears hard enough to hear, was the faint sound of ticking clocks. Realising what this noise was, my eyebrows furrowed, and I stood up, using my hands to straighten out my clothes, which were a tad dusty.

“Hello?” I called. Well, attempted to; my voice was somewhat hoarse, for a reason I knew not of. I licked over my lips and coughed, slightly, fanning in front of my face to get rid of the dust I’d just patted away from my clothes. However, as my cough died down, I tilted my head in confusion as a seemingly unknown object was seen floating down, like a leaf, out of nowhere. It landed soundlessly on the floor, and I peered around, warily, before taking a few steps towards it and bending down, soon realising it was my hat that I’d took off and left in the bar.

Extending my arm, I reached down and grabbed it, putting it on top of my tangled mess of hair, carefully. “Hello?” I called, again, my voice sore. I looked around at my surroundings, taking it all in. There was a single bed, with a discoloured looking pillow, and a quilt to match. Beside that, was a small wooden set of drawers, with a smashed pocket watch on top. I turned my head, my eyes then landing on a rocking chair in the far corner, opposite the bed and drawers. Only, this chair was moving, very faintly. I was not going crazy. There was no one in that chair. And stranger yet, the smashed pocket watch was one of the many clocks I could hear ticking.

I began to slowly step backwards, now, but stopped with a sharp intake of breath when I felt something behind me. Spinning on my heels, my eyes attempted to find the face of whoever was stood in front me, but before they could, my hat was pushed off from my head, and my body was forcefully pushed onto the rocking chair. Gasping at how fast that had happened, I gripped the arm rests and squeezed them hard, staring up at the now, seemingly empty bedroom. Now that I had a full view on this room, I could see how morbid it actually looked. It looked like a cell in an insane asylum or something.

My eyes shifted from one side of the room to the other side, and it took a few silent seconds before I even realised there was something laying on top of the bed. My eyes narrowed, and my grip on the arm rest loosened as I began to stand. It was only a small object, but as I got closer, my heart beat increased. It was a knife, and I knew for a fact, that the liquid dripping from the tip of the blade and onto the already-discoloured mattress was blood.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, my shaking hand reaching forward and my slender fingers curling around the leather handle. Picking up the knife, I held it away from my face at a fair enough distance, gasping and spinning around when I heard the door slam shut.

And, there, was a sight I had no idea how to feel about. In a way, I was relieved, but in another, I was not. I was relieved because, in my situation, I wondered if I was ever going to see him again, but I was not relieved when I saw how… dead he looked. He stood by the rocking chair, quite a few feet away, his body tilting slightly, his eyes dark, his face thin and colourless.

“Josh,” I breathed, my hand still holding up the knife. I hadn’t noticed, but if I had, I assumed that I’d probably looked like a fucking lunatic. Well, who wouldn’t in a place like this? “Josh - what’s happened to you?” I asked, quietly, my eyes staring at him with horror.

However, before I could hear his reply (if he was going to reply at all), Dan, Matt, Chris, and the brunette who I had seen in the party beside Joshua, all stepped forward from behind him. They all looked dead, all leaning and bleeding and staying silent. Well, that was until the brunette frowned.

“Alice,” she whispered, slowly, her voice echoing. It sent shivers down my spine, but only because of how eerie this whole situation was. This wasn’t real life - it couldn’t have been.

Just then, Josh tilted his head to the side, glaring at me with those dark, rueful eyes. “What have you done?” he hissed, his voice full of resentment.

My lips parted, and I found myself staring at them in fright, now. Looking down at the knife, which still had blood dripping from the blade, I shook my head, but something caught my eye. Beside me, on the bed, lay Max, ripped to shreds, almost. He was dead, and by looking at the scene, it was obviously assumed that I had done it. But, I hadn’t. I was sure of it.

“N-No,” I whispered, turning my head and looking at Joshua and the boys, plus the brunette behind him - all of them still glaring at me. “I didn’t do it, I-I swear!”

“Alice? Alice, what’re you doing? Alice!”

Suddenly, I was sitting up right, a cool breeze on my face and arms and legs, my breathing rapid. I swallowed the lump in my throat once I realised I had been dreaming, and that someone was indeed shouting my name, and turned my head, staring up at Joshua.

It was by looking at where I was and how clean I was, and how okay he looked, that I knew it had all been a dream. He, in one hand, was holding his phone, and in the other hand, was holding my hat. I continued to stare at him for a few moments, though, just in shock at how graphic my dream nightmare had been, before he tilted his head, much like I had just seen when I was asleep.

I shook my head at this and looked down, taking my glass and gulping down some of the Vodka and OJ from in there, then licking over my lips, dropping my head into my hands. “What, Josh?” I asked, finally, my voice sounding as perfect as it had when I arrived.

