Falling to Pieces

“I’m going for a walk,” I mumbled.
“Okay,” Thomas said, surprised I could still speak.
I walked out the door, down the steps, and out the building.
It was the second day that I’ve been back. I had spent November with Kyle in South Carolina in his apartment. When I decided that I couldn’t hide forever, I moved back to New Yuck. Kyle promised that once he finished his semester that he’d move in with Thomas and me.
It felt like my whole life had disappeared before me. Like her star had explode, the explosion so bright, the others became unclear
I stumbled around the streets in a fog. Not really conscious, but somehow still there. My mind wasn’t, it had protected itself in a room filled with towering walls all painted black.
I thought coming back would help me. Thought it’d be better to escape the place filled with memories, but it seemed to be worse. In New Yuck I couldn’t just sit in my room and cry in the darkness. I had to pretend I was ok.
I couldn’t hide.
It was in the beginning of December, yet I felt as though I was on fire. My head was so dizzy.
I lurched into an empty alley and fell to the ground; I didn’t have it in me to get back up. I placed my cheek against the cool, damp ground. I focused on breathing as my eyes drifted shut.
My heart felt like a shattered puzzle. Mom was dead. It hurt so much. I never got to say goodbye. I knew this day would come…but honestly why did it? If God cared at all about my sanity, he wouldn’t have taken her away from me.
“Rose?” I heard someone call my name.
When I didn’t answer, I heard footsteps running to me.
A cold hand caressed my cheek. “Rose, hon, can you hear me?”
“She’s gone,” I whispered.
“Who?”
I opened my eyed, blinked when I saw him, and mumbled, “Joel?”
He smiled, and it was pretty on him, it wasn’t fake like the one that I had plastered onto my face in front of others.
He smoothed the hair out of my face.
“Hey,” he said gently,” where’ve you been?”
And I almost smiled at the familiarity of the words.
I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.
He hesitated, and then he picked me up and held me in his lap. “What's wrong?”
I buried my face in his the curve if his neck, whishing this moment would freeze so there would be no pain. I didn’t want to be brave, I didn’t want to pretend.
“My mom’s dead,” I whispered.
As I said this, the last part of my porcelain heart shattered. I knew it was true now, she wasn’t coming back. Saying it aloud hurt even more than isolating myself. My heart screamed in pain. The dizziness returned; I felt like I was falling; my nightmare was coming true.
“It’s okay,” He said, “it’s okay to cry.”
“You promised!” I accused him threw my flooding tears.
“I'm so sorry,” he whispered in my ear, “I'm so very sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t bring her back,” I sobbed.
He rocked us back and forth and patted my back, trying to desperately to sooth my sobs. I let the tears spill over my cheek. Wild sobs escaped my hoarse throat that made the dizziness worse.
Here I was in New Yuck instead of being with my mom when she needed me. I should have been with her in her last days, she shouldn’t have to be alone. I should have thrown a fit so I wouldn’t have to get on the plane.
The guilt brought a round of hysterics that frightened Joel a bit, but he still held me. I hung onto him so I wouldn’t fall apart like I felt like I was. He held me just as tight. The hysterics subsided into little sniffles.
It was dark by the time that I lifted my head. I stared at Joel, he stared at me, then we both broke out in laughter.
“That was some powerful water works,” he laughed.
I wiped the leftover tears on my cheeks and finger combed my hair.
Joel smiled. “Now we need to do something completely insane to get your mind off things.”
I laughed and looked up at the sky, at the stars. There were a handful of clouds threatening to cover them.
“Can I see your paintings?” I asked looking back at him.
He smirked. “Not exactly what I had in mind…”
“Please?” I said, in the whole “batting your eyelashes” kind of voice.
He laughed. “Why not.”
He took my hand, and it was weird how natural that felt. It was like a habit now. And I didn’t know how I felt about that.
“Where’s your car?” he asked.
“I walked,” I answered, “ I don’t have a car.”
He shook his head disapproving. “Walking alone in New York City isn’t safe.”
“Screw safe,” I mumbled.
He grinned and walked me to his car. It was his red Camry. On the bumper was a dent.
