Another Memory

Alison’s P.O.V.:

We were awoken by Frank, though it was kind of expected. He went off screaming throughout the entire level we were on and long story short, we were kicked out before we even had the time to shower.

“Thanks, Frank. My hair looks like shit now,” Lisa moaned, clearly not impressed by his earlier activities. Christie beside her didn’t look all that happy with him, either.

“Ohh man, it was totally worth it!” Frank beamed, though was quick to quiet down once he saw the look his girlfriend was giving him.

“Right, out. I’m dropping Alison home,” Gerard said as we got onto his neighbourhood, the tyres screeching to a halt just outside his house. I figured that the girls had lifts home from there, and Frank would probably just stay the night. I looked to the rear-view mirror to catch a glimpse of Gerard’s smile aimed towards me as he asked if I’d like to sit up front with him. Of course I did.

“So you should call me tonight, or something,” Gerard said softly as he drove. “I mean, only if you want to. When you’re ready to, and all.” He took my hand in his and I smiled, loving how normal everything felt. Though as normal as the situation had turned out, I couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling that overcame me. I wasn’t sure what it was and so shook it off, though I knew it wasn’t going to readily go away. Not just like that, anyway.

I sat with the phone in my hands and Ways’ phone number on a piece of paper in front of me, but found myself suddenly too nervous to call. I knew what he wanted to talk about, but I couldn’t find the words for it myself. I knew why he wanted me to call, and it was the same reason I was sat holding the phone. I adored Gerard, I really did, and I wanted him to know so.

My mother had a million questions on her tongue as I entered the house earlier in the afternoon, many of them making me blush and giving the answers away anyway, despite my silenced lips.

“So what was he like? Did he last long? How big was his –”

“Mum!”

“Okay okay, sorry.” She’d paused for a moment. “But seriously.” I’d hurried up to my room and hadn’t left since, not wanting to talk about it with her. I didn’t think it was her business, but she was always like that.

I jumped half a foot in the air as the phone in my hands began to ring and dropped to the floor with a heavy clunk, before I quickly retrieved it to answer it.

“Hello?”

“It’s Mikey.”

“Ohh. Hey.”

“So did you have a good time at the prom?”

“I did. It was nice of Gerard to have gone with me.”

“I guess so.”

“How about you?”

“Yeah, but Christie was a little hyper throughout. I think she was just overexcited, you know?”

“So I heard,” I muttered, and by his sudden silence I knew he’d heard me.

“Well like you were any better,” he said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m happy for you, Ali. Gerard… well, I know he really likes you.” I blushed and smiled, glad to know that Mikey was okay with it all. “Did you wanna speak with him?”

“Uhh, yeah sure.”

“Alright. I’ll go get him. Seeya.” I heard a clink as the phone was put down, and muffled yelling as Mikey went to get Gerard.

“Hey!” Gerard sounded ecstatic.

“Hello. So uhh, what’s up?” Gerard went on to tell me of this new project he’d started involving superheroes with masks and villains.

“…but I probably won’t start thinking about it properly just yet.” We were silent for a moment as we thought of ways to start the next conversation. “You know, about last night…” It sounded as if he was about to take it all back but after what Mikey had said, I had a little faith in him.

“It was nice, Gerard.”

“Ohh, just nice?” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Ohh hold up, I’ll be right back.” Again I was left waiting for him, though he wasn’t very long. “Sorry.”

“What were you doing?”

“I forgot to take my meds. Thought I’d better whilst it was running through my mind, as I forgot them last night. I was a little too distracted…”

“Mmm.” I knew now what the feeling from before had been. Sure, I adored Gerard. I wanted for him to stop with the small talk and just ask me to be his already, though I wasn’t sure I could accept his offer. There was something about him that came off very strongly as a reminder of my brother, and it hurt to even think of it. His attitude towards everything, and then that hidden pang of loneliness and dishonesty at his core… my brother had been exactly like that. I’d told him of it before, though I never imagined it would become such a serious problem between us.

“Are you okay?”

“Gerard, I can’t,” I whispered, suddenly realising what I had to do. I couldn’t face it so like always, I’d have to run from it. It was easier to avoid dealing with it.

“You can’t? Can’t what? Sleep? Breathe?”

“Do this. With you.” There was silence on the other end for quite some time.

“I didn’t sleep with you just to prove anything. I knew how I felt about you, and how you felt about me… it just kinda happened. I’m not leading you on anymore, Alison. I want you. I want you all to myself. I’m willing to be a better person for you.”

“It’s not that.” I was crying now, so sure that he could hear it in my quivering voice. “You… my brother.”

“Your brother? Is this about before? About how you thought I reminded you of someone?”

“Mmhm,” I agreed, wiping the tears from my eyes. I hated to think about it, to be reminded of his passing.

“I never really… understood. I can’t help being who I am, love…”

“I know. And I can’t help not wanting to be reminded of it all the time. The alcohol, the pills… your whole attitude. You’re him, but you’re not.”

“I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think it’s about time you came to terms with it. I think you need to let it pass and stop ignoring what happened. You’re a big girl. You can do it.” I hung up on him them, not wanting to hear any more. We’d been through it all before that night we drove past the pond. I’d never deal with it. I never wanted to.