Aim High, Never Rest

“Kendall, you’re up!”

I growled under my breath, as if I am physically protesting against the order given by the camera crew. Of course, I am angered by the fact that I have to work with Kendall, out of anyone else in the world I can work with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-Kendall or anything. It’s not like I’m going to start a hate on Kendall fan club; I just do not like having anything to do with him. Talking to him is troublesome for me, but working with him? I know that this photo shoot wouldn’t end well for neither of us.

Secondly, I am offended that Kendall’s name is the cue for me to walk myself over to the set. I know that this photo shoot is in accompaniment of promoting Big Time Rush, but I am important too! In fact, I am more important than the four Big Time Rush guys combined. I’m not shallow or anything, but my work ethics pile up to heaps of large mountains while the sand castles would be offended if anyone even refer to BTR’s work ethics to amount to that much.

I removed the dark black bangs from my eyes and gently stroked the long feather earrings that Chloe managed to prepare for me. The black and white colored feathers feel so smooth against my fingers, somewhat reassuring me to get through the shoot.

I look fabulous in my black colored gown. The silk material reaches below my feet, so I have to clutch onto the lower sleeves of the gown in order to make movements regarding of walking. This one-piece gown is sleeveless and clipped to my undergarments—or sleeveless bra. I also noticed that this dress is more than one layered. The outer later is black, but it is shorter than the dark green inner layer, giving this attire a more color-diverse effect.

For some reason, I am thankful that Chloe designed my outfit for me, not going along with my usual attire of lingerie or sexually suggestive clothing. She wants this photo shoot to go her way, which I can respect from her—it is always special when an artist or musician envision things their own way and stop at nothing to get it done.

But my own reason for being thankful of Chloe is that I feel more like myself when I am not wearing clothing that reveals too much skin. Being myself gives me more confidence, the real kind of confidence, not the one I pretend to have—displaying to the world for everyone to see, for them to know that Maxine Johnson does not give a fuck.

I approach the set but tried my best to avoid gaze with Kendall. Working with him is going to be hell and just thinking about posing with him feels awkward enough.

When I looked in the mirror after the stylists were done with me, I saw a beautiful, confident girl—the flawless version of Maxine Johnson; the one who didn’t use sexuality to get attention, the one who didn’t bury all her flaws with the charade of bitterness, and the one who is just comfortable with herself. The makeup is still the Maxine Johnson way of applying facial appearance, but my features are more striking and outlined by the more professional work of makeup—every little bit of my facial features. The stylist picked it all up, striving to display every single part of me out on camera—and I am reminded that I haven’t been doing that for myself.

Finally, when I am forced to meet gaze with Kendall, I struggled to hold back a gasp. It surprised me how clean cut he looked in a tuxedo and a green tie that matched his pair of hazel eyes. I wasn’t thinking of how attractive he looked, I was just thinking how this form of Kendall is so out of character for him. When he is dressed like this, he is a new person—not the annoying, patronizing asshole that I’ve learned to despise. He actually looked decent enough to get along with.

He shot me a faint smile to which I refused to return. Kendall may be all posh and clean-looking but in my eyes, he will forever be that drivel-talking idiot who constantly gets on my nerves.

A pair of crew members appeared around us, moving our bodies the way they wanted it to look on camera. Kendall’s left arm is immediately brought around my lower waist, infuriating me. I shoved his hand away defiantly, gaining a short-verbal complaint from him.

“Maxine!”

“Keep your hands off of me” I gritted through my teeth.

“It’s not like I have a choice!”

One of the crew members shot me a serious look, almost pleading with me to set our differences aside and get this shoot over with. I rolled my eyes in defeat, finally letting Kendall’s arm around me. He looked stiff standing in front of me, his light brown hair looking to be more of a mess than his composure. I want more than anything to shove him off of me, kick his ass, and then conquer this photo shoot by myself. But it seems that in Hollywood, you don’t always get what you want.

