How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

Mmm…beach. Sunlight. Sea air…

There was someone sleeping in my arms. Or rather, sort of on top of my chest, head buried in my neck. I sighed happily. It was Lena. I could tell by the way her silky dark hair sparkled in the sunlight, the way her body was draped over mine.

Odd position, really. But I liked cuddling with her too much to complain. The sun beat down on me, though I didn’t feel any heat.

Dazedly, I wondered where Green was. But truthfully, I didn’t care. I’d liked Lena for ages…god, this was nice…

I blinked. Hmm. Now it was sunrise. Funny, really.

My eyes flickered again and I glance around. Oh. Just a dream. I was still on my couch in the living room. A disappointed feeling swam into my stomach.

But maybe I was still dreaming. After all, Lena was still here…

Wait. Doesn’t she think I’m gay?

I ran my fingers through the head of dark hair buried in my jacket, contemplating this. And god. Oh my freaking motherfucking god.

It was short.

This was not Lena.

I almost screamed.

Deep breaths, Nick, deep breaths…It’s not like he hasn’t fallen asleep on you before…

I craned my neck around. He was still sleeping peacefully, body moving with the rhythm of his deep breaths. I wasn’t sure I had the heart to wake him.

I had half a mind to go back to sleep and lapse back into dreamland, where everything seemed to be going fine. Except I’d probably end up dreaming about him instead, and god knows where that could lead.

Resigned to this, I let my head fall back onto the cushions. Stressed exhaustion was still threatening to overwhelm me, and he wasn’t helping. I’d just forget he was here, that’s what I’d do. I could…deal with it later, or something. When it was actually morning…have I mentioned how nice these cushions were?

Next thing I knew, I was gone from the living room once more. Now…was this my room? No, it was Tyler’s, wasn’t it?

As I was surveying my surroundings, a hand caught my hair with a painful tug. “Look at me when I speak to you, Nicholas Fischer!”

“Sophie?” And there she was, standing right in front of me with a knife. As soon as I realized this, I backed away, but she had the front of my jacket too.

“Tyler is mine, do you hear me?” she growled, sounding more like a tiger than a human girl. “Get your damn hands off my boyfriend!”

I grinned lazily at her. Those stripes appearing on her face looked ridiculous. “MY boyfriend, you mean.”

Suddenly, I was down on the ground again and something big and orange was looming over me. She was going to rip out my neck! My smile melted off my face instantly.

Then…Sophie was gone. There was someone else in her place, someone else leaning over me and grinning…

A hand cupped my cheek gently, and a pair of lips planted themselves over mine. His kiss was enough to send an electric shock surging through me. Eager for more, I reached upward and knotted my hands into his beautiful black hair. “Mmm…” I liked this. I really, really liked this.

But something was horribly wrong. The feeling was fading, I was losing him… “No, don’t leave…I…”

My mumblings were answered with a snore that brought me crashing back to reality. That butterfly/nausea feeling crept into my stomach again.

“Oh fuck…” My eyes went wide. Don’t tell me I just had a sexual dream about another guy…about Tyler...

Tyler, who was sleeping on top of me. I felt like yelling again. Why not the other damn couch? Was it that hard to get up and move?

He lifted his head suddenly. His gaze was unfocused and his hair was ruffled and messy. Our faces were barely an inch apart. It would have taken barely an effort to breach that last bit of space between his lips and mine.

We stared at each other in abject horror.

Instantly, his own head buried itself back into my neck. I could feel the heat coming off his cheeks through my shirt.

“Why am I...on top of you?” he asked quietly.

“I was about to ask you the same thing…”

We paused.

“What happened, then?”

He pondered this. “Well, you fell asleep across the couch. I was sleeping upright on the other side. Maybe I fell over, and we…?”

Silence fell again. Neither of us moved. Half of me wanted him to stay, just for his body heat. The morning air was stone cold, as we were heading into winter.

“Or someone played a nasty joke,” he added.

“I have a feeling that if Sam had done this we’d both be sporting Sharpie mustaches.”

“Maybe he went for a more subtle approach.”

“Maybe Lena was there.”

“If Lena was there, would she let him do that?”

“Maybe.”

Another pause.

“Why are you even here?” I asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate your…uh, company, but didn’t you say you were going home?”

“Nah, I was too tired. So I crashed here.”

Of course, he didn’t ask permission. But that was because we spent half our lives at each other’s houses. Only we’d never slept literally on top of each other before. Sure, Tyler did make a habit of falling asleep on my shoulder when he got too tired. But this was a first. Although, I probably wouldn’t have cared if not for the whole dating thing. I might have even laughed, and feigned a yawning stretch in order to shake him to the floor.

We lay there for a second, stiffly and awkwardly. I don’t know what he was thinking about, but I was still disturbed by my dream.

I told myself not to worry. After all, it was just a dream. Everyone has weird dreams, right?

“Shall we…um…breakfast?” Tyler blurted suddenly as he climbed off of me and stretched.

“Toaster waffles?” I suggested.

And the morning proceeded as normally as a morning like this ever could.