“My brother dinted my car,” he explained.
I laughed. “Bummer.”
“I should bum him.”
He opened the door for me and once I was in he turned and got in on his side.
I turned on his radio.
“Before you go crazy, let me ask you something,” he said.
I turned it back off. “Ok.”
He hesitated. “Why are you living with your uncle, where’s your father?”
“Next,” I said, and as a habit, I looked out the window to avoid his scrutinizing eyes.
“Next?” he challenged my answer.
“Yes,” I growled, “Next question.”
He paused again. “Why don’t you want to tell me?”
I closed my eyes. “Because I don’t want to talk about it and I really don’t think I have to.”
He chuckled, though it wasn’t because he thought I was humorous. “well I agree that you don’t have to, I'm not holding a gun to your head. But I wish that you’d trust me enough to tell me.”
“Why?” I asked aloud.
“Why what?”
“Why should I trust you, I mean honestly? We barely know each other. We’ve only known each other for three months and you want me to trust you? I don’t even trust Kyle and I’ve known him my entire life.”
“Well Kyle is a jerk, I don’t blame you for not trusting him,” he began.
“Be serious,” I pleaded.
“Oh I am.”
He let his head snap forward onto the glass.
“So what if we have only known each other for three months, I don’t really care because I don’t know if you do, but I fell close to you,” he said.
I looked at him. He was staring at the window.
“Maybe I was imagining it, I thought it was really there, but I don’t care if it’s just me. God, Rose, I have never seen anyone look so…so…sad and that’s the best that I can say, I cant even come up with some cool word that only Leonardo Decaprio would say. But don’t you see that I can’t just let this go, I can’t watch you kill yourself. I have never seen anyone just give up and let misery eat them alive.
He changed the topic then, when I didn’t say anything that answered him. “If I show you my paintings will you show me that book you always write in?”
I turned and looked at him. “Deal. Now can I mess with the radio now?”
He sighed. “Go ahead.”
He pulled up to an apartment building, and shockingly it was worse than mine.
“Home sweet home,” he said sarcastically. He got out and opened my door. He reached for my hand and helped me out.
We walked up to the building, which he had a key for. Then we walked into the building and to his door. He opened it then slammed it shut.
He turned to me. “Give me five minutes.”
“Ok,” I said, slightly confused.
He went inside.
I finger combed my hair and inhaled then exhaled.
“GOD RYAN PICK YOUR UNDERWEAR OFF THE FLOOR!” I heard Joel yell.
The door opened a second later to his angered expression.
“Is it safe to come in?” I asked, smiling.
His expression softened. “Probably not, but go ahead.”
I walked in.
The first room, I guess which was supposed to be the living room, consisted of four things: a green couch, pink carpet, a T.V., and junk. It also smelled like grease.
“It needs work,” he said defensively.
I laughed, “A lot of work.”
We past the kitchen and into his bedroom. He shut the door and opened the window. It smelled like smoke.
“Cheater!” I accused, “You’ve been smoking”
“RYAN!” Joel yelled.
Some guy came crashing into the room. He had messy brown curls and the same blue-violet eyes that Joel had. He was wearing an M&M shirt and a pair of boxers decorated with trains.
“Wha?”
“Why were you smoking? And in my room?” Joel asked him.
I looked at Joel suspiciously.
“Well you see Lindsey…” he began but was cut off by a girl storming in.
“First of all, Lindsey didn’t do anything,” she said.
Lindsey had black hair with the same weird eyes. She had on black jeans with a guy’s shirt that said “Like totally green” which was of course green.
She looked at me. “Is this the girl?”
“Rose,” he corrected her.
“Cute,” she sneered.
I glared at her, I didn’t like her.
“Joel, I'm really sorry. Its just that I really needed a smoke and”
“Be nice,” Joel said.
“How desperate are you?” She growled.
“Excuse me?” I said, “I'm right here.”
“You weren’t here and there was no food so”
“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Joel yelled.
Everyone grew silent.
“Now, Ryan get help. Lindsey get a life, and Rose get a drink.”
I blinked, surprised that he yelled at me. What did I do wrong?
