Falling to Pieces

“Rose,” Kyle whispered.
I opened my eyes. I was half asleep, hoping to actually be left alone.
“What?”
“Joel is here to see you,” He said.
I looked over at my door and saw him leaning up against the door frame.
I smiled at him, he smiled back. Kyle looked at us and then left quickly.
Joel walked slowly to me and sat on the bed next to me. I moved my head and used his lap as a pillow.
“I ready to deal with it now,” he said.
I laughed gently and sat up. “Yeah?”
He nodded.
“Can I ask you a question now?” I asked carefully.
His eyes tightened and then he nodded, equally cautious.
“What happened to Ryan?” I asked, “Why is he the way he is?”
He sighed and took my hand. “He only remembers being thrown into a wall before he was bitten, his change was violent. We think that the hit on his head rattled his brain, and the hit made the vampire venom turn on the childhood in his brain. And its permanent.”
“Is it always like that?” I asked.
He looked at me confused. “Like what?”
“Violent?”
“Mine was. Lindsey was born with it.”
“How does that work, if a vampire never gets older?” I asked.
Joel grinned. “it’s a bit creepy that you take in all the information I give you on vampires, its unhealthy for you to know all this.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Well when you're born with it, the venom doesn’t kick in till you’ve stopped growing, but because they are vampires their growth time is different than a humans. A normal human female stops growing in her early teenage years, but a vampires continues for a few more years. Usually a vampire stops growing in their early twenties.”
“That’s cool,” I said.
He looked at me incredulously.
I blushed.
“Is that all of your questions about Vampires?” he asked, hoping.
I shook my head. “One more.”
I knew that he would be skeptical about answering this one.
“Will you tell me how you were bit?”
“I knew you would ask me that,” he breathed.
I squeezed his hand. “Please.”
“Why?”
“I want to feel closer, I want to know you more.”
“Come here,” he said, pulling me into his arms. “Will you promise me something before I tell you?”
“Yes.”
“Promise that you wont judge me,” he whispered.
“You know I wont,” I said gently.
He hugged me closer. “I know, its just…”
“Tell me Joel.”
“I was outside with my sister, Elenora. She was sixteen at the time, I was nineteen. It grew dark and we had to get home…” his eyes grew distant as he tried to remember. “there was a lot of them, I got us out that time, then they got me alone the next day. They took turns at me, slamming me into the wall and throwing punches. I was too weak to fight them off when they began to bite me. It was like I could actually feel the venom pour into my blood stream and burn my veins. And then they left me to burn and freeze at the same time. That’s what it feels like, like the insides of you are burning and your skin is frost bitten, its unbelievably painful.
“I got myself home, but my family was home too. The scent of them, it drove me into insanity. My brain knew what I was doing and believe me I tried to stop, but the instincts I had, it all drove me to fucking kill. I killed them all, even Elenora”—I put my arms around him—“Afterwards I fled to New York, it was a big city and I thought they couldn’t find me, the cops, the neighbors, the vamps. I changed my name and found and apartment and got a job at Wal-Mart. Then I met Lindsey, and well you know the rest.”
“What was your real name?”
“Edwin, my mom liked names with ‘E’s.”
Joel released me and went to the window. “I’m sor—
“For what?” I asked, “You’re not a killer, they destroyed you…”
“I don't want to talk about this anymore, ok?”
It took everything in him to let himself tell me the truth, and he had already said so much, it would be selfish to make him tell me more.
“Ok, Joel,” I said.
“We all have our stories, you should listen to Lindsey’s story about her clan.”
I nodded, I didn’t know what to say.
So he kept going, even though he said he didn’t want to talk about it. “that’s why I can’t lose you too.”
I figured that he had kept it all in long enough and now it was exploding, and I knew that it wouldn’t end up pretty. I could already feel it building up, the tension.
I stood up and walked till I was only a few feet away from him. “You won’t lose me. I can’t leave you, not really anyway.”
“I don't want you to stay spiritually,” he snapped, spitting out the word with disgust. “Just try a treatment.”
“Joel I don't want to get into this,” I told him quietly.
“You're the one who always wants to talk!” he yelled, suddenly on the bed and towering over me, “Isn’t ironic that now you don't want to say anything when the pressure is on you. This is your fault!”
I didn’t understand why he blamed me; it wasn’t like I wanted to have leukemia.
“You wanted to die! You still want to!”
“No Joel I don't! Why would I want to now?”
“You won’t take a treatment! If you cared about me at all, if you care for my sanity then you would stay with me!”He got up and walked back to my window.
“You know that I want to be with you Joel!” I yelled.
“Then take a treatment!” He yelled.
“You want a treatment? Then bite me!” I yelled at him with all the bottled up anger.
