How to Live

“I thought your Mommy told you to stay out of the water.” I say looking down at my son who was knee deep in the rolling waves. Sure his knees were barely above my ankles but he didn’t have his swimmies on and it flat out wasn’t safe.

“Dad, I thought I saw a shark and I wanted to be friends with it!” he protested looking up at me with eyes just like my own.

“I know your Mommy says sharks can be friends but I’m not a fan.” I say scooping him up holding him in one arm.

“Dad, no one likes the San Jose Sharks they are the bad guys. Their shark isn’t like real sharks Mommy said so.” Luke responded content to be held. I needed to hold him more.

“You and your Mommy with those sharks. You’re crazy the both of you.” I say starting to walk along my own feet in the water.

“Sharks are cool. Whale sharks don’t even eat fish Dad. Fish are friends not food.” he said resting his head against my shoulder before quoting Finding Nemo to me.

He must have felt me sigh because he lifted his head a concerned look on his face. “Daddy, I know you’re busy and work really hard. It’ll be ok.” he said softly before returning my head to his shoulder.

I think my heart broke a little at first due to his face but then his words struck me down. I was failing him as a father. I needed to be there more. I needed to be the one to tuck him in as much as I could, I needed to be the one to take him to Doctor’s appointments where he was getting shots. I needed to be a Dad rather than this guys who lived in his house with him which was all I had been lately.

“Lukey…” I said getting a little hum from him. He was so like his Mother sometimes it was scary. She always responded the same way when in a state of comfort drinking in the moments. “I’m going to be a better Dad.”

“Oh, Daddy you’re great! You’re a hero, all my friends at pre-school give me high fives when you have a good game.” he said continuing to rest against my shoulder.

“I mean more than that buddy. I mean being home more and being able to play more. I mean eating at the table with you and your Mom when I can. Do you remember when we used to video chat when I was away? I want to start doing that again too.” I explained sure he wasn’t really getting it. “See your Grandpa is the best Dad ever.”

“You mean New Jersey Grandpa?” he asked perking up a little.

“Yeah buddy. My Dad. See, he’s better at it than I am. I don’t know why but he just is.”

“He is really good at playing.” Luke said with a little shrug. “I like the ball on a string game in the backyard.”

“Tether ball.” I clarified before continuing. “See when I was a little older than you, My Dad made some mistakes but he made sure I was taken care of. He made sure that I always had what I needed and I got to learn how to play hockey because I loved it and am good at it.” I shifted Luke higher in my arm so he was supporting his own head but still sitting on my arm pressed against my side. “I want to be able to do those things for you. Not hockey if you don’t like it but with whatever you want to do. I know you might not know what it is yet but I want you to know I’ll be there making it happen for you.”

“Of course you will Daddy. You always are.” Luke said putting his hand on my face lightly. “You take me fishing and skating and I love you and you love me.”

I had never cried in front of Luke before but the tears welled in my eyes. How was it that I could be doing nothing right but he still believes in me and loves me? “I love you too buddy.” I said sniffing brushing the tears from my face. “You want to go in the water? We can go get your swimmies on and I’ll take you.”

“Can Mommy come too?” he asked getting squirmy in my arms.

“Yeah she can.” I say putting him down. He doesn’t stray though taking my hand heading up the beach towards his mother.