Lindsey gave us a sickening look then stormed back out, pulling Ryan with her by the ear.
I glared at Joel. “Get a drink?”
He smiled. “Well if I didn’t yell at you, they'd think I like you or something.”
I smiled. “Wouldn’t want that would we?”

“That’s beautiful,” I gasped as Joel opened his folder. Inside was a picture of a soft pink rose.
“You inspired this one,” He said pulling out a painting.
There was a sun, but it looked like it was setting; the vibrant colors were fading into the horizon. Above the falling sun were stars, five of them. I can only think of three now.
“Do you remember that one day when we were at the art museum and you said the sun was setting?
I nodded.
“Then I remembered how you said that Starry Night reminded you of how you viewed your life.”
I nodded again, running my fingers over the picture.
“I remembered the things you usually talk about, so I turned them into the stars,” he continued.
I could feel him starring at me, begging me to say something. But I couldn’t.
It seemed weird that one simple thing like a painting could haunt the mind so. But not in a bad way, defiantly not in a bad way. It was so beautiful that there was no way that a pair of nineteen year old hands created this.
“Rose?”
“Its beautiful,” I said.
I turned to him now.
His blue violet eyes looked warm for the first time. They didn’t look haunting or full of disgust. His messy black hair hung over his eyes, but it made him look vulnerable this time. It was like the world would hurt him, or perhaps it had already. I never seen him look like this, so….I don’t know, just not the strong, invincible look I had grown use to, the certainty in his eyes.
“Joel?” I asked stepping closer to him.
He watched me with fear filled eyes as I drew nearer, his violet eyes wide. I was crossing the careful distance he likes. I was pushing him out of his comfort zone.
Soon we were only a whisper apart.
His eyes franticly searched mine, I his.
Then he circled his arms around my waist.
His forehead rested on mine.
I focused on breathing and keeping my heart from jumping out of my chest. He seemed to be the same.
And then we just stood there in his room like that. Eyes closed, pretending that in this moment the world didn’t exist. There were no lies, no murders, thieves, terrorists, and no war. There wasn’t such a thing as death, heartbrokenness, and misery. No, in this moment all that there was here were unexplained things forming.
Maybe it was only because I had just lost my mom that I was thinking like this.
Thinking that someone could love me.
That I’d want to be loved.
And maybe there wasn’t anything there, just another dead end, another lost hope. Or maybe I wanted nothing to be there, scared of losing myself again, even though I still haven’t found myself.
“Rose can I paint you?” he asked pulling away.
I looked at the door trying not to blush, yet having no luck. “Why?”
“Because,” he said simply.
“Very mature,” I giggled looking up.
He smiled. “Please.”
I rolled my eyes. “If you think it’s necessary.”
“Thanks,” he said taking my hand. He led me to the windowsill.
The sun had been replaced by a moon.
“Sit,” he said.
I rolled my eyes again and on the ledge. I leaned against the frame and looked at him.
“Ok, that’s good, “he said lost in vision, “Don’t move.”
He grabbed a piece of heavy paper and a pencil.
“I thought you were painting.”
“I will, I need to do the sketch first. Don’t move.”
I let out a breath and glanced out the window, careful not to move.
The stars were becoming more visible. And it was then that I began to see again. I saw the stars again. And another, Joel. Then I understood: the fifth star.
I felt the moister fall down my cheeks before I even knew I was crying.
Joel was right, he was here, and he always was. I had just been blinded by the sunset, setting on my dreams. He led me through the dark, he was my eyes.
I glanced up at Joel.
He looked up from his sketch and held my gaze. My heart hammered again. I realized how much I needed him.
“What?” he asked, the tension hidden behind his smooth voice.
“Nothing,” I breathed.
He put down his sketch and walked over to me.
I kept my position.
He knelled in front of the sill.
“You're crying, he murmured.
“You're gonna lose the pose,” I whispered, honestly not caring.
He shook his head and ran his shaky hand down my cheek. “I’ve got the outline.
Like I said, I didn’t care so much. He was looking at me with those weird eyes that use to haunt me, but now had somehow became so familiar.
