Tired n' Lonely
21
No one has an easy life, but sometimes I can't help but think that mine is harder than a lot of peoples. I spent most of my life caring for other people instead of caring for myself, only to end up alone in the end and grieving for the family who I loved more than anything in the world.
Actually that wan't true. I wasn't alone, I had Joey... but he was part of why my life was hard most of the time.
We cared for each other beyond what I thought it possible for people to care for me, and I would do anything if I knew it would make him happy, but Joey had not had it easy either and that made things between us hard. Not only did it take us the best part of our lives to realize that we should try and make things work, but the intervening years messed us up so much that it was always going to be harder than it was for any other couple.
Joey suffered very badly from depression at times - something he had faced since childhood - and it was hard to reach him at these times. He would feel as though the world was crashing down around him and unfortunately it sometimes was. He was cheated on, lost those he was closest to, let drugs control him... fell deeper into depression than I had ever known - and then just as he was starting to pull through I lost m y children.
At the time I could not register anything that was going on around me, but looking back it hit him nearly as badly as it hit me. Joey had seen them grow up the same as I had. He had loved them with his whole heart, and 2 years after they had died, whilst lying in the bath to escape the heat of the summer while he was away in the middle of a European festival tour, I realized that he had loved my children as though they were his own.
Time is the great healer - I will never get over the death of my children, but time has dulled some of the pain. It dulled it enough for me to remember every time he phoned up when he knew they had exams, every time he knew they were facing a rough time at school, every year on the anniversary of their fathers death.
Lucky for me he was able to help me through the worst of my grief, and for that I will always be greatful, but I will never know how to help him with his grief at their death.
Joey was used to death. He lost so many of his family, his friends, in such a short time that he was unable to cope, but losing my children was entrely different.
They were just kids,and they were taken so suddenly and without warning that it took a week for it to really hit either of us.
Thing changed after that. Joey knew that I suffered from depression that at times wa utterly crippling and impossible to live with, but he alway knew I would be OK because of them. Whether they kept me oing or I kept going becaue of them they were always going to make ure I wa there when he net came to visit. Now things were different. He worried about me, constantly. Even with the time difference he rang me twice a day to make ure I was OK. Or, still alive. He worried that he wouldn't be enough to stop me from killing myself if I was left on my own. It made me feel like Hell that he wa so worried for e, but I also knew that it meant he hadn't tuched drugs in two years.
He felt responsible for me now, and I knew that I felt responsible for him, too. I was never going to let him get hurt the way he had been in the past. Not again.
Actually that wan't true. I wasn't alone, I had Joey... but he was part of why my life was hard most of the time.
We cared for each other beyond what I thought it possible for people to care for me, and I would do anything if I knew it would make him happy, but Joey had not had it easy either and that made things between us hard. Not only did it take us the best part of our lives to realize that we should try and make things work, but the intervening years messed us up so much that it was always going to be harder than it was for any other couple.
Joey suffered very badly from depression at times - something he had faced since childhood - and it was hard to reach him at these times. He would feel as though the world was crashing down around him and unfortunately it sometimes was. He was cheated on, lost those he was closest to, let drugs control him... fell deeper into depression than I had ever known - and then just as he was starting to pull through I lost m y children.
At the time I could not register anything that was going on around me, but looking back it hit him nearly as badly as it hit me. Joey had seen them grow up the same as I had. He had loved them with his whole heart, and 2 years after they had died, whilst lying in the bath to escape the heat of the summer while he was away in the middle of a European festival tour, I realized that he had loved my children as though they were his own.
Time is the great healer - I will never get over the death of my children, but time has dulled some of the pain. It dulled it enough for me to remember every time he phoned up when he knew they had exams, every time he knew they were facing a rough time at school, every year on the anniversary of their fathers death.
Lucky for me he was able to help me through the worst of my grief, and for that I will always be greatful, but I will never know how to help him with his grief at their death.
Joey was used to death. He lost so many of his family, his friends, in such a short time that he was unable to cope, but losing my children was entrely different.
They were just kids,and they were taken so suddenly and without warning that it took a week for it to really hit either of us.
Thing changed after that. Joey knew that I suffered from depression that at times wa utterly crippling and impossible to live with, but he alway knew I would be OK because of them. Whether they kept me oing or I kept going becaue of them they were always going to make ure I wa there when he net came to visit. Now things were different. He worried about me, constantly. Even with the time difference he rang me twice a day to make ure I was OK. Or, still alive. He worried that he wouldn't be enough to stop me from killing myself if I was left on my own. It made me feel like Hell that he wa so worried for e, but I also knew that it meant he hadn't tuched drugs in two years.
He felt responsible for me now, and I knew that I felt responsible for him, too. I was never going to let him get hurt the way he had been in the past. Not again.
♠ ♠ ♠
I apologize for any spelling mistakes, my monitor is broken and very hard to read.