You Don't Believe in God, I Don't Believe in Luck

*Dannie’s P.O.V.*

Another fucking day in my fucking stupid school that I had to attend every day. Not that I could complain; my brothers had told me not to come to school today, but I wanted to go. I wouldn’t be the weak girl now; I would be even tougher than before, that was for sure.
I got to my school, not really wanting to go inside, and thanking God some of my class mates were outside; only two of them knew about my sister status, the rest of them didn’t know she had cancer, and not even that she was dead. Not that the other two knew she was dead, but it was okay, I was going to tell them, for sure.
- Good morning, bitch – my guy friend (one of the two that knew about my sister) greeted me, and, usually, I’d just greet him back with some kind of insult, but today I wasn’t in the mood.
- Not so good – I replied, and he instantly came closer to me, knowing it would have something to do with my sister.
– What’s up? – He whispered to me, and I made a gesture with my head, to tell him with no words that we’d talk later.
All of a sudden, my already fucked up day turned even worst.
- What’s with all the black, Dannie? Did anyone died? – The girl I hate the most in my class asked from beyond me, and the look on my face told my guy friend that that was the reason I seemed so much sadder today.
I turned around, instantly putting my school bag on the floor, and walking towards that hateful whore; my friend tried to stop me, knowing that I’d hurt her, for sure, but he couldn’t.
- What the fuck did you asked me? – I gasped through my teeth, really close to her.
- Oh, come on; you’re all black and that, do you think that will make people notice you? – She asked me, and I stood there for a while, ‘cause I knew she would say something more. – It would work best if you dressed as a whore, like your sister does!
Holy fuck.
- No, you didn’t just insulted my sister… - I said, and my guy friend, that had managed to grab my arm, let go of it.
- Why? She doesn’t seem to like you that much… But what, are you going to protect her, is it? Oh, poor Sara, she can’t even protect herself… Weak bitch, that’s what she is! – The girl replied, and I grabbed her collar from the shirt, shaking her strongly.
- She fucking died yesterday, you fucking whore! – I said, then, letting her go.
- Oh… Sorry, I didn’t know… - She replied, surprised, but I knew that she wasn’t truly sorry; she only said that to calm me down, but it wouldn’t work.
- No, you’re not fucking sorry bitch, you said that just because! – I told her, and then punched her on the face, so hard she started bleeding from the cheek. – Fuck you, you little bug! You’re fucking annoying, and you’re cynical and a bastard!
I started punching her harder, and I eventually hit her nose, which started bleeding too, and her eye, which would make a big black bruise; I was going to punch her stomach, but someone grabbed me by my arms, trapping them behind my back, and pulling me away from her.
- Are you all crazy? Why didn’t anyone stop her? With this rhythm she would kill that girl, for fuck’s sake! – A mature voice said from behind me; I was pretty sure I recognized that voice, but I wasn’t really on the mood to run through the voices I knew in that morning; besides, I could barely hear his voice straight, since My Chemical Romance was pumping on my ears; I could only understand he was a grown-up man.
- That girl deserved to be killed – my guy friend told him, and instantly explained himself. – She insulted her sister, who died yesterday with cancer…
At that moment, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe; I had no strength to hand myself on, and the music on my ears (“This Is How I Disappear”) seemed to understand that quite well.
- “Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on, figure out
I'm really not so with you anymore I'm just a ghost.
So I can't hurt you anymore, so I can't hurt you anymore!” – Gerard was singing, making me cry even harder; this song was my dark paradise, where all my sorrow would be released. You know that feeling when you’re not in the place you used to be, and the only thing you can hear is your music? You know when you feel like nothing else can understand you but the voice and instruments pumping into your head? You know when you can only hear one of your favorite bands singing, like if it was for you? I was feeling that; I couldn’t seem to be in the guy’s arms anymore, I was in a dark deep whole, along with my music.
By the time that part ended, my earphones fell down, and I cursed them instantly; they were my safe spot, my little haven that took away the reality of that moment. I got back to the real life, still crying, and understood that the guy who had been grabbing me turned me around and hugged me
- Hey, are you okay? – The boy asked, from a spot above my head; I had my head buried on his chest, turning his shirt really wet with my painful tears.
I didn’t dare looking up; I just needed to calm myself down a little bit. I hugged the guy back, and he started rubbing his hands up and down my back, trying to calm me down; I could surely use some of his help to do it, since I couldn’t even stand on my own feet without my legs trembling. We kept hugging each other for a while, but then the reality hit me: he was waiting for an answer; but worst: I was hugging a complete stranger.
- I’m not okay – I told him, and he started humming one of my favorite songs: “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance, one of my favorite bands ever.
