If Only

I race out the door and got into Sam’s truck, not bothering to buckle up.

“Hey Piper, so would you like to expl--” he started.

“Step on that pedal and don’t you dare stop.” His All Stars hesitated as Shawn was making a beeline for us. I took my foot and slammed on it for him.

“Shit!” Sam yelled as he almost ran into Mrs. McHale’s mailbox, “You can stop pressing the gas pedal! I’m gonna get pulled over!” I realized that we were far from a mile away from my house. The speed dial threatened to hit 80 mph. My foot let go, as did my tears, “Come on! Now I’m gonna be wet again! I swear Piper, I’m going to rip your tear duct out of your facial area!” he said, keeping his eyes on the road. I laughed and settled myself in my friend’s arm, sniffling. His arm froze around me but slowly relaxed, “So…movies?”



Sam really did know how to make me happy. Almost. I let myself loose after all, this is a date. Pretend date. Why did I have to keep reminding myself this? I was wondering this while Sam got us some popcorn and Sour Patch Kids and Cherry Coke from the gas station across the street from the theatres. Because everyone knows it’s cheaper to buy the fattening food first, then sneak hem in the movie theatres. Pretend date. Pretend date. Pretend date. Heart, start pumping blood cause I’m feeling lightheaded. Then it came to me. I know why I’m nervous! This is my first date. Sad, isn’t it? I’m a senior and I still haven’t had a boyfriend or a date in my lifetime.

Sam jumped in the car and gave me a quick smile, “What movie, malady?”

“Oh my Gosh, can we see Green Lantern? Please please please please please please please?” I was bouncing in my seat, begging. Green Lantern had just came out last night but since no one was answering my calls (hint hint: Mr. Clueless) so I ended up missing my favorite superhero’s movie with the hottest guy in it.

“Yea, of course we can! I wanted to go last night but you wouldn’t pick up your phone.” I mentally face palmed myself for letting my cell phone die.

“Well let’s see it now!” We snuck in the theatres with our food and looked at the crowd before us. “Wow…where are we gonna find a seat?” I said.

“There!”He pointed. It was in the middle and near the front. He started to walk and I grabbed his arm, realizing something. “What is it?”

“There are people from school in there!” I said pulling him back so that we were outside of the theatre.

“And?”

“And what they see…”

“Oh right!” Sam said.

“We still have to pretend, we have to act like we’re in love so that Shawn thinks we are.” I don’t know how Shawn can be a complete man-whore and then be sweet enough to be happy for me and Sam. It confused me to no end. I put on jeans and I wore a shirt that was loose on me in 9th grade and now fit nicely to me. I thought that that would at least make him notice me. I just need to try harder the next time I see him. This was going to take work. On Monday, I’m going to be the hottest girl in school.

“Piper? Umm, hello? Piper?”

“Sorry, did you say something?”

“Yea, I suggested we walk inside holding hands and laughing like a happy couple,” Sam murmured. Was that color on his cheeks? Did Sam just blush?

“Umm, yea great idea,” I gripped his hand and smiled up at him. His smile was hesitant as he gulped, “Sam…if you don’t want to do this...”

“No! I want to – believe me, I want to. It’s just…” Sam looked down.

“It’s just what?”

“I’ve never actually been on a real date before.”

“What?!”

“I’ve been on dates before but they’ve been blind dates or dates my parents have set up for me, as sad as that may sound.”

“You want to hear something?” I asked and his left eyebrows lifted, “I’ve never actually been on a date either.” I whispered. His eyes widened.

“But your cut—your just so pret --” he kept stopping himself and stuttering. I could feel my cheeks begin to burn.

“So I guess we can go on our first date together” I smiled. He laughed and led me inside, my hand in his. We laughed and we both tripped on the carpet. I sat down and he sat down next to me. I could feel people eyes on me and I just tried to act naturally. I forgot why I liked Sam so much until now. He was quite the dork like me. We were both laughing and making bad impressions of teachers at school.

“Oh God, my abs are sore!” Sam wheezed, “I think I’m going to get a drink of water before the movie starts.”

“But we have Coke,” I said.

“Shh! Let’s save that for when the movie starts.” I nodded and he walked away. The previews started to play and I was starting to wonder where he was when a girl tapped on my shoulder.

“Excuse me?” I blonde girl I recognized from school gave me a bright smile; “You and your boyfriend are so cute together!” She said the girls crowed around her nodded and giggled.