“Foreheads together!” Chloe ordered from behind the camera man.

“Why?” I groaned, rolling my eyes ferociously.

Kendall didn’t look to be too happy about it either, but he did nonetheless. I shot him a grim look and his returning expression isn’t the most pleasant looking one either. My teeth clenched harshly behind my dark purple-lipstick stained mouth as Kendall’s arm is instructed to pull me closer against him.

“Look at each other” Chloe continued.

I rolled my eyes, finally meeting his hazel eyes. They bore into mine, emotionless, like the feeling of irritation boiling up in the pits of my stomach. I hate him so much, I just wish that I could have done this shoot with anybody else; the stupid pretty boy James, idiotically happy Carlos, or even the awkward Logan—just anyone but freaking Kendall. This tension during the shoot wouldn’t have been as apparent as it is now to the observers.

“Would it kill you two to just stare at each other like you are in love?” Chloe finally snapped.

“Uh… yeah!” Kendall and I turned to her with definite conformation.

She rolled her eyes.

“I do not want anyone to see the discomfort and hostility between the pair of you—especially if this segment is going under my name”

Kendall muttered something under his breath before returning his gaze to me. I tried my best to pretend that he is anybody else, Jordan even. Jordan is the only guy I’ve ever felt sparks for. Even if our ending result did not amount to much, I still appreciated him for the motorcycle and the affection he shown me. I still appreciate him for stirring up a foreign feeling inside of me, even if it made me inferior, even if the thoughts would never be spoken aloud.

Kendall is officially Jordan now, if that helps. It is ironic how I have to pretend that the guy that I hated most in this star-consumed city is the guy that I’ve harnessed strong feelings for. I’ve never tried acting before, but it is no simple task, let me tell you.

The annoying crew member cleared his throat and interrupted my ritual of faking for the camera. I wanted to shove something down his throat for interrupting me or being so demanding of me, but I thought better of that. If I want exposure and fame, I am going to have to bite my tongue and control my actions. For exposure and fame, I will do what I have to.

“You love each other, and that is what the camera wants to capture—the camera wants to capture the beauty of your love” Chloe reminded, while I tried very hard to pretend that Kendall is a desirable person, rather than the irritating, unlikable twat.

I stared at him with the intensity I could muster with my eyes. My mind completely shut down from its original mindset. This is photography, a world completely different than the real world. In this world, Kendall is my lover, the person I’ve got my eyes on. He is my music—because music made my life and is the top one pleasure in my life. If Kendall is my music, then he means hell of a lot to me.

His other arm went around my waist, our foreheads pressed. This moment must have been to Chloe’s satisfactory because I feel the flashes of the camera on us. Kendall is not Kendall, if that makes sense. For the first time in my life, I am viewing him as something else—something different than I used to think of. It is pretty sickening to feel his breath on mine, but I’m probably breathing on him now as well.

“Caress her face” Chloe called out.

“Are you serious?” Kendall groaned, whipping his head around to look at the older Mitchell sibling.

Trust me; I wouldn’t want his hand on my face either.

“Kendall” Chloe stared him down sternly.

I quickly turned from Chloe, bracing the worse. This disgusting feeling is filling my guts right now. Kendall’s hand caressing my face. That is just the most disturbing image that can ever be put into my head. Being smitten and affectionate with him is extremely difficult.

He looked at me again, somewhat of a reassuring smile on his face. I don’t know what to make of it, but I just know that I shouldn’t smile back. I despise him for having so much while doing so little, I despise him because his girlfriend patronizes my music, I despise him because he patronizes me. What reason do I have to like him? When we are being photographed together, what reason do I have to love him—even if it was just pretend?

His hand suddenly landed on my cheek and I jolted upwards in shock. My eyes narrowed, hardening on him and he looked away from me quickly.

“Maxine” Chloe’s voice forced my gaze to soften on him.