I wasn’t a long dated fan; I had only started to really listen to them this year, but still I was more fan that whoever I knew: I knew almost all their songs, I had created a group to bring them to Portugal, I had even tried to tweet Frank Iero from that group’s twitter, for fuck’s sake! I didn’t had posters of them all around my room, firstly because I share… used to share it with my sister, and secondly because I’m planning on moving to the USA or Britain when I’m eighteen, so, there’s no point of sticking posters on the walls; I didn’t have any t-shirts from the band or anything, but that was only because my brothers never got me to where I could buy them, but I was planning on doing a trip there all by my own, some day, just to get them (yeah, I plan a lot of shit, I know).
- I know how it feels like to lose someone so important to you… - the guy said, and it all became clear to me: why did I recognized his voice, why his humming constantly replayed inside my head like an actual song, why I didn’t even bother being in his arms…
- Gerard Way? – I asked, slowly getting away from his chest to look up at him; no doubt it was him.
I mean, who else could have that hair color? Who else could have so bright hazel eyes? Who else could have that slight lip fall to the right? Answer: no one could. This was the unique and perfect Gerard Way. His voice replayed inside my head, and I could now match it to MCR’s songs, and further, match it to the interviews I had seen online of the guys. Yep, 100% match, despite his voice seemed a little bit different, live; maybe… sadder?
- What happened? – I asked, now being my turn to worry about him; he looked like he was about to cry, and after reminiscing about what could be doing this to him, I remember. – Holy fuck, forget about my question… I don’t want to make you talk about it, ‘kay? Just… fuck, just hug me! – I said in a hurry, not wanting him to refuse, and hugged him, as he buried his face in my hair, and I felt it get wet. – Christ, Gerard, please don’t cry…
He didn’t reply, but I felt him calm down as I moved my hands on his back, slowly; he calmed at the pace of their circle moves, and after a while, he wasn’t crying anymore, just hugging me and regaining his breath.
- Sorry about that – he said to me, and his fresh puff hit the top of my head, making some of my hairs go all “ecstatically-getting-up mood”, and making me shiver unremarkably. – I didn’t mean for you to be helping me, instead of me helping you… I just wanted you to know you’re not in this alone.
- You already told me that before – I told him, not letting go of our embrace, but looking up to smile at him.
- When? – He asked, so confused I almost burst out laughing at his expression; you know that expression that clowns do when they are really trying to show they are confused for the chair behind them to have disappeared, and they had fell on the ground? That was Gerard’s expression.
- “You’re not in this alone, let me break this awkward silence, let me go!” – I sang to him, as he stared at my eyes, his expression changing from confused to amazed. – And it wasn’t only on that song, every single song from you just makes me feel I’m not alone through this lost, you know? Ever since I started listening to MCR, I never felt alone with the pain, anymore; I had always that creepy amazing band to help me through…
- So, a big fan, hun? How lucky am I to find one of those when coming here for vacation? – He said, in kind of a joking tone, despite I could still feel his voice tense from the pain; still, his lips parted slightly showing me a tiny bright small smile, with his cute square little teeth, that lightened my day and made me feel… strange.
- Not for a long time, but I think I’m the biggest fan you could find here, actually – I told him, and he giggled for one single second, his pain disappearing from his eyes as he replied, still holding me in his arms.
- Hum, I can see you’re a modest girl, right? – He said, mocking me with a kind voice, and I almost kissed the smirk he now had on his lips. Wait, what?
- Usually I am, but when I’m the only fan who cares enough to create a group on facebook and twitter to bring you here, I feel like I can brag a bit – I told him, smirking too and unfortunately getting away from his arms.
That’s when I noticed we were alone; not completely alone, since there were some people walking by the street and shit like that, but all my schoolmates (and I say schoolmates, ‘cause I’m referring to everyone who attended my school) had disappeared. I went to my wrist red watch, to check what time it was, and understood I was half an hour later for my classes.
- Holy crap, Gerard, I have to fucking go, I’m fucking late! – I said, then moving to my pocket to grab my phone, to turn the music off; when I moved my hands, I grabbed the fallen headphones, and when I was about to roll them over my cell-phone, I noticed I had a text.
“I already told the teachers you’re not coming; just get some time with him, if you get me, bitch :b I’m kidding, you know that. Just don’t get the fucking here, okay? You’re still shaken from her… death, so, get some time to think. Don’t even consider come inside, or I’ll kick you out of here. Je t’aime «3”, the message read. Of course, he wouldn’t let me go to classes knowing what happened to my sister, and knowing I wouldn’t take any bullshit today; anyway, I wouldn’t pay any attention to the classes, so, what if I skipped? I considered it for a while… Gerard was still in front of me, standing on his place, maybe waiting for me to say goodbye or something… Why not show him around? I mean, if he was in Portugal, maybe he’d like to get to know where he was, right? I nodded my head, answering to my own mind-question, and typed on my cell-phone a quick “thanks, love you too” reply to my guy friend; I would have to thank him properly, later.
