Terribly Fixated on You

Lesson number 5; never underestimate how quickly one can change their mind.

If there was ever a time that I had felt this much pain, besides my fathers death, I did not want to go back to it. I was in so much pain from gaining and losing everything all in one day. It was strange though because in the end I came out with what I started with. Our friendships. Tyler and I hadn't just had sex, anybody could just have sex. No, Tyler and I had made love. An intense love that I would never be able to find with anyone else.

It made sense to me that we should just stay friends in case we didn't work out in the real world, but the more I thought about it and twisted it around in my head... it didn't anymore. He told me that he was going to end it with Lily because he really hadn't thought it through before he gave her an answer, but that didn't change the fact that we were remaining friends. If we couldn't be together, I was good with our friendship at least.

It had been a couple of days since everything happened with Tyler and me and so far we were doing pretty good at having things feel normal. We of course didn't mention the forest and we never told each other we were in love again. We created an atmosphere where we both knew it happened, but we didn't let it affect our friendship in the least bit. And that my friends, is how strong our bond is.

We were sitting in my room with my head on his chest just like any other regular day for us and we were talking about his old place. Well, technique this was his old place which he just moved back to, but old place as in where he lived last. I still hadn't been in his room yet, he wouldn't let me. Apparently it wasn't finished being made up yet.

"I always thought that Macy Mills would ask me out in ninth grade, but she never did. It made living there hell. She picked John Petrick over me. John Petrick! He was the lowest, filthiest, and most annoying guy in the whole school. I was so insulted." I was listening intently and laughing as Tyler told me the story of his ninth grade crush.

"Well maybe John Petrick had a very good heart once you got to know him." I said poking him on his chest where his heart was located. It's probably impossible for normal people to keep going on in a friendship after something so drastic happens but we weren't normal people, we could deal with drastic changes.

"I still don't like him." He said giving me a little pout. I laughed and shook my head at him. Maybe things with us could happen again sometime in the future. Who knows, maybe we'll get married someday but for right now we couldn't be together. And it sucked, because I had so many things I wanted to say to him in response to this girl choosing someone else over him.

"Well the girl was obviously crazy," I got up from the bed and walked over to my phone that was buzzing on the computer desk. 3 weeks, I'd appreciate it if you came. I read the text slowly and then whipped my phone over to the pillow beside Tyler. He looked at me stunned and didn't say anything.

"I swear if she says anything about that one more time. I mean, she can't just... ugh. I hate my mom sometimes. Did you know that? I swear to god." I walked over to where my phone was and sat down on my bed trying to take deep breaths and calm down.

"What's going on?" Tyler said looking at me with concern. "What happened with your mom?" I sat in silence for a second while I calmed down, or at least attempted to calm down. I didn't want to go to my dad's stupid stone, why couldn't she just drop the damn subject.

"Nothing. My dad. My mom wants me to go see his tombstone on the anniversary of his death and I really don't want to. I mean, I cut myself because of the pain from him dying. You think she would just leave me the fuck alone!" I buried my face in my hands and tried to calm myself down again. Nothing was working. I was raging with anger. She just didn't get it.

"What do you mean you cut yourself?" He said, his voice sad and soft. Maybe he didn't understand the email I had sent him. Maybe he didn't end up getting it and he really did miss me all of these years. Or maybe he just forgot.

"It was in my e-mail, Tyler. Not that you replied to it or anything. I was hurt you know. I was physically and emotionally hurt and I needed you. I needed you the most then than I ever have in my entire life. Sure we were 12 years old and you probably wouldn't even know how to respond to it now, but effort would have been nice."

"Woah, slow down. What e-mail?" I could tell that he was getting panicked with me since I had decided to go on this big rampage of everything that was bothering me about the whole damn event. I wasn't even going to mention the e-mail to him but he was with me at a very wrong time.

"I can show it to you." I walked over to my computer and moved the mouse a little bit to change the screen from black to the Internet that I already had opened. I signed into my email and searched through the e-mails that Tyler and I had shared throughout the years until I found the one unanswered. Usually it would have been at the top but something was messing up on hot mail lately and so everything was jumbled. I only showed him the important part, because the rest was just a bunch of random crap.

"It's the anniversary of my dad's death today and I didn't go to the cemetery. I feel like my dad wouldn't want me to go because he shouldn't be remembered as a rock, but my mom's upset with me. She always is when I tell her I'm not going. Everything in my life is so messed up, Tyler. I miss you so much. Come home to me. Pack up your bags and fly on an airplane or something. Do it for me, because I love you. We may only be twelve years old but we can do anything we set our minds to. At least that's what my dad used to tell me.

I feel like I'm dying, Tyler. I feel like the world is collapsing. You're the only one who can save me, you know that too. I can't breath, Tyler. I need you here. I may be 12 years old, but I know I need you here more than anything else in my life. This stuff with my dad has been driving me insane. I want to know why. Why him? My mom said to not worry about him anymore, that he's in a better place. I know that we talk about him, Tyler, but never like this. Please come home. You're home will always be here with me. You're my other half. Look at your hand and you'll think the same thing. It hurts. It hurts so bad."

I watched as he read every word, his face going pale white with each sentence. He looked so sad, so upset while he read it. I couldn't even describe how drained his face got as he neared the end. He looked so worried. He looked so sad. And then he started to cry.

"I never read that email. I promise, if I had I would have. How come... you... you were in so much pain and I wasn't there," I suddenly felt extremely bad for bringing it up. He was crying. Tyler never cried.

"Please don't cry," I said softly while I closed my eyes. I felt him reach for my hands and then turn them over, revealing the scars on my wrists. He ran a finger over their faint lines and then stood up and hugged me. It was a protecting hug, one that felt like he was never going to let go. It only struck me now that he was in love with me still. This was probably killing him.

He picked me up and carried me over to my bed and kissed my forehead. I really wanted him to kiss the pain away but he didn't. I knew he wouldn't. He pulled the blankets over us and pulled me closer to him. I rested my head into his chest and we stayed there like that for a really long time.

"I'm so sorry," He said his voice cracking. I looked up at him and wiped away his tears. His green eyes sparkling with the sunlight in my room. I couldn't believe what I was about to say, but I was saying it anyways.

"Tyler," I whispered making sure to keep eye contact.

"I'm sorry,"

"Kiss me. It's my turn now. I need you, I need to be able to kiss you. We can just be friends with benefits. All I know is that I really thought I could do this but now suddenly at this very moment I'm not sure." I was a hypocrite. Here I was ranting on about how we could pretend that everything was normal and still be best friends when something drastic happens and now suddenly, I couldn't be just normal.

He kissed me gently and for a very long time. We didn't do anything more, all I needed was the feeling of him against me with his lips pressed against mine. I didn't want him to be upset, I needed him to smile.

"Be my girlfriend," He said once he stopped kissing me. I could feel my cheeks start to blush. The words echoed in my head a million times. Did he really just say that? After everything that had happened?

"The other night was pointless if I say yes," I couldn't hide my shock. I couldn't hide my happiness. I also couldn't hide the fact that I was irritated. I didn't look away from him the whole time.

"Don't hate me for being stupid about my decisions that night." It felt like he had put me through pain for no reason, but yet he had a reason. He had a very good reason. One that didn't work, but a reason nonetheless.

"You wanted to save our friendship from heartbreak and misery." I placed my hand on his cheek and brought his left hand over to my heart with my free hand.

"I was scared."

"I was too."

"I love you."

"For now."

"Forever."

"Yes."