Status: Active
Decorated Emergency
Worry
I lean my back against the wall as I sit quietly in my room readying The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I have read it many times but right now it was helping me get my mind off things. As I read it this time I put myself in Charlie’s shoes. I just read it like I am the one writing the letters, like I am the one who went through everything that has happened to him. It was nice to be living as someone else even if they were so much younger that I am.
A knock on my door makes me look up from the book. I stare at the doorway that now has Michael in it. He stares at me with pain in his eyes. “Can we go for a walk? Ever since you came back here you never leave your room,” he takes a steady step into the room.
I stare at him blankly then place my book down on my bed. I sigh before getting onto my feet. “I don’t see a point in even trying anymore. Nothing matters,” I shrug my shoulders.
Michael sighs. “You have guys, very attractive guys I may add, come here to see you all the time and you never let them actually see you. That’s the only time you aren’t in your room. You go away and hide. I’m worried about you,” his voice is soft and caring.
“Can we go outside to the garden?” I ask him with a raised eyebrow.
He nods his head up and down quickly. He extends his hand out towards me to take and I do. He holds my hand up and stares at my wedding ring. “One thing that matters, is that ring. I know he still matters to you. You know…he comes here a lot to see you. He always waits till Brendon leaves to try to talk to you,” Michael squeezes my hand and I pull it away. He looks at me like he hurt me as we walk down the hallway together. “I’m sorry. I just think it may be time to face him. Bren told me everything that happened,” Michael stops walking and looks at me.
I keep walking to the open door that leads to the back garden area. It wasn’t even a garden. When the hospital opened, it did have a beautiful garden but they just let it all die out. I guess it really didn’t matter how it looked since nobody really went out back. I can hear Michael groan and then he pushes past me and walks outside. I hurry after him to the half broken bench that was placed in the center of the yard.
Our backs are to the building and Michael is quietly sitting just staring at the metal fence in front of us. It took a few minutes before he began to speak saying, “you need to let out your frustration on Ryan. You never let him defend himself.”
I stare at him blankly. I sigh looking away and toward the fence. “Why should I vent out to you? You hate me,” I mumble.
Michael groans loudly slapping his hands against his thighs. “I don’t hate you. You hate everyone. Open your fucking eyes for once. All these years I have tried to talk to you and you just ignore me. You ignore everyone. After sometime it gets annoying. I have had this huge crush on since the day I came here. I don’t ever just like someone, especially girls. I’m gay. Just, forget about hating for like once second in your life and just open up. Brendon is worried about you and so is pretty much everyone who knows you. Even Annie at the front desk is worried about you,” he places his hand on my leg and leans closer to me. “Come on Noland Rae. I’m here as a friend,” he lowed his voice.
My mouth twitches and I have to close to my eyes tightly. “Ryan hurt me. I have never trusted anyone and I trusted him with my life. We got married and it was stupid. I want to be with him because I do love him, I am in love with him but I can’t just forgive him. He cheated on me. God I was so stupid. I gave my heart to him and now look at me? And then there is Brendon. Did he tell you what happened between us? I overheard a phone call of him and just, I don’t know. I forgave him. The guys are so amazing to me and I do love having them around but Ryan is a different story. I just, I can’t bring myself to take him back.
“And then there is school. I don’t want to go back. There is that crazy girl Z who tried to rape me and now that new girl who got Ryan to cheat on me. He probably is still sleeping with her,” I have to stop and take a deep breath. “Ugh. I thought I was doing so well. I tried to fix myself for him and now look at me. I fucked up all of my hair and I honestly hate how I look. I hate myself,” I choke on my breathing.
Michael puts his hand on my back and slowly rubs it. “Let it out. Nobody is here to hurt you,” he whispers in my ear.
I flutter my lashing and sniffle. “He just got so angry at me for no reason. How is that suppose to make me feel? I stopped cutting and it was for him. I would forget about killing myself because he made me feel amazing. Fuck…I just really love him. But he has just shoved me to the ground,” tears flood out of my eyes. “I want a normal life and even a family. Not now, I don’t want kids now, but in the future. I want to finish school and get a degree. I want to just be happy but I can't if I have a cheating scumbag of a husband. My mom should have never taken me out of this place. The best thing she ever did was put me in here,” I turn to Michael and hug him tightly letting out all my tears.
He holds me tightly letting me shake in his arms. “I wish I could just forget about all this and forgive Ryan but it’s not that simple. He doesn’t understand how much I love him. Gah, I just want to punch him in the face right now,” I mumble into his neck.
