How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

It was getting out without my mother spotting that was the trouble. I ended up having to go through the window, but not before I’d bagged the beer bottles and sprayed a liberal amount of air freshener around the room, just in case. It was better she didn’t know about all this – I figured, even if Tyler woke up and opened the door, she wouldn’t be able to find anything incriminating. I wasn’t sure how the choking haze of “early spring stream” could be explained, but whatever. And when I say haze, I do mean haze. It was so thick I could almost see it floating through the air like some sort of sinister gas.

I felt bad for Tyler, feeling sure the strong scent would probably just add to whatever headache his hangover would produce, but there really was nothing to be done. I tried futilely to wave the smog out of the window, which cleared the room up a little. That would have to do. Shooting Tyler an apologetic look, even though he’d never see it, I turned and hoisted myself through the open window.

In hindsight, the air freshener probably wasn’t the best idea…

I dropped to the grass, bending my knees and absorbing the impact like any good ninja would do. However, this didn’t do much for a silent getaway, considering the lawn was still covered with dead leaves I’d been told to rake a week ago. In my opinion, raking leaves should be considered child labor. So as usual, I decided to pretend I hadn’t heard, as was the result of any chore my parents ever asked of me.

The night seemed to thin as I made my way towards the street, so that every crunch and curse reverberated in my head and screamed in my brain. Screams that sounded like “Get the hell back to your boyfriend!”, “You’re going to wake up the whole fucking block with that noise!”, and “Why are you wearing that neon orange sweatshirt again?”. It sounded like my grandma’s voice, but then again, anything having remotely to do with nagging registered as Grandma, simply because she couldn’t breathe for telling you off. But I love her chocolate cakes, so I put up with it. She actually lives right down the block…not that I visit her too often, though. I don’t think she likes me much, she’s always screeching insults at me.

For some reason, I found myself speculating about my parents as I started down the street. What were they going to say when I came out to them? Oh wait…my mom already thinks I’m gay. And my father – well, he never is around much anymore. My parents aren’t divorced, but my dad works in Chicago and has taken to staying there months at a time so that he can get extra done, what with the that economic downturn and all. I wondered if my mom had ever told him about my…sexuality. She was staying with him at the moment, because she felt bad he’d be there alone for another two weeks –

I slapped my forehead. Right. My mom had left for the airport a couple of days ago. There had been no need for the removal of the beer bottles, which I had just chucked into the nearest garbage can, or the excess of air freshener. Damn. My brain really must be shot from all that alcohol. No more drinking for me…

But at least the cool air was serving well to clear my head. The spinning sensation and the blurriness seemed to be gone, though I still felt queasy and my head was pounding. Poor Tyler…this was going to be a hell of a lot worse for him, he drank more than I did. I wondered if he’d even remember last night. Honestly, I felt a little mortified by it all, and I didn’t quite want to retell everything so soon. But I guess if he didn’t remember…then, all the better. I lifted a hand to my lips and smiled, though I knew no one could see. I’d just have to recreate it for him.

Something struck me as strange. Why had he been crying, anyway? That was the only detail that seemed to be slipping my mind…

Shrugging to myself, I dismissed this thought as soon as I thumped up Sam’s porch and knocked on the door. A single dull light was swinging above me, giving the impression that my shadow was rocking back and forth in fear, just as I had been merely half an hour previously.

“Coming!” Not to my surprise, it was Lena’s voice that answered. She was always at Sam’s house, they were nearly as close as Tyler and I.

I shivered and looked down at myself. All I was wearing was a thin, neon orange sweatshirt over my jeans. I had hurriedly thrown it on, too eager to get here to worry that it might be cold outside. I hadn’t even bothered with shoes, which was why I was now dancing on the balls of my feet to keep them warm. Then I mentally kicked myself, realizing I’d just left the window open and Tyler was probably freezing to death too back in my room. I had half a mind to turn around right now, run home, leap back into bed, and cuddle with him. The cold wouldn’t be bad with him by my side...or we could just close the window, I guess…

The door creaked open and Lena poked her head out into the cold. Her eyes widened when she spotted me. “Nick!”

I pushed inside, too eager to get out of the cold to play around with manners. “Yeah. It’s me.” I was surprised to hear my voice sound so…warm and pleasant. As though there was nothing on my mind at all.

She grabbed my arm bodily and dragged me into the living room, where she pushed me down onto the couch and stood over me with fire in her eyes.

“What?” I said reproachfully, rubbing my wrist. When Lena wanted to be, she was unusually strong for her size.

“Explain!”

“Explain what?” I complained. I wasn’t sure what I did, but there were other things I really needed to talk about. “Where’s Sam?”

She planted her hands on her hips and glared. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

“My boyfriend?”

“Tyler,” she snapped. “Or is your hangover so bad you can’t answer simple questions?”

“How did you know about t-that?” I spluttered, a flush rising up into my face. Oh no. Don’t tell me anyone saw us…

“There was a rather unconvincing excuse on your door, so Sam and I investigated.”

“You mean you violated my privacy and looked in the window.”

She shrugged. “Whatever, Nick. Point is, you left Tyler drunk in your empty house –”

“He’s asleep!”

“And you got him drunk –”

“No, he got me drunk!”

She rolled her eyes. “Still. Drinking is bad. You two shouldn’t have done it.”

“God Lena, is that what this is about?” I groaned. “Another ‘no drinking, no drugs’ lecture? It’s none of your business!”

“You could have gotten of alcohol poisoning! You could have done something stupid! You could have DIED!”

“Calm down, Lena!” Sam’s voice boomed as he came hurtling down the stairs, nearly tripping over a chair in his haste to shake her. “Jesus, they’re not children! They can take care of themselves.”

Lena turned her glare to Sam and pointed an accusing finger at me, appealing to him for help. She huffed angrily, but no words seemed to come out. Sam laughed. “Really Lena, we’re not in second grade anymore. People drink in high school. It’s part of life. It’s not our fault you’re so naïve and stuck in the old times.”

“Says the guy who still listens to sixties music,” she retorted, but the angry look had melted off her face. That was one of the best things about Lena, she never stayed mad.

“Really, for such a genius you really don’t know anything about real life.” Sam chuckled, grinning at her. “Now sit down and shut up.”

I took this as an opportunity to interject. “Guys –”

“What brings you to my porch, anyway? We assumed you’d keep sleeping, considering you did it all through school,” Sam said, punching me in the arm. “Bastard. Lunch was so boring without you and Tyler making a spectacle of yourselves. And you got to skip classes…”

I surveyed the both of them seriously. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

And then I blurted out everything.