She Will Be Loved

I sat on the dirty, gas station’s bathroom floor with my knees hugged to my chest. Around me sat three, different, pink testers. They all came from different brands, but all had the same result: a little pink plus sign. I didn’t want to believe it. Just the thought of accepting it made my stomach churn. A soft knock came at the door.

“Come on Kota, it’ll be okay no matter what they say. We need to get to the doctor too,” Val called quietly. I rubbed at my eyes with my knuckles. I leaned up to flick the lock open. Val pushed the door and took in my near-tears form. She sighed, walked in, shut the door, and locked it back. She sat next to me in the same position and picked up all the tests to see the results.

“It’s positive,” I whimpered. “Why does it have to be positive?!”

She brought me into a sideways hug as I tried to choke back my sobs. After a few minutes she sighed. “Come on babe. We need to go.”

I hesitantly stood to my feet with Val’s help. She tossed the tests and packages in the Wal-Mart bag and tossed the bag and its contents in the trash. We walked out with Val’s arm wrapped around my shoulders. We exited the gas station, the owner staring at us, and climbed into Val’s Jeep. Five minutes later we arrived in a medical plaza. We climbed out and headed into an office Val led me into.

“How can I help you?” the overly chipper man behind the desk asked. It was a first time for me to see a male secretary. Is the doctor gay? I instantly shrugged it off as Val talked.

“Yes, this is Dakota Sanders. She has an appointment with Dr. Wilson.”

“Oh yes, he mention we were expecting her today,” the guy agreed, typing away at his computer. After a few moments he smiled, nodding. “Just on time. Just go ahead and go into room number two. He should be in there soon.”

“Thank-you,” Val spoke for both of us. She headed down the hallway and held open the door, with a silver two on it, open. After we both stepped in she sat on a normal chair next to the small counter and I sat on the flat, cushioned table with paper on it. Val saw my frowning face and smiled weakly. “It’ll be okay Kota.”

I didn’t reply. But lucky that was just when a man walked in. He looked like he was in his mid-thirties. He had short, spiked, brown hair. He wore thin-wired, silver glasses in front of green eyes. He wore a button up, light blue shirt with khaki pants. Over it all was an unbuttoned lab coat all doctors seemed to wear. He walked in reading over a clipboard which I couldn’t imagine what could possibly be on it. As he shut the door he smiled widely.

“Good to see you again Valary. I hope Matt’s behaving?” He hinted as he placed down the clipboard on the counter.

“As much as he ever will,” she scoffed. She smiled at him brightly. “This is his niece Dakota. She found it more comfortable to not have Matt hovering over her like a worried hen.”

I decided not to point out that she was the worried hen. Instead I just smiled weakly and nodded. He ‘tsk’ed and shook his head. “Val, after how long I’ve known you I would hope you wouldn’t lie to me. The only sibling he has is Amy and she clearly hasn’t had a kid. Now, what’s the truth?”

I mentally began to panic. Would he kick us out for this? Maybe arrest us? My worry for that melted away as Val laughed. “Okay, you got us. She’s a new friend of ours and we figured we’d just say she was his niece so she could stay with us.”

“You’re not going to tell, are you?” I blurted out. Stupid word vomit. He rose an eyebrow and removed his glasses to place in his coat’s breast pocket.

“Patient confidentiality, my dear. I couldn’t - according to law - or I’d lose my license. Now, what’s the problem?” Dr. Wilson asked as he sat down on the stool, pen poised over clipboard to write. I looked down and began to twiddle my thumbs.

“Dakota is pregnant,” Val spoke up. Out of my peripheral vision I saw him place down his pen and alternate between looking at me and Val. Finally his eyes settled on me.

“And who is the father?”

“I don’t know,” I spoke honestly, choking on my tears. I quickly coughed into my closed fist and rubbed at my eyes. I really didn’t feel like breaking down in the doctor’s office. He’d probably suggest a psychiatrist and I did not like them at all.

“We’ll have to do a few tests to see how far along you are and if the fetus is healthy,” Dr. Wilson continued. If he was disgusted by my unknowing of the father, he didn’t lead on in the least. “And you will also have to decide whether you would like to go full term.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve never believed in abortion.” As I said this I looked directly at Val. Of course those are the words I said, but to Val it probably sounded like I’m a pregnant teen and it’s not changing. She smiled and nodded. I let out a soft sigh of relief.