“Thanks but we’re not actually dating…” I replied awkwardly.

“Well you had us fooled,” that’s the point. She winked at me and sat back into her seat as Sam walked up and sat down. He smiled at me and then the movie started. I could barely concentrate on the movie (which is saying something) because what that girl said to me. It made my heart pound in my stomach. My heart sort of just dropped down there when Sam smiled at me.

Piper? What are you doing?! Remember why you’re here doing this pretend date. the sane part of my mind screamed.

Right Shawn, I’m here to make Shawn jealous. Normally my innards would shake at the thought of his name. All I got was a stirring. My heart started to pound. What’s happening? I’ve liked Shawn since we first met. I’ve never liked anyone else. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Hot bod. Cute laugh. Puppy dog face. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Shawn. Stirring. I looked up at Sam and saw how into the movie he was. My stomach did a belly flop. Oh shit.

An idea formed into words as I said, “Maybe you should put your arm around me…you know…for good measure,” I whispered. Sam looked like he didn’t hear and I was about to repeat it when his arm rested on the back of his chair, holding up his head and then he nervously put it all the way around me. I wasn’t sure if he was acting or if he actually was nervous. I snuggled closer and had to breathe quicker because I started to get light-headed. That’s how I spent the whole movie, practically in shock.

When it ended he leaned down and whispered, “Do you want to wait till the end of the credits to see if there’s something afterward?” I nodded and we stayed. I don’t even remember if there was or wasn’t anything after the 7 minute long credits. All I could remember was the warmth from his breath that I felt on my ears, “That was so cool! But I didn’t really like the way Parallax was…” Sam babbled, still jazzed up about the movie. I laughed and looked away, my eyes landing on the girl who talked about me earlier. She was outside the bathroom, waiting. When she saw me, her eyes flickered looked between me and Sam and winked.

We were almost to the door when I spotted something, “Sam Sam Sam! Oh My gosh, we have to do it!” I was practically jumping up and down. Sam turned around and saw what I was pointing at and laughed.

“Let’s do it!” We went over by the arcade area and saw the photo booth, “You know we could just do this on a Mac?”

“You don’t get the same experience, though!” I haven’t done this in years and I don’t have any pictures of me and Sam on my wall. Oh, and I guess it would make Shawn jealous. We jumped in and he put in the five dollars. I got on his lap and the screen counted down from ten, “Smile!” it took.

“What now?” he asked when it started to count down.

“Umm…silly face!” it took again, “What do you think we should do?”

“Well maybe we should,” he swallowed, “…kiss.” Perfect.

“Great idea,” I started to go in but he stopped me with his hand. My face collided with his hand just as the screen took our picture.

He looked me in the eyes, “It has to count.” I nodded, understanding. Shawn had to be convinced. We both leaned in, our lips inches away. I could feel his breath caressing my lips. My heart was pounding and my legs and arms all shaky. He started to pull away and I finally grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into me. Our lips crashed and our lips started to move slowly. His arms wrapped around me and mine snaked its way around his neck. I was sure my face was bright red. A small moan escaped from Sam’s throat and I smiled. The funny thing was: the picture had already been taken 20 seconds ago. His lips started to leave mine and I let them go. We looked at each other for a moment before giving each other one peck. I got out of the booth grabbing the photo at the bottom. The first one we looked like maniacs. The second one I had my hand up like a visor, as if I saw something and Sam had a terrified look on his face as if he saw something scary. I started to laugh and so did he. The third one hand my face smashed and Sam making a funny face. And the fourth one was very convincing. It printed out two so that we both had one. I started to skip and so did he as we headed outside.

When we got to the Italian restaurant it was closed, not opened until next week. Maybe I should have gotten my facts straight. So instead we walked to the park, holding hands. I raced Sam to the swings and made kid remarks like, “You’re in my shower!” Sam ran to the top of a hill laid down and let himself roll all the way down until he was at my feet. I laughed and ran up to the top and letting myself roll all the way down until I hit something. I looked over and saw that that “something” was Sam’s body. He was looking at me weirdly, which made me feel uncomfortable. He started to lean in and as much as I wished I could fill that space up, I pulled away and stood up. I felt like I was betraying Shawn somehow. Sam offered to take me home and so we walked. I kept the conversation going because I could tell it was getting awkward. When we got to my house I stopped at the door.

