How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

The whole story.

Everything since that fated day where Tyler and I talked in the closet after I’d spent the rest of Spanish class moping about my D. Except I left out all of the…gay stuff. Including kiss number two and our little drunk makeout session – Lena and Sam must have left before that, since they didn’t bring it up while I explained.

I finished talking with a sigh. “So anyway, it’s been about two months and all this fake dating is starting to bore me. The joke’s up.”

“You could’a told me!” Sam protested, looking a little hurt. “You trust me, don’t you?”

Lena muttered something that sounded like “blabbermouth”.

“Well, I tried telling Lena…but…uh, she didn’t believe me.” I looked at him apologetically. “I assumed you wouldn’t believe it either. Hell…do you guys even believe me now?”

Sam grinned. “So it was all a joke? Damn Fischer, you really had us…”

Lena folded her arms and shot him a look. “But they kissed!”

“All part of the joke,” I said quickly, waving this away. “We had to validate things, didn’t we?”

Sam wrinkled his nose. “Wasn’t it…awkward?”

“That was why we avoided each other the next day. There wasn’t a fight, we just couldn’t look each other in the eyes until you two forced us to,” I explained truthfully.

Lena leaned back against the sofa, staring at me piercingly, the way she would contemplate a particularly difficult math problem. I was struck by how much this would have made me blush me back when I liked – or at least thought I liked – her. Back when I thought I was straight, back when I dismissed any thoughts of Tyler’s attractiveness. I passed them off as nothing, because girls called each other pretty all the time and I assumed this was the same sort of thing – merely admiration.

“…and that was why you did it?”

“What?” I’d been too lost in thought to catch most of her words.

Sam rolled his eyes. “She asked if you two had an ulterior motive for this whole thing. Other than just to have a blast tricking us all.”

“Was it Sophie?” Lena added eagerly, leaning forward again.

I paused. But then I figured I might as well admit to it, I’d already told them so much. “Yeah. She couldn’t let go of Tyler, so we…”

“Made her?” She pursed her lips, glancing downward and toying with a bit of the stitching on the couch. “Wasn’t that…wrong?”

I shrugged. “I love Soph, but she can be so clingy. Trust me, this was all for her own good. And Tyler’s. I swear, I almost expected her to throw him down a staircase or something when he kept telling her they were over.”

“It was still underhanded.”

“Give it a rest, Li-li,” Sam interjected. “No one cares about morals.”

Lena smacked him in the back of the head, though a tiny grin flitted across her face. “I told you not to call me that.”

“Li-li!” Sam’s lips curled into a big smile.

Maybe I never noticed this because I used to like Lena, but…she and Sam would make a damn good couple. Perfects complements for each other. The nerd and the class clown, the serious and the joker. Maybe that’s why they were best friends.

“You are SUCH an ass.” She rolled her eyes at me, inclining her head in Sam’s direction. “Isn’t he?”

Before I could so much as smile at this, Sam shoved his shoulder into Lena’s and nearly knocked her off the couch. “Sorry about that, Li-li. But aren’t we getting a little off topic?” he asked seriously. This was so unlike Sam that the two of us just stared for a second, watching him quirk an eyebrow up in response to our silence. “What?”

I laughed briefly, more at Sam’s face than his words. I’d always wondered how he could raise just one eyebrow like that – whenever I tried, both of them seemed to go up at the same time. It was intensely frustrating.

“So anyway…” Lena said, fixing her green eyes back on me. “You aren’t gay?”

I groaned and stuffed my face into my hands. This was that moment, the moment I’d come here for. So I could tell someone what was REALLY up and get all this shit off my chest. “Uh…”

Sam’s fist rammed itself into my shoulder as he chuckled affectionately. “Of course not. Did you hear him? God, I wish I could have been in on a prank like that…”

I opened my mouth with a determined air, but my words stuck in my throat and choked off all speech. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. Fucking typical of me. Couldn’t admit it to myself, now can’t admit it to others. I guess I was just a coward. As proof to this assessment, I closed my mouth again and stood up, shooting an apologetic look at the two of them.

“Where are you going?” Sam asked indignantly. “You just got here! Don’t leave me stuck with…” His voice trailed off as he threw a glance at Lena, who made a face at him in reply. “She’ll make me do my math homework!”

I rocked backward and forward on the balls of my feet for a moment, scanning my brain for some sort of excuse. “I have to get back to Tyler. You know,” I said with a short laugh, an undertone of sarcasm to my voice, “I left him all alone and hungover.”

“So you’re just going to tell us it was all a joke and leave?” Lena asked incredulously. “Stupid reason to come over, you could have just said it at school…”

Not having a valid response, I merely shrugged and spun on my heel. A retching sickness churned in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if this was just the hangover acting up or disgust at myself for being too much of a fucking coward to admit I was gay. The funny thing was, I kind of already had…only the first time, it had been a complete lie, so it had been a lot easier. But now? I was walking away from the only help I could get because I didn’t have the balls.

Well. There was always Vickie and Sophie, but they lived towards the other side of town and I was NOT walking all the way there. Plus, if I didn’t have the courage to tell Sam and Lena then why would I be able to admit anything to them?

This had been a completely moronic idea. I’d wanted my close friends to know the truth, but now I didn’t even have an excuse to be gay with Tyler in public anymore. Feeling incensed with myself, I yelled angrily and kicked out at Sam’s front door. It burst open, and the cold night air engulfed me. The sudden chill was enough to sweep away my agitation completely, leaving me shivering and feeling vulnerable once more.

“Ay! What’s your problem?” Sam called from down the hallway. “Stop kicking things! Get back here!”

Like your typical scared rabbit, I regarded him from over my shoulder for a moment and then split, leaping down the porch steps and shooting off into the night. I thought I heard thudding footsteps behind me, and whirled suddenly before realizing it was merely the blood pounding relentlessly in my ears. Just paranoia.

I skidded to a stop as soon as I rounded the corner to catch my breath. The headache seemed to intensify the longer I stared at the dancing leaves in front of my face, attached to one of those stupid trees with the low hanging limbs. What were they called, again? Willows, right? Weakly, I swatted the branches away and started down this road, retracing my path back towards home.

I parted my lips, sucking in the cold night air. It almost felt like water, though of course it did nothing to relieve the grasping thirst clawing at my neck. Didn’t people say drinking lots of water was a good way to get rid of a bad hangover? Maybe that’s why I was so thirsty…

When I finally reached my backyard, I stepped back over the window and checked to see what Tyler was up to, praying he was still asleep. I didn’t want to talk to him until I’d resolved everything on my mind. I just couldn’t really…ugh…gay? Me? Me gay? Senseless, but true.

Thankfully, he was still drooling away, looking all sexy with his hair still messed up and his bare shoulders poking out from under the sheets. There was a slight smile on his face. I smiled back at him, even though he couldn’t see me, then went around to the front door to let myself in.

After grabbing a large bottle of water from the kitchen and a couple aspirin from the bathroom cabinet, I made my way to my parent’s room and flopped onto the bed. I wasn’t remotely tired, but it was already around ten-thirty, judging by the clock.

This was going to be a long night.