Spinning Out of Control

“I’m sorry, Ravyn,” Alex murmurs as he brings me a cup of coffee, handing it to me. “This is all my fault. I should have—“

“It’s isn’t your fault at all,” I interrupt him, taking a sip of my coffee. Alex remembered exactly how I like it. Cream and three sugars. “Actually, it’s my fault.” I give a bitter laugh at this, shaking my head as I cup my drink to warm my fingers. “I never told you about her. You didn’t know she was allergic to marshmallows.”

He bites down on his bottom lip as he sits down, his own hands clutching a cup of coffee. I could tell he felt tremendously guilty. Which is redundant, since I should be the one feeling guilty. And I feel guiltier than you could imagine.

“Still—”

“Alex, please don’t blame this on you,” I breathe, squeezing my eyes shut when I felt tears prick again. “I can’t let you take the fall when I know it’s my wrong doing.”

He gives a heavy sigh, finally nodding after a few moments of hesitance. He sips at his coffee. “They said they’re letting us into see her soon.” I don’t respond. “Rae, you can calm down. They said everything was fine.”

I shake my head. “It’s been four hours. How can everything be fine?”

“You have to trust me.”

I close my eyes at those last five words, my chest practically caving in. “I do trust you,” I murmur, looking away so my face was no longer angled towards his. “I’ve always trusted you.”

There was a hefty silence before he pulls me into a hug, laying a kiss on the crown of my head. I take a deep breath, breathing in the smell of Alex—mint and a hint of cinnamon—before burrowing my face above his collarbone. I forgot how warm it felt to be held by him. Like every worry in the world couldn’t break through the barrier of his arms.

It was a few minutes later that we’re interrupted, a doctor in a white lab coat walking in. He heads straight for us, my heart dropping at the thin line of his lips as he looked down at his clipboard of charts. I launch to my feet, almost stumbling, but Alex stood up quickly and righted me.

“Is she all right?” I cry immediately, my pulse pounding in my ears loudly.

He nods, the relief flooding my body like a drug. “You may see her if you’d like.”

“You bet your ass I’d like to,” I growl, practically sprinting out of the waiting room and down the hall to the room I’d memorized the placement of the moment I got up here.

I throw open the door to Emma’s room, my vision going away seeing her sitting in that hospital bed, coloring in a coloring book like absolutely nothing tragic had just happened to her. Her little head looks up at the sound of the door opening, a small grin widening her face. “Mommy!” That one word made my knees week and I run over, crying as I pull her into my chest. “Awe you okway?”

“I’m fine,” I sniff, wiping at the tears with the back of my hands. “Just happy to see you, boo.”

She grins. “I’m right here, Mommy!”

I laugh, smoothing her springing curls down with my hand. “Yes, you’re right here. And I’m right here too.” I kiss her head, sniffing again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She smiles and moves back against her pillows, patting the spot that she made for me beside her. I smile, moving to her left and plopping down. Emma picks up a crayon and continues coloring, not even bothered that she was in a hospital.

“Are you feeling all right?” I ask her, looking into her little eyes.

She nods. “I wasn’t before, but I’m better now.”

I felt myself relax, as if my muscles were just programmed to calm down at her acceptance to all of this. I pull her into my chest again, inhaling her Strawberry scented shampoo, kissing her mass of curls. “I’m glad,” I murmur to her, scooting her over so I could fit on the bed better. I could just feel that hole in my heart healing as I look down at my healthy daughter, the smile on my face making my cheeks hurt.

Alex was on the other side of the bed, his hand on Emma’s shoulder. “Daddy, do you wanna col-wer with me?” she asks, picking up a green crayon and holding it out to him. I felt my grin widen as I give Alex a knowing look.

He laughs. “If you—”

“Alex?!” The desperate cry floated down the hall until it was heard by said boy, his head whipping toward the open door as his brows scrunch. My own do as well. “Alex?! Where are you?!”