“You uh…want to come in?” I asked quietly.

“Nah, it’s getting late and my parents are probably worried about me.” Right, I forgot that his life is perfect and his parents probably wanted him home by 8. My parents couldn’t give a shit.

“Oh umm, okay. Well I had fun today.”

“So did I.” he started to rock back and forth on his heels looking anywhere but me and I just couldn’t resist anymore. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let my lips fall in synch with his, my body felt slightly limp. He was stiff at first but then he slowly relaxed and hungrily kissed me.

Shawn had your brain on overload.

My eyes snapped open. Still kissing Sam, I realized that I didn’t feel that way. I just wanted more. I felt greedy. The kiss was nothing special to me, but I wanted more.

“This is weird with your eyes open,” one of his eyes opened as he left his hands on my waist.

“Sorry, it’s just…”

“Shawn…” he looked down and I could hear a cold laugh escape his lips, “Always Shawn.” No I’ve had Shawn rule my love life since I was in second grade. Not anymore. Now that I look back on it, I could have had a boyfriend. Hell, I could have had a proper first date and not a pretend first date with Sam. I’ve had guys ask me out: cute guys, nice guys, nerdy guys, hot guys. I could have had any of them. And maybe I still could. It could all start with Sam. I looked up at him and saw him looking confused.

Your losing it

Shut up, conscience!

You heard Pinocchio: “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

“Piper--”

“I gotta go.” Ran into my house and slammed the door.

“Piper fucking Graham! Why in the hell are you slamming doors this late in the night?! You know full well that your father goes to sleep at 7 so that he can wake up and provide or your materialistic ass!” My mom yelled at me. I was about to tell the bitch off but then I heard a creaking on the steps and I stopped.

“Dad…”

“It’s alright, dear. You go on up.” My dad came down the stairs in his pajamas and robe. He kissed the whore on the forehead and turned to face me. She glared at me before she turned on her heel, strutting up the stairs.

“Dad, I’m sorry—I just—I was with a –and I – I’m sorry that – I mean—“I fumbled over my words.

“Piper it’s okay.” He sat on the couch and patted his lap, a signal for me to sit on them. His nerd glasses hung lazily from his nose and His dirty blonde hair glinted from the dim lighting. He looked exhausted. This is why I don’t like talking to my dad. He’s sweet and caring but I feel as if I’m making him work. The poor soul works to provide and never gives a second thought. But I’m not materialistic. My mom is. She walks in Prada shoes and carries Coach Bags. I never buy clothes cause I feel like I’m stealing from my own father. Even though my family is beyond rich, we just spend on my mom, “I just wanted to hold my little girl.” He lied back and I relaxed into him, smiling, “So who was the boy?”

“I knew you wanted something,” I laughed. My dad just laughed along with me, “His name is Sam.”

“Is Sam your boyfriend?”

“No, dad. Me and Sam we’re just…going out.” I hesitated. I wasn’t quite sure what me and Sam were doing.

“What ever happen to uh…Sh-Shawn?” dad really must’ve made an effort to remember Shawn’s name. The last time dad saw Shawn was when we were kids and Shawn stayed at my place because of his abusive parents.

“Shawn’s good.”

“Do you two hang out together?”

“Yes dad, we “hang out” I laughed, “He’s my best friend.”

“Well that’s good to hear,” I could feel him smile against my hair. I was really happy here. Even though this was the first time I’d talked to my dad in a month or so, I was happy that he decided to come and talk to me. I heard him start to snore so I fixed him so he was lying with a blanket on him. I had his phone next to him so he could wake up to his alarm. He was slightly smiling and I smiled back. I fell asleep next to him, content, with my family life.

Sort of.



I woke up with myself on the couch and the blanket I had put on dad, on me. 11:54. Shit. The bitch would be home in six minutes. I quickly made her some soup and grilled cheese and started eating my portion in record time. As soon as the second hand ticked at 12:00 she came barging in and dropped her stuff and immediately started to eat. Rolling my eyes, I headed upstairs.

I could already feel the boredom crashing down on me. Then I remembered my plan that started forming yesterday. I could rule my school. I grabbed my cell phone and waited while it rang.

“Hello, you’ve reached the number of--”

“Marie I need your help!”

“Oh Piper! Why didn’t you just say it was you? Then I wouldn’t have gone through my fake answering machine! Whatcha need help with?”