I boldly rose my hand and placed it on his cheek. He put his hand on mine, so it was trapped between his cheek and hand.
* * * *
He couldn’t believe how warm humans were. It was an amazing feeling.
“You're so cold,” she mumbled, almost incoherent.
It threw him off for a moment and he disguised his fear with a laugh.
“Runs in the family,” which really wasn’t that much of a lie.
“Oh,” she said, what else could she really?
He looked up at her, almost letting his composer slip. “Does it bother you?” And maybe he really didn’t want the answer.
“No,” she whispered, “It doesn’t.”
He tried really hard not to let his joy so too much. “Good,” he whispered.
He really didn’t know why they were whispering. Maybe it was a thing that just happens in moments like these.
He watched her with a knot in his stomach as she slid off the windowsill. He released her hand so he could wrap his arms around her, surprised by how exhilarating it all felt. If he had a heart it would have been racing like hers was.
“You know that I think your whole rebellious attitude about the world is just a way to make people fear you,” she whispered.
You have no idea.
“Oh really?”
She nodded. “You’re a real gentleman underneath it all.”
He chuckled at her choice of words. “Gentleman?”
He watched that rare smile spread across her face. It was so beautiful on her.
He didn’t know what came over him. He placed both hands on the sides of her face then leaned in to kiss her. But then his thoughts caught up with his actions. Did he really want to do this? What if she finds out the truth and it only hurts her in the end. But what if she doesn’t care, what if they could both be together? But that couldn’t happen. He couldn’t stay with her when she would grow old and die and he would stay nineteen forever. He would have to break it off before it got that serious, but then that could hurt her as well.
But what if she wanted that life with him? What if she chose to be immortal with him? No he couldn’t think like that. That was selfish of him. He couldn’t take away her life for his happiness. He couldn’t silence that beautiful heart that was pounding against her chest right now.
“Joel get this—well aren’t we cozy?” Lindsey said suddenly in the room with them.
Rose pulled away in shock and fell back against the wall. He looked up at Lindsey.
“What do you want?” He asked.
“Ryan and I are hungry.”
“Well go get something in the fridge,” Joel said, “We went to the store.”
Lindsey rolled her eyes. “To get cigarettes.”
Rose narrowed her eyes at him and he knew he’d hear it later.
“Then order pizza,” Joel said.
“I don’t get paid till Friday,” she said.
“Fine,” Joel said. He got out his wallet and dug for some cash. God, this was embarrassing. Rose didn’t know about their situation, and now she would.
“Here,” she said pulling out a twenty and giving it to Lindsey.
“No, that’s fine,” Lindsey said taken back. She had always picture humans as selfish beings that destroyed the Earth unknowingly for their desires. Plus, Lindsey hated being weak.
“I like anything eatable,” Rose said with a huge, beautiful, smile.
“Ok,” she said, looking at Joel with a small smile before leaving.
He turned to Rose. “You didn’t have to do that. I could have paid for it.” Even though he had only a five.
“I'm sure you could have, but it doesn’t seem like I really am welcomed by Lindsey,” she said with the smile growing slightly, “And I'm sure she’ll be begging me back now.”
Joel laughed. He liked that she always said the right thing. He was glad she didn’t say anything that meant that he was broke.
He took her hand. “Come on.”
He took her into the living room where everyone else was at.
Ryan was sitting on the floor doing a “Sesame Street” puzzle. He wondered if Rose was confused about Ryan. He was in a seventeen year old body, but had a five year old mind.
Joel pulled Rose on the couch before she could ask anything that would lead to questions that had horrible answers.
They were watching the news. There was talk of a murder and he looked at Lindsey. She knew that it was a werewolf killing. It was in the town called Corence where she used to live with her own clan of vampires. She was actually happy there until a werewolf pack swept through the town and killed her family. They still live there today which is why she’ll never go back.
Rose stole the remote from him.
“Hey!” He yelled trying to get it. He tackled her on the couch, careful not to use his actual strength and careful not to use his weight to tackle her; she was so fragile. He started to tickle her so he could take the remote from her. It was just a game now.
The remote dropped on the ground. They both tried to grab it but it was out of their reach.
