How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

All I wanted was a quiet weekend – hang out with the gang, laze around, do my homework on Monday morning at 2 AM. But Lena had to go organize a damn double date. For me, Tyler, herself, and none other than my arch-nemesis Conan Green.

I tried to dissuade her of this idea, but she’d already gone and booked one of the nicest restaurants in town. She told me it would be fine, that I could ignore him if I wanted to. I don’t think she understands that Green was IMPOSSIBLE to ignore.

I checked myself out in the mirror. I was wearing a simple white button down and dark jeans – completely cliché and generic, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t like I needed to look good for anybody.

Despite this, I found myself spending more time doing mirror checks then looking for my phone, which had gone missing while I was looking for a clean shirt. I blamed it on wanting to look good for Lena, even though she wasn’t likely to notice me while Green was there.

Running my fingers through my hair one last time, I adjusted my shirt and turned to leave.

º º º

It was organized like your usual double date: a booth near the corner of the room, one couple on one side and one on the other. And also like your usual double date, there was a lot of…competition.

It started with Green ordering for Lena, so of course I was forced to order for Tyler, who was, theoretically, the girl of the relationship.

“You look good,” Green purred to Lena as soon as the waiter had disappeared. She smiled to herself, and he shot me a triumphant look.

Oh yeah? Fine then.

I reached up and ran a hand through Tyler’s neat black hair. “Well, you look amazing.” It was true, he was looking particularly dashing in a navy dress shirt. While mine was a little crinkled and pushed up to the elbows, his was impeccable, as though he were headed for an important business meeting. I liked it on him.

Friend to friend, I mean. It’s not like I’m suddenly attracted to him or anything.

Green glared at me when I met this second challenge.

I glared right back.

A few moments passed. Our drinks came. Absently, I took a sip of Tyler’s coke.

Lena cleared her throat as Green took a sip of hers too. Wow. That wasn’t even intentional.

She took her drink back with a frown and sipped at it. Green put an arm around her.

I put an arm around Tyler too, pulling him closer to me on the bench. This jerk was not getting the better of me. No way. I’d show him!

I tilted my head and whispered something playfully in Tyler’s ear. “Shall we get Green?”

Going along with it, Tyler winked at me. I chuckled and started messing with his hair as I watched the enemy carefully.

Predictably, Green instantly leaned over Lena’s ear and whispered in her ear too.

“Ew! Get the hell out of here, you bastard!” she shouted. A nearby elderly couple glared at us. He left in a hurry, red-faced and without argument. It looked as though he was…embarrassed?

I grinned at Lena, feeling quite on top of the world. “What did he say to you?”

She snorted in disgust. “He…told me he was hard!”

I just couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing. “No way!”

“Yes way!” Tyler and I slapped fives, nearly crying with mirth.

“What did you say to Tyler?” Lena butted in, stopping our endless stream of laughter.

“Oh, let’s just say I asked him a…question,” I said mischievously. He and I shared a grin.

The rest of the evening was quite amazing. Let me list the reasons:

1. The food was great.

2. Tyler was here, and even after this morning, it wasn’t that awkward.

3. Lena was here, and Green wasn’t.

4. I just got Lena to break up with Green. I think.

5. I got to bash Green all through dinner.

6. The food was AMAZING. So amazing it needs to be noted twice.

After dinner, Lena back to her house and Tyler and I went back to mine. Turns out his parents were taking a trip to Paris and he needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks. They did that a lot, dumping him at my house to go exciting places during the school. He told me he’d neglected to tell me he was staying for two weeks because of all the awkwardness. I think he knew I would have reacted badly.

Tyler and I reached the front porch just as it began to rain. My mother opened the door quickly and ushered us inside, looking flustered.

My mom is one of those overprotective and worrisome mothers, the kind that liked to know what was happening to her child twenty-four seven. She was waving a half-folded pair of socks at the two of us, hair piled into a messy bun. “Tyler, honey, your mom’s just dropped off your bags. Your parents, they just left for the airport, and they were so disappointed they didn’t have a chance to say goodbye! You’d better call them…” She dropped the socks and bustled over to Tyler, shoving my phone into his hands.

“So that’s where it went!" I interjected.

My mom ignored this. “Where were you two, anyway?”

Tyler shrugged and opened his mouth before I could even think of an excuse. “Just on a date.”

I froze up a little. Mom didn’t know about us, and I would have preferred to keep it that way.

“Oh, a double date?” My mom smiled happily. “Sounds fun. With who?”

I sighed thankfully. Saved.

“Lena and Green,” Tyler answered.

Or not saved.

I was about ready to kick him when my mom smiled again. “Oh, I think I know those girls. The pretty Asian and the brunette?”

I was barely able to believe my luck. Before Tyler could reveal that Green wasn’t a girl, I grabbed his arm and dragged him off towards my room.

“Hold on.” My mom’s voice went suddenly suspicious. “Isn’t Green that boy you’re always having rows with, Nicholas?”

Oh shit. “He has a sister,” I insisted.

“No he doesn’t. I know his mother. I saw her in the principal’s office back in sixth grade when you gave him a bloody nose.” She pursed her red lips, looking at me sternly. “Nicholas…do you have something to tell me?”

I braced myself, knowing that if I lied now she’d probably see right through it. “Fine, Mom. Lena’s dating Green.”

“So you two weren’t on a date? What were you doing, taking drugs in an alleyway?” My mom’s voice escalated angrily.

“No, no,” I said quickly. “We were on a date. Mom, I…" I gritted my teeth. "I’m dating Tyler.”

And with that, I turned and yanked Tyler into my room after me, slamming the door hard enough to shake a bit of plaster from the frame.