Save Your Heart

I opened my eyes to see the sun shining through the window. I reached over to grab my cellphone on the bedside table it read 9:30 AM. I barely slept; I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking about what happened between Derek and I. I still felt horrible for it. I was still nervous about not being good enough anymore. I rolled over to see Derek facing the opposite wall and sleeping soundly. I decided to leave before he got up. I got dressed, grabbed my belongings, and snuck out the door.

I walked the sidewalk alone. The streets were practically empty with the exception of the occasional car speeding by every few minutes. People were probably at church or doing their weekly Sunday shopping. I used the walk home to think. I wasn’t really sure why I left Derek’s before he woke up. Maybe I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened last night. Maybe I was too scared to see him, because perhaps that might be the last time I saw him, the last time I could call him mine. He had grown to mean so much to me over these 4 months that the thought of us not being a couple actually hurt. I always told myself that I wouldn’t let this happen again, that I wouldn’t fall in love again. There was something about Derek, though, that made me feel like he was worth the risk of love. He made me stop thinking of love as a bad thing. Then I fucked up last night, so here I am walking home from Derek’s, because I’m worried about him not liking me anymore.

When I opened the door to the apartment, I heard Natalie giggling up a storm. She was sitting on the kitchen counter with Brooks standing in front of her, her legs wrapped around his torso. His face was buried in her neck.

When I closed the door, Natalie jumped at the sound and looked in my direction. “Hey!” She chimed and pushed Brooks off of her neck. She pointed in my direction.

He looked over and smiled at me. He was shirtless and his blonde, curly hair was quite disheveled.“Hi, Rylin.”

I nodded and smiled in return. I wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. I was heading towards my room when Natalie asked, “You okay, Ry?”

I stopped in my tracks and spun around on my heel to face her. “Yeah. I’m fine.” I replied nonchalantly. “I’m just tired.” With that said, I continued into my room and shut the door behind me. I threw my things on my floor and threw myself on my bed. I didn’t lie to Natalie, I truly was tired. The minute my head hit the pillow, I
put my earphones in my ears, turned on my ipod, and let the music flood my brain, draining out all of my thoughts. Right when I was about to close my eyes, I felt someone sit on my bed. I opened my eyes to see Natalie sitting next to me with her legs brought up to her chest. I took my earphones out of my ears. “Natalie, I’m really not up for talking about Brooks. Can it wait till later?”

She placed her hand on my shoulder.“I told him to take a shower. I’m here for you. What’s going on?”

I shrugged. “Nothing really.”

“Babe, you never come home from Derek’s like this. Something is up, what is it?”

I sat up in my bed and brought my knees up to my chest, too. “Derek and I almost slept together last night.”

Natalie gave me a sympathetic look. If this was anyone else, I wouldn’t tell them, but Natalie and I were friends in high school, when everything happened with Tyler. She knew everything, she went through everything with me. “Oh babe, are you okay?”

My face started to feel hot and I could feel my eyes starting to water. I tried to say something, but I knew I would start to cry if I did. I shook my head. Natalie scooted towards me and wrapped her arms around me. When my head laid on her shoulder, I broke down. She brushed her fingers through my hair to calm me down.

“We started doing things...” I said between sobs. “and...everything came back...to me. I just...I couldn’t...”

“Shhh, calm down.” She tried to relax me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it and the more I thought about it, the more I cried.

“Nat, I fucked up. I fucked everything up.”

“Why would you think such a thing?”

“Because,” I lifted my head and faced her. “we’ve been in a relationship for 4 months and we haven’t slept together.”

“So?”

“He’s a guy. Isn’t that what they all want?”

Natalie chucked at my response. “Well most do.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “But Ry, I see the way Derek looks at you. He is so not with you just to get you in bed. He’s nuts about you. If I’m right about this and Derek is the guy I think he is, he’ll understand. Did you talk to him this morning?”

I shook my head and sniffled. She reached over my shoulder to my bedside and grabbed a tissue for me.

“I bet he’s waking up right now and wondering why you’re not next to him.” She wiped my eyes for me and then handed the tissue for me. I blew my nose into it. I finally calming down. I nodded and continued to blow my nose. “You really love him, don’t you?”

I nodded again. “Yes and it scares the fuck out of me.”

She pulled me into a hug. “It’ll be okay, babe.”

We heard a knock at the door. Natalie looked at me for assurance and I nodded. She ordered for Brooks to come in and he opened the door. He looked at Natalie with a pleading look.

“Go ahead. I’m fine.” I assured her and gave her a grin. She gave me quick squeeze before hopping off of my bed. I was watching her leave when he appeared in my doorway next to Brooks.

There he was, handsome as ever. He had on a green shirt that brought out his eyes. He had a pair of black jeans on. He had his glasses on as well, my favorite. A smile immediately appeared on my face.

Instead of running into Brooks’s arms, Natalie walked up to Derek and hugged him.

“Oh hey, Natalie.” He said, surprised. “It’s nice to see you too.”

“She really loves you.” She replied. She took a hold of Brooks’s hand and walked away from my bedroom.