Michael pushes me arms-ways-apart. I open my eyes and stare at him. “Close your eyes and breathe slowly. Try to keep yourself calm,” his hands rub down my arms and I listen to him.
I close my eyes tightly and try to relax myself. It hurts. My breathing keeps jumping from my crying. The bench moves and I can tell it is from Michael standing up. It then moves again from what I am guessing is him sitting back down. Arms go around me and pull me close. I inhale deeply and my eyes open but all I see is a neck. I knew the feeling of this body and the smell. I press my hands to his chest and try my hardest to push him away. He lets me.
My eyes meet with Ryan’s. “I hate you,” my lip twitches.
Ryan swallows hard and shakes his head. “I know you don’t. Please hear me out Nol,” he grabs hold of my hand and stares deeply into my eyes. “I love you. That girl, she meant nothing and still means nothing. She controlled my mind somehow. It was that Z girl. She wanted to hurt you and look, it worked. I don’t even remember what happened. My mind was blank throughout it. I am here for you and only you. I live for you. I hate sitting in my dorm all day just worrying about you. Exams are coming up in a few weeks and then we are off for the summer. I want you to come live with me at Jon’s house. I am planning on getting my own apartment and I want you to live with me. I want everything to be perfect with us because I love you so much,” Ryan tells me. He runs his fingers through my hair and then cups my cheek.
I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. I just sit in there and stare at him. The bench moves again and a hand lands on my back. I turn away from Ryan to see that Brendon has sat down.
“We found the girl and questioned her. We have her admitting on tape. Ryan loves you. We are all worried about you. Come back to school because life sucks without you being there. We need your goofy laugh and your happy-go-lucky smile,” Brendon smiles and cups my cheek. “You’re a beautiful girl that deserves to be happy and I know Ryan fucked up, but he is only human and no one makes you as happy as he does. You have this look in your eyes when he is in the room. You even have a different smile that you only give him. It's special and no one can take that away,” his thumb rubs against my cheek before his hand falls.
I turn around and look into Ryan’s eyes. “Don’t let me worry about you anymore. Please let me keep you happy and safe,” Ryan whispers placing both his hands on my thighs.
I keep quiet and look away from him. Brendon and Michael are standing next to the bench with Spencer and Jon along side. Everyone had come for this. It made me wonder if Ryan had heard everything I had said. I look back at Ryan and sigh. “I’m not sleeping in the same bed as you,” I tell him softly.
Ryan gasps and then wraps his arms around me pulling me close to him. His hold is tight and I can tell it meant a lot to me.
A knock on my door makes me look up from the book. I stare at the doorway that now has Michael in it. He stares at me with pain in his eyes. “Can we go for a walk? Ever since you came back here you never leave your room,” he takes a steady step into the room.
I stare at him blankly then place my book down on my bed. I sigh before getting onto my feet. “I don’t see a point in even trying anymore. Nothing matters,” I shrug my shoulders.
Michael sighs. “You have guys, very attractive guys I may add, come here to see you all the time and you never let them actually see you. That’s the only time you aren’t in your room. You go away and hide. I’m worried about you,” his voice is soft and caring.
“Can we go outside to the garden?” I ask him with a raised eyebrow.
He nods his head up and down quickly. He extends his hand out towards me to take and I do. He holds my hand up and stares at my wedding ring. “One thing that matters, is that ring. I know he still matters to you. You know…he comes here a lot to see you. He always waits till Brendon leaves to try to talk to you,” Michael squeezes my hand and I pull it away. He looks at me like he hurt me as we walk down the hallway together. “I’m sorry. I just think it may be time to face him. Bren told me everything that happened,” Michael stops walking and looks at me.
I keep walking to the open door that leads to the back garden area. It wasn’t even a garden. When the hospital opened, it did have a beautiful garden but they just let it all die out. I guess it really didn’t matter how it looked since nobody really went out back. I can hear Michael groan and then he pushes past me and walks outside. I hurry after him to the half broken bench that was placed in the center of the yard.
Our backs are to the building and Michael is quietly sitting just staring at the metal fence in front of us. It took a few minutes before he began to speak saying, “you need to let out your frustration on Ryan. You never let him defend himself.”
I stare at him blankly. I sigh looking away and toward the fence. “Why should I vent out to you? You hate me,” I mumble.
Michael groans loudly slapping his hands against his thighs. “I don’t hate you. You hate everyone. Open your fucking eyes for once. All these years I have tried to talk to you and you just ignore me. You ignore everyone. After sometime it gets annoying. I have had this huge crush on since the day I came here. I don’t ever just like someone, especially girls. I’m gay. Just, forget about hating for like once second in your life and just open up. Brendon is worried about you and so is pretty much everyone who knows you. Even Annie at the front desk is worried about you,” he places his hand on my leg and leans closer to me. “Come on Noland Rae. I’m here as a friend,” he lowed his voice.