“Cheater,” she hissed.
He chuckled. She thought she was intimidating, but she was only a human and she just amused him.
“You started it,” he reminded her.
“Get off me,” she said struggling.
He laughed and leaned to her ear. “You know you like it.”
He laughed again when her pale cheeks grew deep red and her heart raced.
She slapped him playfully that really felt like a little tap to him.
He got up and pulled her up.
“Beer for everyone,” Lindsey said coming in with the twenty-four pack under her arm.
“So you can afford beer but not food.”
“Duh, that’s the first rule living alone,” Lindsey said.
“Do you regret moving out? “ Rose asked.
“Sometimes,” Joel said.
Lindsey looked at him. “We’re fine.”
“Cheese,” Ryan yelled taking a picture of him with a Barbie camera.
“Yeah we’re awesome,” Joel said.
He turned and watched Rose eye the beer then look back at him. She probably had never drank before.
She grabbed the beer and opened it then took a long drink. He watched her make a face but she just took another to wash it down.
“Wow,” Lindsey said, “welcome to the family.”
Joel wasn’t really sure if he was too comfortable about seeing Rose like this. But soon he joined her and soon all of them were singing karaoke.
“‘We’ll I'm not paralyzed but I seem to be struck by you’” Lindsey sung “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven.
Joel laughed with Rose and he stumbled and fell on the floor. She tripped over him. He laughed even though this scared him so much. He didn’t like how weak Rose looked. He wanted her to be better than he was. He wanted to be better for her.
He got up and helped her up. He pulled her down the hall and wondered if he could get her to go to sleep. That would probably help the most. They went in his room and she stumbled over spilling the beer over his carpet.
“Crap, I’m sorry,” she said picking it up upside down, spilling the rest of the liquid onto the floor.
She burst out into the tears he was hoping to avoid. “I’m such a mess!”
He helped her onto the bed then sat next to her.
“You’re just drunk. You’ll feel better tomorrow,” he said not really knowing how to comfort her.
“No I'm a mess sober or not,” she slurred.
“Shh,” he said, “That’s the alcohol talking. You’ll feel a lot better if you get some rest. You’ve had a rough day.”
“No, Joel,” She sobbed, “Mommy’s dead.”
That crushed him and if he had a heart it would have been broken right there. Her child like voice had so much pain in it that it was hardly fair for anyone to have to listen, much less feel like that.
“Shh, honey, it’s alright,” he said gently.
She drew her knees up to her chest and laid her head down against her knees. “No its not.”
He smoothed her wild blonde curls off her face and caressed her cheek.
“I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to miss her and its going to hurt. But after awhile the pain will grow numb and it will just be a part of everyday life. I wish I could take the pain away though.”
“You should know, huh?” She mumbled, “With your parents being dead and all.”
He refused to think about that at the moment.
He just nodded.
She raised her head then flinched. “Ow.” She held her hand to her head.
Joel got up and placed his hand on the back of her head and laid her back on the pillows. He pulled the covers over her and smoothed her hair out of her face.
“Do you remember what I said in the car?”
“Yes”
“Really?”
“No, I'm too drunk.”
Joel smiled. “I said that I was here for you. I mean that.”
She raised her hand and ran her fingers down his cheek, making him catch his breath.
“If my breath didn’t smell like beer, I’d kiss you,” she said.
He was overjoyed. That was an understatement; he felt more than just joy.
He laughed and placed a kiss to her forehead.
She mumbled something about stars.
“What?”
But she was out.
He sighed and lifted the covers to take her shoes off. He tucked her back in and stood up. He went to his sketch and put it away. He got out another page and began to draw her as she slept.
He wondered if they really did get together what would happen. Would he have to tell her? Surely she would find out sooner or later. But it would be nice to not have to hide from her. He wanted her to know, but he didn’t want her to be afraid either.
“Joel?”
He walked over to Rose and found her asleep still.
She turned onto her side. He smiled and went to turn the lamp off. He lay down on the edge of the bed on top of the covers so she wouldn’t feel the cold.
“I’m here,” he whispered in her ear, hoping she would hear it in the dream she was having.
* * * *