Spinning Out of Control

It was February 1st, 2008. Alex’s parents were having a party out in their backyard, celebrating my nineteenth birthday. Everything was set up elegantly, the gazebo in the backyard had twinkling lights wrapping around the roof. Alex and I were under it, his arms around me as we surveyed the party.

I could feel the way his forearms tensed around my torso for a moment, almost holding me closer to him for a short moment. I could feel his mouth touching my neck and I couldn’t help but squeal lightly at the sensation.

“You’re 19,” he murmurs in my ear, lips grazing the skin lightly. I giggle. “You’re the perfect age. Not a young adult, but not fucking old.”

I laugh, turning to look at him. “What are you rambling about?”

Alex shrugs, turning me around. “I’m saying that you and I have been together for…three years now?” I nod, moving a piece of hair out of his eyes. “That’s a long time. A really long time for people our age.”

My lips curve into a smile. “That is a long time. I told you we would make it.” I flick his nose playfully and he scrunches it, chuckling.

“I knew we would make it. And I’m ready for us to progress.”

“Progress?” I cock my head to the side. “Why’d you get all serious, babe?”

Alex just grins at me as he smoothly slides his arms out from around my waist. “And if you’re willing to progress as well, I think we can make it even further.” I open my mouth to ask what was going on, when he bends down onto one knee. My eyes widen on instinct as I watch his hand go into his pocket.

“Alex…” I trail off as he shushes me.

“I know that we’re really young,” he says, and I just noticed the music that had been playing over the backyard just stopped, “but I want to do this. There isn’t anyone but you, Rae. You’re all that I want. All that I need.” He props open the little black case and the breath gets stuck in my throat at the sight of the ring. I could feel my hands shake. “So, will you marry me?”

It seemed like everyone at the party was holding their breath as I just look down at Alex, my face a mask of shock. But I eventually come to my senses and let out a voiceless shriek. “Of course I’ll marry you, you bum!”

His face breaks out into a smile as he stands. I embrace him in a hug immediately, pecking the side of his face. As we pull back, he slides the ring onto my finger.

We set the date for three months later.

Everything was planned to the miniscule detail, perfectly designed as how I’ve always dreamed. But throughout the whole two months we were planning, I felt something was off. I found myself having strange fevers and a few times I had to get up in the middle of night to throw up. I knew it wasn’t nerves, either.

So a couple nights before the wedding, I went to the local CVS.

And back at home, I found out for sure.

I was sitting in the toilet on the bathroom, the door cracked where I saw Alex asleep on the bed, his back to me as he snored softly. I swallow as I gaze back down at the pregnancy test, the little pink plus sign mocking me in a way that set my heart racing a million miles a minute.

I could feel something churning in my stomach, like I was ready to upchuck. I put a hand against my abdomen lightly, noticing the slight bump. It was faint, and I estimated I had been pregnant for only a couple months.

My breathing was shaky as I wrapped the test in toilet paper and threw it away.

I sat on the news for the next two days, always fidgeting, always afraid Alex would bust into our room and start screaming about me being pregnant. I was paranoid. There was no doubt about.

And it was finally the day before Alex and I were to get married. I knew I couldn’t go through with it knowing I had a baby in my stomach. Everything was suddenly so wrong and I saw it all happen around me with a new perspective. Were Alex and I ready to have a baby? And along side that came another thought: Were Alex and I even ready to get married?

I was only 19 and he was only 20! We’d only been out of high school for about a year and a half. Could we really do this? These thoughts just made my morning sickness worse.

So, the night before our wedding, after Alex was asleep, I pack my belongings.

It broke my heart to know I was leaving him with no explanation, but what else could I do? A baby couldn’t weigh him down right now.

I had purchased a plane ticket to Chicago earlier in the day, and I boarded it at about midnight. And as the wheels of my flight pulled off the ground of Maryland, a piece of me broke away. A piece of myself that I didn’t get back for the next three years.

And knowing I was breaking Alex’s heart too, I left.

...

My heart pounded as I turn the steering wheel of my car, the sight of my old street coming into view. The swallow gets stuck in my throat as my house comes into sight.

“Mama!” I hear Emma scream from behind me. I glance back at her just as we pull to a halt in front of my parent’s home. She was pointing out the window. “Look at tha kitty!” I smile at her and tell her we were here. She squeals.

I take a deep breath before pulling my car door open.

A large feeling of nostalgia weighed me down as I scan my old childhood street. It looked almost exactly the same, save for new cars or paint jobs here and there. I force myself to keep my eyes away from the house five doors down as I round the car, pulling open the backseat.

“Ready to go, Ems?” I grin, unbuckling her from her car seat. She nods enthusiastically, her brown eyes shining up at me. I wince coyly, those brown eyes reminding me so much of another person’s.

I perch her on my hip before slamming the door shut with my foot. I huff out as I look back toward my house, biting my bottom lip.

“What’s this, Mommy?” Emma asks, her hand playing with a chunk of my blonde hair absentmindedly. I grin at her, but it felt a bit forced. My eyes travel back down the street, shifting her so she was more comfortable. “Where ah we?”

I exhale slowly, rubbing her back. “Home, Emma. This is home.”