It was silent for a few minutes then, apart from the light breeze, and I heard a noise as he sat beside me, crossing his legs. He slowly placed my hat in my lap, and fiddled around with his phone.

“I tried calling you.” he told me, simply. “Didn’t know where you’d gone. Got a little worried.” he chuckled, softly.

I looked down at my hat, trying to ignore him. Though, I couldn’t just ignore him when it was us two alone on a roof. “Yeah, well.” I muttered. “You kind of, disappeared with your girlfriend.”

Just then, Joshua laughed, and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. His head was tilted back, his eyes were closed and he had a grin on his face. “Hanna? She isn’t my girlfrien- well, not anymore.” he chuckled, shaking his head and opening his eyes, looking at me. “We ended it, like, yesterday.” he nodded.

“And, you’re happy about that?” I asked, my eyebrow still raised. Although, I couldn’t deny the butterflies in my stomach.

At my question, he seemed to twist his mouth to the side, as if in thought. “No, it’s not like that,” he murmured, glancing at me. “We both decided to just be friends, you know? We came here together, tonight, as friends - that’s all.”

“I saw you holding hands.” I sang, quietly, lifting my glass up and sipping my beverage. This, made him chuckle.

“I lost her,” he admitted, and when I turned my head to watch him, I noticed his cheeks had began to turn pink. “We were all dancing and I lost her in the crowd, so I was holding her hand to keep her close, you know? She was so tired, though - bless her.” he smiled, slightly, and looked over at me. Our eyes locked for a split second, and he squinted at another gust of wind. “I’m sorry for just leaving you there, though. Seriously, Alice.”

I shrugged. It wasn’t like it was his fault, right? Or am I just trying to convince myself? “You’re lucky you’ve said that, Franceschi. I was about to run out of here.” I paused, shrugging again. “Well, before I fell asleep.”

But, it seemed that Joshua wasn’t happy with this reply. He frowned and leaned on his arm, closer to me. “You were going to run?” he sighed, beginning to whine, “Alice…-”

“Josh, shut up.” I snapped, before I could even think. “I didn’t, alright? I’m still here.” I mumbled.

“You run from everything, though.” Josh muttered, and I looked at him again, our eyes meeting. He was staring at me from under his eyelashes, a light smile tugging on the corners of his lips. “You remember, last time, yeah?”

“Yeah, you went off and turned into a complete dick head and wrote a song about it.” I grumbled, looking up at the streetlights, my fingertips drawing invisible patterns on my hat. “Thanks, though. Seriously. Made me feel superior.” I added, sarcastically.

The singer laughed, and lightly brushed his fingertips over my shoulder. “Alice,” he started, his voice quiet. “You were really special to me.” he told me, and I tried everything in my power to not blush. “I mean, you still are special to me.” That definitely did it. I blushed, and I knew I had because my face turned hot. He laughed, more so through his nose, his mouth shut. “I told you, and then I sang it to you. Alice, you got hurt and you ran and you thought you were all cool about it. You know, your friends, all that jealousy and envious -”

“I heard it in your song.” I reminded him, quietly, sipping my drink again, then licking over my lips.

Josh let out another, quiet laugh, and used his fingertips to turn my head. I was certain that my face looked like a tomato, so I bit my lip, my eyes widening slightly. “You remember, though, right? You told us you’d give up on so many things. You were wrong, you thought you were right. You ran away, and you didn’t even stay. Not even in London. You moved to, fucking, God knows where, and you started… modelling, thinking you were so cool.” he paused, grinning; he was practically repeating his own lyrics. “You are cool.”

“How do you know?” I muttered. I was really trying to keep my cool; I didn’t want him to get all cocky if he thought I was turning soft on him, which I was.

“I’ve seen you in those magazines.” he whispered, immediately, a wide smirk appearing on his face.

“Ugh, Josh!” I whined, hitting his head with my hat, lightly, my blush deepening in colour. “Shut up, seriously!”

The singer laughed some, and he took my hat from me, placing it on top of my head, lightly, with quite an adorable, triumphant smile. “But, now you’re back, right?”

I stared up at him now, as if in thought. I ran for various things in the passed, but I had vowed upon coming back that boys wouldn’t be a reason for running again, and Joshua had confirmed that to be the complete and utter right thing to do. I nodded, slightly, and tightened my lips into a little smile. “Sure.”

He smiled, and pulled me into a hug, and I could feel him rest his chin on my shoulder. “Good,” he murmured, quietly. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” I sighed, quietly, licking over my lips and returning the embrace. For a moment, it was completely silent and all was well, but thinking about him writing that song on the old album got me thinking. I pulled back, and re-adjusted the hat on my head. “That one lyric, though,” I began, picking up my glass and sipping my beverage. “‘I’ve got one good reason to keep you on your feet‘. What was that about?”