He spun around and stared at me with wide eyes that made me regret my words. “What?”
“I want to be a vampire too,” I said.
“Why?” he asked, getting angry, “Vampires are the most horrid species to walk the earth, and you want that? After hearing my story? After what you heard its done to Ryan and Lindsey?”
“Yes,” I said simply.
He glared at me then stormed away, walking to the end of the room the end of the room then back. I got off the bed and walked to him.
“Why do you want to be a monster? To kill those you love without knowing it? I could give you anything else in the world, anything else you desire. Please, ask something else of me.”
I sighed and looked down, at my shoes. “No, I want this.”
“Why?” he breathed.
How could he really not see?
“Immortality.”
He put his hand under my chin, and forced me to look back up at him.
“I thought you wanted to die.”
“That’s not why I want it Joel.”
“Then why?”
“I want,” I began and tried to look away. This was all too embarrassing, I couldn’t stand to open myself up to him, not about this.
He pulled my chin back up, almost too roughly. “talk to me Rose.”
I closed my eyes. “I want to be with you forever, there's no reason to live without you.”
When he didn’t say anything, I opened my eyes.
His eyes grew soft for a moment, till he remembered that we were arguing. “Don't be dramatic.”
My eyes grew wide. “Don't you love me at all?” I shouted without thinking about it.
His eyes grew angry at my assumption and he pulled my face that was already trapped in his hands, closer to him and kissed me with sure power and emotion that it released the tears I had been trying to keep in.
“You know I do, how could you doubt that?”
“Now who’s being dramatic?” I whispered.
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling, dropping my face, and I looked at the floor.
“Just listen to me,” I said, “I'm dying, whether I am ready or not and whether or not you're willing to except it or not. And we’re running out of time.”
I heard him sigh. He laced his fingers through my hair and pulled me closer to him.
“I want so much more for you. I don't want you to have to deal with what I had to deal with. And vampires are demons, how can you go to heaven then?”
“According to Kyle, I'm already destined for Hell,” I mumbled, “Besides I don't want heaven if you're not with me.”
“I think Heaven is out of the question for me.”
I put my arms around him. “I don't think so.”
He chuckled softly. “You're changing the subject.”
I closed my eyes.
“And I wont allow it,” Joel whispered, “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you go to Heaven, even though you don't need my help, starting with keeping you human.”
I shook my head. “That’s not fair Joel.”
“Of course it is, to be unfair would be to bite you right now.”
“I wish you would.”
“I wish you’d change the subject.”
“I’ll do anything,” I mumbled, “Anything.”
“Rose,” he sighed, “Nothing is going to change my mind.”
I ripped away from him, crying, and sat on my bed. My forehead fell forward, onto my knees.
“I just want you,” I whispered, “Forever.”
It wasn’t any easier to say it again, but I knew it would eventually, with practice.
I heard Joel mumble to himself and walked to me. He kneeled on the floor in front of me. He kissed the top of my head. “Rose, I know you're scared and it doesn’t help that you have leukemia.”—he put his lips to my ear—“All I want is to be with you, forever, But you don't seem to understand the damage of being a vampire would be to you. I have experienced it, and I have seen worse cases than Ryan’s. I don't want you to have to deal with that as well. I care, love, you too much to ruin you like that. You have no comprehension of what you're asking.”
I lifted my head and stared at him.
“I don't have a life to ruin, Joel, you know that.”
“Not true,” he said shaking head, “you're not the same person you were in the winter. You’ve changed.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I hissed, “You know that. I'm dying!”
“STOP SAYING THAT!” he yelled. “Do you fucking think I don't know that?!”
“Well you seem to think that we have all of this time to think about it!”
“BECAUSE WE DO!” He yelled. He picked up my chair that was at my dresser and threw it at the wall; it broke with a loud impact. “I WON’T LET YOU GO!”
I felt the tears pouring down my face, felt my eyes burn, felt my heart break, but beyond all that I felt Joel’s pain the most.
The reality of my fate fell over me as I said these words:
“Love cannot stop death.”
He looked at me helplessly and in pain. I hated that I was the one causing him pain, but there was simply nothing I could do. I could not lie to him, he would surely find out eventually. Everything that I had tried to prevent was happening in front of my eyes.
“And why can’t it?” he demanded.
It was a question I often thought about, yet I had a realization of the concept. However, now all my logic seemed to vanish. With a love so powerful that it brought me hope, how could it not stop death? Kyle had said that God loved us and wanted the very best for us, if that were true why would he take Joel away from me?
I felt the tears fall slowly from my red and sore eyes.
“Because it isn’t that powerful,” I whispered.
And again I saw the raw pain I caused him. I felt his arms around me, yet felt no security this time. I felt as though I was falling apart.
Like I was falling to pieces.