The crew members tampered with our stance and position, moving around frantically to get it right. Kendall’s skin is in contact with mine and what surprised me is that he is doing it so delicately, giving me no reason to hate him for it. I don’t know how he is able to get something like this done, and for a moment, I hated him for it. Why can’t I fake this the way he is now?

“Close the distance between your faces” Chloe instructed.

“Shit” I muttered.

Kendall didn’t say anything but did as he was told. Our faces are so close together, it frightened me. I don’t know why I’m not feeling nauseous right now—not that I’m squeamish or anything—but because of being so intimate with him. The feelings I have scared me—or the lack of hatred I’m feeling. It didn’t matter because the camera went off several times because it is satisfactory.

I examined Kendall’s eyes carefully and I am even more alarmed than I am before. His eyes stared through mine with pure intensity this time. He stared at me like I was his lover, like I am the only girl he will ever lay his eyes on. It is a look that I’ve never seen from him in my entire time of knowing him; his hazel eyes never looked more beautiful to me. I can’t do anything but to return with all the passion I can get myself to offer.

“Tilt her downwards, Kendall”

He did what he was told and I am about twenty degree from my original stance. This position is my least favorite so far because it made me feel weak and helpless. In fact, I am weak and helpless in this position. The only thing keeping me from falling back-first to the floor is Kendall’s arm support. I hate that so much. The fate of my stance depends on him now.

“Alright, more passion, go”

His eyes remain unmoving from the love and passion. It made me wonder if he ever looked at Jo like that. Maybe that is why girls are so attracted to him, because of his intense, loving stare. I returned the look, thinking him to be more of Kendall, rather than Jordan. The eyes I see in front of mine are a moss green, instead of warm, chocolate brown. For once, I am playing the part correctly, giving off an emotion I’ve never displayed in my entire sixteen years of living. This emotion is not being fed off of a fond memory; it is something that I didn’t expect to improvise so correctly.

I actually believed for a moment there that Kendall loved me. He wants to protect me from all the harm in the world and he wants to fight off anything standing in my way of being happy. He is going to help me get through this hardship I’ve had in my life and he promises that everything will be fine. I will achieve superstardom and he will be by my side, loving me for who I am. He will break down the walls I’ve build up, something that makes me cringe thinking about—and he will still accept me for the person that I am. To him, I am not a bitch, hated by many—I am a human being just like everyone else.

Then I feel as if I am falling. Not falling hard for him, but actually falling down to the floor. When I snapped my mind back to reality, I realize that I am. I screeched loudly in fright but I didn’t fall due to someone’s support. But that is followed by laughter.

Kendall laughed at me and I came to a conclusion that he tried to purposely frighten me by pretending to drop me—since he has all the support on me. This fact angered me, breaking me from this second world that I’ve been building for myself. I realized that everything I’ve just thought of him is false and it will never happen. And the thing is, I am not upset by it—more of a relief.

I remembered that he is the Kendall that I hated for a valuable reason.

“The shoot is done” he said, gesturing toward the retreating camera crew, “it’s break time. Individual shoot comes next”

Rolling my eyes, I broke away from him, storming away from this dumbass without looking back.

I returned to the dressing room to find that Kandi and Hannah are sitting back there, chatting it up. The two looked up at me when they sense my presence. Hannah stopped talking immediately, looking away anywhere but at me. I only shrugged at her gesture, because I intimidate her since she is jealous of the qualities I have. Even if I am not exactly comfortable with this stage in my life, I still carry enough confidence to make the super model Hannah cower away.

“Nice shoot” Kandi said with a tint of a smile playing at her lips.

I shrugged at her nonchalantly, not sure of her motives behind that comment. In fact, I despised this shoot because I went out of character and it startled me, made me feel differently about myself. If she enjoyed it, then that means she prefers the Maxine who loved Kendall. It is not the Maxine I prefer, and it is a relief that I am not.