But, Josh only smiled at me, and lightly tapped the tip of my nose. He stood, then, and walked down the stairs and, I assumed, back inside, leaving me to sit in bewilderment on my own.



It had happened so fast.

The door slammed shut, our bodies were pressed tightly against each others, and the clock ticked it’s way passed midnight.

Short huffs of determination to get each other’s clothes off left our lips, and once we were both down to our underwear, I had been laying on my back, my knees bent, and his hips resting in between my thighs, his lips planting soft, gentle kisses down my neck.

I remember closing my eyes, and as I arched my back, felt his cool hands run up my spine and unclasp my bra and throw it aside, I knew I was not drunk. I was not drunk. And, neither was he. We hadn’t had much to drink, and I knew that Joshua was not a lightweight. Was all this just for the sex, or did it have feeling?

Either way, my thoughts were interrupted when he began to rotate his hips down against mine, almost in a desperate attempt to get out of his boxers, but also to get me to notice the erection that had been making the material bulge. A smile tugged at both of our lips at this point, and my hands began to push his boxers down, as his pushed down my underwear.

I had only ever had sex twice before this. My relationships were not serious - they never were - and I was always comfortable with men all over the world seeing my body on the cover of magazines. But, as Josh cupped my cheeks, pressing his lips to mine, gently, just for a second, I had a slight pink colour to my cheeks. Suddenly, I was self-conscious around a boy? And, Joshua, to be exact. This was big, for me, at least, and I knew that this meant a little more than just a night of pointless sex that in the morning we wouldn’t ever remember anything about.

But it was, especially, when he had pushed himself inside, and our bodies were moving as one, that I realised, he wasn’t like any other boy I’d ever had sex with. Ever liked, even. He was slow, and took his time for the both of us to embrace and enjoy. The feeling was magnificent; it wasn’t just a quick fuck and that was it. He was slow for a reason, and that was to just, spend the moment as it should’ve been spent. He was deep, passionate, and gentle, and although I wasn’t so used to it, I loved it more than anything.

And, of course, it had gotten a little more faster, a little more chaotic and a lot more louder by the time we had both climaxed, but after we had, we collapsed back onto his small bed, our shoulders pressed tightly together. We were in his old bedroom at his parents’, and luckily, his parents weren’t home. They’d been away for the weekend - his sister had gone with them, too.

We both had our eyes closed, and we were both breathing heavily, sweat all over our faces and bodies. Joshua, especially, was red in the face, and I almost felt sorry for him when I noticed the scratch marks all over him.

Though, after a few moments, I felt my fingers being touched, and not seconds later had he slid his hand into mine, lacing our fingers, tightly. I opened my eyes at this, and so did he, and we both turned our heads, staring up and staring down at each other.

“I’m not some sort of rebound girl, am I?” I whispered, biting my bottom lip, briefly. When I saw a sudden flicker of anger in his eyes, I began to worry if I had upset him.

“Of course you aren’t, Alice.” Joshua replied, almost instantly. He propped himself up on his elbow and pulled the covers further up our bodies, then, with his free hand, brushed some hair off of my shoulder and leaned down to kiss it, lovingly. “I told you: you mean so much to me.” he sighed, quietly.

I glanced at my shoulder as he kissed it, and then looked up at him, staying silent. I trusted him, but it had happened so fast - I didn’t know whether it had feeling or not, but it did for me.

“What - you don’t believe me?” he asked, still keeping just as quiet. “Alice,” he whined, playfully nudging his nose against mine, smiling when I began to giggle. “Believe me, yeah?”

I nodded, and stroked his cheek with the back of my fingers. “I know, I know. It just happened so fast.” I told him, raising my eyebrows.

The singer just shook his head, a smile appearing on his face. “And you running away happened so fast, too.” he argued, quietly. The both of us fell silent after that, and then, after a few moments passed, he pressed a very gentle kiss to my temple, which, as a result, turned my cheeks pink. “Don’t run away again.” he whispered, his forehead against mine, his body leaning over slightly. “Please, Alice. You don’t have to run away anymore.”

And I just stared at him, because I knew he was right. I wouldn’t run, because I had everything I needed. And even if it happened so fast, it meant something, to both of us. And, if nothing happened in the future between us, then that’d be just fine. I’d have him as a friend, and that’s better than not having him in my life at all.

So, I had decided. I wasn’t going to run, to try and be something cool. I wasn’t going to be jealous or envious, and I was going to be myself and love the life I live. I wasn’t going to get scared.

I was not going to run.