“What I feel is pretty powerful,” he whispered.
I hugged him tighter. “You know I use to think that too, that love could cure everything,”
“Please don't.”
“it gave me hope, so why cant it save me?”
“I’ll save you .”
* * * * *
They were at the grocery store again, because of Rose’s disgust for the lack of food in the fridge. She wanted to show him her mother’s favorite cookie recipe. And it gave him a since of relief that she could talk about her mother easily now. Just a few days ago they had an entire conversation about her, free of tears.
Rose was in Joel’s room, sitting on the floor, while he painted at his desk.
“She loved to paint too,” she had whispered.
Joel stopped and looked her. “Yeah?”
She nodded. “She went through an artistic phase,” she laughed, “She kept trying to get me into it, but as you can see, my painting skills are limited.”
Joel laughed with her. “I guess not everyone has my eye of art, I love your little doodles on the wall.”
“Doodles,” she laughed, “Great.”
“Can you tell me about her, we never talk about our parents,” Joel said.
Rose smiled. “I wonder why.”
But she laid back and Joel sat on the floor next to her and listened as she told him of her mother’s crazy habits like screaming with the windows down in her car if she was having a bad day.
And then Joel talked about his mother and his father, very limited on his father in fear that it may spark anger in Rose.
“no get the skim milk,” She said simply.
Joel sighed and put it back then grabbed the skim milk. “What's wrong with 2% milk?”
“It’s fattening,” she answered.
He gave her a disapproving look. “You need it, you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
She turned away.
He could tell that she was beginning to deal with more and more of the symptoms of leukemia. He read a lot about leukemia in her journal when she was asleep and he did some of his own research as well. And he would mention some of the treatments that he found, but she was still just as stubborn. He wondered if she secretly wasn’t taking a human cure because she thought that he would bite her, and give her what she wanted. He wondered if she messing with him.
Two could play that game though. He refused to bite her; well at least he told her that. If she really didn’t take a treatment, then he would bite her. But not until she is on her death bed. He couldn’t give in, maybe it was only a game and once she realized that he wasn’t going to bite her, she would take a treatment and take this seriously.
But would that be too late?
He put his arms around her and it scared him how tiny she was. There was also bruises on her arms that she thought she hid by wearing long sleeves. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “We still need flour.”
Joel laughed in her ear. “I'm going to be broke by the time we’re through.”
She reached for her purse, but his reflexes were better. “Nope.”
She sighed. “Will you go get the flour, I’ll get the chocolate chips and then meet you at the checkout lane.”
Joel smiled at her determined plan and went to retrieve the flour. He wondered how much time he had with her, and the thought made him run at vampire speed and in seconds he was back with her.
She was taken back for a moment, then her eyes narrowed.
“Joel someone could have seen you,” she hissed.
“When I run that fast,” he whispered in her ear, “No one can see me.”
She leaned back and blinked, then grinned. “Show me.”
Typical Rose.
He ran down to the end of the aisle then was back in front of her.
She grinned, there was a light of excitement in her usual cold grey eyes. “Do something else.”
He laughed and shook his head. “What am I a circus performer?”
The light in her eyes dimmed and she went back to looking for chocolate chips.
“Later,” he whispered to her.
“Ok,” she said, like it didn’t matter, but he picked up on the anticipation.
Once they got home, she spilled the ingredients across the counter.
“Now,” she said dramatically, he laughed, “I’m about to show you the secret cookie recipe, not even Kyle knows.”
He staged whispered, “Should you even be showing me this then?”
She smiled at him. “Of course, I have to keep the secret alive.”
The playfulness in the room fell.
She was always saying stuff like that too, part of her game. And it scared him. Maybe it was to cover up something else, something besides the game. Maybe it was to cover up her fear of death.
He watched her start to begin, he helped every now and then, but cooking wasn’t his forte.
And when she put the cookies in the oven, she stumbled when she closed the door.
“Rose?” He asked, nervous.
He watched her eyes zone out and she slanted, heading to the floor. He held her up in his arms, looking at her pale face.
“Maybe you should lie down,” he said, panic clear in his voice.
“yeah,” she mumbled, allowing him to catch her as she tilted back. He swung her up in his arms and carried her to his room. He laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers up, tucking her in. She was already out by the time he stood back up.
Lindsey walked in. “So I got paid today, that should cover the electric and water…what happened.”
“She fainted.” He said simply.
* * * * *
When I woke up I heard the sound of rain on the window. It fascinated me for a moment. And then my mind tried to come up with the reason of why I was in bed. Then when I got the answer, I tried to figure out how long I was unconscious.
It took a moment before I stretched, searching for a cold hand.
“Joel?”
I sat up in the empty room, and my head spun. I waited till it subsided before I got up, I must have been asleep for too long, my body wasn’t corresponding with my mind. I tried to walk, but I swayed into the wall.