When I found myself a seat, I noticed someone’s iPhone on the sofa couch. It is buzzing, as there is an incoming text. The person is nowhere to be found, to whomever it belongs to. Out of curiosity, I leaned over and picked up the hand held device. The little blue pop up grabbed my attention.

From: Collin
Hey Carley, tell me about the shoot whenever you want.

I scoffed at his lame attempt at flirting with her, but then I realized that he actually cared. He cared about her and the events happening in her life. Collin likes her enough to care. I don’t know how to feel about this but jealousy. He is my best friend, even if I really hate him now during this phase in our lives. Carley is going to steal Collin’s dedication to our friendship because he is thinking with his teenage boy hormones instead of the common sense he usually has.

But I care about Collin. I don’t know if he still cares for me, because we haven’t spoken since the day of our EP release party, but I kind of want him to. He used to be the only person I can trust, and somehow, he still is. There is no one else in the world I trust more than Collin. I will never ever say this to him, but it is important that I still am his best friend. Something has to be done because if our friendship falls apart, the only thing I have going for me is my promising career.

So instead of ignoring the issue like I usually would, I decided to use Carley’s phone to dial Collin’s number. When I found him on her contact list, I called him. While waiting for my best friend to pick up, I glanced around to make sure that Carley is nowhere in sight. I didn’t see her so the coast is clear.

“Carley?” Collin exclaimed excitedly.

I refrained myself from rolling my eyes. He sounds so happy, an emotion I’ve never seen out of him in the apartment or in my presence. He hates me now and apparently, I’m supposed to hate him too. But it makes me want to cry that he is no longer happy around me or the band. If he is pushed to the point where he is going to quit, then I have no human support. But I won’t say that.

“Carley?”

“How are you, Collin?”

“Maxine?”

“What?” my eyes went wide in surprise. I never knew that he would recognize my voice during a time like this.

“Sorry Carley, I’m probably thinking too much about Maxine, just hallucinating”

That is when I decided to play it off as Carley. It is not going to be easy but I can’t let Collin know that I actually care about him. I just want to simply check up on him to make sure he doesn’t completely hate on the band.

“So tell me about it”

I heard him sigh from his side of the line and my heart sank from the stress he is gaining due to the conflicts amongst the band.

“I just want things to go over the right way, ya know? Maxine is very motivated to get there, I understand that. I want this just as much as she does” I beg to differ, “but she is not doing it the right way. She is not Maxine anymore, and neither are Nathan and Tyson”

“What do you mean? They still look the same to me”

“Carley, Maxine has changed—can’t you see that? I think it is pretty damn obvious to anyone that she is. She is my best friend and I want her to realize that I want what is best for her and the other guys. This aspiring music career is not worth it. I rather not have our band become well-known if it means that all my friends will stay true to themselves”

I couldn’t reply to that. My mind is still working for his words to sink in. The main thing I got out of that is he still cares. He won’t leave us yet, at least he still has hope for this band. However, I believe that I am doing the right thing because this record deal and widespread fame only comes once in a lifetime. We just need to break away from our comfort zone for a certain amount of time before the glories of life actually sinks in. I have to sacrifice this part of me in order to get where I want to. That is one thing Collin never will understand about me.

“Carley?”

I hear someone from a distance, forcing me to follow my gaze to the owner of the voice. James walked into the dressing room and I immediately ended the call with Collin. The tan James approached me and I realized that the iPhone is still in my hand. His eyes darted to the device before I could even think about hiding it.

His eyebrows went up and I rolled my eyes at him. He is so stupid, and this issue is none of his business.

“Isn’t that Carley’s iPhone?” he asked.

I ignored him, tossing the phone at him without warning. He yelped in surprise and snatched the flying device before it could land on the floor. If it did hit the floor, the screen might crack. Well, I don’t really care since it is not my phone—and I am not fond of Carley.

“Return the stupid phone to her and tell her to keep track of her precious devices next time. I don’t want to hear her whining and bitching about it”

James scampered off right before I finished my sentence, leaving me by myself once again.