I peer out the door and my jaw drops a bit as I see Jasmine running down the hall. She was in a white mini skirt, a yellow halter top, and gold heels. Even though I knew she was probably a bit worried as to why Alex had left her a voicemail that he was at the hospital, I couldn’t help thinking that that outfit was a bit unorthodox for where she was at the moment.

She runs into our room minutes later, her hair wild and face red.

“What the hell happened?” she gasps, glancing around frantically. “I got a voicemail at the airport saying you were at the hospital and no one would tell me why—”

“Jaz,” Alex says calmly, “everything’s fine. Emma just—”

“Emma?” she says, her mouth so far open that it was like someone was shoving something down her throat. “My poor baby!” She runs over to the bed, bile rising in my throat as she places a hand on my child’s shoulder. “Sweetie, are you all right?”

Emma nods. “I’m fine, Jazzy.”

Jasmine breathes a sigh of relief. “Good. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”

I was angry that she was acting like Emma was her child that my bottom teeth were grinding painfully against my top teeth and my vision was going red. Alex fortunately noticed the look on my face and pulled his girlfriend away from my daughter. I put my arm around Emma protectively, like a lion protecting it’s cub. Which was my right to do.

“I want to be alone with Emma, if that’s okay,” I mutter towards Jasmine, my eyes still narrowed. She gives me an incredulous look like I was insane.

“All right,” Alex nods. “I’ll take Jasmine outside.”

Then he leads her away, allowing my angry scowl to slip off my face.

Alex.

I lead Jasmine out into the hallway, dodging hurrying nurses and doctors. That look on Ravyn’s face was one I’d seen numerous times. It was a look I’d recognized to get your shit and get out before someone gets hurt.

And Jasmine was the one I just saved from getting hurt.

“Okay,” Jasmine says, yanking her arm out of my grip. “Tell me what happened right now before I blow a fuse.”

“I gave Emma hot chocolate with marshmallows this morning, but didn’t know she was allergic to them,” I tell her. “It was a mistake.” I tell her about how we got her to the hospital on time and nothing was wrong. I omit the part about seeing Ravyn naked, the image still burned in my mind, knowing it would just set Jasmine off further.

Said girl swallows. “So Emma’s all right?”

I nod. “The doctor informed us that everything is fine.”

“So,” Jasmine says slowly, “you gave marshmallows to Emma, not knowing at all that she was allergic to them? See, Alex?! I knew something like this would happen. Since she failed to mention you had a child, you didn’t know whether or not to give her something she’s allergic to.”

“Jasmine,” I say firmly, “I am not in the mood to argue about this for the nth time. I just finished stressing our, so please just leave me alone about it for now.”

She groans, running a hand through her hair. “Don’t you get it, Alex? How can you not be mad that she kept this huge secret from you? Doesn’t it frustrate you that there is this daughter you had no idea existed? Doesn’t that make you a little angry?!”

“Yes!” I hiss, so tired of her nagging that I wanted to reach out a pull her dark hair out of her scalp. “It made me angry at first. I was infuriated with Ravyn because she didn’t tell me. But guess what? I got over it. Because I love Emma with every cell in my body since she is my child. And whether you like it or not, I love Ravyn too!”

Jasmine jaw drops open. “You love her?”

“Of course I love her. She’s the mother of my child. I didn’t say I’m in love with her. I’ve already been there, I would know if I was in love with Ravyn or not,” I breathe out deeply. “Can we just not talk about this? I am tired, I am still stressed and worried, and I just want to see my daughter.”

Her chin quivers a bit, my insides twisting as a pool of tears makes its way into her eyes. Finally she nods. “Yeah. You’re right. Let’s go and see her.”

As she steps toward the door, I hesitate before grabbing her arm.

She turns her head to look at me, her brows furrowing. “What is it?”

“I think…” I clear my throat awkwardly, looking away. “I think it would be best if she just saw her parents, you know? Ravyn and I kinda want some alone time with out daughter for right now.”
Her jaw clenches, her eyes narrowing. But she kept her voice neutral. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

I ignore her bitter look before moving past her and walking back toward the room.