“Good. I get terribly upset at anyone who is for it,” Dr. Wilson assured with a kind smile. He scribbled something down on his clipboard and stood, promising a nurse would be in soon. Once he had left the room Val turned to me.

“I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but how do you not know the father of the child Kota?” Val asked quietly. I bit my bottom lip and looked down at my legs which had been crossed Indian style under me. I knew at least one of the two would think I was a slut, if not both.

“It’s complicated,” I said, like I had earlier in my bathroom. She frowned and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Kota, you know you can tell me, right?”

“No, I can’t,” I replied quietly, but sternly. She opened her mouth to say something, but the female nurse I hadn’t seen earlier walked in. She was smiling brightly as she closed the door and Val stepped back. Everyone who worked here seemed a little too happy.

“Okay, we just have a few tests. Once those are done you’ll be on your way,” she chirped.



Thirty minutes later we were back at home. The nurses had found out it didn’t seem to have any troubles and it was a perfectly healthy pregnancy so far. Val and I hadn’t spoken to each other since the nurse walked in. When we arrived all the guys were anxiously waiting, but I just shook my head and walked outside to sit beside the beach. For all I know Val told everyone, but I couldn’t really care.

“Kota?” I didn’t bother turning my head to see who had come out. He sat down beside me where I had my knees hugged to my chest. The waves moving under the morning sun kept my attention as I tried to think of something besides the possible bastard child growing in my belly.

“I’m not in the mood to talk Jimmy,” I sighed when he continued to sit next to me.

“That’s fine. I can just sit here.” I groaned, rubbing my eyes and letting my glasses then fall back onto the bridge of my nose.

“By that I mean I want to be left alone.”

“Not a chance.” I turned to glare at him. He stared at me with a blank face. Slowly a smile crept onto his face. “Don’t pretend you hate me. You know you wanna tell me.”

“No,” I snapped, resting my chin on my knees and watching the waves again. In reality I really did. I wanted to unburden myself and I knew Jimmy was the best person to tell. He wouldn’t tell anyone as long as I asked him not to. That’s one reason everyone could trust James Sullivan.

“Don’t lie to me,” Jimmy sang. I sighed, burying my face in my arms.

“You promise you won’t tell?”

“I promise.” I looked up and childishly held out my pinky finger. He hooked it and rose an eyebrow as I rose my middle finger right after that.

“Only middle fingers can swear,” I spoke softly in a child-like voice. He chuckled before hooking our middle fingers too. We shook our hands before letting them down. I took a deep breath and searched Jimmy’s eyes as I began.

“I left Boston because my father was abusive. After my mum went back to England he began drinking all the time. We’d get into fights – physical and verbal – until I was sixteen. That’s when I did this.” I leaned back and rose my tank and hoodie and lowered my shorts a little to show my ‘ruined’ scar. Jimmy gasped, his hand hovering over it.

“Has anyone seen this?”

“Only Brian. It’s why he calmed down and we got so close,” I informed as I put my clothes back to normal. “It started with just my father then he began to sell me to friends so he could get drugs. A week before I left my father and his friend Adrian raped me. Now, three weeks later, I am pregnant with one of them’s baby.”

By this time big, messy tears were making their way down my face. Jimmy silently took me into his long arms, pulling me into his lap. He began to rock us back and forth and sing a song I didn’t know. His voice was relaxing and soon my sobs were reduced to sniffles. Once he was sure I stopped he raised my chin with a finger. I looked into his endless blue eyes as he studied me.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know you may be scared, I couldn’t blame you, but you’re not alone. You have me, Val, and the rest of the guys. You have your friends and you have the guys of My Chemical Romance. You’re not alone anymore and your father cannot hurt you anymore.”

“I know Jimmy, but my trust – it’s gone. I can’t trust even myself. My walls are too high to break down. They’ve been building for ten years, I can’t just will them away.”

“I know it’s going to be hard, but you can trust us. We’re not going to hurt you, none of us.”

I searched his eyes for a lie and saw none. I smiled weakly and nodded my head. “Thank-you Jimmy.”

He kissed my forehead lovingly, like my father used to when I was six. “No problem, my little Kotybear.”