Have You Ever Really Danced On the Edge?

Vic and I just kept driving around. There were long periods of silence, then periods where Vic would sing. He wouldn’t really sing anything I was familiar with, but a few lines caught my attention.

Please keep chasing me;
you Southern constellations got me so dizzy.
It's cold but you pretend that you are warm with me.
Before I get you home you're nearly frozen,
but I'll never let you freeze without me.
Oh, no.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye, “Did you write that?”

Vic smiles slightly but shakes his head. “Actually, it just kind of… came to me.”

“Just now?” I ask incredulously.

“Well, like the last few days. I just need to write it down. I wrote a few lines that I think I want to combine as well. Jaime thinks it should be two songs, but I’m not sure. I would like it better if it were one.” Vic explains.

“So… what are some of the other lines?” I ask. Suddenly Vic’s embarrassed, I can tell. “Are you nervous to sing it in front of me?”

“Kind of,” Vic admits but he squeezes my knee. His hand hasn’t moved since he placed it on my knee an hour ago. “It goes something like,

Freeze, it's time to take you home,
it feels so early but I promised I would bring you to your door.
Now our lips are numb as we walk sharing warm alcohol,
that kiss tastes like summer.”

Vic’s voice is unlike anything I’ve ever heard. It’s even hard to classify. It’s scratchy, something like a tenor. I’d even go as far as to say Vic’s voice was countertenor, but that was quite a stretch.

It had soul… and those lyrics? I checked my arm: sure enough, there were goose bumps. Vic’s done singing and he’s looking expectantly at me. I stare back at him.

“So?” He asks me, clearing his throat awkwardly.

I grin and place my hand on his hand he has on my knee. “Your voice is beautiful, Vic. You’re such a beautiful person.” I was being honest.

Vic chuckles, almost like I said a joke. I’m confused so I insist, “No really. You’ve been like, super awesome with the whole Brandon thing. I haven’t thought about him for at least a good five minutes.”

He looks at me, eyebrows raised, “Seriously? I want to just grab your shoulders and shake you until you don’t think about him anymore. The thought of him pisses me off.”

“Come on, Vic, it’s been like an hour. He was a huge part of my life. First love always hurts the most, right?” I defend myself, knowing Vic was judging me for missing Brandon.

“I guess,” he says and the conversation ends there.

It’s complete silence for a good five minutes. Vic parks the car on some dead end and I don’t say anything. Even though I really, really want to.

“I just don’t know how to feel,” I say finally. Vic sighs and turns the key to shut off the car. He removes his hand from my knee. I feel cold suddenly. “I want to hate Brandon, to forget everything, but it’s impossible. It’s too soon.”

“Really? Because with the way he treated you, I think it’d be fucking easy.”

There’s certain harshness to his tone, but I can’t place its origins. Where was this coming from?

“Whoa, Vic,” I say, my tone somewhat matching his. “I know you didn’t like Brandon, that you’re 28 and don’t want to listen to some teenager ramble on, but I at least thought you wouldn’t be mean about it.”

“It’s just so frustrating because he’s such a dumbass! You loved that guy when he ignored you for two days straight, called you a whore, and now broke up with you! It’s like he can do no wrong, but clearly he’s done nothing right! Are you blind?”

“No, but –“

“But nothing. I’m sick of this hot and cold shit you’re playing. Can’t you see I’m like some lost puppy? And I’m 28 years fucking old!”

I look at him, confused. I feel nervous. “What? Vic, what are you talking about?”

When Vic’s eyes meet mine, the intensity between us is electrifying. “Oh, fuck it.”

Vic’s hand cups my face and his other hand grabs my waist. He somewhat roughly pulls me onto his lap so I’m straddling him. Then, he’s kissing me. I feel him underneath me; feel him against my thigh. I put my arms around his neck and sweep my hands into his hair.

Our tongues dance together and everything feels so good. I feel his hands glide along my sides and down my back, then up into my hair and around my face.

It’s natural. This is natural.

We’re kissing for what seems like forever, just enjoying the moment. Suddenly, Brandon’s face pops into my head. The memory of kissing him behind the Ferris wheel freshman year, then in my bedroom junior year are most prominent. And I feel… cold, lonely.

Vic’s kissing my neck, sucking lightly as I put my hands on his chest, pushing away from him.

“Vic…” I mumble. It’s hard to use my voice because Vic just feels so good. Vic sucks harder in response, thinking it was moaning. “Vic,” I say louder and push harder. “No.”

Vic’s slow to open his eyes. “What? Come here,” And he puts his hand on my neck, pushing our heads back together.

“I said no, Vic.” I say sternly. Vic pulls his head away to look me in the eyes.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“This is wrong, you asshole.”

Vic puts his hands on my hips. “Did I do something?”

“This is a mistake, Vic. You’re a mistake. I can’t do this, I just broke up with my boyfriend.” I swing my legs over Vic’s body and back into the passenger seat. “Take me home.”

“Annabel, don’t say things you don’t mean –“

“I mean it, Vic. I don’t feel comfortable. Take me home, right now.”

Vic starts the car and begins to perform a Y-turn to get us home. We drive for a few minutes and then, “So I’m a mistake?” Vic grits out, his voice strained. He sounds upset but I try to ignore it. I can’t feel bad; it’s not my fault.

“What just happened was,” I say and look out the window. I avoid the person to my left. “You’re a great friend and that’s it.”

“You kissed back,” Vic noted.

“It was reflex,” I say shortly, not wanting to have this conversation.

“Stop running away, goddamit!” Vic raises his voice at me and I cringe. “Here we go again, more hot and cold. Do you like me, Anna, huh? Because you kissed me back and you liked it.”

“I don’t know what I want, Vic! Stop being such a jackass and stop pressuring me! I kissed you, so what? I don’t even understand! I didn’t ask for you to become all obsessed with me anyway!” I was being childish, I knew that, but the words came out like word-vomit. I can’t believe he still liked me, after all the mean things I’ve said.

Vic doesn’t anything. We continue driving and I think about our kiss. I liked it but I was so fucking torn.

I’m a teenager; I’m not supposed to know what I want. I’m supposed to be able to whine and change my mind. With Vic, it was all this intense shit that I didn’t really understand. I’m eighteen, not twenty-eight. We’re a decade apart, with different goals and opinions. Obviously, there was an attraction but a relationship seemed out of the question.

Vic may want a serious girlfriend, someone he could see himself marrying… as of now, the last thing I wanted to do was get married. Hell, even have another serious relationship was something I thought I wasn’t ready for. The hurt of the break-up and the accountability of a relationship was something I didn’t want anymore.

Finally, we pull up to the house. Taylor comes flying out onto the porch. I get out of the car and slam the door shut.

“Where the fuck were you?” Taylor screams, looking between Vic and me. She looks pissed. “It’s been like, two hours since you and Brandon went to the grocery store!”

“He broke up with me,” Is all I can muster. Vic puts his head down and trots into the house.

“What?” Taylor’s voice lightens. “Where is he? Why were you with Vic?”

I start to cry and Taylor hugs me. “Shh,” She comforts me. “Let’s go inside and we can talk about this later, okay?”

I nod and we start towards the house. I look up at the sky and see that it looks downcast. Dark clouds seem to be moving in, bring inclement weather with.

I look at Vic who slams the apartment door and can’t help but feel like the clouds, literally and figuratively, were going to create an overcast feel for the rest of the weekend.