“I want to be pretty.”

“You want to be pretty…?”

“Oh, fine! I want Shawn to look at me.”

“Well you might want to come to my house now then…this might take awhile.”



“When was the last time you went for a haircut?!” Marie got out her make-up kits and hair salon tools. This girl is going to run a beauty salon one day, if not a fight club or a hospital. She knew everything about style and what was in.

“Umm I think two years ago.” I lied.

She just stared.

“Oh fine… 5 years…”

“That was what I was thinking, I mean look at these split ends!” I rolled my eyes and got kind of worried at the clothes Marie had picked out for me. Marie has sort of the scene look right now. Her hair is layered, thinned, and teased up so much I still have a hard time believing it. And by right now I mean she can’t seem to find herself a style she likes. Before she started wearing power ranger shirts and colored skinny jeans, she wore short skirts and tank tops that showed off her boobs. And before the Slut look, she wore all black. Before the Goth looks she...well you get the gist of it. We were down in her kitchen, where the floor was wooden, so that she could sweep up my hair after she was done. It was over before I knew it, “No way!” she said as I tried to look at the toaster to see what I looked like, “You’re not seeing yourself until I’m completely done.”

By now, it was 12 o’clock at night and she was still looking at my hair. Whenever she saw an imperfection, she ran and got the scissors, and snipped away. I sat there doing my Econ homework, half falling asleep.

“Go ahead and get some beauty sleep Piper, tomorrow, we’re waking up at 4:30 so you can look perfect!”

“4:30?!” that’s like, 4 hours and thirty minutes away!”

“Great mathematic skills, Captain Obvious. Don’t complain! I wake up every morning at 5 o’clock so I can look great! And I go to sleep around 3:30, so I don’t need your comments!” Marie scolded.

“Sounds like a personal problem,” I yawned.



I had my eyes closed. Marie had been hard at work all morning. She started working on my make-up when I was asleep. Now that I was done and I was in a floral dress that came above my mid-thigh level. Something I was not comfortable with seeming’s as I haven’t shaven my legs in a month or so. Marie gasped, “Go to the bathroom and fix that!” I trudged to the bathroom and followed as she said. Anyways, I had a braided brown belt that matched my (thank God) sandals. I was hoping she wouldn’t put me in heels and thank the Lord she didn’t. I didn’t really think the jewelry went with my outfit but they were pretty, none the less. One of the things of my outfit that I fell in love with was a necklace of a tree. I couldn’t stop staring at it.

“Piper, are you done?”

“Yea!”

“Good,” she came in the bathroom with a bottle of lotion, “Now put this all over you.” Marie stayed in the bathroom with me while she put a thick layer of eye liner on her waterline. Psh, waterline. Marie had me sit with her and do beauty flashcards. Now I know what split ends are.

“Now, turn around,” I spun on the toilet seat so I was facing the wall, “Your hair is next on the to-do-list.” I sighed and let my head fall on the wall.

When we were finally done, I got into Marie’s car and waited.

Marie came out a few minutes mater with a huge bag over her arm and a back-back slung over one shoulder. Her phone was next to her ear as she blabbed away, “No, she’s with me.” She got into the car.

My heart started to pound, was it Sam? A little part of me echoed, is it Shawn?

“Alright bye!” Marie hung up, “That was Shawn, he wanted to know where you were cause you weren’t at your house.” I nodded. We started to drive and I told myself who cares about Shawn Johnson? Not me. I’m home free. The nerves started to chew away at my stomach and I was starting to feel sick.

“Are you okay?” Marie asked when I moaned.

“No I’m fine.”

“Cause I can take you home if your--”

“No! I’m fine.” I sat up.

When we got to school, I grabbed my new back-pack Marie had got me. She wanted to make sure I was in style all the way to my back-pack. My knees started to wobble and my breathe was getting raspy.

“Come on!” Marie was ten feet ahead of me, signaling me. My feet shuffled forward, and I held my head high. I was kind of mad at Marie for parking in the back of the lot. This just meant more people had to stare at me. All the guys turned, pulling off their stunner shades to get a better look. All of the girls glared and turned, starting to gossip. Not that I cared, believe what they may. When I got inside the school, Marie gave m a hug and whispered, “Strut that stuff, bro.”

I kept walking and it kinda felt nice when everyone parted to hallway. I smiled all the way to my locker; feeling like this was going to be a good day. My locker was upstairs and wasn’t attached to the other lockers, which gave me some extra elbow room.

