Not Strong Enough

It was easy to say that I was torn at the moment. Between the person I had considered my best friend since Elementary School, and the man that I was in love with. Mentally I had tallied the pros and cons of the situation. Only Jimmy’s severely outweighed Zacky’s, something that I was worried would happen.

Had I honestly overlooked the situation for so long? Was I too far in denial by thinking that things would one day be okay? Did I lose my reality to a fantasy based on memories?

All I could think about was Zacky’s drunken rambling. What had he meant when he said he shouldn’t have to act that way anymore? Then Jimmy mentioning how he was screwed up in the head. I was beginning to wonder if there was something that I didn’t know.

I wanted answers to the two big questions that I had no doubt created most of the big picture. I just had to wait; I had to wait for Zacky to finally drag himself back to the hotel. Whether he walked in ten minutes from now or six hours it didn’t matter.
Sitting down and finally collecting my thoughts had left me confused, and shockingly angry. If Jimmy was so desperate for me to take care of things, then I owed it to him. I didn’t want to be the bystander anymore, taking whatever was thrown at me.

Realizing that waiting was no good, I grabbed my things and headed for the door. Not knowing where the sudden courage had sprung from. Only I knew that I wanted Zacky back, the slightly shy and trusting person I had fallen for. I couldn’t keep up with the promiscuous liar who knew that I would forgive him instantly. I had to get to the bottom of this, no matter who got hurt.

My search didn’t take long; as I swung the door open I was met with his shocked expression, the key to the door in his hand.

“I was just on my way to find you,” I stated as he put the key back into his pocket.

“Well you found me,” he replied slipping by me and made his way into the center of the room while peeling off his jacket.

“We need to talk,” I blurted after I had shut the door.

He merely glanced at me over his shoulder before going through his bag pulling out new clothes.

“Look, I really just want to take a shower and got to bed, Brian.”

There was something about his tone, he had sounded defeated. I couldn’t think of a time I had ever heard it before. For a moment I was tempted to let him have what he wanted, and then I remembered Jimmy’s angry words. I had to get to the bottom of this.

“You can wash off the smell of whatever skank you hooked up with later. We’re going to talk, and you’re not getting out of it,” I stated.

This time I had his full attention, the shock I had seen only moments before was back on his face before it disappeared just as quickly. Dropping his clothes in a pile he crossed his arms over his chest and nodded.

“Okay, what the hell are we going to talk about?”

“I want to know what the hell is going on, Zacky. Isn’t that obvious?” I questioned wondering if he was playing stupid.

“A lot of shit has happened, Brian. Narrow it down for me, will you?” the defeated tone was long gone as it turned back into that hard and slightly bitter one that I was too familiar with.

“Okay how about the fact that you cheat on me? All the time might I add, and I’m always the one to catch you. How about that drunken confession of yours? The one where you kept moaning on about how you shouldn’t have to act that way? While we’re at it, tell me what you told Jimmy earlier today. If I understood him correctly there’s some damn reason why you’re doing all of this. Apparently you’re reason is so ridiculous he thinks you’re screwed up in the head,” I ranted trying to keep my voice from rising.

He was quiet for a few seconds. Eyes on the floor as his body posture slacked. The tightness with which he held his arms across his chest loosened as one fell to his side and the other moved to grip his shoulder.

“I’m waiting,” I pressed for the answers.

“I didn’t cheat on you tonight,” he claimed as he looked up to me before sighing, “can we please just do this tomorrow? Brian I don’t want to deal with this tonight.”

“No,” I evenly stated.

His usually bright green eyes dulled and the expression on his face made me think of a beaten puppy. I couldn’t win if he was playing the victim.

“I’m serious Zacky; neither of us will leave this room or sleep until I get my answers. So wipe that look off your face and deal with it.”

“What exactly did Jimmy tell you?”

“He said that if I don’t do something about this mess, he will. He also told me to ask you what you told him this morning. So I’m waiting,” I answered.

“Don’t make me do this Bri, please? It’s fucked up and pathetic and I just… I’ll stop. Just let it go please?” the defeat was back and it seemed like in that moment his entire world was falling down around him.

“I let you pull me around for too long, I’m not going to let you off the hook. I’m telling you Zacky, either you fucking explain or this ends now. Its your choice, now make the decision.”

His eyes glazed over as his lips parted in shock. I hadn’t planned on taking it that far, and was beginning to regret saying that last bit. I waited, I don’t know how long, but it was clear that he wasn’t going to say anything.

“You’ve got nothing to say then?”

When I didn’t get an answer I shook my head and made my way over to the dresser, "Well then goodbye, Zacky.”