- In fact, I’m skipping school today – I stated to Gerard, as he watched me put my phone back on my leather jacket pocket, and turning my head to him. – Want me to guide you somewhere? – I asked, half-smiling, although it couldn’t really be reflected on my eyes.
- Okay – he said, still looking a bit shocked as I passed from hurry to relax, in just a few seconds. – Hum, do you think you could tell me some hotels in the area, please? I rented a car when I got here, yesterday, and slept in it, ‘cause I have no idea on where there is an hotel, but it hurts a bit sleep there for like, three whole months in a fucking back-seat of a car – he told me, and my eyes opened wide.
- Really? You’re spending three months here? – I asked, an expectative smile spreading across my face; in less than one month, my summer vacations would begin, too… Hey, retarded, stop being such a fucking dreamer, he probably won’t give a crap for you after you showed him the city and shit a little voice inside my head told me, and, stupidly, I believed it; enough to make my smile disappear and my mood to quickly change into sadness.
- Yep, three whole months; and after that, is quite possible MCR is playing here – he replied, smiling back, despite my smile had disappeared; I looked away from him, just looking at the horizon, and he, soon enough, tried to regain my attention to him. – So, hum, aren’t you excited? You seemed quite a fan…
I wondered for a while if I should really reply to him; I’d probably end up telling him how his band had affected me so fucking much after my parent’s death (well, actually, when I really started listening to them… anyway). I sighed deeply, and looked at him for two seconds, looking at the sky, next. Some clouds were moving in, and they would pour some cold fantastic rain soon; I thanked God from the rain that started pouring on me, washing away my confusion, my sadness (not all of it, but a tiny bit), my anger towards myself, and making my own tears to crave their way through my eyelids. Right after it had started raining, I was hoping Gerard would come and take me to his car, but, when he didn’t, I figured he had left me alone, thinking on how freak I looked just staring at the rain pouring on my face; I took that opportunity to take my hands to my face, taking my glasses off and blurring my make-up (black eye-shadow and eye-liner, in fact), making it fall through my face and smug my fingers. Then, I started sobbing, and making silent questions to the sky.
“Why did you take her away?”
“Why did you take them away?”
“Why do you keep putting me through such sorrow?”
“Why the fuck do you hate me?”
Then, I heard sobbing that surely didn’t belong to me, since mine were hysterical, and those were quite; I looked away from the sky, and saw Gerard, still on the same spot as before, looking at the ground, and at the point of breaking down, from what I could see.
I was right, he broke down; as soon as I looked at him, he fell on his knees and torn his head to the sky, screaming:
- WHY? – He was still on his knees, and didn’t dare to move, even though I took steps closer to him. – WHY DID YOU TAKE HER? WHY DID YOU ALWAYS HURT ME? – He continued, begging for an answer to come from the clouds, along with the raindrops.
I had to do something about him; I couldn’t just stand there and watch him burn (well, not literally, but fuck, he was burning inside). I knelt in front of him and took his head on my hands, caressing his tears away from his cheeks.
- “Come on, angel, don’t you cry” – I sang to him, not really knowing if that would make him feel better, but really hoping it would; I then decided I should start the song from the beginning. – “Gonna take off all my skin, tear apart all of my insides…” – I kept singing, watching as his tears started to fade (which is awkward for me to state, since there were raindrops all over his face and I couldn’t make a huge difference between them and the tears, but okay) and the sobs disappeared; as soon as there were no sobs, he was singing along with me, making me smile a tiny bit only by hearing his voice live for the first time. – “Can’t find my way home, but it’s through you and I know what I’d do just to get back in her arms.”
We kept singing until the song ended, and then stood under the rain a little longer, looking in each other’s eyes and just calming our selves down.
- So, will you show me around? – He asked, his voice soft and smooth reaching my ears as the voice of an angel. – I still need somewhere to sleep, after all.
I sighed and got up instantly, and then reached out my hand so he’d get up along with me; he took it and I almost fell when he pulled his body upwards, but, luckily, I got the strength to stay straight up. He then walked me to his rented car, and I sat on the front seat, without him even asking if I was old enough and he started the engine right away, as I directed him to a hotel near the shopping on the big city.
- Gosh, I didn’t even notice there was a hotel in here – he said, giggling; I didn’t laugh along with him, since I was too torn down by my sister’s death, yet. – Hey, are you okay?
- Not really, Gee – I said, collapsing on my attempts to call him Gerard, and calling him the nickname I was so used to call him when with my friends. – I mean, fuck, my sister died yesterday, and I’m here chillin’ like it’s just another normal day in my fucking life; I should be home, with my brothers, just crying with them or on my bed fighting with my pillow, or just slitting my wrists… - Okay, I let slip a little more info than I need to, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t notice it…
- WHAT THE FUCK? – He snapped at me, lucking at me briefly, just about to park the car. – Slit your wrists!? Are you crazy? You shouldn’t do that! Gosh, are you insane?