My mouth twitches and I have to close to my eyes tightly. “Ryan hurt me. I have never trusted anyone and I trusted him with my life. We got married and it was stupid. I want to be with him because I do love him, I am in love with him but I can’t just forgive him. He cheated on me. God I was so stupid. I gave my heart to him and now look at me? And then there is Brendon. Did he tell you what happened between us? I overheard a phone call of him and just, I don’t know. I forgave him. The guys are so amazing to me and I do love having them around but Ryan is a different story. I just, I can’t bring myself to take him back.
“And then there is school. I don’t want to go back. There is that crazy girl Z who tried to rape me and now that new girl who got Ryan to cheat on me. He probably is still sleeping with her,” I have to stop and take a deep breath. “Ugh. I thought I was doing so well. I tried to fix myself for him and now look at me. I fucked up all of my hair and I honestly hate how I look. I hate myself,” I choke on my breathing.
Michael puts his hand on my back and slowly rubs it. “Let it out. Nobody is here to hurt you,” he whispers in my ear.
I flutter my lashing and sniffle. “He just got so angry at me for no reason. How is that suppose to make me feel? I stopped cutting and it was for him. I would forget about killing myself because he made me feel amazing. Fuck…I just really love him. But he has just shoved me to the ground,” tears flood out of my eyes. “I want a normal life and even a family. Not now, I don’t want kids now, but in the future. I want to finish school and get a degree. I want to just be happy but I can't if I have a cheating scumbag of a husband. My mom should have never taken me out of this place. The best thing she ever did was put me in here,” I turn to Michael and hug him tightly letting out all my tears.
He holds me tightly letting me shake in his arms. “I wish I could just forget about all this and forgive Ryan but it’s not that simple. He doesn’t understand how much I love him. Gah, I just want to punch him in the face right now,” I mumble into his neck.
Michael pushes me arms-ways-apart. I open my eyes and stare at him. “Close your eyes and breathe slowly. Try to keep yourself calm,” his hands rub down my arms and I listen to him.
I close my eyes tightly and try to relax myself. It hurts. My breathing keeps jumping from my crying. The bench moves and I can tell it is from Michael standing up. It then moves again from what I am guessing is him sitting back down. Arms go around me and pull me close. I inhale deeply and my eyes open but all I see is a neck. I knew the feeling of this body and the smell. I press my hands to his chest and try my hardest to push him away. He lets me.
My eyes meet with Ryan’s. “I hate you,” my lip twitches.
Ryan swallows hard and shakes his head. “I know you don’t. Please hear me out Nol,” he grabs hold of my hand and stares deeply into my eyes. “I love you. That girl, she meant nothing and still means nothing. She controlled my mind somehow. It was that Z girl. She wanted to hurt you and look, it worked. I don’t even remember what happened. My mind was blank throughout it. I am here for you and only you. I live for you. I hate sitting in my dorm all day just worrying about you. Exams are coming up in a few weeks and then we are off for the summer. I want you to come live with me at Jon’s house. I am planning on getting my own apartment and I want you to live with me. I want everything to be perfect with us because I love you so much,” Ryan tells me. He runs his fingers through my hair and then cups my cheek.
I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. I just sit in there and stare at him. The bench moves again and a hand lands on my back. I turn away from Ryan to see that Brendon has sat down.
“We found the girl and questioned her. We have her admitting on tape. Ryan loves you. We are all worried about you. Come back to school because life sucks without you being there. We need your goofy laugh and your happy-go-lucky smile,” Brendon smiles and cups my cheek. “You’re a beautiful girl that deserves to be happy and I know Ryan fucked up, but he is only human and no one makes you as happy as he does. You have this look in your eyes when he is in the room. You even have a different smile that you only give him. It's special and no one can take that away,” his thumb rubs against my cheek before his hand falls.
I turn around and look into Ryan’s eyes. “Don’t let me worry about you anymore. Please let me keep you happy and safe,” Ryan whispers placing both his hands on my thighs.
I keep quiet and look away from him. Brendon and Michael are standing next to the bench with Spencer and Jon along side. Everyone had come for this. It made me wonder if Ryan had heard everything I had said. I look back at Ryan and sigh. “I’m not sleeping in the same bed as you,” I tell him softly.
Ryan gasps and then wraps his arms around me pulling me close to him. His hold is tight and I can tell it meant a lot to me.