Save Your Heart

“Do you guys want to come back to my place and hang?” Alex suggested after their band practice was over. They had their set list all figured out for their upcoming tour that was going to start in less than two weeks. Everyone agreed to go over to Alex’s accept for Derek. He was never one to give up a party. We all looked at him in shock.

He shrugged. “I’m just not up for partying tonight. Plus, Rylin has some homework to do.” He said. I didn’t remember telling him I had homework waiting for me at home. I don’t even remember having any homework. Derek held onto my hand while we said our goodbyes and walked out to his car. The October air was a little crisp. Luckily it was never too cold in Florida. The sky was turning a shade of dark blue as the night crept closer.

“Are you sick or something?” I chuckled. I waited by the passenger door of his car while he unlocked it.

“No.” He replied. We got into his car simultaneously when the locks clicked open. He started the car and looked behind him so he could back out of his parking spot.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you turn down a party.” I said as I put on my seatbelt.

Derek kept his eyes on the road. “I’ll have plenty of time to party on tour. I have less than two weeks with you.

I smiled. “Mmm I adore you.” I leaned closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. I held his right hand while it was on the steering wheel. He gave a light squeeze with his thumb. It were little moments like these that let me know he cared, he cared about us just as much as I did.

When we arrived at his apartment, he immediately went into his bedroom, with me following him. He took off his beanie and t-shirt and flopped onto his bed. I laid down beside him and watched; he was lying on his back with his hands tied behind his neck. Once in a while he would drift off to sleep. The apartment was silent except the occasional sounds of the street outside. I lifted my hand and started tracing small circles on his stomach. I heard a soft and happy moan escape from his lips. He removed one of his hands from the back of his neck, wrapped it around my shoulders, and pulled me closer to his side. I rested my head on his chest; I could hear his heart beating rhythmically. I looked up at him, his eyes were closed. I kissed his jawline softly, then his ear, and I made my way to his lips. I lifted myself up with my elbow so I could reach. His eyes were opened and he watched me kiss his lips repeatedly. At the third kiss, he put his hands on each side of my ribs and lifted me on top of him. His hands danced along my back and the hem of my shirt. My kisses moved to his neck with a tiny bite every once in a while. Little by little, Derek lifted my shirt higher. I could feel his heart beating faster against my chest. Mine was beating rapidly as well. Our kisses went from soft and slow to arousing and passionate. I could feel my shirt halfway up my back. I started to get nervous. He rolled me over onto my back and kissed my neck faintly. His body felt warm, but heavy on top of mine. I could feel my hands beginning to shake. I grabbed onto the sheets in hope they would stop. I closed my eyes, but that just brought back horrible memories of the last time I was in position. I kept them open as Derek’s kisses made their way to my collar bones. I thought of Tyler forcefully taking off my shirt and holding my arms down on the bed. I was begging myself not to freak out. I kept reminding myself that Derek was not Tyler, that I could trust him. I felt his lips on my stomach now. I remembered Tyler frantically taking off his pants and biting my neck in attempt to turn me on. I remembered trying to scream, for help, but no sound coming out of my mouth. I shook my head to get my mindset to this moment, this moment with Derek, my boyfriend who cared about me. I tried to shake Tyler and that night out of my mind. My heart was beating uncontrollably in my ears. I grasped the sheets tighter, but my hands were still shaking. Derek’s lips left my stomach and made their way back to my face. I did my best to act like nothing was wrong. He kissed my lips lightly. I could feel them shaking as the kiss got intense.

Suddenly, Derek pulled away from me. He was breathing heavily “Are you okay?” He breathed. I nodded. If I spoke, he would know I was lying. He shook his head at me. “No you’re not. Baby, you’re shaking.” A swift tear fell down the side of my face. Derek’s eyes watch it go down.

I wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I covered my face with my hands. His finger squeezed it’s way through my hands and pulled them away from my face. He caught another tear with his thumb as it was making it’s way down my cheek.

“There’s no need to apologize, sweetie.”

“It’s just all of these memories came back and...” I tried to explain frantically.

“Shhh.” He calmed me down and lightly pressed his lips against my forehead and then my cheek. “You’re okay. You’re okay.” He whispered. He rolled over on his back and pulled me into his side. I laid my head on his chest again and draped my arm around his stomach. I could feel his fingers brushing through my hair slowly.

My body was calming down, but not my mind. All I could think about was Derek leaving. We’ve been together for four months and we still hadn’t slept together. Tonight was the first time it had almost happened. I could tell he wanted it. Of course he has thought about it. He’s a guy. All I could think was that it was only a matter of time until he found a girl who would give him what he wanted sooner than I would, probably.

I could feel him rhythmically breathing against my hair. I glanced up at him, he was sleeping soundly. I gave him a small kiss on his jawline before falling asleep myself.