“Hey, lay off my friend’s locker!” Someone spun around and I looked up so see Shawn. As soon as I made eye contact with him, all my plans of finding other people to make me happy went down the drain. I was in Shawn Johnson’s web, just like everyone else, “Oh my…Pipes?” I swallowed hard, “Pipes you look…” his eyes scrunched together.

“Pretty? Cute? Adorable?” I raised an eyebrow. “I know” I flipped my wavy hair, giggling playfully.

“No…”

“No?” now my eyebrows were scrunched together. Shawn was looking me up and down in such a way that had my heart beating irregularly. I might need to get that checked out.

“You look…not like Piper.” The bell rang as teachers started they’re classes. No one was in the hallway.

“Excuse me?” I glared, in disbelief. Now that I thought back, deep down, this was all for Shawn. It was never for Sam or other guys. It’s always been Shawn.

“You don’t look yourself,” his lip curled, like he was mad.

“Well your,” I jabbed his chest, pushing him against the wall, “going to have to get used to this, because this is the new Piper.” Shawn looked down and laughed.

“The new Piper?” He looked up through his eye lashes. At first they were soft, that nice aquamarine color that I loved, then they turned a sharp color of forest green as he flipped us so he had me against the wall. “When did you feel the need to change the old one?”I looked away, not wanting to tell him that it was for him, “It was Sam wasn’t it?”

“No,”

“Marie?”

“Well she helped, but no.”

“…was it…me?” I didn’t answer. His finger went under my chin and tilted it so that I was forced to look at him. He had a serious look on his face, “Piper…was it me?”

I pursed my lips. His thumb traced over them so that they were normal. He kept staring at my lips even when his thumb was stroking my face. My insides were having a fucking circus jumping around. I could stay here all day, and the thing was, I could. Both Shawn and I had free period right now. Best of all, today was no-pass Monday.

“Pipes…”

I let out the air I had been holding onto for too long. I gulped, my eyes flickering anywhere but his face, “Yes.” My voice came out barely over a whisper. His body pressed me harder into the wall. The thing was, there was no pain. I felt like I was lying on a bed of flowers. My eyes slowly made it to his face. Shawn had a cute grin on his face. His eyes a bright blue, a color I’ve never experienced with him. His hand slid behind my neck and his other hand lightly made it’s was to the small of my back, making me slightly ticklish.

“Pipes I…” he whispered huskily. I leaned in stopping just an inch away from his lips. I could feel his fast breaths on my tongue. I could taste him. A sweet taste of raspberries made my mouth go wild. I want so much to charge him but I wanted Shawn to make the move. Shawn was staring at my lips as I bit it. He slowly looked at my eyes and then achingly slow, filled in that space.

Our lips made contact and my skin pulsed, every nerve was on fire. My heart seized. My hands snaked so that they were around his waist. At first it was just a long kiss. Until he slowly started to move his lips. I loved how they felt. Soft. Strong. Gentle. Our lips stayed that pace slow and steady. I savored every second that I could. He started to pull away and a whimper erupted in the back of my throat. I felt him smile and laugh as he pulled away. He stared at me for the longest time before Shawn pulled me into a hug. Just having contact with him was heaven.

We sat on the floor in the corner. His arms wrapped around me. I traced the pattern that was on his shirt. I loved this shirt on him because it outlined his muscles. I remember last year when I told Shawn I liked a guy with muscles.

”Hey Pipes!” Shawn came into the room smiling like an utter fool. All the girls in the room sighed and drooled on the desks, even Mrs. Lewis was having a mini-heart attack. When I finally got a look at him, I slightly gagged, “What is it?” he asked. I was looking at his biceps and abs, covering my mouth. Shawn must have been working out a lot. He was ripped beyond compare.

“Um…nothing," I looked at Mrs. Lewis unsuccessfully.

“What’s up?”

“You're just… so ripped.”

“That what I hear the girls like,” he winked at the girl across the room who using the desk to keep her up.

“You’re just…too muscular.” It was unreal and sort of disgusting, but I wouldn’t tell him that. Over the week he ate like a maniac until he had pudge. It was too adorable. When we came back over the weekend, he had just the right amount of fitness.

I smiled breathing in, content. My beauty sleep last night was not nearly enough so I let myself get comfortable, and closed my eyes.