Spinning Out of Control

"Happy birthday to you!"

Everyone was singing around Emma where she was in her little chair, the cake set up in front of her with it's three candles placed among the pink and white frosting. She was grinning and giggling.

"Happy birthday to you!"

I look around, my throat running dry. I couldn't breathe. Why? I shake my head to try and clear my thoughts. It wasn't working. I take a deep breath and breathe out loudly. Good thing everyone was looking at Emma because I'm pretty sure I was swaying 'cause I suddenly feel dizzy.

"Happy birthday dear Emma..."

I choke as I try to suck air in.

"Happy birthday to you-u-u-u!"

I gulp and clap with the rest of the guests, trying to keep my composure. Emma blows out her candles, smiling as the smoke curls up from the burnt ends of her candles. I tried to smile but I could feel the sterile feel of it pressing at my cheeks. So I let it fall, watching as Alex bends down to press a kiss to his daughter's forehead. I about lost it.

A tear runs down my face. I don't know why I'm so upset; I just am.

"Jack," I murmur. Said boy in front of me turns around, smile on his face. He drops it when he sees me. "Tell Emma I'll be right back, okay?" He nods, crinkling his brows.

I walk away before he can ask any questions.

I walk off into the backyard, the pavement moving out from beneath my feet and being replaced with soft grass. I take a deep breath, smelling the night air. It wasn't helping. I walk more, passing by trees and bushes and stopping when I come upon it for the second time tonight. I stare at it, trying to calm myself down. Why did I walk over here? Did I think seeing this all over again would help? Do I have a death wish?

The gazebo.

The gazebo where Alex proposed to me. The gazebo where Alex first kissed me in high school. The gazebo where Alex and I used to spend countless hours sitting, talking, reading, sleeping—whatever. We did everything here.

And I mean everything.

And before I could stop myself, more tears were falling and I was walking over to the gazebo, ascending the steps until I was in the center of it, looking at the little benches and I was crying harder, harder than I'd ever cried before because it just wasn't fair and I have to fall to my knees in order to contain myself.

I try to calm myself down by thinking about Emma. Emma's birthday. Emma blowing out her candles. Alex stood beside her. Jasmine stood beside him. Fuck! I take a pair of mental scissors and cut her out of the picture. Emma and Alex. Emma and Alex and...

Emma and Alex and me.

I didn't stop crying, but it was a start. The sobs flowed into hiccups until my chest no longer hurt and my lungs opened up. I shakily get to my feet.

"Rae? Are you all right?"

I turn around at the sound of Alex's voice, my hands instinctively going up to wipe the tears off my face. "Yeah," I nod, seeing him coming up the steps into the gazebo. "I'm fine. Just...needed some time to myself."

He hesitantly comes into the gazebo fully, looking around much like I did. I don't watch him to do it, instead continuing to wipe at my face. "Why are you crying?" he finally asks.

I shake my head. "One of my contacts fell out so I had to put it back in dry. It hurt."

"You don't wear contacts nor glasses."

I swallow. "Fine. I was crying." I finish cleaning my face, but I knew I still looked puffy and disgusting. "Why aren't you with Emma? She waited for you to get here before you showed up two hours late." I give him a glare. He averts his gaze to the ground. "Why were you late anyway?"

He shrugs. "Jasmine and I got in a fight. We made up. End of story."

I felt a sour taste fill my mouth. I did not want to know how they made up. "Oh. Just wondering. Emma had asked me earlier." Lie. But Alex doesn't comment on it.

"Why were you crying?" he repeats, looking at me again.

I could hear the sounds of the party start up again. From my viewpoint I saw my mom cutting the cake and handing out slices. Music started playing. People gathered in groups and talked and laughed. I look away before I can get worked up again. "I don't know," I reply honestly. "I was just sad." I move over to one of the railings of the gazebo, grabbing hold of it and looking up at the sky.

Alex stays silent for a bit, but I could feel his eyes on me. He speaks after a good three minutes of silence.

"Do you remember what happened the last time we were in this gazebo?"

"Of course I do," I reply without hesitation. "Why wouldn't I?"

This he didn't have an answer for. He falls quiet again. My eyes slip closed as I take a sharp breath through my nose. Last time we were here was when he proposed to me. When he got down on one knee and requested we be together.

Forever.

I could feel my throat get thick with the prospect of tears again but I swallow it down. I grip the railing of the gazebo tighter, my palms cutting into the wood. I grit my teeth as I see Jasmine from afar, swinging my daughter around like it was all fine and fucking dandy.

"Look, Rae—"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Start in again on things about Jasmine," I mutter, opening my eyes. "You've had many chances to break it off with her. But yet, you haven't." I regret it the moment it comes out of my mouth.

"Rae, look, I—"

"No," I say, still not looking at him. "I don't want your apology. I want..."

I don't finish it. He already knew the end of it. More terse silence. Then I feel his arms wrap around me from behind, his lips pressing against my head in a comforting touch. I feel myself sink into him even though I tried to force myself not to. I did anyway. My arms folded over his and his fingers pushed into my skin so hard I felt that there would be marks. "Please, just let me deal with it," he murmurs in my ear. "I'm trying."

"I know," I murmur back. "I'm just tired of waiting."

I could feel himself give a small smile. "But at least you're waiting for me."

I smile back as well, turning around in his arms. I curl my arms around his neck and my lips to his in a heated kiss. "I'll always wait for you."