I leaned against the wall while the tears started to pour. I couldn’t be this sick yet, the doctor said I had time, said I would have months before I had to be hospitalized. And then a few months after that till I “died”. I knew Joel wouldn’t let me.
It worried me at first when I came up with the plan, I wondered if he loved me enough to save me that way. He never told me he loved me, but after the other week’s outburst, there wasn’t any reason to doubt.
Plus vampire venom was a guaranteed cure, human treatments would only prolong the leukemia at the least. It may save me, but it wasn’t a guarantee. And I couldn’t risk losing Joel.
I tried to walk again, and found success this time. I walked to the kitchen.
“God you moron, you're burning my toast!”
“Hush,” Joel yelled at Lindsey, “You’ll wake her up.”
I giggled. “Already am.”
Joel turned and his face fell into disappointment. “Darn, I was hoping to cook you breakfast in bed.”
I smiled. “Well that’s sweet, but you're gonna burn the bacon.”
I took over his spot and began to cook.
“So,” Lindsey said as we all sat down.
“So?”
“I was thinking that we’d go hang out today,” Lindsey said, looking at Joel. He smiled and looked down. What was weird was that it was like he was trying to hide his smile.
I was careful about my answer. “Sounds good.”
“Great!” Lindsey squealed.
Joel was in high spirits all morning. He kept smiling and laughing throughout breakfast. It was nice to have a cheerful morning after so many tears had been shed, it was like it use to be.
Joel drove me home so I could get changed for a crazy day with Lindsey.
“You know,” Joel said on the other side of the door, “I was thinking that we should go on a trip or something.”
I pulled on my jeans. “Really?”
“Well after graduation,” he said.
I opened the door. “Where would we go?”
He smiled. “Anywhere is fine. Paris?”
I grinned. “I always wanted to go to Europe.”
He put his arms around me. “Or Venice? Maybe Rome?”
I laughed, “They all sound good.”
“Then we’ll close our eyes and throw a dart.” He whispered.
My eyes narrowed. “How will we aff—“
“Shh,” he said, “None of that, not right now.”
He was right we really didn’t know when we would have another moment like this, filled with laughter and smiles instead of tears.
“You're in a good mood,” I noted.
He shrugged. “I suppose.”
I waited, he wanted to say more, I had too much practice reading his face.
“I just, want to pretend today,” he said, looking down, “Is that so bad?”
I put my hand under his chin and brought his face up so he could look at me.
“No its not.” I said.
He smiled, then it fell. “I hear Lindsey pulling up.”
I grinned and grabbed my bag and ran out the door, Joel taking his time.
“Lindsey,” he said.
Lindsey looked up.
“Don't be late.”
I stared at them, trying to figure out their conspiracy. Joel just smiled at me. “Have fun.”
“So,” Lindsey said when I got in and she drove off, “I was thinking of shopping.”
“Why am I not surprised,” I said.
Though I knew that we wouldn’t really be shopping, more of window shopping.
But it did surprise me when she made me get into a red dress that was too tight to be comfortable in. Apparently that was the point.
She shook her head. “No you're right, that’s not right.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What are you two planning?”
Instead of answering me, she handed me another dress.
* * * *
Joel sat at the table, and checked his phone for the time. Was it really that hard for her to look at a watch?
Then his phone rung, but it wasn’t Lindsey, it was Nethiel from the Corence Clan.
“Hello?” He asked.
“Joel,” he breathed, “Heaven’s had another vision.”
The Corence clan was older than most clans, more than a hundred years old. Vampires evolve over the years, so their venom is much more old fashion, giving them the old vampire traits, including “Gifts.”
“Yeah?” He pressed.
“You have to leave New York,” Nethiel warned, “The Velions have come for you.”
“Why?” He demanded.
What did we do?
Rose.
“You told a human, they’ve gotten worse on that rule,” Nethiel said, “Ever since Andy came into the picture.”
“Where do we go?” He breathed.
“Come here, there’s enough of us to fight them off for a little while, then we can come up with a more efficient plan. Heaven says not to plan too much now, they are near and you know how they are, nothing is private.”
“Yes, I know,” he said, “We’ll be there tomorrow.”
“Hurry.”
And then the phone died.
He glanced around and spotted two, three, six…
Their appearance to a human would be unnoticeable, but to an immortal eye, the difference is clear. The eyes, that gives immortals away. Vampires have blue, Velions have purple. Of course they wear contacts, so humans aren’t afraid, but the trained eye can spot it.
He grabbed his phone and got ready to walk out the restaurant, but they would notice that.
You have to get out, NOW!
How?
And then Lindsey stepped in with Rose, who was blindfolded.
Helpless.